Anything other than anything

[Meh]

I called in sick. I felt slightly guilty but I am harboring anger towards my employer LOL. Since they didn't acknowledge my request for time off a when I request few weeks ago, and since I had just worked an 8 day in a row work week. Today I decided I will take a day off call it mental health day or whatever.

So I just cooked bacon and eggs and having it with coffee right now. It feels like Christmas morning.  Nice and cozy and at the moment none of my roommates are home.

So more or less today I am saying to my employer:  Phuck this Monday. You do Monday suckers.

I'm okay with working, I never hated the idea of work as a concept, it's only that this employer doesn't really respect employees at all. Since I've worked there I have worked on most holidays, worked on Thanksgiving day, also the day before and after Christmas, Labor day etc.

I feel like I have lost myself sometimes. I miss reading books and writing. I spend too much time on the internet. At work in front of computer all day long then I go home and turn it back on.

I'm thinking about locating my resume. It's saved somewhere electronically on my computer. I'm thinking about updating it.

I want to step back and think about the big picture instead of being like a plastic person stuck in a snow globe.

There is a chance I have some depression and motivation issues. Who knows. It's just that I used to get excited about stuff, like making things. Traveling. I had a concept that there was "fun" stuff to do. Now it's like I just think about morbid things. I was listening to a talk radio show yesterday it was about financial investing and planning for old age, see this sort of thing terrifies me. I would rather not think about it. There are some things in my life I would just rather not deal with at all. I feel like I don't even have a chance. I don't think it's anhedonia.

Am contemplating how much time I spend really just sort of racing through my days. I wish I could do more. I don't have a career, it's just a dumb job and even this still feels like I have a pitch fork under my rear end all week. I miss writing and peace and contemplation.
Anyways I am going to take a break from writing this for a few mins.

[Meh]

Calling in sick made me feel a little more rested today. Something happens where my whole life begins to feel controlled by a stop watch and I just can't relax. I feel better when I grasp that feeling of relaxedness. That maybe not a word. I am going to say that RELAXEDNESS is a certain state of being that feels good. I think it's possible to maintain some amount of this and simultaneously get on with life. It's the opposite of feeling like a beheaded chicken.



Sometimes I feel a certain amount of stress because I don't know how to appropriately and politely express myself at work. I feel like they don't want us to speak up, of course they don't! The converse side of it is  I am not happy if I don't have any input into the job that I do. So I guess this is where I am finding myself at.

Today I did go to work. I didn't call in sick. As expected my stuff was piled up on a new desk in disarray. The desk was filthy because nobody ever cleans them. I taped my name to my keyboard and mouse but they didn't get moved with me. The lighting is different and I am surrounded by more people in a busier part of the office so it heightens that sense of ADHD. I even got a headache today, I am not sure if it was the florescent lights that I have to look towards to face my computer screen. I will find out.

I work more and better when my stuff is in order, when it's clean, when it's mine.

People asked me how I was today and I told every single one of them I was unhappy literally. I'm not happy here. I feel like nobody listens or cares therefore I just repeat it to everybody who asks me.

I found out that they were expecting me to train 3 people today (I already trained 2 people last week). One of the leads (people under supervisors) came over to my desk and started rummaging underneath my personal belongings looking for the devices/cords they need for training. I was already unhappy but this also felt like a violation of my personal space. I feel like I should be allowed to have some personal space at work. I don't rummage around in other people's stuff.

Some of the new hires ask me questions that they shouldn't, ask about raises and their schedules. Things I have nothing to do with. And they are asking me all these questions while I am trying to get my work done.

I snapped at her I said: "It's not under there" in a pissy voice.  I guess this was enough to make her decide it would be better if a new-hire isn't exposed to an unhappy employee.
They said they didn't have very many people available to train the new hires. I think she sat with the person herself and I think she complained to the director of the department about me because I saw her speaking with the director and then the director looking over at me with a ugly face. The thing is I am not a robot, I am a human being and I have feelings. I am not a machine.

