Learning, Growing, Changing, Moving on, Moving Forward

[Twoapenny]

Things are shifting a lot for me at the moment; it's good but it hurts and sometimes it's really hard.  The more I grow the more layers come off, the deeper the pain gets sometimes, but sometimes there is joy there as well and those moments are amazing.  My son's health really seems to be improving at the moment; this is a really good thing but I always find as he goes through a good spell my own issues start to surface again so I have this funny dual life where I'm happy because he's doing better but feel moments of real pain and loss for other things, some to do with him, some to do with me.  Fortunately he is sleeping pretty well at the minute so I am getting quiet time where I can just sit and think, or cry, or write, or dance around the kitchen, depending on how I feel.

I cried this morning because I miss my mum.  Not my actual mum, the drunk, crazy lady who never stops complaining or lying or manipulating the people around her to do what she wants, but the mum I think I have wanted all my life, the one that just loves me and accepts me, picks me up in her arms and hugs me.  I think there are emotional connections between parents and children - good or bad - that you pick up on without words or actions.  For a long time now I have felt like my mum is stopping me from being happy; it's like she exerts a force field that stops other people getting to me and rescuing me from her.  I felt it when I was younger and I was being abused; so many people could have noticed and stopped him, or even just been there for me to have some support but no-one ever did.  And that feeling has never really gone away; I feel like I'm always invisible in a crowd of people who don't notice how much it hurts or even that I'm there.  Grief, I suppose, for a life that never got lived and a hard one that had to be endured.  I feel so lonely at the minute; I think there are times when you just need someone who can hold you and 'get' you without you needing to speak or explain yourself.  I wonder how much of my life I have made harder for myself by putting up walls to keep people out and keep the pain away - necessary walls, but walls that held out good people as well as bad.  I don't seem to attract new people into my life; I feel cut off and distanced from people.  The thought of being intimate really scares me.  Too vulnerable, too much possibility of pain, not enough possibility of it being anything else, perhaps?

I am trying to focus on good things, positive things, and they are there, there's no doubt about that.  But sometimes they just highlight the pain and the loss even more strongly, I get a glimpse of what life could be like, could have been like and I feel so sad that it wasn't and it isn't.  I am trying to do without my distractions and my fixing behaviour of always being busy, drinking coffee, eating more than I need to and so on and I am doing pretty well but obviously that means the pain comes up instead.  Which I know is a good thing, it needs to come out.  But sometimes I just wish I could get to a point where there wasn't any more to come out, where I didn't have to dig any deeper to try and figure out what was going on.

Anyway, just needed to spill.  Lots of love xx

[Hopalong]

What a huge amount of insight, (((((((((((Tupp)))))))))).

I'm really sorry for all the sorrow. I can so understand why you isolate.
I have a friend, almost 70, who's been alone in a country house for ages.
Recently she connected with a first-love...and they just spent the night holding each other.
Too tired and "rusty" to have sex (yet)--but they are so happy to have that comfort.

Her inner girl is still there and still feeling hope. His weary boy is getting excited about
taking her to football games. (Which she doesn't enjoy but will enjoy with him, she says.)
It's a sweet and hopeful thing to hear about.

I have another friend in her 60s who is obsessed with her hatred and hurt she feels
for her abusive, Nmother. She is struggling so hard to make breakthroughs and stop feeling
as though her psyche circles her mother all the time. Very much as you describe, she feels
actively hated by her mother and now it just struggling to understand why. (Her mother's
own damage from her own childhood, carrying down the generations.)

It is so sad to see the hurt inner children in women my age and yet such a relief to see
how one by one, they begin to have insights and find peace.

Another friend of mine has very severe clinical depression. I have nagged her for ages to
try an SAD light and now, finally, she has. I had to go over and help her set it up and get
the angle right and she was in that mix of horribly depressed and anxious at the same time.
I went there before work yesterday and got a call last evening and she was
nearly giddy with relief. Laughing, lightness in her voice. She'd sat there for an hour and
for the first time in many many weeks she could feel a change. Her depression lifted.

It sounded like a miracle to me. The light treatment is amazing. I wonder if it's dark-ish
where you live? She is in a townhouse (others on each side) so her place only has natural
light coming in at the front and back. The interior's fairly dark. Doesn't help depression,
especially in winter.

