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"The Inexplicable"--an article on extreme narcissism in The New Yorker

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Hopalong:
Doc G,
I was thinking of my D.
She volunteered at a camp for burned children.
She went vegan before I knew what the word meant.
She adored animals.

Then...after loss after loss after loss, she actually worked in a public animal shelter where part of her job was to euthanize.
She had loss after loss after loss.

And one day, I saw she had become cruel.

That's why I asked this.

Hops

Dr. Richard Grossman:
Hi Hops,

In individual cases, such as your daughter’s, it’s impossible for me to tell what the likely main influences are unless I sit with the person for a couple hours.

But a few points (from my life/work experience) are important:

1) I have known many people who have suffered loss after loss from an early age, and it made them more and more (too?!!!) sensitive and caring rather than cruel.  So, multiple factors (nature and nurture) are always at play.

2) Adult brains are not fully formed until the mid to late 20’s—nature (e.g. genetics) is still playing an undercover role until then.

3) If, in a particular situation (e.g., your daughter’s,) a child/young adult has one sensitive, caring, empathic parent, that is usually enough to provide what a child/young adult needs in terms of nurturance to become a “normal” human being.  In extreme situations, e.g. child rape/incest or other severe trauma, this, may not be the case.  I make this point because it is obvious that you were the "type" of parent I'm describing here.

But, and this is most important, for whatever reason your daughter became “cruel,” it is a terrible life-long loss for you, and I know it makes you feel alone in the world.

Hugs,

Richard

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