How Honest Do You Think I Should Be?

[Twoapenny]

I'm trying internet dating again and have been chatting to someone and felt I was getting on quite well with them.  Bizarrely I realised today that I hadn't actually asked them what their name is despite the fact we've swopped several emails.  Anyway, their name is the same as my step-dad's which means for me it's a no go.  I'm just wondering if I should just be honest and tell them that's the reason I won't be talking to them again or just make an excuse.  I'm veering towards making an excuse but I  feel it's always obvious when someone is just spinning a line (I can always see it and feel patronised when it happens).  Equally it's not a nice reason and I'm sure I wouldn't like to be told that I remind someone of someone who did something terrible to them.  Which way would you go?

[Meh]

Reading it

[Meh]

Reading it

I think you don't have to justify it. Men rarely justify what they do.

Its probably too early to bring up "stuff".

Maybe ask him if he would get his name changed if he met the love of his life. Maybe he doesn't like his name. How do we know?  Its a long shot and crazy.

Whatever you feel like is best. I mean there are no rules. That is sort of the rule right? I am so not helpful.

Maybe over time the name would no longer mean the old definition and would start to mean the new person.

You can tell him any white lie you want to, online dating is NO OBLIGATION, no responsibility to others only to yourself. I mean you have to be quite a few months in and doing in person dating to perhaps start to have some accountability and vulnerability ??  I don't know that is just my opinion.

[lighter]

Well you're out there, and trying.

I agree with garbonzo.... too early perhaps to share very intimate details, and........

is his name really a deal breaker if he's nice, respectful, and a good match for you?

Really?

Maybe it is.... I can't say,bc I don't have to live with your decisions, and you do.  You get to say, and that's the way it has to be.

When I have similar questions, I like to ask myself questions then wait to see how it makes me feel.... sad and heavy or light and OK?

YOu may sense red flags you aren't able to put your finger on with this guy, and the name just cinches it, or......

you just can't have a constant trigger like that name in your life, you just can't,a dn that's OK too.

You do what feels light, and what you can make peace with, Tupp.

Take care of yourself. 

I'm glad you're out in the world, open to receiving more joy.

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Thank you both for your replies, it has sort of worked itself out, his name is such a big trigger that I've not even gone back on the site since, I now have no interest at all in even speaking to a man, let alone dating one!  Sigh    What is good about 'real world' living is that you do have to deal with things that you wouldn't know were still a problem if you weren't out there trying but it is pesky.  I will try again once this has passed but at the moment would karate chop any bloke that came anywhere near me   Thank you both for your advice, hopefully this will release some 'stuff' and next time it won't be such a big deal x

[Meh]

C'est la vie
On-line dating can be ughhhh.  

I have a photo up on okcupid and guys will msg me, their profile has one photo and they are wearing sunglasses. To me that sort of shows that they are exhibiting ignorance because who posts a photo wearing sunglasses. I cant see your eyes FOOL!!!

[Twoapenny]

C'est la vie
On-line dating can be ughhhh.  

I have a photo up on okcupid and guys will msg me, their profile has one photo and they are wearing sunglasses. To me that sort of shows that they are exhibiting ignorance because who posts a photo wearing sunglasses. I cant see your eyes FOOL!!!

Ha ha, G, yep, I've seen guys in their forties who are quite clearly putting up pictures of themselves much younger, just the hairstyles and clothes give it away, never mind the lack of wrinkles and grey hair.  I put on my profile that I'm happy to be getting older and don't fret about the ageing process, just trying to show that I'm focused on more important things these days than how I look or what my hair is like and I got loads of emails from blokes twenty years older who obviously took that to mean I'm happy to date people old enough to be my dad   Funny, isn't it.

