Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Has this happened to any/all of you?
Twoapenny:
Hi all,
Not been getting on the board all that often recently as trying to focus on life in the real world and stop hiding indoors! I'm finding it hard but I feel like I'm moving forward; I feel I'm at least aware of more now and picking myself up when I need to, trying to change the way I think about things and trying to notice when I feel 'bad' and figure out why that is and move past it.
As you know, I've been trying to focus more on being 'ordinary' and doing 'ordinary' things with 'ordinary' people. I think having high expectations has been a defence mechanism of mine, it keeps me from getting to know people and getting close to them so I do feel like some of the barriers are at least wobbling, even if they're not down yet.
But................I keep finding that I really, really want to see my mum. I am thinking about her a lot, worrying about her - she's older now (70 this year so definite possibility of frailty, health problems and so on). I keep finding I want to check on her, make sure she's alright. I find myself wondering what she'll do when my step-dad dies; she'll be alone, what will happen? Has she got enough money to live on, will she feed herself properly, that sort of thing.
Don't panic, I'm not going to go rushing round there. The 'sensible' part of me knows she's still capable of doing terrible things and I'm not putting myself or my boy through that again. But I've been very hardened towards my mum for a very long time now and this sudden thawing has freaked me out a little. And so I just wondered if anyone else has been through similar in their own battle with their parent?
Gaining Strength:
Yes. And I always gave into it. I don't think there is a right or wrong, only what you think you need to do. Wishing you the best.
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Gaining Strength on September 29, 2014, 03:09:57 AM ---Yes. And I always gave into it. I don't think there is a right or wrong, only what you think you need to do. Wishing you the best.
--- End quote ---
Ah thanks, GS, it always really helps to know that other people have experienced similar feelings! I used to seesaw back and forth to my mum as well, it took me years to go completely no contact with her. I think what feels different now is that before it was part of the abuse/being abused cycle - like someone who keeps going back to a partner that knocks them around - but now it feels more like a healthy adult (me!) feeling what they would usually feel about their own mum - I suppose the difference being my mum isn't a healthy person to be around so it feels weird, she's done so much bad stuff but I'm finding myself feeling - generous? magnanimus? caring? towards her? I'm not really sure how to describe the feelings, it feels quite complicated?
As I say I'm not rushing off round there - number one priority is my boy's safety. But have been feeling a bit odd about it, it really helps to know others have or do feel the same so thank you :)
Twoapenny:
It has just occured to me that I do tend to go into self destruct mode when things are going well. Life has been better recently than it has for a long time - I'm wondering if my 'you don't deserve this' voice is going off and if hooking up with my mum would guarantee life would be dreadful again! I will keep thinking on this! But will definitely not be contacting her :)
lighter:
Tupp....
My eyes kept darting back to the subject line, and who posted this thread, as I read your words.
Wow..... so unexpected, and poignant, and speaks to who you are, and your fall back position in life, I think.
I know you won't act on these thoughts, but will instead just sit with them, and listen to what they have to say.
Forgive, forgive, forgive. EFT tap,, and forgive. Forgive your mom, and keep working on cultivating a chosen family, worthy of your time, and attention.
((((Tupp))))
Light
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