Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Having Trouble Being Ordinary
Twoapenny:
Hi everyone,
Well thank you for all your posts and responses, it's really helped a lot and made me feel heard and welcome, so thank you :)
I've spent the week trying to be ordinary. No wonder I don't do it, it's bloody horrible!
I've cried a lot and there's been a lot of thinking and soul searching. I find it really, really hard to keep my head where it really is (in the here and now) and there have been plenty of times this week where I've lost myself in books or films, just to escape. But I am coming back to it each time and working on it. Have felt pretty dreadful - really foggy headed and lots of feeling sick but that's starting to lift now - an emotional release, maybe? Or a bug? Who knows!
I'm also trying to move forward and just get on with things. I plan to such an extent that things don't get done - I'm so worried about getting it right that small things become huge and just get left. I'm also starting to try to trust other people to do things for me. So for example, I had to send a whole lot of paperwork off to the solicitor again. It takes me forever, I'm so worried about missing some tiny detail that will ruin the whole case that eventually she ends up chasing me and telling me to hurry up. So .....I'm trying to keep in mind that she's a professional, she's on our side and if there is a problem, she knows she can come back to me to check and clarify if necessary. Feels weird - but it's bundled up and ready to post and I've sent the email off so it's done now.
Am also trying to make day to day life more comfortable and not keep endlessly planning for some disaster in the future. In that vein, I've ordered a new mattress for my bed, bought a new sofa (second hand but good condition and pretty, new to me!) and I'm redecorating the spare room with a view to moving into it. This will sound so weird - but I can see the side wall of the bedroom I was abused in from my bedroom window now. I know. To most people the proximity I share with my family and so many bad memories and bad places is weird, probably to the point of creepy. But on some level I feel that I'd buried it all so deep that I really needed it all in my face to be able to work through it and deal with it. Coming to the end of that now, though, still hoping to move at some point in the reasonably near future. And don't want to look at my old house any more so I'm moving to the back bedroom where I can't see it.
BonesMS:
((((((((((((((((((((((Tupp)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Hopalong:
That is fantastic.
What a smart and healing decision, Tupp.
I bet that cut visual thread will help more of the unconscious
ties that bind you to unravel...
I can relate to escaping into films and also to the struggle
to deal with the present.
Cheering you on,
Hops
Gaining Strength:
Twoapenny - what marvellous work. I am happy for you.
Step by step you are moving forward.
Well done.
teartracks:
Way to go Twoapeny! You took on a new and pleasing project, redecorating the spare room for you. You jettisoned three items, your old sofa, your old mattress, and the view of the old wall. (Good)Memories are made of this.
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