I know the narcissist so well but who am I after the battle has stopped waging?

[sea storm]

It took years to even begin to understand the depth of the lies, the gaslighting, fraud and the complete lack of conscience in the man that I loved to the point of self destruction. A lot of small acts were fast as lightning or my brain was not wired to grasp the slight of hand and the mean spirit behind it. It is hard to understand someone who operates on accumulating power  while masquerading as a warm and good person.
Thank goodness there is so much more written about narcissists and their close cousins, psychopaths. When I first started coming to this place I was clinging on for dear life and your stories and insights kept me going.
I felt like I had been in the equivalent to an emotional avalanche, alien abduction, or soul murder. Of course that sounds melodramatic but if you have experienced this kind of trauma you know that you barely get out alive and that is worth something.

Finding out what had happened and naming it was very helpful. Studying how it happens was another part. It was not a short journey and continues to come out of the dark like a long whip and beat me to the ground still. Not as often. I am left with major sleep disturbances, lack of trust in others and most serious my lack of trust in myself. Along with this lack of trust in people which seems predictable and understandable, I have seething resentment towards my ex mixed with blissful memories . I have thoughts that seem obsessive and that drift into my head while I garden, hold my baby grandson, read a good book .... anything. My mind is still trying to order the chaos I think. Ptsd. Seven years later I still untangle his schemes and the tricks and lies he played on others. He was so lovely but if he had and opportunity and thought no one would know he was capable of horrible things. Sleeping with his next wife's daughter was a good example. It was only a miracle that I found her porn pictures on his computer. Might as well have dropped a piano on me. That is a bit funny about the piano and indicates some perspective. Like the old game Tetris parts fall into place. Insurance schemes with his buddy where he obviously arranged a scam. At the time it did not compute. So I wonder about myself and my boneheaded denial. I was sooooo desperate for his love and to keep the myth of our happy family that I saw nothing wrong. That is why I don't trust myself. I am ashamed that I was so dense and lost. I am sure it hurt my daughter and my sister. Anyone who I was close to got ruined too.
The money I gave him could have helped my daughter with university and fertility treatments. i could have kept my house.

A vampires's victim is pretty useless after a few sessions with her master. She gets weak and loses her marbles. It is pretty lucky to survive one of these people. In my case there were a few. One gets more likely to be targeted after once being a victim.

The next step for me was to realize that I was poisoning myself with resentment, holding a grudge and making curses. Driving an hour and a half to Nanaimo, I would spend the whole time in an alternate universe talking to him and to the uiniverse and seething with resentment. I am sure that contributed to my getting sick mentally and physically.At this point I am so tired of giving him so much power. Way more power to destroy me than the power I give myself to heal. To live and have some happiness.
There has been a shift toward wanting my power back. I question why I gave it away too often and to too many people. I was always afraid of losing people and being alone.  So I just let it happen. I did not have a firm foundation.
I am definitely not saying that I asked for it  but I did not walk away when I knew it was wrong, messy, hurtful. I still believe that loving a narcissist is a kind of soul murder and the target has no more chance than a lamb against a tiger.

So I am letting my resentments go. I pray about it and I try buddhist meditation and I do a twelve step program.
I know that I did not have a good sense of self esteem and no real firm foundation to stand and so I stood on his and reveled in his self esteem. I padded after him like an excited puppy for Pets's sake. There was plenty that was exciting and memorable.
Just such a waste of life though.

Lots of love to you all

|Sea Storm

[Gaining Strength]

Sea Storm - such a powerful post. You write so concisely, like poetry.

I am especially drawn to your point of being afraid of losing people and being alone. Our greatest fear as humans, the chink in our armor that narcissists exploit and loving people bind to. My need to be loved, to belong kept me bound until I was in many ways destroyed. But the other most damaging consequence was the festering resentment. Needing to belong can bring us life abundant or pain. Resentment  only brings pain. 

