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Rejection and Self-Esteem

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sunblue:
Hello Everyone and Happy 2015!

I've been away for awhile dealing with a year of losses.  I lost my dad and two family friends, I lost my job and lost a friendship I thought I had.  I'm coming closer to acceptance and understanding now that my dad has passed...but it doesn't make the reality any easier.  Perhaps because I have a Narcissistic mother and sister and had a wonderfully sweet, but totally co-dependent, dad that I have always deeply felt rejection.  In fact, I could make a good case for changing my middle name to "rejected"!  :wink:

I'm dealing with a situation now that I'm having trouble with and I know it has something to do with my lack of self-esteem.  Perhaps some of you can identify or offer insight. 

About 9 months ago, I reconnected via social media with a guy (single) I had gone to school with and whom I briefly dated.  Although I hadn't seem him in person in many years, we kept in touch with the occasional email or post.  I had always considered him a friend.  He prefers to text so we had texted consistently through the last 9 months and talked of getting together.  We finally met for drinks back in early October.  We talked for about 5 hours that night and had a nice time.  We continued to text and he asked to get together again.  I agreed and I met him at his place where we talked some more.  Things heated up that night but I stopped him (i.e., no sex) before it went too far.  I felt it was too soon and I told him so.  After that evening, he stopped texting (except very vague replies to a couple of texts I initiated) and now communication has stopped completely.

Intellectually, I know this guy is probably not a great guy.  I think his behavior probably points to that.  Some examples: He refused to have a phone conversation with me. He was non-specific when we tried to get together (so I never knew if we had firm plans to meet or not).  He never asked me anything about me or expressed an interest in my life. (When I questioned him, he said he figured anything I wanted him to know I would tell him).  He had little memory of the times we had spent together years ago (including dates). He refused to read any text from me that was longer than a sentence or two and was fairly rude after the last time we met and I tried to communicate with him. He didn't acknowledge my birthday (even via social media which he constantly uses).   Anyway, you get the idea.

So for now, I have ceased trying to get him to respond to me.  Yet, I can't get this out of my head.  I'm really hurt and feel rejected because now I realize there is no way we can ever be friends again because of how he chose to respond and interact with me.  I really wasn't looking for anything more than friendship from him (although that would have been a bonus).  I know he was probably not interested in me or attracted to me.  (Through his texts, I understood he had been with a lot of women and was very much interested in sex.)

So now I feel like a real loser.  I've been rejected lots of times before (most notably my family, of course) but I feel very lonely and this has taken a hit on my self-esteem which was never good to begin with.  I wonder why I'm taking this so hard and having trouble processing it?  I know that if I presented these facts to most single women, they would think I probably dodged a bullet......but I still feel sad, rejected and hurt that after the last 9 months, he would just stop all communications altogether.

I'm wondering if this is so heightened for me because I've been rejected all my life from my family and because all of the losses I have?  I'm tempted to ask him what happened and why he won't respond to me....but I think that might make me look even worse and he'd probably ignore it anyway.  I can't seem to let go of this hurt and rejection.

I think, on some level, I also feel lonely because there some days his texts were the only communication I had with anyone and this past year has been so, so difficult.

So am I thinking about this wrong?  Is it normal to feel this way about this rejection?  Why can't I let go of this?  Anyone have any insights?

Hopalong:
I think you've read him, and yourself, exactly spot-on right, SunBlue.
And I agree -- the recovery from rejection (even when you know you got lucky when a user drifts away) is more painful to children with an Nparent/Nsibiling. But that doesn't mean it's impossible and it doesn't mean we're doomed to spend our lives reverberating. We really CAN heal.

You have read it all very intelligently, imo. Your mind understands it all very clearly. I think you comprehend him exactly right--yourself, too.
It's a disappointment and your emotions are recycling old wounds. I think there are really helpful things to do until the hurt passes (which it WILL):

--Get off the internet and texting WHILE COMMITTING TO meet people in activities in real life.
Find something to do, volunteer, class, art lesson -- and make a six-month commitment to do it once a week.
Find some from of community or support group -- and make a six-month commitment to do it once a week.

