Dirty procrastinating husband and me bitching, moaning and complaining.

[Overcomer]

Hello everyone!!  It seems in all the world this is the only place I can vent.

I'm dealing with this cancer.  I do not have the stamina I once had and it is very frustrating to me.

So all I want is for my husband to be my hero but.......

We had a graduation open house and I gave him 4 weeks notice to get the pool area and the back yard presentable.  By the time the open house came around there were still weeds and dirt and an unfinished paving tile project still sitting there (the paving tile project was started about a year ago.....)  The cooler with the beer in it had 4 years worth of dirt on it.  He didn't see it.  He smokes.  You cannot see out of the windshield in his car because of the thick stench film of nicotine.  He hasn't washed his sheets in months (actually I washed them the last time.)  He never wipes the stove off.  He leaves the toilet seat up and I can see the pubic hair so I have to wipe it.  He's losing his teeth because he wouldn't go to the dentist for the first 10 years of our marriage.

At this point I am angry.  I am mad because he only takes care of his needs.  He does his laundry (when I finally refused to do it) but won't do towels or anyone elses.  I went downstairs where the bathroom that he uses is and there was a pile of dog poop which he didn't pick up because he knows I never go down there so why bother???  I don't think I want to go into the bathroom he uses because it will be filthy. 

I could go on and on and on about the things that drive me crazy about the man.  He plans sex and I have no say in the conversation.  So yesterday I texted him and told him a bunch of people showed up at the house and he needed to get home because I wanted him to grill.  He said he wouldn't.  I asked him if he liked being forced into things?  I was trying to get him to understand that I do not appreciate a text at 8:00 am on a Saturday asking me if I'm gonna hop in the shower (code for he wants sex.)

I really don't even like him.  He leans alcoholic and is very self centered.  His only concern about me dying is that "he's gonna get screwed."

I really want to leave but I've got so much stress in my life I cannot add that to the mix.  He won't worry about my feelings dealing with an aggressive cancer, no he'll make my life miserable.  I just don't know what to do!!!  I think the man has Asperger's and I also think he is only concerned about himself...

[lighter]

I'm so sorry (((Kelly)))

Your h isn't prepared to support you during your struggle with cancer, or lend a hand around the house.

I see it like this......

he doesn't seem able to care for himself either. 

Maybe he is Aspie to some degree.  That would explain some of the mystery around his inability to connect with you, and be a compassionate human being.

I wouldn't feel compelled to have sex with the man since his conduct drains your energy.  That would be the answer I gave whenever he asked for sex.  THEN maybe he'd understand that you need help, cooperation, and support if you're expected to have energy fro something besides fighting this cancer.

I don't know how you do it. 

::shaking head::

I don't.

Lighter

[Ales2]

Hi Kelly So sorry to hear you are dealing with this. It is hard enough to deal with passive aggressive people who dont cooperate when asked to do normal chores. That alone would be a drag and frustrating at any time, but harder still when you are dealing with your cancer treatments. 

As a suggestion, when you break down what needs to be done- basic house cleaning/laundry, the yard weeding/lawn care/finish tile project, car wash - it sounds like a lot but 3 are maintenance to be done once a week and one is project that needs to be completed (tile project). You dont mention what your resources are,  is it possible that you can hire someone to handle the yard and someone to clean/do laundry once a week? If finances are a problem, is it possible that your cancer center might have support assistance and provide housekeeping assistance on a weekly basis? Maybe someone from your church or a student in the area might need to earn a few extra dollars per week? I agree he should do his share, but might this work in the short term?  I did not address the dentist issue, thats really his choice, but everything else is something you can delegate.
 
One last thing, it also sounds like your husband is not providing you with any emotional support - is it possible for you to get in a cancer support group?

All the best to you Kelly.

[Hopalong]

((((Kelly)))))

I do wish you could actually leave.
But I understand it might be really hard.

I just imagine you dealing with life and healing and cancer and what matters most to you...
in a more serene, quiet, gentle space. (And a clean one.)

