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Been away from the Board for a while

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sKePTiKal:
Hi Garbanzo... this, hit me like a ton o' bricks... I can, relate:


--- Quote --- it's not popular to be real
--- End quote ---

Can I riff on that a bit? Nothing personal, really - just the observation that now, more than ever, there is social pressure to "belong" or identify oneself as being part of a group. And well, I think a lot of people have a need to belong; they need the acceptance and recognition of their "selves" from the group - the emotional security of the group. <hey: what's emotional security? is that a "thing" really - or a fleeting, transitory state of being?>

Early on, in HS... this group thing was real predominant (didn't exist for me at all in grade school), but I'd seen that the exchange of being "accepted" into a group (or not) was a trade-off; an exchange -- the security of the group, for giving up some individuality and freedom. To me, that was a box; a cage... and I didn't want to be pegged as being in ANY of those boxes. So, I floated on the edges of many of them - participating to a degree - but never letting them "own" me to the point that I felt trapped; as if I'd sold my soul to them for security.

A group offers social activities. Sometimes you work together, with a common goal - using your individual skills/strengths. Sometimes you just hang out together and enjoy doing nothing productive; sometimes you just have fun. Groups tend NOT to support introverts, unless you develop an extrovert persona that you put on for those occasions FIRST... JUST to participate in the opportunity to feel like you belong to the group. Trying to pick one, maybe two people to have a "real" conversation with isn't always a good strategy either. Sometimes it works. [just using the pronoun "you" incorrectly to keep it simple; I don't mean YOU, Garbanzo...]

Well, that whole "group" thing is kinda circular for me, in any case. I tell myself, I like to think... that I have enough self-confidence in who I am, to just be me and not worry about being part of the "group" and I go, I'm social, but I'm seldom "real" - no one wants a serious conversation at a party and it's still a change from my normal routine, so in that respect - it's "fun". But the inner child part of me is desperate for some "real" connection, while at the same time she's putting out all the signals of:

"don't come any closer; that's far enough - biohazard, toxic waste, nasty awful stuff - past this point." When I got her home, the last time, I spent a couple weeks asking her who said she could come out of her cage and terrorize all those people who were just trying to be nice... after all, she is supposed to be neither seen nor heard... you know?

My inner child is a real terror about the "group" thing... at least, to my extremely inexperienced, victorian, puritanical "idea" of how one is supposed act and what one is supposed to talk about... and all that changes, and goes away... when I'm in charge of what's going on, handling the logistics, delegating, heading off the "awkward moments"... and not burning the appetizers. I'm a miserable follower and feel more comfortable being the leader. So, what's your role in groups?

Hopalong:
Wow, PR...such timing.

Last night I had to decide whether I was going to get going and turn up at my high school reunion,
and I just couldn't bring myself to do it. The whole group thing in school was so unpleasant for me
that I couldn't imagine much pleasure in re-encountering those people now.

It's a feeling of I should have gone, but ... but ...

So I stayed home and ate pasta.

Hops

Meh:

--- Quote from: Hopalong on August 17, 2014, 09:09:11 AM ---
..................So I stayed home and ate pasta.

Hops

--- End quote ---

And folks staying home to eat pasta is the moral of the story.  8)

Meh:
Get momentary glimpses of WANTING to journal for about 30 seconds to a 60 seconds on my way home from work. During my walk home. By the time I get home do not feel like writing much. Whatever it was I had to say kind of came and went. Been happening for the past year now. Not able to sit down much and just write. Haven't been feeling voiceless at all. Have been feeling like everything is old and I don't care and I am just a hunk of flesh.

Not a complaint. Just kind of a statement. Well I am going to eat some chicken soup from a can thank god because I am too tired.

I am tempted to log into my work computer system because there is something that I feel I didn't get done at this retarded retail job.

I do have more to say. maybe later as all I want to do is eat soup and space out.

Hopalong:
You've really been whittled and refined by what you've lived through, Boat.

You're way more than a hunk of flesh.

I think this is healing time for you, and it looks inactive.
But it isn't...

I think things will small-ly, gradually, begin to turn.

love
Hops

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