Hiya. Looks like I'm just going to be "bopping in/out" here from time to time. Don't have as much to say anymore, and am "doing" (or TRYING to do) more.
I'm not even sure I can work this way, anymore. It doesn't seem to get me anywhere better or useful, to go back into the old memories and feelings - they all pretty much lead the same place: inconsolable grief. For so many things. And that grief can show up all by itself as some bit of life crosses my attention span and triggers a recognition of those experiences. That was one of the things that SOOOOO hard, dealing with my daughters last year - both of them - the one who needed the intervention and the one insisting the intervention was life/death necessary.
What makes it unnecessary, for me to dive back into all that and so unfruitful, too - is that I don't fight the grief anymore. It comes, I cry, I know how it "connects" to what I went (or am going) through - it gets it's 15 minutes of fame recognition - aaaaannnnndddd, I go right back to living my life again. Not fighting it -- allows me to feel all the REST of the possible feelings too.
I'm still working through some things, though. Intimacy with hubs is a big one. Seems not having a father in my life who protected me has some repercussions, too. The rape is an issue again... and ties in with the intimacy issues. And the "theme" of all that is still the old basic: boundaries. Boundaries are GOOD, but they need to have gates in them that allow some people to be welcomed into that space. It's some old fear; I know that.
Old habits and outdated (personal) preconceptions of "shoulds" - those archetypes burnt into our brains about what life and relationships and "the way things are 'supposed' to be or work - can totally get in the way of moving on to another level of growth. If you've only got 2 hands and are trying hold more than 2 things -- which one can you put down?
OH, and my guilt-tapes are triggered a lot lately. Survivor guilt, really. I've got no real life issues of any magnitude to talk about anymore that get in my way of living my life. But, to just sit back & enjoy myself, doing what I like/want to do, and even rediscovering old things that I know I still enjoy (because I talk about them a lot, fondly)??? LOL... right. I feel like something is sneaking up behind me and ready to pounce and upset everything! Because of course, my life had precious few moments like that for years & years, so I got used to the "idea" - which are just silly thoughts that "stick" to the wall like limp spaghetti - I got used to the idea that being happy was "bad", it couldn't last, and I hadn't been anywhere GOOD enough so far, to be "happy" -- and if I thought I was: there was always original sin.
Fortunately, I'm not senile enough to have forgotten to tell that guilt to go take a flying leap at a rolling doughnut. And I imagine being a whirling dervish of a David Caradine, beating that old guilt with a spinning staff until it just goes "poof" like a genie running back into it's alladin lamp... and I yell the command at it to "stay there, too".
There are some weird R-L brain things going on lately, too. Still trying to see what those are. It's more like something is coming together than falling apart. Maybe a good thing?
BIG HUGS for you in your work, GS!!! I know this works for you, in mysterious ways. Make sure you keep one eye open for new ways to work this old stuff... and unexpected breakthroughs. I probably won't be here a lot -- but I do think of y'all and wonder how you're doing.
Amber