I will hold that vision for you, with comfort and strength.

love
Hops

[teartracks]

Kelly,

I'm so sorry things are so tough for you what living with a childish, immature husband slob who has more than one person's share of disgusting habits.  I pray that he sees how desperately you need him to look after you rather than make your burden even heavier by his selfish actions.

tt

[mudpuppy]

I really want to leave but I've got so much stress in my life I cannot add that to the mix.

Hi Kelly,

Are you sure leaving such a self centered creep would result in a net increase in stress?

mud

[ann3]

Hi Kelly,

I am so sorry to hear you are going thru all this.
Your husband sounds like a relative of mine, who I also think has Aspergers, but he's never been diagnosed.

When I researched the type of behavior which my relative engages in (which sounds like your husband's behavior), I came across a term called "Oppositional Defiance Disorder" (ODD).
Here's some links that discusses Adult ODD:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WVnaPmjziZY

http://www.wisegeekhealth.com/what-are-the-symptoms-of-oppositional-defiant-disorder-in-adults.htm#didyouknowout

http://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/healthlibrary/conditions/mental_health_disorders/oppositional_defiant_disorder_90,P02573/

Read the comments here:
https://itsaboutthem.wordpress.com/2008/09/30/adults-with-odd/

ODD is usually used to describe children, not adults, but I found that ODD describes my 40 year old relative in this sense:  Almost whatever someone asks him to do, he refuses.  A completely reasonable request & he will refuse to do it.  I think he refuses to do whatever is asked because he feels the need to be oppositional & defy anyone who asks him to do something.  IMO, this kinda sounds like your husband.
My relative is also very self centered & selfish & this, too, sounds like your husband.

Based on my experience & from what I've read, nothing seems to change my relative's behavior.  Rewarding him, reasoning with him, pleading with him:  nothing seems to work & he doesn't change.  It's like talking to a brick wall.  He does what he wants to do & he doesn't care.

So, if anything I'm describing rings a bell for you, how do you feel about that?  What if your husband never changes, how do you feel about that?

I kinda agree with Mudd and I wonder if the frustration and disappoint you may/might be feeling could impair your health.  You don't need this emotional burden.

Can you go see a therapist and discuss this situation?  

Wishing you all the best,
ann

[Overcomer]

Thank you for your input.  You see?  I'm not sure how much time I have.  Months?  Years?  They told me at the beginning that 1/2 of the people with my diagnosis would be gone by 1 1/2 years.  I'm just about to hit 6 years of dealing with it.  It keeps coming back.  Chemo.  Surgeries.  Radiation.  I have never been without tumors.  I've got them in my lungs for sure and who knows where else. 

Whenever h and I get in a fight he clicks on the "mean guy" switch.  If you've ever been through a divorce you know it takes months and the fight is not fun.  I wonder if I can stand it.  But I wonder if I can stand to stay.  He's constantly ranting and raving and by this point in our marriage he sounds like the adults in the Peanuts cartoons.  He drones on and on about nothing and complains 95% of the time!!!

His behavior is so reminiscent of my first husband.  The constant disappointment.  The doing some things but never getting it done.  He just doesn't SEE the dirt.  He doesn't smell the litter.  It's like he's running a race and stops a foot before the finish line.  He never finishes the race. 

His work allowed him to get short term disability insurance to cover him when I am sick and need him.  So what does he do???  He uses that time to lay around.  He used it all up.  I asked him what was he going to do when I am REALLY sick and REALLY need him but he has used all the sick time to do nothing?  Really.  He used sick time to take care of me and then I took care of myself while he laid in bed the whole time.  Depressed??  I don't know.  He figures if I can lay around why can't he???  Maybe.  What he doesn't realize is I would do anything to get up and go to work!!  I miss work.  I miss being able to weed whack and plant flowers and all that stuff.  It's not a vacation dealing with cancer!!!!

