Random Writing, do I have writer's block...? - ? + ? X ?

[Meh]

Do I have writers block. Am I depressed. Am I self absorbed. Am I lonely. Do I as too many questions. Am I trying enough. Am I working for myself. Am I giving up. Should I give up. Is it okay to accept lower physical health and chalk it up to age. Am I too tired. Am I sleeping enough. Am I too lonely. Am I lonely enough to be motivated. Am I afraid enough to be motivated. Do I want to be motivated. Do I want to be motivated by fear. Do I self censor too much. Do I like this song. Is this song anti feminist. Am I sick of love songs YES. Specifically country love songs. Have I ever fell in love to a country song NO. Am I drinking too much alcohol NO JUDGEMENT as I now allow myself to do what I enjoy. Is drinking ruining my complexion COFFEE is. Am I cold. Should I shut the window. Does the window open feel good. Should I take a nap. Should I read. Do I need glasses. Do I need an eye check up YES I AM WAY over due. Do I miss reading HELL YEAH. Am I assertive enough. AM I a bitch. Could I should I be more polite YES. Is it hard to be polite. Do I have the stamina to get what I need via politeness. Am I getting what  WANT  no. AM I getting what I need NO. Am I full YES do I keep eating YES. Can I help myself yes. Can I let myself GO. IS there any benefit to discipline SCREW YOU. Enter

Am I boring YES. AM I boring YES. AM I boring YES. AM I tired of listening to my own thoughts YES. I tell myself I am boring daily.

Was I late for work again YES. Do I feel guilty and stressed yes. Is it minor or major stress. Do I even know how stressed out I am. Do I know how to measure stress. Is it something anybody can measure. It's simmering I really believe so. Am I in control. I am forced to take responsibility for everything but I am not in control and the world doesn't want me to be. The word as if the universe cares. ENTER

this morning I was imagining my TO-DO list. It turned into a pair of shark's teeth and started opening and closing it's mouth, this was when I was on my way to work

My minutia is a huge part of my mental energy. It fills up my time and energy, it fills my thoughts. My little often repetitive thoughts fill up my loneliness. My mind is full. I am behind. Even when I make appointments and do the appointments they don't always go as planned. I have no control. I have no control. I have no control. I have no control. I have no control. I just feel like writing this over.

Am I an adult. AM I stunted. Am I legit. Am I left-overs. ENTER.. Take a break.

I have a cough that started today. I asked a foreign guy from a dating site to send me a photo of his chest. I am that pathetic. I am alone. Feel even worse. I feel unpicked. It's like the ultimate dodge ball. I am touchy about getting haircuts. My hair is the only thing anybody ever complements me on and currently I just got a haircut that I hate. I want to take a nap, I want to write. I don't know why I want to write. If I don't write I can't keep track of my own thoughts. Do I need to keep track of my thoughts. A guy from a dating site told me to get medication. They he asked to meet me for coffee- I don't think he is attracted. I don't even think he looks intelligent. It looks like a goofy cartoon behind a human mask. I think about being a mask. I wish I had friends that I was a human around without a mask. Do I even have a mask. I lose track of myself, I listen to customers all day long. My back is a little sore. I don't stretch. ENTER I have boogers welling up in my throat, Enter now. I know I have cold medicine pills somewhere. when am I going to push enter.  Dudes my age on dating sites can just now decide they want to start a family. I never wanted one yet I am hateful that it's unfair. Males and females biological timelines. Censoring self.

Almost all guys on dating sites post old photos where they were less bald and more skinny. I Always feel physically not good enough. I want to insert the word to make it say I almost always feel physically underrated. My toes are cold I want to get under covers. It's not late. something in the air smells like burning bergamot n?

[Twoapenny]

G, my brain has been full of jumbled, endless, back to back thoughts like that for so many years.  I've been going through old diaries and sometimes there are pages of streams of consciousness, no punctuation, no pauses, the topic changes endlessly, the handwriting changes, as does the style and the vocabulary.  I have struggled with it all for so long and I've recently found a couple of letters I wrote while I was in therapy and to be honest I think I'm lucky my T didn't phone a doctor straight away because they're verging on scary.  I've found in the past that the 'jumble' is hiding/covering up big, important stuff, painful stuff that needs to come out but that I don't want to/can't face.  Things are better now than they used to be.  Complementary therapies have helped me - they're not for everyone but I've found acupuncture very helpful and the osteopath puts my back back together for me every couple of months.  I just mention it in case it might be something to look into.  With hindsight these 'intense' phases for me have always precluded periods of shift and change.  Hard to do.  Hard to manage.


(((((((((((((((((((((((((G))))))))))))))))))))))))) x

[Hopalong]

Well, I think you're just a poet, Boat. Maybe ADD too? (My go-to bonding category...)

Welcome to the think-like-a-butterfly club.

But you are NOT boring, and that's a lousy inner mantra. Hope you'll fight back.

love
Hops

[Meh]

Hi Hops 

[Meh]

I'm just feeling sad and lonely. Finishing my tea and going to sleep. Just sitting alone on Friday, it's what I normally do.

[Meh]

I have a flu or cold that started two days ago. On my period. Have no plans for the weekend. Dealing with a new haircut that is the opposite of what I asked for, wondering when it's going to grow out again.

I'm on the verge of telling myself that I am depressed yet what if it's just feeling physically unwell or slighted and bored and unimportant and lonely.