--If doc okays, increase whatever form of exercise you do until you're doing twice as much within six months.
Keep a paper-based exercise journal and be sure it's gradual so you don't hurt yourself.
If you're sedentary, start walking 10 minutes a day. Increase 5 minutes per week to reach up to 1 hour.
If you're already active, up the intensity in small-step intervals. (Listen to your body and don't hurt yourself.)
[This is to make you both feel strong--increases emotional balance, relieves depression as well as medication,
the research says--and tired (aids healthful sleep)].

--Crank up your nutrition so you eat powerfully nutritious food and nourish yourself amazingly well.

--Find something you have a SHRED of recurring interest in (cooking, art, a cause, gardening) and make
some gesture to incorporating it into your life in a way that means you spend time with it weekly.

All I got but I hope it helps, Sun. He is well gone and I'm sorry. But I understand how loneliness leads
to denial, sometimes. I'm extra impressed that you are NOT denying what actually happened. You saw
that his character wasn't what you were hoping for, and you really did dodge much worse pain. Whew!

Hops

Twoapenny:
I can completely indentify with everything you wrote, Sunblue, and I have spent decades in relationships, of all kinds, where I have ended up feeling totally dejected and unwanted.

With me, I think I grew up being (a) completely compliant and (b) not having any needs or desires of my own.  So in virtually all of my relationships, male and female, work and personal, I gave and gave, never even thought about what I wanted or needed and then found that the person in question would simply discard me when I was no longer useful.  I've had to really work at figuring out what I want from relationships and then work at being brave enough to ask for it.

I lost most of the people I knew by either saying no to them or asking them to do something for me.  Virtually all of my friendships worked on the principal of me giving and them taking.  It sounds like your relationship with that man was like that.  The rejection and the loneliness have been so hard to manage and the last two years have been, I think, the loneliest of my life.  But - I really want to have healthy, vibrant relationships that are equal and loving and make me feel good about myself so I've kept working on me and very, very gradually, a small pool of good friends are starting to make themselves apparent and maybe at some point a nice man will come along, too.

So I think what you are feeling is very, very normal and a good sign - I think these situations come along to show us where we can change and make us think about what we want.  Hopsie's advice is excellent, as always, work on you, focus on you (very hard when you're used to thinking about everyone else all the time!).  And work on what you want to make you happy, rather than what makes other people happy.

sunblue:
Thank You Hopalong and Twoapenny! I know you are right; it's just sometimes hard to face another disappointment and loss. It is just so disappointing that because of his behavior a platonic friendship can never be; indeed, any conversation is very unlikely.

Hopalong:

You put together a very good list. I have begun an exercise program at a gym with a trainer (in part to force myself out of the house and in part to help with a leg injury). With any luck, I'll also drop some of those unneeded pounds! I'm also logging what I eat daily to try and help with nutrition.

A small start but at least it's something. I also am focused on finding a job (sigh...again) due to my getting laid off in a group downsizing.

Twoapenny:

I can SO identify with your comments. I have had very similar experiences. Always giving to others in relationships, always giving in to their wishes--yet getting nothing in return. I think one single true blue friend that you can count on is better than a bunch of one-sided relationships. Easier said than done but still better in the long run.

Sometimes fear of being rejected or abandoned because of our exposure to narcissistic people keeps us from building healthy two-way relationships. It can be done but just takes a little more conscious effort for the Voiceless.

Thanks again to you both for your replies. It really means a lot that you took the time to respond.

Hopalong:
You're welcome, Sunblue.

I've had to train myself over and over to think, reciprocity reciprocity reciprocity...
as I enter/evaluate relationships.

Not 50-50 of course, that's stupid, but if it gets too far past about 60-40 that's a red flag
for me (either about my own behavior--how I'm feeling and what message I'm telegraphing
about my worth; or about the other person's behavior). Also, after way way too many
cycles of this experience, I also realized that when I finally DID figure out that I was
subsisting on a self-created fantasy and there was no "there" there...I would be quite
angry with the other person and judge them down to their toenails. It was a way of
defending myself from the hurt but it came too late.

I almost feel as though for me, getting to a place where "grieve and let go FASTER"
was a huge accomplishment. Sounds pathetic but I think children of Ns sometimes
have to measure progress in inches, while determinedly not comparing ourselves too
harshly to the long-jumpers of life.

So bravo on the exercise and nutrition! Did any of those other, interactive ideas
appeal?

xo
Hops

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