Daughter in law

[Lupita]

I am having problems with my daughter in law.  Does anybody here have a daughter in law that is control freak and obsessive about what others do? She is emasculating and castrating my son. Can somebody help me?

[Twoapenny]

I don't think there's an awful lot you can do if the situation involves adults.  As hard as it is, involving yourself might push your son away.  People tend to need to see the problem for themselves before they can do anything about it.  Not an easy situation to be in, it's very hard to watch someone you love be in a situation that isn't good for them.

[BonesMS]

From my perspective, if your son has not asked for help, then you need to leave the situation alone.  If he has asked for help, then the best advice to give him is for him to talk to a professional marriage counselor, alone, if necessary to figure things out.  It is NOT Mommy's place or responsibility to fix his marriage.  If he's old enough to get married, then he is an adult who needs to figure out how to deal with life's problems.  A piece of advice I had to give someone, after she tried to recruit me to interfere with her child's marriage, was this:

"Your nose ends where their marriage begins."

If you attempt to force your child to choose between you or their spouse, you're going to lose.  It's hard to keeps hands off but you have to do it and let your adult children resolve their own dilemmas.  If you attempt to "fix" your son's problem for him, you could easily find yourself being cut off by him.

Just my two cents.

[Gaining Strength]

Maybe, just maybe it might be of value to voice your concerns in the form of sympathy to your son. To say something to him about noticing that when your DIL does so and so it seems emasculating.  Or say that it is painful for you to see your DIL do this thing or that thing.  Avoid saying negative things about your DIL and only talk about her actions.

[lighter]

Lupita:

I always find that saying something nice or positive about the control freak/personality disturbed person can make the emasculated/bothered person feel safe enough with you to voice their concerns or complain.

At that point you're more likely to be able to discuss solutions, if that discussion is going to take place at all, IME.

Hugs to you, Lupita. 

Lighter

[Hopalong]

I vote No Comment, Lupita.

Your son is an adult and you cannot control his relationships. Your job is to be supportive and kind to them both and never criticize his mate. IF he brings it up with you and he asks for your thoughts, give them gently. But only if you are directly asked. (Don't spend time hovering and ready to pounce at an opportunity to tell him what you think of her.)

If he does not, understand that accepting his separateness from you as an adult is a critical transition for you that will affect the rest of your life. Including whether you are a welcome grandmother.

The cliche of "Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?" might apply.

You can't weed her out of your little family herd and I think if you try to, it will be disastrous.

Good luck...
Hops

[Lupita]

Twoapenny,
Thank you so much for your answer. My post was there for several days all alone and nobody cared. You were the first one to have compassion and show some care about a lonely person. Thank you. And, you are right, it is not easy to watch. She snaps her fingers at him. She yells at him and claps when she is in a hurry. Not even a waitress deserves to be treated that way. My son is overly compliant. She tells him "you irritate me so much" and all of that in front of me. She is an N I think with no empathy. She thinks she is the non plus ultra. When my son leaves home he carries many things for work, cables, instruments, etc for the entertainment industry. Nobody helps him. When she leaves the house she gets overly mad if he does not help even though she only needs the pumps for the breast mils. When she cooks, she only cooks for her self and does not let anybody touch her food. My son works hard and he cannot eat the food she cooks.
I like the fact that she is strong and hard worker and a good mother to my baby grand son. I even love the fact that nobody f**k with her. I want her to kick ass but not the one of my son.  At sometimes I think she does not like my son and she hates him. And sometimes I think she hates him because I love him becasue her mother is not as helpful with her as I am with my son and her. I babysit for them all my free time for free plus my full time job and not only ofr them to work but for them to go out and hgave drinks and have fun. But I am getting to the point that I am very frustrated.
Thank you Twopenny. 

[Lupita]

BonesMS,
Thank you so much for replying to my post. I was very sad to see that for several days my old friends were they posting about other things and completely ignoring my post. You are right. My son gets mad at me very much for telling him how much I dislike the way he is treated. He says it is OK. I do not think so. But you are right that he gets mad. That make sme sad, depressed, frustrated and concerned.
Thank you again.

[Lupita]

Gaining S,
Thank you so much for writing. It is true. I tell him how much it hurts to see it. I say how wonderful she is hard  worker, focused, excellent mother, determined, and maybe my son is a little procrsatinating, and that is why sometimes I get irritated with him too.