[sKePTiKal]

Hey G... why do we have to (always) put a name to how we are? what we feel? does giving it a name make us feel more in control of it? make it lift away to leave.... what?.... behind?

Why not, once in a while, just feel the way we feel... and be "in the feeling"... and not outside it, trying to measure it, define & analyze it, until we can finally pin that butterfly to a board? Just for something different, you understand. If that is too freaky or weird or useless, a person can always go back to the "usual". It has helped down here, for me to give myself permission to have a day like that. To just drift from feeling to feeling - feeling it - and not recording it, x-raying it, or anything. I prepare for a day like this by making sure I have food I like to eat, something to read/watch - movies are still best for me - my favorite lounge clothes and fuzzy slippers... then I promise myself to let both phones go to voicemail... and just be a slug.

I haven't done the bubble bath thing yet. The last few times I tried that, I felt silly. Like, who would enjoy this and find it relaxing? Same with standing meditation or tai chi; instead of helping it just adds self-conscious embarassment as one more thing swirling around in the feeling symphony. I honestly don't know how that feeling is attached to these things (and some others) and maybe I could play detective and follow the clues until I found the origin of this association... but who's got time for that?! LOL...

So, I've pretty much decided those feelings are associated with old tapes in my head and well, tapes are obsolete now. They were always a mess anyway when they'd catch on something and become tangled knots of coated cellophane. I think I'm going to try just deciding to tell those old tapes to piss off, and send them flying back first-class on a hypersonic, warp-speed rocket into the past... and JUST TRY SOMETHING DIFFERENT. Intentionally. Because the old crap just doesn't work for me anymore.

And if that doesn't feel any better... I'm sure the old crap will jump right up and announce "told ya so".

LOL.

[Meh]

Friend, I feel like I have lost track of time, goals, life, my purpose.  This is what I just wrote to somebody on Skype.

[Meh]

Woke up, called in sick, probably could have gone in but I have been sick all weekend. Need an extra day off. It's a cold or a flu. I feel like I want time to come back to myself, find myself again. I'm probably not going to do it by "staying home" here. Even to just express the need or desire to come back to myself, gain a personal equilibrium. Well that sounds cliche but anyhow it's the gist of it. I've gotten really off track. I have no goals. I probably haven't haven't had much of a goal since 2008. I mean I did have goals. Sneezes. Having some coffee. The thing is sometimes even getting an item or goal off of a to-do list doesn't go smoothly, sometimes we do our side of the bargain but those we hire to do their side as an expert can fail, I mean we can take a care in to get it fixed doesn't mean it actually does get fixed.

Is accomplishing a to-do list really where it's at. I mean it's representative of trying to change, trying to take action. Somehow it might not be the ultimate litmus test.

I hate to use the term "lost" as it's not really a feeling I identify with. Or it's not something that I wish to identify with however it does come up. I could say that my personal life, my personality feels severely downgraded. I'm not the person I used to be. I am not passionate about hobbies anymore, I don't really feed them. Most of it I attribute to fear and finances.

I think I over use my eyes at work and then just being lonely surfing the net. I miss reading, I feel it enriched my life.

The sun is coming up and shining against wet pine trees out my window. Was going to take a photo of it but Windows 10 is doing strange things to my laptop and its leading down a path of trouble shooting, although educational... its now what I want to be doing.

I'm simultaneously writing on here but also a personal journal lol - I guess this place isn't exactly a journal but I use it that way.  

Could say that maybe just my habits have changed slowly over time. Also maybe my attitude. And maybe I blame it on age wrongfully or rightfully blame it on the process of time. Not everybody is like this though.

Suppose I am good at not comparing myself to others but if I did, and I am getting a glimmer of it, I would probably feel 100 times worse about myself.

[Hopalong]

Sounds so understandable to me, Boat.
It has/is taking me actual years to recover from a brutal decade+ of stress and losses,
and your situation was worse and your job worse and your losses are fresher.

Mercy.

And, it also sounds like clinical depression, not that I can diagnose.

I hear you, and also imagine that I hear the sound of isolation.
So that's the cure I think of. People, 3-D, some form of joining....

I don't know what it would do or not do. Can't imagine nothing.

Big comforting hugs,
Hops

[Meh]

I've pretty much never dating my whole life apart from like A VERY short round of it in my mid 20's, I guess it was due to perhaps a higher self esteem and maybe some self-delusion.

Now I'm in my late 30's believe it or not. "  "Extremely "insecure"  "    I don't know, over quoting because maybe the insecurity is justified.

I'm very lonely, used to it as normal. I'm a little sad that I am more comfortable being lonely and alone as compared to being faced with meeting new people and facing basically rejection. Or just a different level of fear. i think I fear that strangers will confirm that I am not worthy of being loved or something like that, I'm probably not explaining it well.

I've been spending time on a dating site. Some guys have asked me out on a date, I'm not too excited. I should feel excited right!?!?!  Yeah I should.

So I look at dating profiles and then I don't go on dates, it's really sucking energy and wasting time but at its core maybe I really do want to meet somebody.

I've been chatting with some guy who lives in Finland which is nuts because I'm not going there, we are not compatible yet we chat a lot. Obviously I need to move beyond chatting with guys in foreign countries, how more removed could I possibly be?

[Meh]

Having a beer and a salad, Wishing there was more time in a day.