Hi G.S.
First of all, welcome back! It always gives me great pleasure to see the “old timers” return for whatever reason. You have written such a courageous, painful thread for all to experience and connect with.
If you came to my office and described your history, this is what I would tell you—for this is what I have done with others in your situation. There is something crucial missing in your life, and that is an attachment to a loving, caring, empathic person. Without that attachment and the brain wiring that goes with it, all of your shame, pain, humiliation, “unlovability”, etc. will be lived over and over and over again in your life because it is the only wiring that exists. Many would disagree with me about this, but I think producing new attachment “wiring” is more important than forcing yourself, via whatever means, to come to terms/accept/desensitize oneself to the horrible pain that you have experienced. The reason is, speaking metaphorically, if the train travels along the healthy attachment tracks for long enough, the other set will become less and less “relevant” over time, and pain-wise, will begin to rust away. In my practice, I have seen this happen often. I don’t ask people to purposely relive any of their past trauma, instead I develop a relationship with her/him different than anything they’ve experienced before. That means, of course, that my attachment to them (even when they’ve stopped seeing me) is life-long, and they become an important part of my life—just as I am in theirs. This doesn’t mean that I prohibit them from speaking about their torturous past—it just means that they know they are doing it with another person who cares deeply about them (as some of the people here care about you). It also means the two of us find things to laugh about together, as well as cry about together—because life often provides plenty of opportunity for both. Importantly, the people I work with know that the “therapy attachment” is two-ways.
What is critical, given that my means of healing is not technique based but human-to-human based, is that you need to find a therapist who is a wonderful human being (like sea storm!). And someone who is willing and able to “open” their humanness to you. Sometimes this can be very difficult to find (I never found one)—although perhaps it is easier now than in the horrifying Freudian years of my distant past.
I hope this does not come across as discouraging to you—and certainly there are other methods of “healing”, but I wanted to share what has worked in my experience.
Again, welcome back and thanks so much for opening your life again to us.
Richard
