Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Having Trouble Being Ordinary
Twoapenny:
Well still trying to live in the real world and not in my mind and it's hard! But I am battling through and, I think, starting to feel more settled.
I've joined a slimming group (I might have mentioned this already) and so far have lost half a stone (just over 3 kilos). It's a healthy eating diet rather than a weird faddy one; eat as much as you like of fruit, veg, lean meat and fish and then you can have all the other stuff but in set amounts so you're not overdoing. I have found it very difficult to stick to, mostly because sugar and junk had become my drug of choice and without them I have had to face up to some more of my emotional stuff and that has been hard, but I'm a month in now and I'm starting to get the hang of it.
I had realised I felt I had no direction or control over my life because of my son's health problems as what I do is entirely dependent on how he is at the time and my life always felt like I was doing things because I had to rather than doing what I wanted to. So I am trying now to break the 'duty' role I have cast for myself and I'm trying to rotate the necessary boring stuff with things that I enjoy. I find that hard, dancing round the kitchen when the dishes need washing feels naughty and that makes me feel scared but I am really trying. So far I've finished one patchwork panel for a footstool cover I'm making, I've learnt to play three notes on a guitar I got from Freecycle (I don't know if you have that in the States but people list things they don't want anymore and you get them for free), I have written about ten pages of 'the book' I've been wanting to write for the last twenty years and my son and I went to the beach and ate icecream in the rain :) I'm really noticing critical voices every time I do it but I am arguing back and pushing myself ahead. I'm not feeling so lonely anymore, perhaps I needed to spend more time with me and not other people? Maybe that's what being lonely's all about?
Winter is starting to set in here but it's still quite mild considering. I've pea shoots coming up which I'm quite excited about as our soil is really poor and this is my third attempt at growing veg so hopefully we'll get something this year! I've ordered some little solar lights for the garden and a chimenea so I can sit outside in the evenings, it's dark now by 5pm but we have an amazing view of the stars most evenings and the most glorious full moons so I really want to sit out there some nights without freezing my bits off.
Life is good. Hard, but I feel like I'm getting somewhere and I feel like I'm working hard for me rather than other people, if that makes any sense?
Hopalong:
I hear creativity, renewal and openness to life!
Spring can happen any season...sounds very impressive, Tupp.
I need a lot of those lessons you're enjoying -- savoring and creating during
my own downtime, not escaping.
OH, those stars. No wonder you're such a thinker.
love
Hops
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on November 21, 2014, 06:32:15 AM ---I hear creativity, renewal and openness to life!
Spring can happen any season...sounds very impressive, Tupp.
I need a lot of those lessons you're enjoying -- savoring and creating during
my own downtime, not escaping.
OH, those stars. No wonder you're such a thinker.
love
Hops
--- End quote ---
Thanks, Hops :) I am finding I'm escaping through these enjoyable things but in a more connected way, if that makes any sense? I've just finished the second square of my footstool cover and it's put me in a much better mood to go and tackle the tedious but necessary stuff that I do need to get done today or there won't be any clean clothes for tomorrow or tea tonight :) But I think it's balance, isn't it, and having to prod yourself to do it even when those old messages are calling you a lazy shirker :)
Stars - I love stars. I've been reading more about the cosmos in general - we are such a tiny, insignificant part of the overall picture that it's helping me to look at my life differently and to concentrate on getting enjoyment out of it rather than trying to 'do the right thing' all the time. Mind blowing and fascinating at the same time.
I hope you are well and that you get that lovely downtime soon :)
Twoapenny:
I think something in me has genuinely changed??!!
I've always leapt to attention when people are having a bad time. I've always put others before myself and, even being aware of that and trying to change it, I found it difficult and had to really work at it (and put up with doing the 'right' thing even though it made me feel bad). I found it difficult to say no and saying "I'm too busy" always felt alien to me. But................................I recently had an email from a friend, who is in the category of 'gets in touch when she is having a bad time'. Other than that I don't hear from her. At one point I'd have responded to this email immediately, along with phone calls, offers of help, flowers, you name it. In recent years I'd have responded to the email and felt bad about not doing the other stuff, but held back from doing it. And now.......I have no inclination to respond at all. Isn't that funny?! Feeling like that always makes me worry I'm getting selfish and bitter, which is not how I want to be, but I thought about some other friends - two way friendships, who I see or speak to just for a chat and a catch up - and yes, if they got in touch with a problem I'd still be happy to listen, because we do other things too. But no desire in me to respond to this (indirect) plea for attention. I think this is good, yes? :)
teartracks:
Hi Twoapenny,
Was it Prince Ranier who said about his bride to be, Grace Kelley, "She's an ordinary woman who makes me feel extraordinary"? Or was it the other way around? Not sure...
tt
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