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I'm back....

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bearwithme:
Oh my!  I'm back.   :(   :cry:I never wanted to come here ever again (no offense) but I don't know what else to doo.  I don't know if you all remember me but I was here for some time after I revolted against my NM.  I have a long story that some of you may or may not know and I can't bore you all with the details.....too tired.

I'm lost right now.  I'm hurting and feel like I've hit a HUGE recession with my progress.  I feel defeated by my NM. I have been depressed all day.  I screamed so loud in my car (by myself, btw) that my throat is now sore.

She wins.

bearwithme:
After almost 2 years of NC with my NM, I allowed her back in my life.  The 2 years of NC were the most amazing growth spiritually and emotionally I have ever encountered. that's when I left this wonderful Voicelessness board.

I saw things differently.  I said things differently.  I behaved differently.  I thought differently.  I showed my emotions differently.  I felt better, stronger and very, very, very wise.  Wise beyond my wildest dreams.  Wise about people.  Wise about where I stood in my own universe.  I was focused. I was able to love.  Actually love I finally understood who my NM was and the reality hit me like a brick and knocked me out! I spent well over 40 years of my life focused on the wrong person and those 2 years of NC with my Narcissistic Mother revealed a strength I never knew I had.  The strength to kick someone out of my life with no regret whatsoever.  I had no pain.  I had no tears.  I had no frustrations and no more confusion.

I spent 2 years licking my wounds and focusing solely on me, albeit my husband and dither were the center of my universe and I actually felt proud of that.  I was able to be proud of the family I helped create.  I was able to feel pride in my decision to tell my NM to go to Hell and really felt that if she had passed away during that time, I would be okay.  I honestly let my mother go.  I fell out of love with her.  I didn't care what she was doing during the day.  I never worried about her and I had absolute no desire to talk to her or want to be close to her. I  feel that I lost my connective feelings for her alltogether and it didn't hurt one bit.  I wasn't sad about any of it nor did I feel all that happy.  I was just content.  I knew I was doing the right thing.

For the first time in my entire life, weeks and weeks would pass without giving her a thought.   After the big blow out when I threw her suitcase out on lawn and all her belongings out of my house and told her to leave, I had peace.  She continued to send me cards and letters that were insulting.  They focused on me and how I "should seek help for my problems" and that she prayed for me "to have peace and strength so your family won't suffer with you..."  She once wrote, "May the angels of the Lord give you peace in your time of troubles."

Cutting to the chase, I allowed her back in my life and my daughter's life (now 7) because I was/am so much stronger and in a much better place.  I have much more perspective on her PD.  I still do.  But I'm not perfect.  On her recent visit, she said a remark that was just intended to hurt.  I didn't hurt, of course, but I saw her try to manipulate and go for my jugular and I let her do it.  she's an artist at being mean and vicious.  So sad.  I pitty her. 

I'm having trouble with this one.  I see the next 2 decades or so caring for this woman because there is no one else.  I see my future as "putting up with her" despite all my revelations and growth, etc.  I see a grim picture.  I thought I could handle it and perhaps I can but with some anger here and there.  I didn't realize how tired I am after her recent visit.  I couldn't get her to the airport fast enough and I almost chucked her suitcase (once again) onto the airport curb.  When I drove away this morning, watching her walk away with her suite case, I said aloud, F*#@% You!  I heard, myself say this and I was done.  I screamed. 

I haven't told her "I love you" since my 2 year NC.   So it's been 5 years collectively with no "I love you" to her and I believe this really bothers her.  But I don't know if I love her.  Like I said, I fell out of love with my mother and that feeling is so bizarre on its own.

Thank you for listening.  I know you are all so knowledgeable about this stuff and your support means a lot.

Bear.

Hopalong:
I'm sorry (((((((((Bear)))))))))).
I feel sorry for you both.
(I was imagining my D feeling the same about me).

I am glad you've come back here to spill the story
and some of the pain.

I hope you will find 3D support too as you sound
very distressed about the recurrence of these feelings.

I need to go re-read some of your old threads, to
catch up.

Hang in there,
Hops

Gaining Strength:
Welcome back.  I hope you find what you need here. I came back a few months ago to work out issues.  My NM died a year ago and there is much for me to untangle.  I fin this place a good place to do that.  I hope you will as well.

Twoapenny:
Hey Bear :)

Sorry things are bad, but it's nice to see you anyway!

Don't think that you've somehow failed or let yourself down.  I seesawed back and forth with my mum for years.  That bond is really strong, however much abuse may have gone on.  I think most of us would be ready to forgive and forget for a long time before we finally break free.  I know there's no way I could have contact with my mum, only because I've made tentative steps in the past thinking I could 'manage' her and she showed me, again, that she is kind of a different species to me and can't/won't change.

If your mum is still pushing your buttons, remember you're in control and you can make choices - about how/if you see her, how much time you spend with her, probably more importantly, what you expose your daughter to?  What's the care issue with your mum, does she need care or is it that she will in the future?  There are other alternatives to family doing it so don't let yourself get wrapped into 'this is my life for the next twenty years and I've no say'.  You've every say in every decision, it probably just feels like you're four again at the minute because you've spent some time with her and she's brought it all out in you again.  Nothing's set in stone and you're not on your own (and I do remember you throwing her cases out into the garden and I thought it was fab! :) ).

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