[sea storm]

Thanks Gaining Strength for your post. Seems like I just spill my guts and it does not feel like poetry. More like a dirge. Must say a good dirge is not bad at times.
This terror at losing people, even ones who are becoming sadistic and destructive is so important.
It seems it can happen to anyone, no matter how educated, tough, smart, funny, intelligent... there is no protection once targeted.
I have only recently realized the extent of my resentments. Not only to him but to lots of others too. Oddly enough I thought he was a superduper guy, outstanding in many ways. My own grandiosity fed into his. Kind of disgusting.
It has taken at least a year to get it that resentments are not like good clean anger. Seething judgement and uttering curses will not free me. They kind of helped though at the time. 
Resentments only cause pain.

Can you tell me what you know about this? And how to transform it? The Buddhist's say to pray for the person you resent. This takes a lot of time usually. It is better to do this than to simmer in the soup of regret, rage, disappointment and betrayal. When I can hold onto praying in this way I think it helps. At least I see how hard it is for me to have a healthy perspective.Believe me, I have been so lost in pain for so many years that I need to do things differently.

Sea storm

[Hopalong]

Ahh, Sea. I'm so glad you wrote about this here. (Plus, I've missed you.)

I'd just like to offer you the idea that you not resent yourself for feeling resentful. Like, you're
supposed to be some perfectly resolved and all-smoothed-out human being? Pah.
For all those sins of commission or omission you list, everyone who's ever been in an Ns web
knows the feeling. And even for folks who have been bashed around in life (including letting
down those they love at times)...anyone, anyone at all can have a litany of self-reproach and
resentment. Doesn't have to come from Ns. Could come from toxic religion, nasty relatives,
bad luck and pain, economics.

It's okay. Maybe even the resentment has just been a VOICE that has needed to repeat and
repeat until you get it, get sick of it, and get free from it. I think ultimately, the litany becomes
boring. When you actually get bored with it, it begins to wander off, to pester some other
spot in the universe. But resentment is human and doesn't make you lesser.

I understand it a lot. I felt toxic with my resentment of my Nmother for a very long time, and
it was only her own old age that released me from it. I finally saw how damaged she was (and
learned from a cousin about her father, so I realized...very late in her life...why). And as
her power over me waned, my ability to move on from my resentment became stronger.

And guess what? During my Nmom's waning years I went out and found myself the N-est
boss I've ever had. I honed my resentment of him (he reminded me of her in ways)
to a razor's edge. I grew toxic with it. I hated him at times. But...after a while, with the
buffer of some new colleagues who saw him clearly--even that has eased. He can piss
me off, and will, but mostly, I recognize that same core hollowness. His deviousness and
hypocrisy grate on me, but no longer day to day.

When I am feeling strong in myself, I feel sorry for him. Not "hooked" sorry -- I have
no desire to enmesh or fix him. But compassion. He's broken. I sense his lostness. And,
he can't hurt me any more.

Where you are so powerful, imo, is that you know how to describe, and name, and
narrate who you are and what you feel as you move through chapters in your life.
By its very nature, telling a story changes the teller. The story becomes part of all
our stories. As the teller, you allow it to pass through and be transformed.

I'm not worried you're stuck. You're so not stuck. And while he fascinated you for
a long long time...your life isn't over. (And everybody else here knows that N-spell--
I have never been so dazzled as by the charming, electric Ns in my life. But, buh-bye.)

It's wonderful that you are intentionally doing so many RIGHT THINGS to continue
to heal yourself. I have total faith that they'll be fruitful.

The survivor's trauma? Melodramatic? I think soul murder is a fine term. I don't think
there's any way to exaggerate the impact of that kind of moral distortion on innocent
and loving bystanders. However, unlike the murder of a body...the soul can't be killed.
Yours is coming back to life.

Trust it.

love to you,
Hops

[sea storm]

Hops

I thought I might get a gentle melody of encouragement but you gave me Beethoven's Fifth. You make me want to happy dance around the room.

I miss you too.

