Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Pondering
ann3:
Hi Twoapenny,
I've struggled with perfectionism. My T pointed out that perfectionism can cause anxiety.
Eventually, I found a book that enabled me to be more comfortable with my imperfectionism:
The Art of Extreme Self-care: Transform Your Life One Month at a Time by Cheryl Richardson.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Art-Extreme-Self-care-Transform-Paperback/dp/B00FBBG7AU/ref=sr_1_2/276-2369212-6500063?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1423191803&sr=1-2&keywords=The+Art+of+Extreme+Self-Care%3A+Transform+Your+Life+One+Month+at+a+Time
There's a chapter in there called "Let Me Disappoint You" which helped me.
Here's an excerpt:
http://www.cherylrichardson.com/newsletters/let-me-disappoint-you-the-art-of-extreme-self-care/
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: ann3 on February 05, 2015, 10:29:05 PM ---Hi Twoapenny,
I've struggled with perfectionism. My T pointed out that perfectionism can cause anxiety.
Eventually, I found a book that enabled me to be more comfortable with my imperfectionism:
The Art of Extreme Self-care: Transform Your Life One Month at a Time by Cheryl Richardson.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Art-Extreme-Self-care-Transform-Paperback/dp/B00FBBG7AU/ref=sr_1_2/276-2369212-6500063?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1423191803&sr=1-2&keywords=The+Art+of+Extreme+Self-Care%3A+Transform+Your+Life+One+Month+at+a+Time
There's a chapter in there called "Let Me Disappoint You" which helped me.
Here's an excerpt:
http://www.cherylrichardson.com/newsletters/let-me-disappoint-you-the-art-of-extreme-self-care/
--- End quote ---
That looks like a handy book to have at the minute, Ann, thank you, I shall order a copy today :)
BonesMS:
--- Quote from: Twoapenny on February 05, 2015, 11:38:42 AM ---
--- Quote from: BonesMS on February 05, 2015, 05:55:56 AM ---
--- Quote from: Twoapenny on February 04, 2015, 06:07:28 PM ---Hello All,
This might be a bit jumbled as I'm thinking things through and my head's a bit messy! But I'd love to know your thoughts on this (if it makes any sense!).
I've recently started counselling again - second session tonight - and it's occured to me that I might be (a) addicted to counselling, (b) questing for perfection (ie a perfectly balanced individual with never a thought or an emotion out of place or (c) endlessly hunting for something that isn't there - ie a life that doesn't include all the crappy stuff that's happened in the past and the crappy feelings that I have to cope with now - or maybe a bit of all of them. I came out feeling disillusioned and I'm wondering if I'm just going at this wrong now. I understand all the dysfunctional stuff on an intellectual level and I am living a much healthier life in the sense I don't abuse drink or drugs anymore, I don't date bad boys, I'm not in co-dependent relationships like I used to be and so on. Despite all of that I do still feel crappy a lot of the time; my emotions whirl, I feel some degree of anxiety pretty much constantly, I over think things and rarely feel happy, content or relaxed. And I think that stops me doing a lot of things because I feel I ought to wait until I feel 'better'. But tonight I thought what if I never feel better? What if it's like having a bad back or suffering from migraines or one leg shorter than the other - an emotional disability rather than a physical one? Perhaps I need to just start doing stuff even though I'm not good at it? Dating, for example. The thought of a relationship terrifies me because I'm so imperfect. But maybe I could go on a date even though I'm a bit messed up? Maybe he won't notice? Maybe he won't mind either way? I've not thought of things like that before. I suppose I'm just wondering if I should stop talking about things and looking for solutions and just wander about imperfectly, doing what I fancy and just putting up with the fact it makes me feel bad even though it's what I want to do? Just ignore it, the way you might ignore your back pain if you really want to go to that concert or you'll do something knowing you'll ache tomorrow but feeling it's worth the pay off?
Does any of that resonate at all with anyone else? :)
--- End quote ---
I can identify ((((Tupp))))). For what it's worth, for myself, I decided not to attempt dating for awhile as I seem to attract dysfunctional A$$hole$ who refuse to see me as human. It's similar to being newly clean and sober where Newbies are advised by Sponsors not to get involved in relationships during the first year of sobriety. It takes a while for the brain cells to recover and reassemble themselves into a coherently functioning, if not functional, unit. One day at a time. I do have a question...is the counselor attempting to impose her/his "fix" on you instead of working WITH you as a Team Member? (I'll explain where my question comes from later.)
