Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Daughter in law
lighter:
Lupe:
You may not see the harmful people in if your life punished, but this life is hard. They suffer, just like everyone else, and if that comforts you at all, grab it and file it for future reference. Every time I have the urge to feel like the harmful people in my life are getting away with it, I just remember how hard life is, and trust that God reaches out and touches us all for unkind thoughts and deeds. I BELIEVE that, and I don't wish harm on anyone, or pray for negative things to happen, bc it only backfires, and harms me, IME. have to trust God, and fate, and try to have the best darned life I can have, which is impacted negatively when I waste time on the negative rabbit holes.
Life is here, right now, in our own heads, where our feet are. It's looking into the eyes of a child, and making them feel seen, and heard, safe and loved while embracing the change in weather, and what we find under rocks. THAT's a good life, and that's what it's about.
About act of interpersonal violence....... it's real. As real as a punch in the gut, or a choke hold, and I can say I prefer the gut punch, bc I've experienced all those things. The ongoing interpersonal terrorism in my life is more harmful than a punch to the gut, esp as it effects everyone in my orbit.
You have a right to feel harmed when your DIL attempts to block you from seeing your gs, esp since you've been in his life on a regular basis since his birth. It's evil to deny you that, just to harm you. It's truly evil, but your DIL can't do any better. It's sad, and painful, and wrong, but your DIL can't do any better. She's broken, and it's better to wonder what happened to her that made her feel she needs to behave that way, then be glad you aren't having that kind of life right now, and turn back to what you want to model for your gs.
Model forgiveness, and compassion.
Turn back to what you'll do with the time you do get with him..... to the positive happy things you DO have in your life.
Like I said, when your DIL jerks you around with seeing your gs, don't escalate. Don't spend time dwelling on the loss/unfairness/pain....
think ahead to when you do see your gs. It's coming, and will come again, and you have the choice of how to handle yourself in this situation.
Remember when you and I first started posting to each other? The imaginary helmet? To keep things out, before they can get in and trigger you/pull you down/harm you? Don't let DIL into your head, Lupe. It will take practice, but you're smart, and you can do this.
Forgive her, and know she can't do any bettter, of she would, bc she loves her son, and your son, and harming them isn't what she'd want if
she
could
do
better.
She can't.
You can.
Rise above, gain some emotional distance, and remember.....
your DIL is following the voices in her head, and the scipt that likely helped her survive as a child, but now harms her in her life.
It harms your entire family, and it's sad she can't give them more joy, but she can't.
How can you mitigate that harm? If at all? Certainly limit escalation wherever you can, right?
Not one negative peep to your son. He'll help you more if you aren't part of the problem, Lupe.
That's what you have to work with. Getting angry robs you, and you have the choice to adopt an attitude of intestinal fortitude, and always always always go back to wondering what happened to your DIL that makes her act that way....
shrug....
be happy you're having a better, day, week, month, life, and go on about a better day, refusing to let her drag you into the depths of despair.
That's the choice you have, and IME modeling that, in deed, word and esp your attitude/ spirit when around your gs IS HUGE. Kids can sense how we feel. THEY KNOW.
It will be huge for you too, and I'm praying every day your DIL stops lashing out, as you gain some distance from her, and you get a regular schedule with gs, and go on about your business.
It's going to be OK, Lupita. Trust. Be positive, or as positive as you can, vent here, and know all will be well.....
you're going to be OK.
We can't defend against stress and the fight or flight chemical dump. All we can do is try to STOP it from getting into our heads, before it starts, if we can. We choose how to handle the asshat in traffic, the mean waiter, the emotional slap from a family member, and either let them make us feel victimized, and rotten....
or not.
Don't let them control you, Lupita. Don't let them pull you down, and rob you of your joy. Ask yourself.....
I wonder what happened to that person instead.
Make it a habit.
Find your serenity Lupe, and I know I've been posting to you for years and years, and that you usually don't get much of what I say, but I keep saying it, bc your such a good person, and your challenges were inflicted on you by your mother, and it's not fair, and I want so much more for you. You've grown so much, and it's been so nice to witness your victories: )
Much love, and light...
Lighter
Lupita:
Lighter, thank you for writing.
Why do you think I dont get what you tell me?
Anyway,
DIL accepted finally to go to counseling with my son and I. App on Tuesday at 4 pm.
I need all the advice I can get on what to say. If he asks what when why, to me, can I say I am hurt by her actions? I really want the counselor to realize that she has a personality disorder but I have to be careful what I say.
There has to be something I can say for him to know that hse is inflicting so much pain on me.
Please, write as soon as you can. Lighter, write, everybody, help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
All my friends. please, write.