There's a whole lot of letting go to do, and healing. It sounds to me as though you're grieving
so honestly now. Not deflecting it. And recognizing the consequences of different choices you've
made and had to make.

There are POSITIVE consequences too, to having insights, and grieving freely, and making
other choices. Experiment and allow mistakes. Self-love, self-forgiveness, self-compassion.

I think your post shows a lot of that and this is very encouraging.

love to you
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Hi Hops,

Thanks for that.  I love the story of your friend and her first love finding each other again and just enjoying that closeness.  What a wonderful way to be, and to be able to really enjoy and appreciate it after all those years of living alone.  I can identify very much!  I hope your other friend works her way through it all, there's so much, isn't there?  And I understand what you say about carrying it on through the generations.  I know my mum was abused; I know how badly she's been treated by men, how much she's abused herself with alcohol over the years and I think in her own way her behaviour is how she pushes people away so that she controls the situation instead of having to deal with them abandoning her.  I'm in contact with my younger sister again, after a ten year separation, and my mum is still behaving exactly as she always did, despite the fact that she's lost so many people now.  I suppose if we find something that works - however destructive it is - we stick to it.  Which is probably why I'm trying so hard now to get rid of my own self destructive behaviour, even though it's much less and much less obvious than it used to be.  I do need to deal with my tendency toward passive aggressive behaviour, which is something I find very difficult to admit I engage in, but I know I do and I know I need to find ways to deal with things differently.  I have got better at being more relaxed towards friends and accepting that they don't need to be perfect in order to be my friend.  I am finding it harder to accept I don't need to be perfect in order to be my own friend   Easier to work on other people than it is on ourselves.  I do wonder sometimes if the anger and the pain and dealing with my whole family situation gave me something to anchor onto sometimes, and an excuse for not doing things at others.  I want to work on that a bit more, deal with my procrastination, get on with enjoying life more easily.  I still feel scared that if things get good someone will stop it again so I need to work on that.  So many opportunities out there.  I was reading about the bombings in Paris and I read your post about that as well and I thought to myself, do you know, the best way to make sense of this crazy world that we live in, that carries so much hate and hurt and anger, might just be to squeeze every last drop of joy and happiness out of life it it's at all possible that I can?  I can't change the mindset of people who want to kill, or protect everyone from that, but I can work on changing myself.  Making my life count, I suppose.

Anyway.  Enough thinking for today.  Time for a coffee and some cloud watching.  Love to you.  I hope your Parisian friends are all safe xx

[Meh]

[Hopalong]

To me it is soooo impressive when someone who knows they engage in passive-aggressive
behavior owns that. And tries to change it.

Seriously. I think that is a wickedly subtle little pattern that shames us when we spot it in
ourselves so there's much more motivation to NOT see it, much less own it.

Respect!

hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Thanks, G     x

[Twoapenny]

To me it is soooo impressive when someone who knows they engage in passive-aggressive
behavior owns that. And tries to change it.

Seriously. I think that is a wickedly subtle little pattern that shames us when we spot it in
ourselves so there's much more motivation to NOT see it, much less own it.

Respect!

hugs
Hops

Thanks, Hops.  It is a pretty horrible thing to engage in and I do feel ashamed to admit that sometimes I do.  That said, I also struggle to see the difference between passive aggressive behaviour and behaviour that is just passive, if that makes sense.  There are times when I say nothing because I can't handle the fall out so I keep quiet but I silently seethe.  I'm not sure if that's passive or passive aggressive?  Sense would suggest it's better to be open and say "I'm annoyed about x because of y" but past experience has taught me this doesn't usually go well and I don't have many friends any more so I'm scared of losing the few I have.  So yep, more thinking on my part.  There are times when I don't do something because I just feel like I can't be bothered.  Sometimes I think it's passive aggressive, sometimes I think I just can't be bothered   I find it hard to know where the distinctions lie.  I do feel I'm on the receiving end of passive aggressive behaviour sometimes but then I wonder if I read too much into situations and over think things.  Like now   Anyway, yes, will be paying more attention to self from now on and trying to get things a little bit more levelled out.  Thank you xx

