Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Having Trouble Being Ordinary
Twoapenny:
Thank you everyone, you help me so much, thank you.
I'm completely exhausted. I think there's some massive emotional stuff going on at some level. I sat on my bed after lunch just to rest my eyes and woke up four hours later. The bed, with new mattress, is in my new room. There's still bits to paint and curtains and pictures to put up, but the main bit is done, all the old furniture is in the garden to be collected tomorrow and the new sofa should be arriving tomorrow afternoon. I sent the paperwork off to the solicitor and I've had to put in a complaint about our doctor who is dragging his heels over some medical things my son needs. I still really dread standing up to people and upsetting them but it's done now and I did feel better as soon as I'd posted it.
I have realised that to live in the real world I need to interact with real people and I really need to try to find a way to have some actual physical contact on a daily basis. I feel completely devoid of human love and affection and it really isn't healthy. I've found a couple more groups to try and I've only got a couple of friends I enjoy hanging out with, to be honest, but I'm going to try and spend a bit more time with them. I'm also trying to let my good friends know how much I appreciate them more openly, I realised I don't tend to say "thanks for being a good friend" very often so I'm trying to do that a bit more.
Tired and sleepy and ready for bed! Thank you all for being there xx
teartracks:
Aren't those sorely needed, long, spontaneous naps yummy!
Your resolve is inspiring.
tt
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: teartracks on August 20, 2014, 08:38:42 PM ---
Aren't those sorely needed, long, spontaneous naps yummy!
Your resolve is inspiring.
tt
TT, thank you so much. I have my son to try and improve myself for, it's him that keeps me moving forward. I have a lot to thank him for!
You are right about those naps, I just hadn't realised how utterly exhausted I've been for years now. I rented a box set from the library yesterday and spent the entire day curled up on my new sofa and only moved to cook food and get more drinks. Today has been lazy as well. I've just felt for so long that sitting down is a terribly bad thing to do. Isn't it funny how we create these things for ourselves. So much pressure, so silly.
The being perfect thing is still with me and stops me from living my life. I enjoy yoga and have a DVD at home, but I hardly ever do it because I have this thing in my head that I ought to be up doing it at 5am so I can fit in an hour. So I just did ten minutes this afternoon. Feel better just for that little bit. Really trying to be a bit more proactive and a bit less hard on myself all the time. I am definitely becoming a fan of lazy days!
--- End quote ---
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: teartracks on August 24, 2014, 01:15:58 PM ---
--- Quote ---You are right about those naps, I just hadn't realised how utterly exhausted I've been for years now. I rented a box set from the library yesterday and spent the entire day curled up on my new sofa and only moved to cook food and get more drinks. Today has been lazy as well. I've just felt for so long that sitting down is a terribly bad thing to do. Isn't it funny how we create these things for ourselves. So much pressure, so silly.
The being perfect thing is still with me and stops me from living my life. I enjoy yoga and have a DVD at home, but I hardly ever do it because I have this thing in my head that I ought to be up doing it at 5am so I can fit in an hour. So I just did ten minutes this afternoon. Feel better just for that little bit. Really trying to be a bit more proactive and a bit less hard on myself all the time. I am definitely becoming a fan of lazy days!
--- End quote ---
I know the feeling all too well. I remember my grandfather coming from town one day (he liked to palaver with the merchants on these trips when he had freedom from my crusty grandmother) with this quote. I never forgot it. It's a shame I never adopted the wisdom of it. I either stand (busy) or I lie down - no in between...
Never run when you can walk.
Never walk when you can stand.
Never stand when you can sit.
Never sit when you can lay down.
Never lay down when you can sleep.
I've been tired (abnormally so) for about a dozen years. As I've aged it morphed into deep, deep, deep exhaustion. Finally it appears I accidentally stumbled upon the cause. Adrenal fatigue. I read the symptoms after hearing a radio report about it. I kept reading and sure enough the symptoms
fit me. It took a while to find an integrative medicine doctor who understood the dang thing. I think, I hope, I believe I'm getting treatment that will get me back to an age appropriate level of fatigue. I had become so discouraged.
I'm glad your new room and new view are bringing you comfort.
--- End quote ---
Yes, adrenal fatigue! I read something about it and it fitted with me exactly! It's to do with long term stress, isn't it, being constantly in fight or flight mode? I have recently started taking supplements - iron, vitamin c, vitamin B6 and magnesium. I feel calmer and more relaxed (as shown by being able to sit down all day yesterday!).
I love those sayings of your grandfather. Definitely something to think about and take on board. Thank you :)
Twoapenny:
I think being unordinary was how I escaped. I can remember always being in another world even as a kid. I was forever away in my own mind and spent endless hours reading, all night, sometimes.
And then through adult life I have chopped and changed jobs, houses, boyfriends, friends, approaches, perspectives, whenever I wanted to. It's been jump, jump, jump all the way.
And now I'm not jumping I feel terribly sad, terribly anxious and like a complete failure. I feel resigned to a life that I didn't want and don't enjoy. I'm struggling to find joy in anything I see or do at the moment. Nothing feels right. Nothing is as I would like it to be. I feel alone and unlikeable. A phase, I'm sure, but not one that I'm enjoying.
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