Changing but feeling guilty

[Overcomer]

Hello everyone!!  So I am NEVER on here anymore and I am sorry.  I miss you all.  Been under the knife 5 times since January to combat this cancer.

Wanted to jump on and tell you of the latest thing in my life besides my health.  For years I have been complaining about my Nmom.  She is now 77 and has just remarried.  The new husband has put quite a monkey wrench in her life as he is trying to come between her and her ways.  It really is quite refreshing.

Also, my Aunt who has played the role of the Golden Child in our family (even though she is not a child but my nmom's younger sister (by ten years.)   My brother has waged an all out war against my aunt (he's the scapegoat.) and it has caused a lot of upheaval in the family.  I am on my brother's side and things are coming to a head.

Everything seems to be turned upside down and we may finally be getting a little relief from the ungodly betrayals by my nmom and her tag a long sister.  BUT, now I feel guilty.  My oldest daughter does not like me being so blunt and I have been since my cancer diagnosis.  I have let them have it and now they do NOT like me.  I have wanted them to back away and they have but now I feel guilty.  My daughter thinks I'm terrible and my nmom just keeps her mouth closed but I know she will continue to enable her sister and their moochy family.  Why do I feel guilty???  Is it old engrained patterns that I still cannot shake??

[Izzy_*now*]

((((((((((((Kelly))))))))))))))))

I had been thinking of you about 2 days go and wondered about you. 5 surgeries. How are you holding up?

It really is quite refreshing.

That is a very nice way of putting it!!!!!!

Remarried at 77, and with me at 75, I would never.

It's either an ingrained pattern or if it's the 'first' crit from your daughter, you might be finding it hard to take?

I was hard-wired to my family for so long that I didn't realize I had finally let them go....or am standing up for myself?

Great to hear from you

Love
Izzy

[Twoapenny]

Hi Overcomer,

I think the guilt is very normal and I have struggled with it for years.  I remember being in counselling sessions years ago and telling the therapist that standing up to my mum felt like kicking a puppy.  She has always been very good at manipulating people into feeling sorry for her and portraying herself as a victim.  I think when you are used to putting someone else's needs first it does feel 'wrong' to stop doing that, especially as, is often the way with parents, that it might come about when they are frail and elderly.

I think perhaps the thing to do is just try to accept that you might feel guilty but not let it guide you, if that makes any sense.  I have spent years having to keep telling myself that I'm not doing anything wrong, I'm just refusing to allow my mum to treat myself and my son badly.  No-one should feel guilty about refusing to be abused, but I think part of the abuse mentality is that we convince ourselves or are convinced that it's our fault.  I think I was also taught for years that I was responsible for how my mum felt and she used to make me feel terribly ashamed of hurting her feelings when I was younger.  Obviously as a child you don't have the objectivity that you have as an adult.  My mum, for example, would act incredibly wounded over something simple, like myself or my sister not offering her a cup of tea when she got in from work or getting the hoovering done while she was at work.  She sometimes go days without talking to us over something like that.  I used to feel like I was dying inside and would tie myself in knots trying to get her to talk again.  Eventually she would and the relief was so huge, it meant all the stuff that went before didn't matter.

So I do think there can be old patterns that are incredibly hard to break but for me once I become aware of that it seems to help, for some reason?  So perhaps now you notice it it will start to lessen?  But for me I have to tell myself that I am doing the right thing and not let myself beat myself up over it, if that makes sense.

Keep on keeping on!

[Hopalong]

I can't say why you feel guilty, Kell.
I know that I hated the anger I felt. I only felt better when I let go of all
expectations and entitlement, stopped thinking some symbolic recognition
was going to happen to make me feel more loved, and moved on
into my own life.

The anger was about feeling like Cinderella. Deeply unappreciated.

Guilt is a signal that you have made a mistake or hurt someone, and need
to make amends. It's okay to feel guilt. It's a gift of regulation and it means
you have a conscience, that's all.

Toxic shame is the thought, "I am the mistake." That's NOT okay.

And I believe if you feel guilty and you raged at someone, you may have
said things that cut too deep. And that's the kind of thing apologies are good for.

Many people are terrified of making an apology. It's hard, but if it's genuine,
it is powerfully healing.

I am so sorry you have had 5 surgeries. I am so sorry you got cancer.
You have been so incredibly brave, Kelly.

love to you
Hops

[Gaining Strength]

Hey K.  So good to see you back.

I have been thinking about your post, mulling it over.  I so get why you feel guilty.  We were trained to not stand for ourselves.  It is part of the system and it became part of our relationship early on.  Family systems resist a change.  You have grown so much and weathered such difficult battles on so many levels these past couple,of years.  You have developed good insight I to  how to take care of yourself. You will make the right choice. 

I admire you and respect the strength you have developed. 

I just want to cheer you on.

[Overcomer]

Thanks friends!!  It's nice to see familiar names cheering me on. 

I guess the guilt I feel is knowing I am rocking the dysfunctional boat.  For years my mom ruled the roost with a downward, disapproving look.  I knew better than to call out anyone who was screwed up - especially nmom.  Now I walk on eggshells and apologize before I make a point around her because she will shut down, give me the silent treatment and label me as the bad one for noticing that elephant in the room.  That was before a month ago when I decided I wouldn't do that anymore.  If I didn't like something I was going to speak up and I have.

My brother has found a sympathetic ear with mom's new husband so he calls him and tells him everything.  I feel kind of bad for him because he truly did not know what he was getting himself into when he married my mother.  He started expressing displeasure when mom would hand money to my cousin so I predicted the enabling would go underground and sure enough it did.  Rather than he going to mom's house to pick up money he now meets her for lunch which is when she gives him money I guess.  Everyone noticed my cousin is the best dressed of us all.  Doesn't work.  Lives with his parents.  Mooches off my mom and then comes in with new outfits every time we see him.  Newest thing - a $300 pair of running sandals.  Yes, sandals.  Quite the thing.  Paid for by my mom.

My daughter squirms when I speak truth.  She would rather triangulate and talk about others behind their back.  You see??  I'm not doing that anymore so I feel guilty that I cannot maintain the status quo and equilibrium in our messed up family.

So I keep on.  I use Essential oils on my body to try to fight the sarcoma.  I'm finally out of bed so I am doing chores around the house.  That feels good!!