Still need to work through early trauma

[Gaining Strength]

So , in some ways it doesn't feel as though I am progressing - bouts of deep depression and anxiety doesn't sound nor feel like progress and yet I am progressing.  In the past 8 or 9 months I have steadily progressed, uncovering dark memories and feelings. These memories and feelings, no longer repressed expose me to the original pain along with all the tentacles that have reached into present life along the way.  Now shame, hurt, and fear are connected to so much in life that the two despicable twins of depression and anxiety are so easily provoked.

Long ago I in deities the things that trigger for me. They at in general, rejection, and her red-headed step children  failure, exclusion and condemnation.. And I will have to include barriers to goals.

As I make progress the way these triggers work becomes clearer and that allows me some power over them - minimal at first (where I am now) but the power grows.  I won't be stuck here for too long.

[Hopalong]

No you won't stay stuck!
You're enduring the weather of all this, including storms that come and then blow through--but you're still sailing true...

Atta girl, GS.
Eyes on the horizon!

(Hope you see some dolphins.)

hugs
Hops

[Gaining Strength]

Thanks Hops.

I continue to work on changing the way my mind thinks. I am retraining my thoughts to overcome fears and reactions to rejection and fear of failure. It is slow going but somimportant.

[Gaining Strength]

Here is my current process: become aware of trigger (usually feeling excluded), experiencing the flush of shame and rejection, then summon strength and determination and positive outlook. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

I become increasingly aware of how submerged I have been in this dark feeling. 

Another trigger is "obligation." It is related to not enough resources and feeling not good enough.

That "not enough resources" feeling is a deep wound related to betrayal.  This may be even greater than the other.

But I am keeping my eye and heart on the knowledge that all of this can be overcome.  Each time I shift my thought away from the pain to the belief that I am growing daily stronger I feel that strength surge.  It is something like a B -12 shot.  My first goal is to no longer fear the trigger.  When that happens I will be on yet another level. 

I continue to make progress and I am keeping my eye on that, focusing on the healing while not denying the pain.

[Gaining Strength]

I keep getting blasted with memories from my 20s. They are filled with great sorrow, depression, failure, shame and hopelessness, a need to hide.  I will pour compassion into these memories, shift them from the dark to the light. I needed my mother and my father to help guide me and they completely abandoned me. That pain is real and raw.

It is time to pour salve rather than rePress, to acknowlege and heal. Much more work  but stronger with each step.

[Ales2]

Hi all I had an epiphany today about why certain comments my brother and my therapist said that bother me which is simply that they are personal responsibility freaks and a characteristic of that type of person lacks compassion and engages in victim blaming which is what both of them did to me. Their comments were way off the mark and both of them knew me well enough to know better.

They are both JERKS.

[Gaining Strength]

Teartracs - what a powerful post. I want to say more, to hear more. But I can't even think what to say or ask. Thank you for sharing.

[Gaining Strength]

These past three weeks I have been beyond stressed, unable to function, slowly grinding to a halt. It hit hard when I went to buy dinner and my card was declined. Finances in general cause me significant anxiety and shame but this was a repressed panic. I wasn't sure what it was, could have been several things - taxes, identity theft, etc.

I have been beyond disorganized since my mother died. That includes my bills and paperwork. I even called a friend to help me find my bank statements but she couldn't help. Today I found them, along with two envelopes from the bank I have moved around but not opened. My card was cancelled and replaced by the bank. It has caused me enormous pain and agony but there is one great benefit that will come from it and that is my determination to live more finically orderly. I feel profoundly relieved.

[Ales2]

Here is what I am currently struggling to understand, no matter how many definitions or intellectual understanding I seem to be able to learn, hear and understand, I can never wrap my head around these three things.

NMom is so selfish that she wants everyone around her at holidays, but has no empathy as to what fills our lives during holidays. Im 46, single, no kids and right now, no job, no health insurance and I rent my apartment. But somehow, none of those major failures are even of interest to her, she just wants me home.

NMom will marginalize me, vehemently discourage, sabotage and undermine anything associated with my growth, financial independence, relationship success etc, because she fears abandonment and only her needs matter. She has her own issues with fear/limitations and can't even manage her own stuff  - the living will, home maintenance or investments.

Being around her is like Kryptonite and it is the only time my "I have to give up, I can't handle this, disempowering self emerges." Somehow, when I visualize my Dad, I know I can't come to him with "I can't", I just do as he always said "Keep your nose to the grindstone" and I feel more empowered to work hard as I always knew he believed in me, but in many instances as wonderful as he was, I had to seek guidance for things he did not understand (which is rare, he was a very smart medical doctor, but doesn't understand the TV business or dating from the womens POV and certainly I doubt he ever recognized Moms Nism, although he had his own issues with her). The dismepowering self is a weird phenomoneom for me, almost like deafualt, of course she expects me to fail and she prefers it. With Dad, I cant look him in the eye when I feel this way, because I can sense its wrong.

