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PR's new saga...

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sKePTiKal:
Oh Hopsy - you know I love you dearly. Politics does NOT touch and color everything about life for me, and I'm resisting the current "fashion" to make it so. It's the "I know best for you & you & you - and one size fits all - and you will do this because I'm smarter than all the rest of you" political, from the top down, attitude - instead of the freedom to live & let live and love each other BECAUSE we're different that gets my hackles up. Sort of Dr. King's comments about judging the character, not the appearance of a person. I grew up hoping that small gem of wisdom would help people help each other -- instead of tear them down. (And it still DOES work, IMO.)

LOL... I did end up talking to my mother. For the first time ever, I was chided for not calling her back - but it was late when we got home, so I had a built in excuse. She wasn't really interested in how I was doing - or Michael either really; just nosy... and so I changed the subject and asked her the question I've been rolling around in my head "What is the will to live and where does it come from?" She had to think a minute... hemmed & hawed... then finally said she lived to irritate all the people she hated. I heard, yet again, the switch flip from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde in her voice, too. WOW, is all I can think about that. What a waste. I sure wouldn't like myself much if that was my motivation... but to each his/her own.

Hubs seems to be turning a page on the lethargy and listlessness. Getting more engaged; eating whether he's hungry or if it tastes right or not -- but still not very much. There are throat issues going on, that after 2 weeks, I don't believe should still be chalked up to not smoking... or the results of the tube down his throat for the exploratory. Something else happening that we need to insist is checked out tomorrow. Swallowing is kinda essential to eating. Instead of jumping up and getting him a fresh drink, or snack - I'm insisting he does it to keep his circulation moving... to help him keep the balance and strength in his back & legs that he retains.

And I'm dreaming... sheesh! First, I dreamt I got a piece of mail for my dad's trust; it's been closed, done & over with for a couple of years. Then, I dreamed I was trying to run & hide from someone trying to shoot me... I would even change seats every so often in a restaurant - and my doing so, meant that someone else was shot... because there really WAS someone chasing me to kill me, for some reason. Trying to shake that one off, maybe another cup of coffee...

Thanks for your experiences guys. I am AFRAID of doing the walk alone... but I have done this before, and I am more competent at it than I truly believe. I truly believe that I am "too emotional", or "not consistent enough", or not able to set aside my emotions at the time I need to be totally rational... because that's what I've been told about myself; even though there is plenty of historical evidence to the contrary... and a whole group of people who believe something different about me. That's something I'm still trying to "let go"... because my brain says: it's not true... even tho' my emotions have been conditioned/programmed - to feel that way. Ain't perfect; but I've always been "good enough".

lighter:
sKeP:

I'm not glad you've done this dance before, but it's helpful, IME.
As tt said.... it would be good to see around corners in these situations.  I think experience gives us some ability to at least know some of the corners we're about to round, and that can mean a lot.

Amber, Your last paragraph resonated deeply with me.

The spaces between actions is rendered more sad, IME.  That space..... with so many chattering opinions around us, isn't comfortable.  It's lonely.  More so than it should be.

The Amazon bonfire is stacked, and waiting for your signal.

::sending prayers for M's restored immune system and healing::

Lighter
 

Hopalong:
Hell, yeah, you're good enough.

(((((((((((((((((((((PR))))))))))))))))))))))

love
Hops

lighter:
What Hops said, and.....

you're not alone.  We'll be here (((PR))).

Lighter

sKePTiKal:
Thanks, ladies.

It's..... interesting here. He is beginning to come "back" from his ruminations. And without "so many words", I know that we're both afraid of the same thing - going through this alone. So, well... we're not. He's going to have to lean on me and I'm gonna have to be there. And vice versa. His humor - as dark, sarcastic, and sick as mine - is back. And it's all starting to make sense to him - he doesn't have to pretend "it's only a flesh wound" - to protect me from the truth; I already know. And I haven't run shrieking away or looked to trade him in on a new model.

Only short time this morning, we have to be ready to hit the road in a couple of hours. There will plenty updates later. Our new friends here are rallying too. And his family as well. I'll just blurt this and explain later - but his D and son in law have separated and are going through a divorce. Both of them called yesterday, because SIL is a really good chap - just your average all-american country boy who lives to hunt and is an excellent father and the D was never able to explain what was wrong or why it came to this for her and I didn't feel I had standing to pin her down. So both are still welcome here; on their own or with the grandbabies. M talked to TJ a long time about our cabin in the Nat'l Forest and being able to sight deer from the front porch. I really think it helps him, talking to the kids. Yesterday was the first day his voice had improved, too.

Y'all know I'll be back later to blab for hours, after the "news" -- which I hope is detailed and explicit. Whatever kind it is.

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