Love
Sea storm

[sea storm]

That is so true that i resent mysself for not being stronger, more free, more dashing, capable and a love magnet for all. I could go on and on. This is why I need a friend and why we all need friends. Things just go haywire without a good, gentle wise friend

[sea storm]

Thanks for replying. You mean you finally just snapped out of it?????? That is some kind of miracle because one loses their resiliency in a crazy relationship with a narcissist. I mean that being manipulated and used kind of freeze dries the brain rendering it less capable of making good, self saving decisions.
I think that Voicelessness is a treasure and their are strong signals here and people making them who are finding their way out of the conditioning and soul murder. In the olden days one just rode off a cliff or put rocks in their pockets and no  wonder! Recovering from trauma is a difficult journey.
What you say about the dichotomy of surviving a physical trauma versus the survival of a psychological trauma is sooooooooo true. I guess we are in the infancy of discovering how to re invent ourselves and having to find the way.
I have read so much about it all and done a lot of work on family of origin, you name it I tried it.

I kind of miss the stories of the survivors who are just emerging from fresh trauma. The good part about this is that those who  wrote into Voicelessness gradually calmed down and felt supported and not so terribly alone. I mean that is how I felt. God knows that it was definately like surviving the sinking of the Titanic. Takes all resources plus more.

A friend of mine died last week and it has thrown me back to a dark, sad, fearful place. I know enough to just ride with it and I have faith I will survive. Meanwhile the rest of the world is very busy and accomplishing lots, making appointments, arranging to climb higher up the imaginary ladder but I am just off the ladder for now and probably for a while. She was a workaholic who burned out and got kicked out of the hospital system. I went to several human resources meeting with her but they were just feeding her a line of bs. She kept jusmping through ridiculous hoops that required a lot of time and work. As an outsider who was peculiarly suited to help her speak up and not get flattened, I saw that they were throwing straw to a drowning person. She was a person from the sinking of the Titanic. She wanted to keep her status as a nurse. They were throwing straw to a drowning person.

Then she got cancer. All this makes me feel sad.   I can see the meeting and the professionals enjoying their power over her and they were NEVER going to let her go back to her job but they just played cat and mouse with her.  I guess that is why it bugs me. I would like to expose them as frauds and the system as rotten but it is so hugely bigger than me or anyone. All I can say is that I am sorry that she did not prefer being a bag lady or selling doughnuts at Tim Hortons to staying in that monolithic bureaucracy.
There are lots of narcissists around and they love to work their way into power over others. At least I can recognize the game and not feel like a frog being boiled slowly.

Lately, I have been just giving up and freefalling. Is there a name for the group who were not on the Titanic but survived something awful?  I think there could be a good group there.

I watched the movie Americal Sniper and saw clearly how a person can be taken apart and how difficult it is to rebuild. I think it was a bit of a fairytale in that it is not as easy as helping others. But how brainless and heartless it is to expect people to go to war and come back without terrible, debilitating psychological wounds?


waving the flag of peace

Sea

[ann3]

Seastorm, this discussion really resonates with me. 
“My mind is still trying to order the chaos …….God knows that it was definately like surviving the sinking of the Titanic. Takes all resources plus more”.
Yes, absolutely.

I remember your story.  You really went thru the wringer, but you are describing it so poetically and clearly, that I think you have come out the other side.  You sound good.  No doubt, there's wear and tear, which one would expect a Titanic survivor to have, but your voice is clear and strong.

My condolences on your friend.  “they were throwing straw to a drowning person”:  wow, what an image! So sad.  I can see how witnessing that, plus her death, could re-trigger the N wound.  This makes me wonder:  Is the N wound always there, but sometimes goes dormant and other times, gets reactivated?

But, then I read what teartracks wrote about waking up one morning and finding that “it’s shelf life had expired”!  Another great image!  And the 15 year miracle!  I agree about the cyclic rhythm of our lives. 
Teartracks, you give me a lot of hope that one day, the N wound will, poof!, disappear.

