This morning has already been difficult. I have been relentlessly bombarded with thoughts and feelings of rejection and humiliation and such. None of it from current life. All from the past.
Bit by bit I acknowledge it, name it and allow it to flow past feeling my body at firs tense with resistance and then relax as I let it go. In this,process I become aware of how I have held this in me all these years. I become aware of how I can let it slide past, with some effort, some intention, some understanding. It is beginning to be more of a choice. I am beginning to have controll over it rather than the other way around.
I am angry and I am tired. I am angry that this has been my life long battle. And I am tired from the battle. I wake up tired and I go to bed tired.
But I want to shift that way of thinking. Rather than declaring myself tired, I choose to be getting stronger, becoming whole, getting well. Tiredness is but a symptom of the struggle, of the disorder, the disease. But as I journey through, I choose to take actions of getting stronger, physically and mentally.
The spoils,of rejection and isolation have taken a toll but they need not be permanent.
Day by day, I become more and more aware of how my perceptions shape my being. The fear and the trauma are from the past but I can surmount the pain and the damage from them. Keep my focus on the goal, on the healing. Bit by bit, I am moving in that direction. There are hurdles left to surmount.
But dispair cannot be part of the journey. Despair IS a hurdle. Despair and desperation have the same root. I know all too well that desperation is destructive - alienating. I can choose to believe in a better life and avoid slipping into desperation.
Second only to desperation is the state of - I need a new word - I am no longer paralyzed but it is more of periods of sitting out rather than a permanent state. More avoidance than paralysis. That is definitely an improvement. Now it is time to overcome avoidance.
As I write this I feel powerless and weak against the avoidance. But that is a joke. It is small,potatoes next to paralysis. And though I don't yet have a plan I do know that I can and will overcome it. I am finding the way. I did not event Alize that I had moved past paralysis until I just wrote it. It is natural to feel fear. I am afraid to face the avoidance. It is very comforting. But it is wholly destructive and life sapping.
Fear of changes is natural. But I can keep my focus on what is on the other side. All,along I have believed that there is better waiting for me, available for me. I make the choice to believe that the desire for better will win out over the comfort of avoidance.
Why is avoidance so compelling? Because it avoided the omnipresent belittling and the encounter of resentment and rejection which my parents felt towards me. Hold this in mind - that my battle over resentment is a battle over avoidance. The two are inextricably linked. As this shows itself to me I feel beaten down. But as I have experienced, this is merely part of the process, dark before light. I am willing, though not without reluctance, to enter this battle.
