Still need to work through early trauma

[Gaining Strength]

Bits and pieces still come to me, at times almost daily. 

The other day I saw a Program in which a very sick man had exerted stunning mind control over his wife and children. He would come to light when he murdered 9 of his children rather than release the youngest to their mothers ( his nieces.) it would take some of his teenaged children years to see that he was not a loving man worthy of their respect.

This was so helpful to me as I see my own father having blinded me to his warped shortcomings until he began to lose control.

Sunday, Wayne Dyer, did another PBS special. This one had a common focus on the power of the mind and feeling on our own realities. And then, this morning a Harvard professor whose field is mindfulness was on the Diane Rehm Show.

This trifecta  redirdcts me to continue on this path toward focusing my thoughts and mind on my strengths while acknowledging my fears and transforming them.these experiences go a long way to encouraging me. That hope and belief and confidence are growing. The outward changes will begin to be evident in time.

It has taken me a very long time to be strong enough to look at my fears and my pain because this agony was intolerable. Bit by bit the pain is more tolerable and that allows me to look at it and process it rather than repress it and run. 

That need to repress has been totally tied in with my helplessness.  The pain made me feel as though I needed some type of justice, some type of intervention, some acknowledgment. Those longings actually left me in a bad way as I felt dependent on an outside force. Now that I am learning to open up to these lifelong excruciating pain and loss and learning how to process it, I am gaining power and confidence and healing.

Still a long way to go but I am much stronger than I was 6 months ago and even 3 months ago and even 1 month ago.

[Ales2]

Thanks for your post GS about the TGiving and loss of brothers relationship. Today as I was walking the phrase necessary loss came into my head and as sad as this is, I do feel these losses are necessary to my growth.

Happy to hear you are doing better in the last couple of months. Much continued success and improvement out of the darkness.

[Gaining Strength]

Ales, I agree with you abOut necessary losses. It saddens me but if I just focus on the truth of it then I feel strengthened by it.  I love the way you are able to put things in words - succinct and powerful.

[Gaining Strength]

My brain stimulator gadget came tonight. I have already given it a whirl. I can hardly wait until morning to do it again. I was amazed that I could feel it working so quickly. The effect can be cumulative. My fingers are crossed.  When I did it at the doctors office the effect was stronger after an hour or so. I'll see how this goes.

[Ales2]

Im doing terrible today and have been for the last two days. Cant seem to shake this feeling of doom and hopelessness. Cant get motivated and I feel useless to get done what needs to get done. 

Trying to emotionally override this nonsense....

[Ales2]

Im feeling so much better today, like night and day.  So EMPOWERED today, I feel physically better and my negative thoughts change so much...

Of course after I posted yesterday, I get a disturbing NM call, almost threatening me, asking me questions about a visiting cousin and some inheritance remark she claims I said. I don't remember it and its not something I would say, but the feelings behind it were true. Just more manipulation and gaslighting. Lucky for me one of horoscopes said stay honest and avoid emotional blackmail...which I do anyway, but it was helpful to know that it might be coming.

Have a great day everybody, mine will probably be OK today..
And pray I get an interview for this job I applied for.... a new job is my Christmas wish...

[Gaining Strength]

Ales - we must be twins.  Boy do I hate it.  I am  beginning to believe that while our emotions effect our brains and our brains can affect our emotions there is a way to make things better by changing the brain directly..  I may not be making  sense but anyway, the point I'm making is that I am not so hard on myself because of what I haven't gotten done.  With my little brain stimulator I get just enough relief for just long enough to be able to get a few things done that otherwise would just be left.

Oh well. My own post is boring me to death so I'll just leave it with this last thought.  The dominant feeling of doom and reluctance to move forward may come out of my emotional reaction to experiences but now I see that repairing the wiring in my brain can really make a difference. 

[Gaining Strength]

How crazy is that?  You felt much better and even when your NM called stirring things up you didn't crash.  That's great!  So glad for you.

