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The A-I of Surviving N Mothers

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Ales2:


Anyway, here is a little handy-dandy tool I use during my day to stay strong and remain calm. Having them in alphabetical order makes them easy for me to remember all 16 of them in order.

A - Awareness, Assertiveness, Autonomy
B - Boundaries
C - Courage
D - Detachment, Do it yourself!
E - EGO (i.e have more of one and be Ok with that. No more superiority from others and inferiority from myself)
F - Faith
G - Gratitude
H - Habits, Honesty
I - Initiative, Independence, Intelligence, Integrity.


A note - notice that F does not include Forgiveness. It originally did, but I find that one is too tough for me. When I forgive, I tend to let my guard down and that backfires. Boundaries are better than forgiveness with a chronic abuser, at least in my opionion, feel free to disagree.  And gratitude, an odd one right? I say "Im grateful this person has shown their true colors" is me being happy that Im not influenced by toxic people anymore.
 

My tool that I am working on daily right now is..... Stay strong, get a job, move on. Any other answer is counterproductive.

A good day and happy week to all!

 :D

river:
Really like this. 
And agree about forgiveness.  I consider its not my job to forgive humans, its God's job. Its my job to live by the best principles I can at any given moment, as you imply. Thats my amends, and feels more right sized solution for me than forgiveness.   

Ales2:
My issue with forgiveness is simple - I get forgiving the drunk driver/rapist/murderer that killed your sister or some other horrible one time event. Its one time and its over, even as much as that hurts, there is no going back.

With family abusers, some adults can forgive the physical or sexual abuse because it is OVER and does not continue into adulthood. With family emotional or verbal abusers, they will continue until the day they die to make life miserable. And, the abuse actually gets worse when you figure out their game, challenge them or try to cut them off.  That is what I am currently going through and I wont be bullied into "forgiving" someone so they can re-abuse me which is what she is doing right now. Boundaries are the ONLY way. 

Gaining Strength:
That's a great list, impressive.  It is so important to stay strong and not let the fear and subjugation take hold (I say that to myself.)

I think each of us gets to decide the significant question on forgiveness for ourselves. If it feels belittling then no way Josea.  Some days I choose to forgive them and some days not.  When I do I see them as the broken children they must have been and I forgive them because they were broken themselves but as adults I haven't found the wherewithal to forgive them.  I do find that my anger towards them binds me more than I care to be bound and forgiveness frees me of them. But I can never forgive their actions towards me and the hell they caused.

It seems al so complicated.

Hopalong:
Forgiving my mother became easier after I learned about her abusive father.
And, taking care of her through very very old age, cancer, and stroke.

She had that hollow N emptiness and was not affectionate, but was
dutiful. Very damaging to me in her way, but never overtly abusive.

So I think she was much easier to forgive than the mothers of many here.

Hops

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