Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

"Everything Doesn't Happen For A Reason"--essay on grieving

(1/4) > >>

Dr. Richard Grossman:
Hi everybody,

Here's a wonderful article on grieving, sent to me by a patient whose son died suddenly and tragically:

Everything Doesn't Happen For A Reason

OCTOBER 20, 2015

by Tim Lawrence

http://www.timjlawrence.com/blog/2015/10/19/everything-doesnt-happen-for-a-reason

All comments are welcome...


Richard

Hopalong:
Wow, what a shattering and liberating article.
The comments below it are just as valuable to read...so so so many voices.

Richard, the article also made me think I went too far in giving advice to Amber.

(((((((((PR))))))))), please forgive me for that if it was so for you. (Busted.)

Thanks, Doc G, for this amazing read.

love to all,
Hops

Meh:
I wonder if grief really is a cultural taboo. I mean it definitely seems like something a person does in private. It's sort of like using the toilet.

Well he used the words bullshit and jackass in his writings. I give him points for this. Benevolent masturbation is sort of, well I don't really know what that means.

The phrase "everything happens for a reason" is dismissive in some ways.  I think people say these things because they don't know how else to respond maybe.

I think everything does happen for a reason but maybe not a good or fair reason. Or maybe tragedy is outside of the real of an organized life.

Well I could say that I didn't really understand what people went through until I lost my brother.

Yesterday my co-worker asked me how I was and I told him "not happy" and then he asked why and I told him (it was work related). He then went on to tell me that it was my responsibility to change the situation and I got kinda of pissed at him. I wish people wouldn't ask me how I am if they don't really want me to answer them. Perhaps he doesn't like silence and wants to fill it up with pointless conversation. I don't know but it's annoying some of the phrases that exist.

sKePTiKal:
Hops - nope; you didn't go too far - you don't need forgiving either. There ain't a whole lot that offends me anymore. I'll either think "bless their heart" or "what an idiot" (no, not you Hops) and walk away.

Garbanzo: nail, meet head of hammer... you got it. Our society has such a taboo about death, that there are a million platitudes, euphemisms, and coping mechanisms built into "what you do" traditions... all intended (I think) for the later stages of processing grief - for when one is preparing to pick up the pieces and put their life back together again. There is some kind social shame about tears... well, I do have my private time with tears and my kitty. But there is enough celtic viking dna in my system, that I do give way to the banshee side of grief. For a little bit. Opening the floodgates seriously reduces the pressure inside that builds up and threatens to destroy the dam.

People simply aren't ready for your truthful responses Garbanzo. They are pretending to inquire (I'm sure you know this) in some social "dance" of everyone getting along, just one happy family... HA. On my end of experience, I've had to tell the cancer resource "navigator" - that all this "help" is damned overwhelming. We are tired; we just need to veg-out in front of the tv & puter... and just sit still for awhile. I did give her a bone; one suggestion that I know would help - which would be the ability to have someone with him while I get some hours outside working in the yard. Of course, he's not comfortable with a stranger, he told me so; so there's some negotiating there.

The author gets it. And while I'm guilty of using that phrase in situations... I can still see that he's right. Sometimes there just is no reason for things.

Boy can I identify with this:


--- Quote ---While so much loss has made me acutely aware and empathetic of the pains of others, it has made me more insular and predisposed to hide. I have a more cynical view of human nature, and a greater impatience with those who are unfamiliar with what loss does to people.

Above all, I've been left with a pervasive survivor’s guilt that has haunted me all my life. This guilt is really the genesis of my hiding, self-sabotage and brokenness.
--- End quote ---

I have to double check with myself, when I'm turning aside offers of help, that I'm not doing this. For the life of me, I don't KNOW what anyone can do to help. It's amazing what "doesn't matter" at times like these, you know? The weeds in the lawn, the half-finished projects, and fence boards falling down are almost expressions of what life is like, right now. 10 times a day, I think about calling the guy who said he'd be glad to come out with his crew and help me get the yard back in shape. 10 times a day, I think I'm not ready to let go of that task - I want to be able to do it myself - but I have not yet mastered the art of being in 2 places at once, despite all the practice attempts.

And I've been thinking about pulling out my bunny hat.

sKePTiKal:
One more thing I "saw" in this essay...

People say: "Everything happens for a reason" because it is comforting to them and so they hope it is, to the person grieving too. They can believe it, because their earliest experience of life was predictable - parents who were always there, a daily routine in life, absence of drama and upset and terror. Daily acknowledgement of their uniqueness as a person. Some of us have tried to create that for ourselves, but we know it's a fiction. A veneer that shines up the turd of randomness and arbitrary nature of real life. It's the little white lie we tell ourselves and show to others, to be accepted into the society of "normals".

And when their life goes topsy-turvy, is shattered... they are amazed that we can step right into that mess and do what needs doing. Because we've been there before; we know this place intimately -- even if we don't like it much at all.

A few people have said to me: I'm so sorry this is happening to YOU. As if my experience is so much more worthy of their attention than Mike's. Chances are they could read the confusion on my face. Why NOT me? Why NOT him? We're not "special"... we haven't paid our dues to the "get out of life without any sadness, struggle or tragedy" club. And we didn't win that lottery. Maybe that's also a case where things don't translate well -- maybe they intuit that we've been through a lot of these kinds of things and that came up on the roulette "wheel" of life again. And they're just fumbling for the words... I dunno. Maybe I'm just too stuck in my own experience to realize how terrified people are that this will happen to them too and they're just doing the best they can. Just like me -- but I have a lot more practice.

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page