Anyway, after freaking out completely and having a horrible day yesterday I had a moment of clarity and I did email and just told him the truth for my own sake, without worrying about anyone else's reaction.  I realised I am tired of tiptoeing around the fact that I was ABUSED, yes, it happened, yes, it affected me and yes, it's still a problem at times, it's a huge part of my life.  And I just wondered why we've created this society where we don't talk about this sort of thing openly and it's hushed up and why have I spent twenty years making excuses for my hang ups and odd behaviour when I could have just said, "This happened and it screwed me up".  Weird, isn't it?  Anyway, sent the email, slept for ten hours and woke up this morning feeling great!  Might actually go out today and have a go at talking to a real man rather than tapping on a screen, just to show myself that the world won't end if I say hello to someone I don't know.  I hope you get some pics without sunglasses through, G, it seems so funny to me that people do that

[Meh]

 Well you took action that is probably all that matters really.

Okay Cupid has advertisements for lip stick and ky jelly lol its kind of seedy. heheheh

[Hopalong]

Well, I've got a different thought. Doesn't mean it's a useful thought though!

I am thinking that rather than run screaming from this man-with-same-name-as-hideous-abuser-stepfather and renounce all men forthwith...
you deserve to OPEN UP your life and not let that f***ing stepfather own ONE MORE MOMENT of your precious birthright to happiness.

So I advocate, telling the nice-man-with-unfortunate-name--"This is hard to mention, but I had an abusive stepdad who shares your name.
Would it be okay if I called you...Billy?" (Or any ordinary nickname for his name.)

Then keep seeing him. And don't give up on the male half of the human race, most of whom bear zero resemblance to that a**h***.

Make any sense?

love,
Hops

[Twoapenny]

 Well you took action that is probably all that matters really.

Okay Cupid has advertisements for lip stick and ky jelly lol its kind of seedy. heheheh

Eeew that is gross   Not that those items aren't handy, obviously, but yeah, it does just make you think knocking shop rather than romantic attachment

[Twoapenny]

Well, I've got a different thought. Doesn't mean it's a useful thought though!

I am thinking that rather than run screaming from this man-with-same-name-as-hideous-abuser-stepfather and renounce all men forthwith...
you deserve to OPEN UP your life and not let that f***ing stepfather own ONE MORE MOMENT of your precious birthright to happiness.

So I advocate, telling the nice-man-with-unfortunate-name--"This is hard to mention, but I had an abusive stepdad who shares your name.
Would it be okay if I called you...Billy?" (Or any ordinary nickname for his name.)

Then keep seeing him. And don't give up on the male half of the human race, most of whom bear zero resemblance to that a**h***.

Make any sense?

love,
Hops

He never replied to my last email anyway Hopsie, the trouble I find is it isn't my head that's the problem but the physical effects - vomiting, panic attacks, palpitations and so on.  I get such an intense physical reaction in these situations that I just can't manage that and real life as well.  I'll get there in the end.  There's lots of blokes out there who don't remind me of him, but someone with the same name, just too much.  I started laughing as I typed this because the lady next door is outside screaming "shit, Brian, the lawnmower's on fire"   Life goes on xx

[Hopalong]

Oh, man.
I'm sorry hon. I didn't realize how intense the anxiety is.

I truly feel for you (had horrible panic attacks for years).

I hope a gentle fella appears sometime when you are ready and not a moment before.

love
Hops

[Meh]

 

[Twoapenny]

Oh, man.
I'm sorry hon. I didn't realize how intense the anxiety is.

I truly feel for you (had horrible panic attacks for years).

I hope a gentle fella appears sometime when you are ready and not a moment before.

love
Hops

((((((((Hops))))))))) Thank you, it's all good, I am definitely moving in the right direction, part of getting out there in the real world means coming into contact with triggers and I'm strong enough to manage it now, just not too much all the time but that will change.  I'm just doing what I can, when it gets a bit much I go back into my shell for a while, it is working and those intense periods of anxiety don't last as long now, it takes a lot more to trigger them (used to happen when I saw a truck like his and as he drives a very common vehicle that was very frequent!) and I know what's going on now so I just try to ride it out, but equally it makes sense not to go to overboard with it all!  I think the fact I was able to be honest about it is a big step in the right direction, there was a time when I'd have just shut down that account and not used it again (or not gone back to that place or visited that person depending on the situation).  I do find I can be a bit more direct now which is all good.

[Twoapenny]

 

I'm still chuckling about those adverts on OKCupid, G, what a world we live in   Have you spoken to any nice guys on there yet? x