Nboss strikes again

[sea storm]

Hmmmmm oddly quiet from the toxic work place front. Hope they are not dropping poppy seeds or something in your tea. Have you noticed any new symptoms?

Maybe boss is gone? Miracles do happen.

Lots of love

Sea storm

[Hopalong]

Hi Sea,
Thanks for asking! Mostly, Nboss is preoccupied with an office move and trying to run a retreat (when he's not running incredibly invasive "leadership trainings" which I'm mercifully not involved in). He forces (well, he's the boss, so they don't say no) employees to attend day-long "workshops" run by him (no qualifications whatsoever, save for his having lived with a corrupt guru for 20 years) during which he demands they expose their innermost vulnerabilities and life stories and such, which he hoovers up like a buzzard. It's all vulnerability, which he soaks up...while never offering any in return.

Inappropriate as hell for a workplace, and they all absolutely hate it. But they have to feed their families.

I'm not in it. And my close colleague the Art Director recently escaped (because I told my other good colleague, the next-CEO, how toxic it is for Art Dir) having to continue--and he told Nboss he had to let Art Dir out of it. Art Dir is very relieved (but also a little worried about Nboss payback). I think he's going to be okay as we simply couldn't function without him.

Me? I've got my head down and have accepted that I have 4.5 years to go until retirement. I hope it's no more than that. I have made a contact who might be able to help me "run the numbers" to be sure of a retirement date. Just need to move forward with that appointment, etc.

I was off for two weeks during which I read, slept, and did nothing much else. Just went back Friday.

Stay tuned and I'm sure if things escalate again, I'll bring it here!

love to you -- and how ARE YOU Sea?

Hops

[sea storm]

Hi

The boss that forces people to disclose and share in less than psychologically safe group. This is really new heights in controlling behaviour.  I have been reading about micromanagers lately and he sounds like a controller who fits the bill. This is very disturbing to employees and causes them to leave about 80 percent of the time.  It has a disastrous effect on morale. Looking back on my working life in the school system I can see how demoralizing that kind of controlling behaviour had on me. The thing I didn't know then was that I could not control such people or out manipulate them and that if anything would have helped it would have been changing myself. When life is piling it on one, in work, family, love life, etc it is so much better to have a solid anchor and sense of grounding in oneself.

Good grief! Sounds so pious.

I started attending a women's twelve step program.  It is very rigid though and even after two weeks several women are very triggered but it is not dealt with in the group. There is not cross talk at all which is ok except the level of disclosure is very high. Curiously, women are calling me and needing to get emotional support. I mean curious in that there is no room for that in the group but the group needs it. I guess.  The leader of the group phoned me and she was beside herself and agitated because she said that it is a twelve step group and there is no room for counseling. I asked how to deal with people getting very triggered by all the disclosures and she said that we just need to love each other. When I asked what that looked like she was FURIOUS. She said , just say you love the person.  I don't know. Maybe that works for Mother Theresa and the Pope but seems like throwing straw to a drowning person. Of course the people who are triggered need counseling but they won't get that support in this group. To me, this makes it a crummy group. On the other hand, talking about my relationship with despair and God was beneficial. Hearing about how other women have experienced the same despair and sense of powerlessness brought me so much closer to them. I have been sitting on the sidelines for a long time and this at least engages me and forces me to shake the tree of life in myself. We enter the tree of life through our deepest wounds.

Poor you, you ask how I am and you get Beethoves's Fifth.
On the work front, I am very busy with my Etsy store selling Chinese and Japanese antiques. I study these areas and my store is doing pretty well. It has been like sitting on a big rock and trying to get it warm for the last four years. It has been a big commitment.  I love having the antiques around the house: antique wedding kimonos, tea ceremony bowls, Chinese tapestries  and embroideries,  vases etc. The pieces come and go and it is so wonderful to unwrap a new old thing. This way I get to be surrounded by wonderful works of art. I feel like their protector. It is kind of amazing that I live in this little fishing and logging place and can have a business that is entirely international. I was thinking about the song: MY way by Frank Sinatra and I thought  about the store and realized that I did it anyway. That would be a good epitaph.  Just do it. or She did it anyway.