--- End quote ---
Hiya Bonesie,
Yes, I completely agree with the attracting aholes thing! I've not dated for six years now because of that - always seemed to end up with the same kind of person even though they seemed different to start with. So stopped completely and haven't started again partly because I have still felt 'imperfect'. But now wondering if I should/could just go for a drink or a coffee with someone deal with it as I go along.
And how funny, Bones, are you psychic??!! Yes, I do feel the T is offering advice that is (a) unsolicited and (b) doesn't suit my situation. She said twice last night that she thinks I should go to the doctor and get medication for my anxiety. There are a number of reasons that I don't feel this is appropriate for me at the minute and I was a bit shocked, I've never spoken to a counsellor who's ventured into the medication area before (the two good T's in my life never really mentioned meds they were more interested in talking things through). She also said she thought I should talk things over with my mum! Which is a bit like suggesting someone goes swimming with a hungry shark. I was quite uncomfortable with that. So I'm feeling now like I'm done talking about things. I'm not sure how much of how I feel it changes? I can see the changes in my head but I don't think it makes the bad/sad feelings go away?
Anyway, ponder, ponder, ponder! Thank you. Hope you are doing okay xx
--- End quote ---
Thanks, (((((((Tupp)))))
LOL!!!!! I've never thought of myself as "psychic". I've been called "psycho" by N's when I've said NO to their demands! It sounds like this therapist is NOT listening and NOT HEARING you as she is more focused on forcing HER FIXES on you. I've dealt with a psychiatrist who attempted that and had to terminate him, especially when he attempted to destroy my sobriety while claiming he "could control my addictions FOR me". I DON'T THINK SO!!!! There were boundaries being violated all over the place and I finally got fed up with my voice being ignored while he attempted to force his manipulations on me.
Going out for coffee, occasionally, sounds like a safe thing to do, while taking things slow. It would give you time to size up the other person and see where there real motives are. When you have to say "No" to something, observe how they react. I've noticed that N's HATE the word "no".
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: BonesMS on February 06, 2015, 08:11:11 AM ---
--- Quote from: Twoapenny on February 05, 2015, 11:38:42 AM ---
--- Quote from: BonesMS on February 05, 2015, 05:55:56 AM ---
--- Quote from: Twoapenny on February 04, 2015, 06:07:28 PM ---Hello All,
This might be a bit jumbled as I'm thinking things through and my head's a bit messy! But I'd love to know your thoughts on this (if it makes any sense!).
I've recently started counselling again - second session tonight - and it's occured to me that I might be (a) addicted to counselling, (b) questing for perfection (ie a perfectly balanced individual with never a thought or an emotion out of place or (c) endlessly hunting for something that isn't there - ie a life that doesn't include all the crappy stuff that's happened in the past and the crappy feelings that I have to cope with now - or maybe a bit of all of them. I came out feeling disillusioned and I'm wondering if I'm just going at this wrong now. I understand all the dysfunctional stuff on an intellectual level and I am living a much healthier life in the sense I don't abuse drink or drugs anymore, I don't date bad boys, I'm not in co-dependent relationships like I used to be and so on. Despite all of that I do still feel crappy a lot of the time; my emotions whirl, I feel some degree of anxiety pretty much constantly, I over think things and rarely feel happy, content or relaxed. And I think that stops me doing a lot of things because I feel I ought to wait until I feel 'better'. But tonight I thought what if I never feel better? What if it's like having a bad back or suffering from migraines or one leg shorter than the other - an emotional disability rather than a physical one? Perhaps I need to just start doing stuff even though I'm not good at it? Dating, for example. The thought of a relationship terrifies me because I'm so imperfect. But maybe I could go on a date even though I'm a bit messed up? Maybe he won't notice? Maybe he won't mind either way? I've not thought of things like that before. I suppose I'm just wondering if I should stop talking about things and looking for solutions and just wander about imperfectly, doing what I fancy and just putting up with the fact it makes me feel bad even though it's what I want to do? Just ignore it, the way you might ignore your back pain if you really want to go to that concert or you'll do something knowing you'll ache tomorrow but feeling it's worth the pay off?