[Twoapenny]

I find Christmas so stressful that my tolerance levels just drop through the floor and I can't be bothered with other people and their nonsense.  I start feeling like I'm being mugged off and taken advantage of.  I so very badly don't want to become bitter and suspicious of everyone and to see bad in the things that people do but sometimes it seems that I'm being taken advantage of and I should be more vigilent and protect myself more.  It's often little things and I don't know why I get so wound up about them sometimes. A friend came round yesterday, stayed too long - how do you politely ask someone to go home?  I struggle with that.  He brought his dog who's a lovely pooch, from a rescue centre and such a sweetheart (he always makes me think of your pooch, Hops).  I'm happy to welcome other people's pets/children/elderly relatives or whoever they might have with them into my home and I don't keep it like a showhome so I'm not fussed about a bit of mess or destruction but by the time the tree had come over, the water had been knocked over the floor, a bowl broken and then both the dog and my friend howling (!) I had had enough.  Lent some money to another friend who was too skint to fix his car which would have meant he couldn't get to work; the money isn't a problem, it wasn't a lot and it's from a savings account that I won't be using until next Spring so there is no rush to have it back and it genuinely wasn't an issue but each time I've seen him since he's telling me about the large sums he's been spending and I find myself wondering why he needed the loan?  I don't know if I'm frightened of being used and so see it where it doesn't actually exist or if I'm just ashamed of being lonely and spending time with people rather than being by myself.  Ramble, ramble, ramble, my head's everywhere at the moment, we had a lovely day yesterday and yesterday evening spoilt it.  I wish I was a bit more resilient and a bit less sensitive to other people sometimes.  I feel like I keep cutting myself off from the world because I can't cope with it.

[lighter]

I dunno, Tupp:

I think it's healthy to prefer your own company at times. 

I also think being very choosy, about who you spend your time with, is prudent.

About being assertive, and getting more of what you want out of relationships..... it's OK to tell people what your needs are, esp if you ask them what they feel they need too.  Friends feed each other.  They want everyone to get their needs met.  That's what friends do. 

If a friend has a problem with you getting what you need, then they probably aren't friend material, IMO.

I think it's problematic to talk about difficult things for those of us not used to feeling worthy, or those of us dealing with trauma bonded individuals who made us feel guilty, punished us, or harmed us if we expressed our true feelings, or needs.

By the time we bring it up we're emotionally overwrought, have trouble expressing ourselves in a calm matter of fact tone, and have no expectation our needs will be met likely..... when we're angry we tend to transfer aggression, not problem solve efficiently, IME.  Being defensive isn't productive either.

If we address the little things proactively, without letting them build up and overwhelm us, we might skirt a lot of the trouble and turmoil, IME.  Not always, but that's my take on it.

I'm sorry your night was ruined.  Sometime you just gotta say.... "OK, I'm beat, I need some alone time, bye."  It might sound bad.  It might feel bad to say it.  It might even hurt someone's feelings, but..... suffering when you don't have to isn't a good choice either, IMO.

((((Tupp)))) 

Hug your son for me,
Lighter

[Twoapenny]

I dunno, Tupp:

I think it's healthy to prefer your own company at times. 

I also think being very choosy, about who you spend your time with, is prudent.

About being assertive, and getting more of what you want out of relationships..... it's OK to tell people what your needs are, esp if you ask them what they feel they need too.  Friends feed each other.  They want everyone to get their needs met.  That's what friends do. 

If a friend has a problem with you getting what you need, then they probably aren't friend material, IMO.

I think it's problematic to talk about difficult things for those of us not used to feeling worthy, or those of us dealing with trauma bonded individuals who made us feel guilty, punished us, or harmed us if we expressed our true feelings, or needs.

By the time we bring it up we're emotionally overwrought, have trouble expressing ourselves in a calm matter of fact tone, and have no expectation our needs will be met likely..... when we're angry we tend to transfer aggression, not problem solve efficiently, IME.  Being defensive isn't productive either.

If we address the little things proactively, without letting them build up and overwhelm us, we might skirt a lot of the trouble and turmoil, IME.  Not always, but that's my take on it.