[sea storm]

Such a relief to hear your thoughts and feel your compassion. I feel like a leper when I am this sad and frozen. For days I just didn't want to get out of bed. i just think all this rushing around justifying my existence is useless. I don't know if I am coming to my senses or losing them. As I don't have a thick layer of protection and feel vulnerable a lot and can't face the world. The old intrusive thoughts are back and for some reason in my dreams I am in a state of perfect love with my ex. I am blessing him. My dreams are reminding me of why I loved my first husband, the cocaine dealer, and then Edward who died of Porphyria.

Today I washed my hair for the first time in eight days. I had a shower and did the dishes. I phoned up a woman who just happened to tell me about her job working for social services in the child apprehension department. Now theres the Titanic for sure. Some angels work there and not get caught up in the drama and horror of it and stay focused on the needs of the children. But that is a very steep slope to climb with many ice patches and no ssfety net. I seem particularly suited to helping her because I went through it too. She is just soldiering on with courage and heart but she looks so tired and worn out. I feel the need to help someone else to get out of my free fall into self absorption. Maybe I will stop thinking about my ex. Its been over two years since he died in the arms of his new true love.

I hope I am a good friend. Seems I am only capable of being a good friend and fully present when I am not going bonkers. I live in a small town and you kind of take it where you can get it. There needs to be some change both inner and outer.

Oh yes, my sister has bi polar disorder and she does not take medication. This is more spectacular than a Barnum and Bayley Circus. I invited her for Christmas and she had a meltdown. I feel responsible because I could not take it. She starts going on about how evil I am. It is a torment to me. I am not talking to her since Christmas when I told her to get out of my house. I feel so angry that she loves her highs more than anything.  She has no insight into how it affects her loved ones ie me. So ok go your merry way and don't take anything so low and common as medication but I am not going to be there for the circus. I think I am part of the problem anyway. Rather than cause a big fight, I go along with her delusions. I go along with her rages against innocent people, I go along with her grandiosity. I am actually very close to her but the damage has been done and I can't go back. I realize that she is sick but it is way too big for me.

Thanks for your kind hearts

\love
Sea storm

[sKePTiKal]

Hi Seastorm... it's me, the old PR.

I "believe" - all evidence point to it anyway - that I have come out "the other side" too. But, it is still true that I deal with my experience every day, too. It's not an "or" equation; it's an "and". Life still has it's challenges - even new ones - and there isn't any rose-colored "happy place" that never ends after "coming through". There are however, lots more of those rose-colored, spectacularly beautiful "moments" -- moments that add up and fill whatever holes we still carry around inside. Shoot, I find I can even create some of those now instead of expecting it to "just happen" or rely on others to supply that.

What I believe - now - is that our struggles and experiences are very valuable and rare life lessons. We know what's important and what's not. We have learned how to stand apart from the dramas all around us and cut to the chase. We've stopped expecting full, complete and perfect resolution to who we've become - by way of our difficulties - and can appreciate the Rumpelstiltskin trick: turning straw into gold. What we previously saw as our ugly places, the weaknesses, what we were told was wrong with us... are now "beauty marks"... refined into characteristics that are as strong as spun silk, or stainless steel woven with titanium and reflect the light back out into the world with the freshness of a partially opened flower blossom.

We are who we are - because of what we've lived through and come to terms with - forged in the fire of life, quenched in pure light-sparkled waters, and stronger because of it. Many don't make it. Many don't even START the process. And we can't save them all. That's not a failure on our part either.

To everything there is a season.

Never EVER underestimate the power of small, insignificant, random acts of kindness.

[sea storm]

I am glad i wrote what happened because i moved along, stopped crying and got out of bed. Plunged into work and overdid it. I am kind of sick of Japanese antique and definately finished with Chinese antiques and the  honeymoon is over and it is work. i saw some clients and they were ... one couple who were tatoo artists and grew pot for medical purposes. I think he might be seriously dangerous. These are not the worried well  Such an ethical dilemma, both were highly intelligent but also criminally oriented.  I took it for a sign to stop counseling and just help people who come along for free.  The store is enough work and I am more focused on buddhism and writing.  I am constructing a book in my head that is a series of stories or snapshots of the past.  As my store winds down or does whatever it will do, I want to write more. I am able to do this as I am not going completely crazy anymore. I can be alone and enjoy it.