Hopalong:
That is such fantastic news, Lupita.
I would recommend not having an agenda about what the counselor sees or concludes about your DIL.
That would be manipulating the session.
This session is your chance to be open and honest about how YOU feel and how much YOU
want a positive, loving relationship between yourself and your DIL.
That's where the problem is. And if I were you, that would be my only goal. Not to be "right" (as
in proving her "bad") -- but to be happy (have a renewed relationship with her and more time with
your grandbaby). If your focus remains on proving what is wrong with her, rather than owning
the part YOU can own in the troubles between you, nothing will heal.
As to what to say? Listen to the counselor's questions and speak honestly. Only specific verbal
advice I can think of is to be sure not to use YOU messages. You this, you that, you think, you want,
you are.
Instead, stay with speaking for yourself and from your heart. You can say: "I feel so hurt when
you say you don't want me to babysit." OR "I feel so sad our relationship is strained because
I want it to be happy!" OR "I feel confused about how all this happened and I want to know
how I can make it better." OR "I feel frightened of losing my family when you are angry at
me...because I've already lost too much family." Whatever your truth is. But make it about
YOU and how YOU FEEL.
Not about her. This isn't court. Your job isn't to convict her. Or yourself, or anyone.
Your job is to ask, "How can I make this better?" and then LISTEN to the response.
Good luck, so glad you're doing this. And please notice that your DIL is doing it too.
(I believe, from reading your series of posts here, that you might benefit a lot from
taking "NVC" in your area. I really do. Cheap or free, the classes are based on the
work of Rosenberg.
“All violence is the result of people tricking themselves into believing that their pain derives from other people and that consequently those people deserve to be punished.”
― Marshall B. Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life )
It doesn't mean a person can't be a victim. That is a misunderstanding. But the training
might have a big impact on how you behave near your family, I think.
love
Hops
lighter:
update for us lupita?
just remember dil might be able to hear what your needs are if she first feels heard and that her needs are important.
I would be very focused on getting everyone's needs met and have that remain my focus. You might have to endure endless blame and scathing accusation that are actually about dil's behaviors and not yours. you cant calm things down if you defend or point out the truth. all you can do is endure....bite your tongue till it bleeds and steer things back to....
this is what I need.....what do you need or ask what son and dil need then tailor your answer regarding your needs accordingly.
The goal is to calm the dil and see more of your gs. what will dil say she needs from you? how can you compssionately state your needs and not jack up your dil and the chaos?
you can say....
I need my dil to feel safe and comfortable with all gs' grandparents...including me. How can I work to bring that about?
saying you need your dil to stop acting like a maniacal b@itch prolly wont solve anything so check your emotions at the door and be ready r
to help put concrete actions in place that help dil feel less threatened and negative about you.
God help you Lupe.....Dil might be counting on you getting upset and blowing it. Rise above with some mindful emotional distance and keep your eye on your grandson (((lupe)))
lighter
Lupita:
Thank you to all my friends who wrote.
The psychologist was a university professor, with research experience, expert in family therapy and very knowledgeable individual. He did not let me complain, he asked me to say positive things about her. She complained and I defended me and she could not lash out back at me because what she said was so absurd that she had to stay quiet after my answer.
He asked what did we know about neuroscience and my son and I were very knowledgeable and she of course very ignorant she just watches zombies and walking dead, very shallow person.
He asked us to have a phone conversation fo 15 min without criticism. We are going to have that on Friday, tomorrow. He asked us to get together on Sunday and eat and she said OK. So, I am going to their house on Sunday to eat with them.
We paid $135.00 divided in three. My part was 45.00
I should be grateful that things start to get better but i feel so humilieated and powerless and insulted, my tongue is bleeding for biting it so much.
I am still depressed. And very resentful and wishing that I can dance over her grave some day but have to count my blessing that I am going to hug my baby grand son this weekend.
My only triumph was that she complained that I was playing with the baby in the guest room instead on the sofa like we used to, but I replied immediately:
"Your mother was on the sofa ALL DAY LONG" remember?
She got quiet.
Then she said, my mother is in Oklahoma now.
Then I said,
"You did not give me the chance, you kicked me out of the house"
She got quiet again.
So, she had nothing to say. Nothing. She breast fed the baby during the therapy session, she surely planned it to impress the Dr. She also said that I could not hold the baby during the session. What a devil.
But, anyway, she accepted to go, to comeback in two weeks and to do the homework of the phone call and the food on Sunday. So, counting blessings. The pain is a little less but still is there geting me exhausted everyday.
I did not update before because the sadness does not let me do anything. I barely get up to go to work.
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