I told him it makes me sick of my stomach each time she gets in a rampage of ugliness. He told me, go vomit to your house and come back when you feel better.  of course, he will call me if he needs baby sitting. I baby sit at least four times a week. Had to forget about my dance lessons, and my social life because their work is unpredictable and I always have to cancel. But I love so much that baby that I will do everything I can to be with the baby.

I am being used and abused, at my own will. LOL. I love that baby so much so mcuh so much!!!!!!!!  For me being with the baby is a meditation. He does not critizice, does not need to be impressed, he only cries for milk. I totally feel present with him and forget about my own problems.

The baby is magic to my life.

[Lupita]

Light!!!!!!!!!

I miss you so much!!!!!!!!!!

How are you? How are your children?

I think that my DIL has a hole in her heart and she doe snot how to feel it. First she wanted a dog, then a second dog, they a house, then a baby, now she wants another baby, a bigger kitchen, and so much disfunction!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Her mother is a total sick twisted individual. You have no idea what they have put me through.

The good thing is that I am imrpoving at my work and my personality so much!!!!!!

Her family is Jerry Springer material. Not that I am a perfect relative, I have my issues, but I do not mistreat people. She does.

[Lupita]

Hop,

Thank you ofr writing. It is very difficult not to say anything. I wish I let h8im learned his own lessons, but I cannot.  I still have some impulse control to work on.

[Hopalong]

Oh, honey. I do understand. I'm sorry I'm so blunt.

She sounds AWFUL. I would tear my hair out watching that...except that she controls access to the grandbaby.

So I'll be blunt again (since that's how I show you I care):

I told him it makes me sick of my stomach each time she gets in a rampage of ugliness. He told me, go vomit to your house and come back when you feel better.

This is where your answer is. You feel what you feel (and boy would I feel the same!) BUT because of the impulse control AND boundary-with-adult-child problems (you know I know this because I FAILED at it, and my D no longer speaks to me)... you say it to him anyway.

And he, clearly, very clearly, has told you exactly what he wants you to do.

He wants you to NOT comment. So that's why I vote No Comment (from you, about her--evermore).

At the same time, another thing occurs to me... if you are distressed and upset and destabilized by being around her behavior, well there's an opportunity to set healthy boundaries for YOURSELF. You have no obligation to sit there passively and quiescent while you observe abusive behavior.

But rather than taking it up with your SON (which distresses him, obviously) -- you can just speak about YOURSELF. Your OWN well being. For example (and take this with a grain of salt because I've had a beer):

I love you all so much. But I'm going to have to take a break (go outside, not be available this week), because when you ARGUE/BICKER/CRITICIZE EACH OTHER I find I feel so upset that I can't enjoy being with my grandbaby. Please call me next week...I would love to babysit. But I just need a break from this tension. I can help and support you two but not when it's affecting my happiness. Please let me know when thing are calm and you can talk to each other respectfully.

Repetez ad nauseum.

See? That's talking about YOUR feelings and wellbeing. I think if you say how it affects YOU, not your son whom you cannot speak for, it could become an adult non-victim-triangle kind of dialogue.

[Edit: Edited out a guilt-trippy little scolding that I didn't like when I read it this morning! Sheesh, ewww.]

Love you and I've MISSED you. Spent a lot of time thinking about your life and so so so wanting you to find happiness.

love to you
Hops

[BonesMS]

I didn't respond right away because I needed time to think of how to word what needed to be said.  I've seen this kind of situation before and when the in-laws attempt to intervene ... or, more accurately ... interfere, it NEVER ends well.  He is an adult and, in Judge Judy's words, he picked her.  The best thing you can do is stay out of their marriage if you want to continue to have access to the grandchild.

[Lupita]

They bought tickets to travel to visit my son's father side of the family, (ex-husband). My son had it well hidden from me since he knows that I hate that man for the abuse he did to my son. So, he asked me to stay at his house alone ofr five days to watch the dogs. I dislike to be in thier house alone. I only like being with the baby. Just to watch the dogs and ofr five days is too much. So, I said no and finally caved in. But I placed a boundary. I said that the only way I would stay so they can travel would be if they make an appointment with the counselor so we can go the three of us and I can say what I need to say without being kicked out of the house.
He wants so much to make that trip that he accepted.
I hope something good comes out of this. Because I am sacrificing by stayin in that house for five days. It is going to be an eternity.

[lighter]

Crikey, Lupita.

You better get that therapy appointment before they stick you with the dogs.

I doubt they'll hold up their end of the bargain, once you hold up yours.

((((Lupita)))))  So nice to hear you're doing well at work, and feeling better about how you relate to others!

I've missed you too.

Lighter