I have been noticing how often thoughts of my narcissists come into my head. I now treat them like they are an invasion by satan.  By that I mean unwanted, selfdestructive, implanted during mind washing. This is a long way from the early days when life was unbearable. This sounds dramatic but if you have been there you know what I mean and if you haven't then it must seem like a self absorbed person's over active imagination. This is the beauty of this board. What a life saver. One thing I learned hear is that we are not here to be happy. We are here to love and help each other and be teachable.  Your voices come through so strong and helped me when I was very wounded.

It would be good to know how everyone is doing. Even though I don't come here often  I still love it. That sounds insincere. I will come here more often again.

Sea

[Hopalong]

I'm so glad you let the grief roar and then let it pass, too, Sea.
You sound clear.

I feel the same way about unbidden repetitive thoughts about Ns.
I have that struggle about thinking about my boss and having the Same Old Rant about sexism and unequal pay go through my head with heat/pain several times a week. Given that I have to work there at least until age 70 (if not 80) I need to find ways to accept my devaluing and continue anyway. Hard. The young man I like is eventually taking over as CEO but I'm not sure he'll go to bat for me, and I've lost so many years of compound interest it may not help much if he does increase my salary. Oh well.

I care about you and am THRILLED that you are prioritizing writing. You are a really really good writer. (Going to or forming a writing support group is something I'm yearning to do but haven't yet.) I can recommend something to you if you're curious--an ONLINE group with Cary Tennis, whose approach I really admire. Visit www.carytennis.com to see how they work. They're cheap and fun.

love to you
Hops

[sea storm]

I dont know how you stand your boss.  Creepy narcissists are excellent teachers on the hard path of life and I am sure you are earning merit in your next life for having patience and keeping the peace. However, if you come across a tea towel at work it would be a good idea to keep it in your desk drower so you can occasionally tear it to shreds with your teeth.  Also imagine me as a friendly monkey on your shoulder listening to his inane take on things and laughing my head off.  It is so important to have a real or imaginary ally (spelling)


Also thanks for your encouragement about writing. Last night I was reading quotes from writers I admire. John Lennon said that he kept pieces of paper stuffed in his pockets and would write about what came to him nearly every day. I think you are a very gifted writer and hope you write something from your heart and soul and the muse.  Even though some of it may be a dirge from the past that we must pull like a heavy tow behind us .... Your voice rings like a bell. I am not kidding.

i know that work sucks the the life out of you but it sounds like you are taking care of yourself these days. i am relieved and happy. I struggle not to engage in rescuing my loved ones and am getting better at it. I am not sure but I think the rescuer is often as sick as the person she is rescuing but oblivious to that.

Imagine saying
Oh my darling daughter I have complete faith that you can solve your problems one step at time.  I am practicing that between episodes a gnashing my teeth and wanting to walk across Canada to help her. 

I am not exactly prioritizing writing.  that is a brilliant idea though.


Lots of love

Sea storm

[Hopalong]

Oh how I'd love to say that to her, Sea!
But I am not welcome to contact her or speak to her in any form.

Inside, though, that's a perfect summary.

I am doing way better. Moving on. Ready for spring.

I had a break the last two days...llittle business trip that I managed to work around visits to two old friends. That rebalanced me in a lovely way, plus the sun was out today and I got to drive the fancy rental car back down gorgeous roads home.

Happy today! Picked up my little pooch from the kennel and went to the outdoor promenadey area of town and had a beer with a third friend.

So right now I'm feeling grateful and good. HOO- AAHH!

xo
Hops

[sea storm]

you are awesome!

Sea