Does any of that resonate at all with anyone else? :)
--- End quote ---
I can identify ((((Tupp))))). For what it's worth, for myself, I decided not to attempt dating for awhile as I seem to attract dysfunctional A$$hole$ who refuse to see me as human. It's similar to being newly clean and sober where Newbies are advised by Sponsors not to get involved in relationships during the first year of sobriety. It takes a while for the brain cells to recover and reassemble themselves into a coherently functioning, if not functional, unit. One day at a time. I do have a question...is the counselor attempting to impose her/his "fix" on you instead of working WITH you as a Team Member? (I'll explain where my question comes from later.)
--- End quote ---
Hiya Bonesie,
Yes, I completely agree with the attracting aholes thing! I've not dated for six years now because of that - always seemed to end up with the same kind of person even though they seemed different to start with. So stopped completely and haven't started again partly because I have still felt 'imperfect'. But now wondering if I should/could just go for a drink or a coffee with someone deal with it as I go along.
And how funny, Bones, are you psychic??!! Yes, I do feel the T is offering advice that is (a) unsolicited and (b) doesn't suit my situation. She said twice last night that she thinks I should go to the doctor and get medication for my anxiety. There are a number of reasons that I don't feel this is appropriate for me at the minute and I was a bit shocked, I've never spoken to a counsellor who's ventured into the medication area before (the two good T's in my life never really mentioned meds they were more interested in talking things through). She also said she thought I should talk things over with my mum! Which is a bit like suggesting someone goes swimming with a hungry shark. I was quite uncomfortable with that. So I'm feeling now like I'm done talking about things. I'm not sure how much of how I feel it changes? I can see the changes in my head but I don't think it makes the bad/sad feelings go away?
Anyway, ponder, ponder, ponder! Thank you. Hope you are doing okay xx
--- End quote ---
Thanks, (((((((Tupp)))))
LOL!!!!! I've never thought of myself as "psychic". I've been called "psycho" by N's when I've said NO to their demands! It sounds like this therapist is NOT listening and NOT HEARING you as she is more focused on forcing HER FIXES on you. I've dealt with a psychiatrist who attempted that and had to terminate him, especially when he attempted to destroy my sobriety while claiming he "could control my addictions FOR me". I DON'T THINK SO!!!! There were boundaries being violated all over the place and I finally got fed up with my voice being ignored while he attempted to force his manipulations on me.
Going out for coffee, occasionally, sounds like a safe thing to do, while taking things slow. It would give you time to size up the other person and see where there real motives are. When you have to say "No" to something, observe how they react. I've noticed that N's HATE the word "no".
--- End quote ---
Hiya Bones,
Thanks for that :) I think I'm at a point now where I can pick up on things in other people and avoid them - a bit like an alcoholic getting to the point where they can go to a party and be alright about not having a drink. For example, I struggled to deal with some difficult women I was having to be around at a sports class my son goes to; was a bit hit and miss but I got through it and now keep them all at arm's length (and feel fine about doing so). It's all about learning new skills, isn't it?! That psychiatrist you mention sounds dangerous! Worrying how some people can be around vulnerable people really. Hope you are sleeping better :) xx
BonesMS:
--- Quote from: Twoapenny on February 06, 2015, 01:57:39 PM ---
--- Quote from: BonesMS on February 06, 2015, 08:11:11 AM ---
--- Quote from: Twoapenny on February 05, 2015, 11:38:42 AM ---
--- Quote from: BonesMS on February 05, 2015, 05:55:56 AM ---
--- Quote from: Twoapenny on February 04, 2015, 06:07:28 PM ---Hello All,
This might be a bit jumbled as I'm thinking things through and my head's a bit messy! But I'd love to know your thoughts on this (if it makes any sense!).
I've recently started counselling again - second session tonight - and it's occured to me that I might be (a) addicted to counselling, (b) questing for perfection (ie a perfectly balanced individual with never a thought or an emotion out of place or (c) endlessly hunting for something that isn't there - ie a life that doesn't include all the crappy stuff that's happened in the past and the crappy feelings that I have to cope with now - or maybe a bit of all of them. I came out feeling disillusioned and I'm wondering if I'm just going at this wrong now. I understand all the dysfunctional stuff on an intellectual level and I am living a much healthier life in the sense I don't abuse drink or drugs anymore, I don't date bad boys, I'm not in co-dependent relationships like I used to be and so on. Despite all of that I do still feel crappy a lot of the time; my emotions whirl, I feel some degree of anxiety pretty much constantly, I over think things and rarely feel happy, content or relaxed. And I think that stops me doing a lot of things because I feel I ought to wait until I feel 'better'. But tonight I thought what if I never feel better? What if it's like having a bad back or suffering from migraines or one leg shorter than the other - an emotional disability rather than a physical one? Perhaps I need to just start doing stuff even though I'm not good at it? Dating, for example. The thought of a relationship terrifies me because I'm so imperfect. But maybe I could go on a date even though I'm a bit messed up? Maybe he won't notice? Maybe he won't mind either way? I've not thought of things like that before. I suppose I'm just wondering if I should stop talking about things and looking for solutions and just wander about imperfectly, doing what I fancy and just putting up with the fact it makes me feel bad even though it's what I want to do? Just ignore it, the way you might ignore your back pain if you really want to go to that concert or you'll do something knowing you'll ache tomorrow but feeling it's worth the pay off?