Plus, I've also had people be mean to me since my diagnosis.  Maybe it's because I have become more outspoken and people don't like hearing the truth but I've had so many people rip me a new one.  I've had at least 2 people say to me that "they may be dealing with what I am."  And no, they aren't but are jealous of the attention I receive?

All I know is people are stupid.  People are disappointing.  The most interesting one is my Nmom.  Since my diagnosis we have been cool.  She's been nice to me.  But I realize if she wasn't nice how would she look?  She has to be. 

Oh, well, but that's another story!!

[ann3]

Hi Kelly,

I think I understand the type of person you're describing.  He won't do what you ask him to do & he gets nasty.

I asked him what was he going to do when I am REALLY sick and REALLY need him but he has used all the sick time to do nothing?  Really.  He used sick time to take care of me and then I took care of myself while he laid in bed the whole time

To me, when you ask him 'what will he do when you're really sick & need him', it's like you're engaging in the dance with him.  IMO, people like your husband and my relative love to fight, they love being oppositional & they love defying.  So, IMO, by asking him "what will he do for you?", you're inviting a fight.  Your question is logical & reasonable, but your H is not.

As someone posted in the messages in one of the links posted above, these type of people love NOT giving you what you ask for.  If you ask H to clean the pool, he loves NOT cleaning the pool and then watching you get disappointed and frustrated.

I have found that if you ask these types of people for nothing, they give/do nothing, but at least it cuts down on the arguing.  However, that can leave us with anger, frustration & disappointment. 

IMO, there's no easy solution with these people. 
IMO, either we keep them in our lives, ask them for nothing and deal with our anger, frustration & disappointment or we limit our contact with them. 

I hope you can see a therapist & discuss all this.

Wishing you all the best,
ann

[Hopalong]

Hi Kel,
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Kelly))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))).

Can you please make YOURSELF an appointment with someone at the local hospice? (Not because you're ready for it, but pro actively.) Tell them everything about your husband. Tell them where you are in the course of your disease, and how much frustration and anguish his behavior is causing you (including his sexual demands). Ask for their suggestions.

Consider also making yourself an appointment with a geriatric social worker. (I know, you're not old...but that person will be plugged into all the local resources that can serve as ombudsmen for the vulnerable.)

Since your husband's instincts toward you are neither loving nor protective, even though it stinks that you should have to--I think you need to NOW begin forming a concrete plan for the next chapter in your life when you are going to be MORE vulnerable. Now, while you still have enough strength to call for appointments, write a descriptive summary of your situation for organization's records. (You can copy and paste a lot of what you've already described here, and just edit it down a little to make it into a clear summary)--and create a positive team for yourself...I think you have to do it.

Your mother is nicer now and that's wonderful. But I doubt she has the practicality or inner resources to create such a team for you. But I believe that YOU CAN.

I don't know all the details but I do know that there ARE organizations and teams and community volunteers who absolutely would be able to help you in some way. And I think you would be doing the most amazing thing for yourself if you just accept that he will not change or make it easier on you. So YOU need to be your own advocate in all this. What a great thing to do at this point in your life. To say, Enough is enough. I will have peace, serenity, dignity and kindness around me now.

Tell whoever you talk to that you're urgently in need of creating a support team for yourself for what's ahead. You can summarize your husband's attitude and behavior and then talk about what you WANT. Physical help, clean surroundings, and NOT being in a situation where you can be emotionally abused or forced into sexual compliance, etc.

Seriously. People will take you seriously. You deserve it.

Soon, hon. I hope you'll do these things soon, if they sound right to you.

love and comfort,
Hops

[Overcomer]

Oh my!!!  Thanks for the great suggestions.  My family lives in denial land and so they treat me like I'm "normal."  Since I've never been normal I don't know what that word means!!

My H wants sex when I am well.  So he lays in bed "taking care of me" and the minute I look like I've turned the corner, the raised eyebrows, the staring at my feet (foot fetish....)  It is all so creepy.

I didn't realize I could reach out to people who live with this kind of thing on a regular basis and call for help!!!

Thank you, thank you!!!

All my love, Kelly