Somehow, I wish I could do hypnosis or some other healing therapy that would kill off the disempowering self and activate more of my empowered self. (When I have another job, I think it will happen more often). The only good thing about disempowering self is when I am around people and I feel that, I know they are Ns, controllers and manipulators to AVOID at all costs.


EMPATHY, UNDERMINES GROWTH, KRYPTONITE and the DISEMPOWERING SELF

Yep, that's about it for today. 

Hugs and Happiness to all my boardie friends. 

[Gaining Strength]

NMom is so selfish that she wants everyone around her at holidays, but has no empathy as to what fills our lives during holidays. Im 46, single, no kids and right now, no job, no health insurance and I rent my apartment. But somehow, none of those major failures are even of interest to her, she just wants me home.

NMom will marginalize me, vehemently discourage, sabotage and undermine anything associated with my growth, financial independence, relationship success etc, because she fears abandonment and only her needs matter. She has her own issues with fear/limitations and can't even manage her own stuff  - the living will, home maintenance or investments.

Boy do these two paragraphs speak to me. 
I have come to realize that I carry that feeling of disempowerment around with me.  But bit by bit, the tool I was given from EMDR  is helping to diffuse it.  There is a link to the  self use that I'll find and pits.  But the past 2 days using this has broken through the gripping anxiety repeatedly.  I move my eyes from left to right 10 to  100 times.  I feel something drain through my neck almost the way it feels for sinuses to drain, as though a pipe opened up.   Then my shoulders relax and I feel a definite physical relief.

Yesterday I ordered the brain stimulator and am very excited about that.

Having a technique that begins to give relief also seems to allow me insight to how gripping the self-loathing has been, how disabling the life long depression and anxiety gave been. This eye movement exercise works in the way I had hoped EFT would but didn't for me.  I wonder want life would gave been like had I had this 10 years ago.

[Ales2]

Thanks GS for your comments. I hope the brain stimulator and Tapping works for you.

The disempowering self can be strong, especially in times where it has been activated before, like being between jobs. I can only deal with most of those things through some online hypnosis and meditations I frequently listen to at bedtime, they help me fall asleep. Then during daytime, I have to confront those things head on just by working through them and being aware of where I am affected by them. Things like being making calls for work, being assertive, believing in the best for myself, and staying autonomous (ignoring naysayers, avoiding frenemies and small minded people). Other than that, I am not sure how else to deal with it, also being aware of triggers helps.

Good luck to you - and check your inbox/email I sent you a personal message. 

[Gaining Strength]

Tapping does not work for he but the EMDR  is giving me temporary relief which is a start. I'm hoping the tDCS gadget works as well as the one in the doctor's office. It costs under $150 v $2500 for the one from the doctor.

This EMDR technique (v the EMDR treatment wi a therapist) is giving me immediate release from anxious tension that has plagued me lifelong.  My poorly trained brain however, immediately dials in for more trigger memories (mindset really.) but the interesting thing about this is that I continue to receive more and more insights. Plus things that happen in the present are not having lasting effects that they have all my life.  So that is superbly positive.

I have an inkling that this process will have a cumulative effect but that it is like cutting down a forest one tree at a time.  It takes persistence over time to make inroads.  Well whether there is a big effect or not the small effect is something and I take comfort in that.

[Ales2]

My day was predictable. On the way to breakfast, I was thinking that NMom would call me to ask about TGiving again. She asked me last week and she knows I don't come home for holidays anymore ( 2007 xmas was last time).  I am currently LC, which means only civil contact. I dont share anything about my life other than whether I have a job or not and nonsense about my two kitties, thats it. Every other aspect of my life is private and I prefer it that way.

Anyway, when I leave breakfast, I can see she called my cell phone. So, in the car I call her back and as is predictable, its a health problem. On friday she had a detached retina and had to have laser procedure that evidently did not repair it and she has to go back tomorrow.  She never once asked about TGiving, but her history with these "medical crisis" always seem to come when she wants attention. I also do not speak to my brother anymore, (since xmas 2013) and so there is no one I can call to verify her story, which could be totally false as I have found out in the past. She is/was a hypochondriac. Sadly, I dont care much, whether its real or fake. She has played so many games of manipulation and control and I cannot get involved. I just stay detached.

But, life continues to be predictable. 

[Hopalong]

I understand, as I had an Nmom...but then again, her vulnerability
later in life was real.

Emotional detachment with civil LC sounds like a healthy approach.
I hope whatever her real or exaggerated medical crises,
you are able to continue with steady Ales-care.

Blindness is a very hard thing, so I hope the retinal re-repair is successful.

Fingers crossed you'll manage what you must but stay serene and well!

Hops

[Ales2]

Thanks so much Hops for your comments. I stick with Ales-care always. priority one. Biggest thing I can do for myself is watch any thoughts that come from the disempowered self, those always lead me astray. Overeating or overspending on credit are traps for me and the $$$ one makes me more vulnerable to her Nism.

Thanks, hope you all have a great holiday!