From my perspective I'm not getting paid a lot. They just dumped my stuff on a dirty desk and then disrespectfully started going through it like I don't matter at all. I still haven't gotten set up where I am and they want me to train 3 people who are probably a "threat" to my job.

The company is promoting this whole CUSTOMER CARE thing. They changed the name instead of it being CUSTOMER SERVICE. They haven't really changed any of our tools though. They haven't done anything to make our jobs faster and considering that customers are always impatient one would think they could at least do an assessment of this.

It irks me this customer care junk. I guess it bothers me because they expect too much for what the job actually is, it's just a dumb call center.

I'm not a warm person, I don't have it in me. I don't care about very many people. Maybe only my nephews for some reason.

[Hopalong]

I hate to say this, Boat...but you might possibly be risking sabotaging your emmployment.
NOT because anything you feel is inappropriate -- but because your understandable resentment is leaking out.
You're resisting, and in my experience, management always senses that.

There really is no privacy or space ownership in the workplace, and your workplace sounds chaotic.

I don't know if you want to keep the job (couldn't blame you if you didn't) but before you go all Norma Rae
you want to be sure you have an exit plan.

Getting fired would be worse than resigning in your own time with something else to go to.

I don't know how hard it would be, but to avoid triggering anyone there who's vindictive, it might even
be worth emailing the person you snapped at (with a CC to the director who gave you a look) some short short
thing about, "Just want to say I'm sorry I was impatient the other day, I'm still not feeling quite right from being sick. I know we're
all stressed right now."

But I wouldn't make it longer than that or open the door to more because, in honestly, no matter
what is (or would be) fair, or reasonable, or the right way to treat people, or respectful, or appreciative.......

It's
not
going
to
happen
there.

 

Hops

[Meh]

I hear you Hops.  You are right, I know that you are.

For me though I do feel like I have a say in my own life all the time. The feeling that I am being force-fed something makes me uncomfortable and even angry. My employer doesn't own me. I think employees can still attempt to make choices at work. The fact that they were able to work out the situation without dumping it all on me was proof that they don't have to be like that. I don't want to be miserable at my job. The president of the company doesn't have people rifling through her stuff. I really do feel like a low class citizen as an employee and that really doesn't make sense. They are just paying me to help customers. They are not paying me to help keep their business staffed. It's also not a sadomasochistic dungeon  

I dislike the idea and feeling that I have no control over how my day is going to be 40 hours a week. That is like 25% of my life. I think I deserve to feel good during that 25%. There is no reason not to. 

There is also no reason for me to help other employees become better.

Not to mention this job is only keeping me afloat it's not like I am ever going to retire. I have no retirement savings and I'm just getting older.

Anyways it's not important stuff it's just that all these things eat away at me and I guess I like to type it out, give it a voice.

I wish I had a place. A nice place that was mine and I don't have such a thing anywhere. It's exhausting in someways. Where can I relax.

[Meh]

Find myself watching TV shows on laptop one episode after the next episode on my days off of work. I really like watching TV. It's sort of like reading a book. I enjoy it.

Also I feel guilty and wonder if I am depressed, not being an adult, wasting away. Not facing reality.

[Hopalong]

I totally understand your musings.

I've been using two mini-mantras this week:

1) Calm down.
2) Do what adults do.

It's absurd but with my ADD and my overall feelings about my job (this pleasant week excepted)
....I have to coach myself on how to get through the days sometimes.

One of my friend-colleagues has an even better mantra for me. Made me laugh but I realize
that unfortunately he's absolutely right. Ready? Here goes...

3) Care less.

We live in a ridiculous world.

I like TV too.

Fight depression in small ways every day. That's good enough.

This too shall pass.

Running out of clichés but not supportive thoughts...
Hops

[Meh]

Thanks for reading TT and Hops.