Does any of that resonate at all with anyone else? :)
--- End quote ---
I can identify ((((Tupp))))). For what it's worth, for myself, I decided not to attempt dating for awhile as I seem to attract dysfunctional A$$hole$ who refuse to see me as human. It's similar to being newly clean and sober where Newbies are advised by Sponsors not to get involved in relationships during the first year of sobriety. It takes a while for the brain cells to recover and reassemble themselves into a coherently functioning, if not functional, unit. One day at a time. I do have a question...is the counselor attempting to impose her/his "fix" on you instead of working WITH you as a Team Member? (I'll explain where my question comes from later.)
--- End quote ---
Hiya Bonesie,
Yes, I completely agree with the attracting aholes thing! I've not dated for six years now because of that - always seemed to end up with the same kind of person even though they seemed different to start with. So stopped completely and haven't started again partly because I have still felt 'imperfect'. But now wondering if I should/could just go for a drink or a coffee with someone deal with it as I go along.
And how funny, Bones, are you psychic??!! Yes, I do feel the T is offering advice that is (a) unsolicited and (b) doesn't suit my situation. She said twice last night that she thinks I should go to the doctor and get medication for my anxiety. There are a number of reasons that I don't feel this is appropriate for me at the minute and I was a bit shocked, I've never spoken to a counsellor who's ventured into the medication area before (the two good T's in my life never really mentioned meds they were more interested in talking things through). She also said she thought I should talk things over with my mum! Which is a bit like suggesting someone goes swimming with a hungry shark. I was quite uncomfortable with that. So I'm feeling now like I'm done talking about things. I'm not sure how much of how I feel it changes? I can see the changes in my head but I don't think it makes the bad/sad feelings go away?
Anyway, ponder, ponder, ponder! Thank you. Hope you are doing okay xx
--- End quote ---
Thanks, (((((((Tupp)))))
LOL!!!!! I've never thought of myself as "psychic". I've been called "psycho" by N's when I've said NO to their demands! It sounds like this therapist is NOT listening and NOT HEARING you as she is more focused on forcing HER FIXES on you. I've dealt with a psychiatrist who attempted that and had to terminate him, especially when he attempted to destroy my sobriety while claiming he "could control my addictions FOR me". I DON'T THINK SO!!!! There were boundaries being violated all over the place and I finally got fed up with my voice being ignored while he attempted to force his manipulations on me.
Going out for coffee, occasionally, sounds like a safe thing to do, while taking things slow. It would give you time to size up the other person and see where there real motives are. When you have to say "No" to something, observe how they react. I've noticed that N's HATE the word "no".
--- End quote ---
Hiya Bones,
Thanks for that :) I think I'm at a point now where I can pick up on things in other people and avoid them - a bit like an alcoholic getting to the point where they can go to a party and be alright about not having a drink. For example, I struggled to deal with some difficult women I was having to be around at a sports class my son goes to; was a bit hit and miss but I got through it and now keep them all at arm's length (and feel fine about doing so). It's all about learning new skills, isn't it?! That psychiatrist you mention sounds dangerous! Worrying how some people can be around vulnerable people really. Hope you are sleeping better :) xx
--- End quote ---
Thanks, ((((((((((Tupp)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I just tried Reiki for the first time today and it helped a lot. After the practitioner did her energy healing with me, we sat down and talked about how I felt about my first experience. Her first words to me were her observations: "You need a support system as your energy has been depleted. You have been drained by people while trying to help them." I thought to myself: "Bingo!" The Reiki experience has me so relaxed that I've been tempted to take a nap all day. I'm curious how I'll sleep tonight.
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