I do not miss having my every move scrutinized and judged and the jockeying for power that goes on it the workplace. It does either sharpen ones wits or drive one to the wits end. I miss having workmates though. Seems like I am often scrambling to put together a life. I guess that is how it is when one is marginalized as a single woman.  Thank God I have some peace now and lots of contentment..

This board was a life saver for me and I still like to visit. It seems most of the people who were severely maimed by narcissists have settled down and made their peace with the beasts or changed so much that there are no beasts anymore. Like the war is over and the guns are silent. It is a really magnificent saga, all these people over the years growing together and helping each other through terrible storms.

I was going to write that I worry about you but decided not to. (laughing).  I hope you transcend your crappy workplace and realize that it is not your fault at all and it is a mess.
A very interesting mess. There is a great story there.

As always,

Yer old pal, and love to ya Hops,
Sea storm

[sKePTiKal]

Hops, I am still visualizing the cosmic 16 ton anvil dropping on your Nboss' head - mid-tirade, would be about perfect, methinks.

But then, I am also reminded that these people usually create their own "traps" and that the operation of karma, is still a mystery. You will be OK; people there probably come to you for validation that they're not crazy and how best to deal with him. They need you, to get through it themselves.

It's a crappy job; but someone's gotta do it. Better you than one of Nboss' sycophants. Sometimes we all gotta stand up in the age-old, good vs evil struggle.

Besides, if you left now, the idjit would literally fall apart - he NEEDS you to be there and keep on taking his crap - way more than you need the paycheck.

[Meh]

How is everything going Hops?

[Hopalong]

Hey Boat,
It's actually better right now, because we're launching a major new product line (which was my idea,
but of course...Nboss couldn't choke that out, ever). But it's meant that I have loads of work to do and
since the product is so different it's actually broken the usual boredom.

Busy is better. Finally realizing. But busy + new is better still.

Nboss is for now, out of my hair. (He'll be baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack...but not yet.)

Lotsa action at work, and that's working better for me. Hope it lasts.

Hugs to ya and thank you for asking me...
Hops

[Meh]

Ha ha, yes sounds better indeed, nobody has time to undermine each other it sounds like. there is nothing better than having a distracted nemesis

[Hopalong]

Distracted nemesis...I like that, Boat.

Then again, a severe N really never stops plotting, do they? The upshot is, he fired me last week. I subconsciously brought it on myself.

He had two "charges" against me. One is that I "don't get along with all members of the team." (He failed to say that the one person I didn't have a warm collegial productive relationship with was his 23 y/o son, who came in with no skills for half his duties and began demanding authority and ran complaining to his Daddy every time I balked. His son doesn't like women either. I did balk. It was visible. My bad.)

The other was my subconscious thing...people use Chat all the time to vent and to cope in that hothouse, and I was no exception. One day I wrote a snarky, pointed comment about Nboss ("fake personality, fake enthusiasm--Mega ugh," etc.) to my closest workmate. Looked down a moment later and realized I'd sent it TO NBOSS.

Uh-oh. It was like that moment when I challenged my brother--stating directly to him about his lack of helping me with taking care of our parents: "Where have you been the last 15 years?". In that moment I saw my brother change from merely a scary N to a Destroyer. And though Nboss is more subtle than that, I should've realized it was all over in that second. You just do NOT challenge or say something that punctures an N's self-image...and in that remark about "fake" (which is the whole story about mini-guru Nboss) I punctured his myth. I tried to make amends very sincerely and he played warm and fuzzy and forgiving for a couple weeks but (as I should've realized) of course it wasn't over.

Anyway, my coworkers were extremely upset (new CEO, who battled for me but couldn't prevail, Nboss owns 51%) and hugely supportive. Tears and hugs. Tomorrow I'm going to lunch at the home of my closest workmate and new CEO and I are getting together next week. We'll remain friends.

The one satisfying bit was at the end of the meeting. I asked, may I speak? (And since CEO was there, Nboss couldn't very well pretend I had no right to). And for about 10-15 minutes, I calmly told him everything I'd observed about him over the years, detailing his cruelty and manipulation. I said it was true I had some resentment, based on X incident and X devaluing and X belittlement and X sexism and X bullying, etc. And ended by saying how clear it was that any confident, assertive woman with education, broad experience and skills was an enormous, uppity threat to the way he sees the world. I ended by saying I've had many bosses, good and bad, in my long career, and that he is the single most toxic person I have ever worked for.