[Meh]

I have watched every episode on iZombie that I could get from Netflixs and hulu

Same with The Flash

Also there was a TV series about a blond female werewolf I can't even remember what it was called. Bitten

Also long time ago I binged on Merlin

[Meh]

Different subject. Where I work we have a very large customer service department all on the same floor of the building. NONE of the managers higher up EVER acknowledge that customers are rude to US. NEVER ever. It's so exhausting. I wish they would occasionally say "We KNOW that customer's are rude and ridiculous".

Today I had a lower-down supervisor tell me that a customer threatened to sue him if he didn't send out additional products free of charge. The customer said she expected a set of items. She scrolled deep down into the random product stuff that I don't even look at and it was "tagged" it had an internet metadata tag with four related items. She interpreted this to mean she was getting a set of four things. She actually told this supervisor that she was going to have something rammed up his ass. He is one of the nicer and better supervisor's there in my opinion. My job is on my mind right now I guess. They are doing a lot of annoying things where I work.

[Meh]

I had an annual performance review on Wednesday by one of my supervisors who I have seen wear his pajamas to work and plays fantasy football at work constantly. On a few things he rated me below average. I'm kind of just festering about it waiting to see if they offer me a raise or not.

I had a different kind of quality review where they randomly listen in on what we are doing unbeknownst to us (this was yet a different supervisor) I thought I was rated highly in fact they said I scored higher than most everybody else in the call center. The pay raises are not based on those quality reviews though. The thing that gets me is that it's all like a bogus game. I guess I am kind of wondering if I should complain about my annual review because it's not based on any quantifiable data. shrug I don't think I should really fuss with it

[Meh]

I still got a raise but the whole experience wasn't very satisfying, my dumb manager even said I didn't look happy. I'm sick of him.

Watching back-to-back episodes of Gotham series on netflix

[Meh]

I may have made the biggest screw up yet at my job. Today I found out about an order that went up to the president of the company. It was a $4,000.00 purchase that I unknowingly helped a fraudulent customer place. The fraud customer had to give me his billing address, his shipment address and the credit card details and it even went through another person in our billing department who did a second level check on the billing information and it made it through that person also. It turns out the "customer" was using somebody else's credit card information.

It feels horrifying that I screwed up but all that was preexisting on the customer account was a customer ID number nothing is pulled over automatically as far as identifiers go so I figured if he gave me a set of data that was confirmed by running it through the credit card security system that is all I can really do is ask him to give me everything needed to place the order and he did give me all the right info. I thought the order was a little strange but there are quite a few strange scenarios that come up.

Its quite common for one account to have multiple names on the orders due to we have a lot of businesses order from us. There are also situations where people have their builder's name or interior designer on the account. I did think this was a weird one and I questioned it in my mind but since I made the guy give me every single bit of information I really had figured it would get rejected if it turned out to be fraud. This particular circumstance the ONLY reason why the situation was caught was the fraudulent person added a personalized service AFTER he already ordered it causing a delay and also causing re-authorization. We may have lost $400.00 on the order in shipment fees. IDK

It's plain old embarrassing.

[Hopalong]

It sounds to me like you did a pretty conscientious job, Boat.
Don't beat up on yourself about it...it could've happened to anyone.
And if it were going to be blamed on you, you would've heard THAT!

I have the feeling they know it's not your fault and they got stung
by a skilled fraudster.

In my company we sell things that cost that much and things do
happen. Remember--the company can absorb the mistake...it's
called Cost of Doing Business.

Glad you got a raise and clearly from your attitude toward your
responsibilities, you deserve one!

hugs
Hops

[Meh]

Hi Hops.

[Meh]

Last night I went to sleep early and ended up sleeping in late. I think I slept for 14 hours. Lots of my co-workers are sick. I haven't been feeling fantastic myself. Now I am laying around rather lazy. The oven is broken now due to it's so old and I don't want to be the one to report that the dumb thing needs to be replaced. It probably will not get replaced anyhow.