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Daughter in law

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Lupita:
Hop,

Thank you ofr writing. It is very difficult not to say anything. I wish I let h8im learned his own lessons, but I cannot.  I still have some impulse control to work on.

Hopalong:
Oh, honey. I do understand. I'm sorry I'm so blunt.

She sounds AWFUL. I would tear my hair out watching that...except that she controls access to the grandbaby.

So I'll be blunt again (since that's how I show you I care):

--- Quote ---I told him it makes me sick of my stomach each time she gets in a rampage of ugliness. He told me, go vomit to your house and come back when you feel better.
--- End quote ---

This is where your answer is. You feel what you feel (and boy would I feel the same!) BUT because of the impulse control AND boundary-with-adult-child problems (you know I know this because I FAILED at it, and my D no longer speaks to me)... you say it to him anyway.

And he, clearly, very clearly, has told you exactly what he wants you to do.

He wants you to NOT comment. So that's why I vote No Comment (from you, about her--evermore).

At the same time, another thing occurs to me... if you are distressed and upset and destabilized by being around her behavior, well there's an opportunity to set healthy boundaries for YOURSELF. You have no obligation to sit there passively and quiescent while you observe abusive behavior.

But rather than taking it up with your SON (which distresses him, obviously) -- you can just speak about YOURSELF. Your OWN well being. For example (and take this with a grain of salt because I've had a beer):

I love you all so much. But I'm going to have to take a break (go outside, not be available this week), because when you ARGUE/BICKER/CRITICIZE EACH OTHER I find I feel so upset that I can't enjoy being with my grandbaby. Please call me next week...I would love to babysit. But I just need a break from this tension. I can help and support you two but not when it's affecting my happiness. Please let me know when thing are calm and you can talk to each other respectfully.

Repetez ad nauseum.

See? That's talking about YOUR feelings and wellbeing. I think if you say how it affects YOU, not your son whom you cannot speak for, it could become an adult non-victim-triangle kind of dialogue.

[Edit: Edited out a guilt-trippy little scolding that I didn't like when I read it this morning! Sheesh, ewww.]

Love you and I've MISSED you. Spent a lot of time thinking about your life and so so so wanting you to find happiness.

love to you
Hops

BonesMS:
I didn't respond right away because I needed time to think of how to word what needed to be said.  I've seen this kind of situation before and when the in-laws attempt to intervene ... or, more accurately ... interfere, it NEVER ends well.  He is an adult and, in Judge Judy's words, he picked her.  The best thing you can do is stay out of their marriage if you want to continue to have access to the grandchild.

Lupita:
They bought tickets to travel to visit my son's father side of the family, (ex-husband). My son had it well hidden from me since he knows that I hate that man for the abuse he did to my son. So, he asked me to stay at his house alone ofr five days to watch the dogs. I dislike to be in thier house alone. I only like being with the baby. Just to watch the dogs and ofr five days is too much. So, I said no and finally caved in. But I placed a boundary. I said that the only way I would stay so they can travel would be if they make an appointment with the counselor so we can go the three of us and I can say what I need to say without being kicked out of the house.
He wants so much to make that trip that he accepted.
I hope something good comes out of this. Because I am sacrificing by stayin in that house for five days. It is going to be an eternity.

lighter:
Crikey, Lupita.

You better get that therapy appointment before they stick you with the dogs.

I doubt they'll hold up their end of the bargain, once you hold up yours.

((((Lupita)))))  So nice to hear you're doing well at work, and feeling better about how you relate to others!

I've missed you too.

Lighter

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