He said, "I disagree." And I said, "Of course you do." He was white in the face. And that was that. I felt calm, didn't shed a tear, and left with dignity intact. CEO and I went for a walk (and he hugged me and told me Nboss is unstable, irrational and capricious, and I literally am not replaceable--he's horrified) and as we returned Nboss passed us on the sidewalk. He looked at me with absolute pure HATRED. I wasn't rattled but it was the most naked hatred I've ever seen on another human's face.

Despite my missteps, it seems it was pretty obvious to everyone else that the punishment didn't fit the crime. (My first response was to tell him this is vicious, vindictive and vengeful. It's emotion and ego-driven, it's not rational. And it's not good for the company. But there was no point. I wasn't interested in pleading anyway. Didn't want to try.)

Within 5 minutes going down the road I began feeling changed. I am going to be okay. I have friends, an emergency fund for a few months. In four years I'll be 70 and can survive on social security. I will find something. No despairing, I am feeling determined, not helpless.

One more thing. I immediately emailed his chief competitor, who loathes Nboss (Nboss stole his design, and others in the industry know he's a fraud). Just mentioned I'd parted ways with the company and was interested in other opportunities in the niche I have such deep knowledge about. He wrote me back instantly: "I am absolutely interested in talking to you." We're supposed to talk this weekend. Who knows? I may get a better job, or a consulting gig, or something.

Or I may wind up with some very simple job in a great spot with a nice boss (or just a non-N boss) at half the pay and be happy and at peace. As long as I can hang on to my house, I can adapt to a very frugal life without losing joy.

One step at a time. He offered me a pittance severance agreement --3 months salary after 9 years--that would include renouncing my unemployment benefits (companies hate paying those as their rates go up) AND being muzzled from ever saying anything negative about the company. I have a few weeks to decide whether to sign it. I have choices:

--If I land a big gig before the deadline (pie in sky so far), just walk away. Don't sign a thing.
--File for unemployment anyway and let HIM fight it (he can, as he wrote me up and though it was totally distorted, he does have a paper trail that might justify "for cause.") That said, he is an enraged N with a successful company, so he'd think nothing of spending incredible $$ on lawyers to defeat me. I'm not up for that, but I do have a msg out to a well-recommended employment attorney to get a realistic assessment of my chances. I've heard it said that short of hitting somebody, it's pretty hard for companies to just refuse to pay unemployement benefits. I'll simply follow the attorney's advice, I'm not interested in a long drama.
--Through my own attorney, counter-offer that I'll sign it for a year's salary. (Even then, nothing prevents me from going to work for a competitor.) That would pay off my mortgage and leave me in much better shape.

Meanwhile, I'm breathing. Slowly catching on that in spite of the challenges of financial and old-age uncertainty, I am free.

love
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Hops, you are a legend.  I am so, so glad to read that you told him exactly what the truth of the situation is, and that you did it calmly, with grace and dignity, in front of others so he couldn't interrupt or spin it as anything other than what it was.  Amazingly brilliant.  I am so glad others around you are being so supportive and in all honestly I am glad he sacked you, you are far, far too good for that place and I think, for the first time ever, he's actually done you a massive favour.  Something much, much better is on the horizon now, whatever that may be.  No advice for you re settlements as that sort of thing is completely over my head but being the wise, well counselled woman that you are you will find the best route and sail off along it.  You are amazing xx

[teartracks]

Hops, you're the girl!  You are right, this is not the end of your productive life, the dreams you have for yourself re finances and a pleasant retirement, etc.  Your job description has changed, that's all.  In a way, you've employed yourself as your own consultant and from the looks of things, you're doing a grand job. 

Love,
tt

[sKePTiKal]

Is that freedom and relief I hear???   

Well done, Hops. I was going to argue with you over whether your faux pas was subsconscious, but I kept reading instead. Think you're right there. It was just time those feelings were HEARD, you know?

This, that you wrote over on Tupp's thread, is pertinant too.

