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Too tired to have a voice, is there such a thing.

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Meh:
My mother has texted me today asking to meet with me this Friday. What would you do? She makes it sound quaint, meet at a place that is a store with nice things for sale, have some lunch.

She only wants to see me once or twice a year. The whole time she barely asks about anything important in my life. The most she might say is ask me what size shirt I am wearing and make some kind of assessment about me being thin or un-thin. As soon as she meets me she is already telling me when she is needing to leave. She knows exactly in five minute increments how much time she has been hanging out with me. It is some kind of familial obligation ritual which I do not understand.

It only seems to be a detriment to myself when I avoid people. Doesn't matter how unsatisfying it is to hang with them.

I hear a voice inside of me saying "why bother"   She wants to go to the store I do not. She wants to eat lunch out, I do not have much interest. Why does she do it?  


Well she sent me another text demanding that I tell her tonight if I will meet up with her. I told her I was exhausted from working retail during pre Christmas rush which is true. I told her "do whatever you want".   There I released her from any obligation, I bet that is all she wanted anyhow.

I called her after I got off work today and she seemed glad, she didn't want to drive to meet me anyhow. She started complaining about driving. So there it's over for now.

Hopalong:
Whew.
It's good that you made a decision, I think.

My Nmom was obsessively focused on "lunch dates" and I found our contact
just as empty. Still, it was for her, I think, a ritual way to "do mothering."

Kind of a Ladies Who Lunch solution to a connection that she didn't know
how to make emotionally, and that was worse than hunger for me.

I endured many an empty lunch but it was that sad dance of skeletons
on an empty ballroom floor.

Much tragedy in the gulf between children and their Nparents, but
I did find by the end of her life that compassion for her vulnerability
healed my broken heart. Being able to feel pity for the way she was,
and stop blaming her for it, enabled me to remain spiritually alive.

I still go numb sometimes especially with fatigue...but the creative
soul is still in there.

I hope your soul finds beauty and rest, even if not in your mother's arms,
Boat.

love
Hops

Ales2:
Wow Garbanzo and Hops I could have written both your posts about NMom visits.

Mine now does the "ambush visit". She lives 120 miles away and so she drives here to see me and then calls from about 10 mins away and wants to "drop in". She knows if she asked for a planned visit and the answer would be NO. She did this about a week and half ago. Tried to spy on whether I am working or not, bringing a box of hand-me-down goodies. None of which I wanted or needed. If I would not have been home, she would simply have left the box. This is a ploy to be "nice" to get me to visit for Xmas.

Content of the visit is simply filler - I talk about my dumb cats, we watch you tube videos, about cats and I talk weather, politics, all superficial stuff. We cant have a real conversation about anything that matters without it escalating into a an argument. She has no real concern about my situation at all, she simply wants the attention and to be thought of a good mother.  She completely undermines my growth, she knows that there is no attachment for me there and I want my own life.

Twoapenny:

--- Quote from: Garbanzo on December 08, 2014, 01:59:59 AM ---Too tired to have a voice

exasperated

feeling like the voice is impotent, stories are pointless

too old for anything to matter

nobody is listening

These things, if it makes any sense. Sometimes I feel like I had or have something inside of me, something to say but then I am always too tired to say it.

There is nobody to say it to. It doesn't make sense when it comes out. It isn't said quite right.

Every major life event or circumstance is summed up into an "oh well"    it's kind of sad I guess, if I were to care it would be sad


--- End quote ---

Hi G,

I have felt like that over the years.  For me it seems to come and go in waves - sometimes I feel positive about working on myself, moving forward, improving my life, and at other times I just feel like what's the use, no-one cares anyway, no-one even notices.  But eventually that goes away and I feel like working on myself again.  So I think my advice would be if you're in a lull, try not to worry about it too much.  It might just be that you need to recharge your batteries a bit and eventually you'll feel like picking it up and 'speaking' again, whether it's on paper or with another person, or just within yourself.  I think we often underestimate how draining all this emotional stuff can be, and sometimes I've found that I don't start to live through really tough stuff until years later, when life is a bit more comfortable (ie,we have regular money coming in, somewhere to live, food on the table and so on).  And then that numbness and oh why do I bother starts to come out, but eventually it's done and things shift again.

Re meeting up with your mum  - I am finding more and more these days that I don't want to waste the little bit of time and energy I do get on people who are draining.  Life's too short. xx

Meh:
Yah, I read what you guys wrote.

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