Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
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Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Garbanzo on November 16, 2015, 01:23:56 AM ---:)
--- End quote ---
Thanks, G :D x
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on November 17, 2015, 01:30:46 PM ---To me it is soooo impressive when someone who knows they engage in passive-aggressive
behavior owns that. And tries to change it.
Seriously. I think that is a wickedly subtle little pattern that shames us when we spot it in
ourselves so there's much more motivation to NOT see it, much less own it.
Respect!
hugs
Hops
--- End quote ---
Thanks, Hops. It is a pretty horrible thing to engage in and I do feel ashamed to admit that sometimes I do. That said, I also struggle to see the difference between passive aggressive behaviour and behaviour that is just passive, if that makes sense. There are times when I say nothing because I can't handle the fall out so I keep quiet but I silently seethe. I'm not sure if that's passive or passive aggressive? Sense would suggest it's better to be open and say "I'm annoyed about x because of y" but past experience has taught me this doesn't usually go well and I don't have many friends any more so I'm scared of losing the few I have. So yep, more thinking on my part. There are times when I don't do something because I just feel like I can't be bothered. Sometimes I think it's passive aggressive, sometimes I think I just can't be bothered :) I find it hard to know where the distinctions lie. I do feel I'm on the receiving end of passive aggressive behaviour sometimes but then I wonder if I read too much into situations and over think things. Like now :) Anyway, yes, will be paying more attention to self from now on and trying to get things a little bit more levelled out. Thank you xx
Twoapenny:
I find Christmas so stressful that my tolerance levels just drop through the floor and I can't be bothered with other people and their nonsense. I start feeling like I'm being mugged off and taken advantage of. I so very badly don't want to become bitter and suspicious of everyone and to see bad in the things that people do but sometimes it seems that I'm being taken advantage of and I should be more vigilent and protect myself more. It's often little things and I don't know why I get so wound up about them sometimes. A friend came round yesterday, stayed too long - how do you politely ask someone to go home? I struggle with that. He brought his dog who's a lovely pooch, from a rescue centre and such a sweetheart (he always makes me think of your pooch, Hops). I'm happy to welcome other people's pets/children/elderly relatives or whoever they might have with them into my home and I don't keep it like a showhome so I'm not fussed about a bit of mess or destruction but by the time the tree had come over, the water had been knocked over the floor, a bowl broken and then both the dog and my friend howling (!) I had had enough. Lent some money to another friend who was too skint to fix his car which would have meant he couldn't get to work; the money isn't a problem, it wasn't a lot and it's from a savings account that I won't be using until next Spring so there is no rush to have it back and it genuinely wasn't an issue but each time I've seen him since he's telling me about the large sums he's been spending and I find myself wondering why he needed the loan? I don't know if I'm frightened of being used and so see it where it doesn't actually exist or if I'm just ashamed of being lonely and spending time with people rather than being by myself. Ramble, ramble, ramble, my head's everywhere at the moment, we had a lovely day yesterday and yesterday evening spoilt it. I wish I was a bit more resilient and a bit less sensitive to other people sometimes. I feel like I keep cutting myself off from the world because I can't cope with it.
lighter:
I dunno, Tupp:
I think it's healthy to prefer your own company at times.
I also think being very choosy, about who you spend your time with, is prudent.
About being assertive, and getting more of what you want out of relationships..... it's OK to tell people what your needs are, esp if you ask them what they feel they need too. Friends feed each other. They want everyone to get their needs met. That's what friends do.
If a friend has a problem with you getting what you need, then they probably aren't friend material, IMO.
I think it's problematic to talk about difficult things for those of us not used to feeling worthy, or those of us dealing with trauma bonded individuals who made us feel guilty, punished us, or harmed us if we expressed our true feelings, or needs.
By the time we bring it up we're emotionally overwrought, have trouble expressing ourselves in a calm matter of fact tone, and have no expectation our needs will be met likely..... when we're angry we tend to transfer aggression, not problem solve efficiently, IME. Being defensive isn't productive either.
If we address the little things proactively, without letting them build up and overwhelm us, we might skirt a lot of the trouble and turmoil, IME. Not always, but that's my take on it.
I'm sorry your night was ruined. Sometime you just gotta say.... "OK, I'm beat, I need some alone time, bye." It might sound bad. It might feel bad to say it. It might even hurt someone's feelings, but..... suffering when you don't have to isn't a good choice either, IMO.
((((Tupp))))
Hug your son for me,
Lighter
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: lighter on December 16, 2015, 11:34:04 PM ---I dunno, Tupp:
I think it's healthy to prefer your own company at times.
I also think being very choosy, about who you spend your time with, is prudent.
About being assertive, and getting more of what you want out of relationships..... it's OK to tell people what your needs are, esp if you ask them what they feel they need too. Friends feed each other. They want everyone to get their needs met. That's what friends do.
If a friend has a problem with you getting what you need, then they probably aren't friend material, IMO.
I think it's problematic to talk about difficult things for those of us not used to feeling worthy, or those of us dealing with trauma bonded individuals who made us feel guilty, punished us, or harmed us if we expressed our true feelings, or needs.
By the time we bring it up we're emotionally overwrought, have trouble expressing ourselves in a calm matter of fact tone, and have no expectation our needs will be met likely..... when we're angry we tend to transfer aggression, not problem solve efficiently, IME. Being defensive isn't productive either.
If we address the little things proactively, without letting them build up and overwhelm us, we might skirt a lot of the trouble and turmoil, IME. Not always, but that's my take on it.
I'm sorry your night was ruined. Sometime you just gotta say.... "OK, I'm beat, I need some alone time, bye." It might sound bad. It might feel bad to say it. It might even hurt someone's feelings, but..... suffering when you don't have to isn't a good choice either, IMO.
((((Tupp))))
Hug your son for me,
Lighter
--- End quote ---
Thanks, Lighter :)
I think sometimes it's just living alone, there's no-one to grumble to it about or even just roll your eyes whilst it's going on, there's a sort of need to decompress sometimes that isn't easy to do by yourself. Tiredness plays a part, I've realised that this week, my mood really dips if I haven't had a decent amount of sleep and I do tend to leap out of bed the minute I wake up ('leap' might be exaggerating a bit!) so I am making a real effort now to spend eight hours in my bed, even if I'm awake, just to try and get back into that habit of getting regular sleep and not constantly rushing around. Christmas is extra pressure anyway, we're in the baking (and eating!) phase now which I do enjoy so that's eased back a bit. It's all learning a little bit more isn't it, new boundaries, practise, fall back a bit, get a bit too comfy and make allowances, get annoyed, put boundaries back up. I think sometimes it's just standards as well, isn't it, I treat other people's homes nicely whatever sort of state of tidiness they may or may not be in so I just assume others will do the same and not everyone does. I do value alone time but sometimes it's just too much. I think it's been more than ten years now since I've been in a relationship or had a tight group of friends nearby and I'm starting to feel the effects, I think. Still hoping to move closer to friends, hopefully next year.
Hug gratefully received and sent back as well! Hope the Christmas preparation is going well xx
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