Anyway, what my T said was that he believes I'm unaware that I have an unusually high tolerance for abuse. It was what I learned beneath the bullying from my brother and schoolmates without rescue, plus the hollowness of an Nmother who didn't see me and couldn't respond with affection. And then it was all repeated with my N/Sbrother and Nboss. So T says, I think you long ago accepted the idea that it was acceptable for you to be treated unacceptably.

I don't know if it's this way for you or not - but my tolerance became something I was perversely proud of. It was like battle scars or something. And my ego simply wouldn't let me disengage from the battle with my own Nboss, until I finally convinced myself that life was too short to put up with assholes. What he doesn't realize, is that by firing you he's finally given you the upper hand. Advantage > Hops.

So, that's why the non-disclosure. He is assuming that at this point, you'll chew off your own arm to get away. And to top it off, he thinks he can buy you off cheap. HA! It's just my way of looking at it, but I wouldn't give him the satisfaction, now that you aren't predicating your well-being on satisfying his wants. (Yes, it's an ego thing... but it's also the golden mean of boundaries too. He simply can't tell you, cajole you, coerce you into doing what he wants you to do anymore. It doesn't have to be colored with revenge or vindictiveness either. You do and ask for what is right for you. But DO NOT under any circumstances, sign the Non-D. He is completely outside the lines of his rights, to ask for that after firing you. As an employer, I consider that at minimum, inappropriate; if not unethical and arrogant.)

And you can always stall for time, too. Saying you have to think things over carefully. 

I like your ideas so far.

[Hopalong]

Thanks, PR. Couldn't appreciate your understanding more, given what you're in the middle of, friend.

The thing about the document is that it DOES give me 3 months' salary, and I have no certainty I actually will find adequate work in the field at my age. Hope so and will do my best, but at 65...no guarantee at all. So it's a pittance in perspective, but in the short-term, enough money to, say, buy a decent used car.

What to do, what to do. My enormous preference is not to sign it, and if I can get a swift offer from someone else in the same industry, I'd have the wherewithal to refuse it without a qualm. But that's where an employment attorney's objectivity comes in. Once I have that consultation, I'll know better what to do. And what's realistic.

One thing at a time, I think. Ain't no other choice.

One foot one moment one day. It'll hafta do.
And may wind up wonderful eventually.
It already IS wonderful, emotionally.

(Telling him calmly what I truly thought for 10 minutes at the end was almost worth it all...)
xo
Hops

[Hopalong]

Guess what?
The chief competitor is flying me out after Xmas for a day or two of meetings with him and his people!

I might might might have a new job!

I don't want to move, but I'm happy to travel monthly and telecommute...

Hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope....

Hops

[lighter]

Hops:

My stomach flips thinking about hitting that send button to the Bboss.... OMG.

And then telling him exactly what you've experienced.... everything you've witnessed.... everything he truly IS, and in front of the new CEO.

You're very brave, and you know what you're worth, Hops.

I sincerely hope this experience leads to a new/better job.

I can imagine Nboss has made it very easy for his competitor to feel wonderful about taking you on..... so many reasons.  It basically cancels out what the Nboss meant to accomplish.  It actually improves your situation, since you won't be working for Nboss any longer.  Just that, alone, is reason for competitor boss to hire you, IMO, and then you're an asset and bring skills to the table that will work against N boss..... I see good things for you, Hops

Lighter

[sea storm]

Hi Hops

I just read what happened.

Sometimes the universe really conspires to get us out of rotten situations. Pressing the button and sending the equivalent of the A Bomb to your toxic boss was so amazing and freeing.  I bet it feels very scarey and like a drop from a tall building. I am praying for you and hope to help you see that it just had to happen.
It is so great that you told your truth. Thank you for your courage and your story.

You mention not being perfect physically and feeling old and tired. It is a wonder you aren't completely burnt out from your job. You need time to heal and restore your spirit after the long haul in your workplace. Whatever happens you will be ok. There are resources out there and here that you can't even imagine. Something is shifting for you and in you. How wonderful.

All that said, I am sending you blessings dear Hops and I want to reassure you that you deserve the very best.

Kind Regards and standing by,
Sea