Hate the BS stuff about what she was stirring up.  Really hate that you aren't sure whether your cousin would have said that or not.

[Gaining Strength]

Just checking in. 

[Gaining Strength]

So thankful that I have had two days of pushing through resistance and getting things done.  If I am able to function on this level or higher I can definitely break through. 

Day by day I am seeing progress is shifting my thoughts and perspective, becoming continually more aware of unconscious thoughts that trigger painful feelings of shame, anxiety and depression attached to profound condemnation and expectation of failure and rejection.

Making progress.

Listening to a fascinating segment on a Radio Lad about learned Paralysis and healing by tricking the brain.   

I am discovering more science weekly that supports this way of healing. 

So thankful.

[Hopalong]

Hi GS,
Can you share a link or name of the gadget?
I'd like to look it up.

Thanks, and I'm so happy to hear your multiple mini-successes!
They are adding up to new days in this healing-oriented life you are now living...

And with days, then months and years and all of it flows.

love
Hops

[Gaining Strength]

I sure will Hops. I'll send more detail info later on when I have more time.  It's called the Brain Stimulator. They were actually on nightline after I ordered mine. I'm beginning to have some good results.

[Gaining Strength]

I am focusing on the three areas of deepest wounding: neglect, rejection, and condemnation. Over recent months the pain from my original woundings has surfaced from decades of repression. Now, at long last I am face to face with it day in and day out all day long even through the night.   Did I not believe this was on the path to healing I would not be able to bear it.

My goal toward healing is not to linger in the feelings in response to these woundings but to embrace them and move into the feelings of consolation and healing.

Allowing the feelings, being mindful of them, aiming to be mindful of the shift into love and comfort and healing.

I don't expect this to be quick but it is important and I am writing so that as the days tick by
, if I get discouraged I can look back and reference this for encouragement.  I have not been short on determination but long on discouragement and solace.  Both of those can be generated.

[Ales2]

HI GS - thanks for your comments. Yes, it was a weird pms thing where everything negative is magnified.

Its been a week and things are good, I have felt good all week. I started the "handy" diet and that is working, lost about 4lbs which is probably 3 lbs pms bloating and 1lb actual weight loss. Feels good and eating is under control. With this plan, I can make it through holidays without weight gain and still enjoy a holiday meal and new years brunch. I wrote out the holiday foods I must have or I will feel deprived and its a short list - 4 things.  If I can have one serving of each, I will have enjoyed the holiday without overindulging. Handy diet includes shopping and party strategies to keep things on track and is very helpful.

Also made an inventory of disempowering thoughts (career, finances, dating, emotional/forgiveness, progress) that keep me stuck in vicious cycle and that is also very helpful. Makes it easier to stop analyzing/worrying and do more work, and less procrastination because I am in a stuck place is 1/2 the battle.

Hope all is well here for everyone....holidays are getting close. What is everyone giving themselves for the holidays? Me, not sure yet, could be a pair of ice skates or something else- not sure yet.

[Gaining Strength]

I have small periods (often at night) during which I feel very comfortable and clear.  Those moments give me clarity and a peek into what being out of depression and anxiety is like and that gives me hope.

This is slow but I am persevering.  I am in a place from early childhood working through those dread feelings resulting from rejection and being belittled and the learned expectation that it would continue to pile on.

I have made progress on not feeding into the constant processing of rejection and criticism.  But that has been constant during my entire life until recently.  It will not go away immediately but I will get free and I won't give up.

I had an xperience yesterday that highlighted my "expectation". I had a meeting with my child's trust officer.  I was not looking forward to it.  It was a new officer (after just a year) the last one made is so difficult to get funding for Outward Bound even though it had been part of the dialogue before the account was set up. I really drug my feet and had to work hard to not bail on the appointment.  I was expecting the worst.  When we met and I began describing my child's struggles and needs he stopped dead in his tracks and said I could be describing his son.  He and his wife have been through such a similar experience.  It highlighted how negative my expectations are but it also shows me how much room I have to go.