I'm sorry your night was ruined.  Sometime you just gotta say.... "OK, I'm beat, I need some alone time, bye."  It might sound bad.  It might feel bad to say it.  It might even hurt someone's feelings, but..... suffering when you don't have to isn't a good choice either, IMO.

((((Tupp)))) 

Hug your son for me,
Lighter

Thanks, Lighter

I think sometimes it's just living alone, there's no-one to grumble to it about or even just roll your eyes whilst it's going on, there's a sort of need to decompress sometimes that isn't easy to do by yourself.  Tiredness plays a part, I've realised that this week, my mood really dips if I haven't had a decent amount of sleep and I do tend to leap out of bed the minute I wake up ('leap' might be exaggerating a bit!) so I am making a real effort now to spend eight hours in my bed, even if I'm awake, just to try and get back into that habit of getting regular sleep and not constantly rushing around.  Christmas is extra pressure anyway, we're in the baking (and eating!) phase now which I do enjoy so that's eased back a bit.  It's all learning a little bit more isn't it, new boundaries, practise, fall back a bit, get a bit too comfy and make allowances, get annoyed, put boundaries back up.  I think sometimes it's just standards as well, isn't it, I treat other people's homes nicely whatever sort of state of tidiness they may or may not be in so I just assume others will do the same and not everyone does.  I do value alone time but sometimes it's just too much.  I think it's been more than ten years now since I've been in a relationship or had a tight group of friends nearby and I'm starting to feel the effects, I think.  Still hoping to move closer to friends, hopefully next year.

Hug gratefully received and sent back as well!  Hope the Christmas preparation is going well xx

[sKePTiKal]

Hey Tupp... I think I know what you're talking about.

Attachment issues, needing connection - feeling "safe" around someone; safe enough to express emotions without being the emotion... and the crazy expectations of the holidays is a really powerful mix. My new "relationship status" is giving me a whole look from another vantage point on all that again.

I've never really lived alone. I tried once - and well, it was just much better to accept Michael's invitations than to face and deal with myself at that time. I was a hot mess with a dose of menopause on top. And while it wasn't a perfect relationship, it was by far the best one I've had to date. I truly felt loved most of the time; I felt confident loving back... and now, I wonder if I'll ever be in that kind of relationship again. It was something really new to me, to experience that. True, I needed time away from him and we weren't ever able to sort that out in a way that worked. So I just caved and we went almost everywhere together -- and he complained when I'd send him the mile to the grocery store by himself; he missed me and it wasn't as much fun as me going with him. When he was sick, I felt I couldn't be gone for any length of time - each moment was important; even if I was just watching him sleep. So many times, it seemed that's all he wanted of me, too.

People try to apply their blueprints of needs/wants to what you and I "should" want & need - thinking, I dunno - that because it's what they've always done or enjoyed, that it's normal and would "be good for us". Maybe it would be; sometimes. I've mostly just learned how to gracefully, but firmly decline invitations. But I've also realized that it's not really good for me to isolate myself so much -- even though right now, my emotions are still a tad volatile, unexpectedly. (Our club posted pictures of Mike on FB and that set me off crying and on a pain jag for 2 days; and I was angry too... but ultimately, it felt good to let all that out; it was a good thing they did.)

I am getting out and taking care of business. I'm not exactly pursuing anything "fun" at the moment - and maybe I should. I've remembered that it's OK to ask other people about themselves, their lives and feelings... that this is how people DO have relationships, duh... but it's hard for me to go where we'd both go and I can't tell another single person that he's died right now. I had to write to our old neighbors, that we were good friends with. And a school office mate that lost his wife in March.

I can't tell when I'm asking too much of myself, sometimes. Sometimes a person can just plow through that, and it's no big deal; but if the self-care has slacked off -- and hey, being a vegetable in front of a good movie can be self-care, there's no absolute definition -- even things you'd normally enjoy can be wearing. We have to learn to be as understanding of ourselves, give ourselves as much slack -- as though we're the people (real or fictional) who truly do love us. And just be there to watch ourselves sleep and keep ourselves safe.

[Twoapenny]

Hey Tupp... I think I know what you're talking about.

Attachment issues, needing connection - feeling "safe" around someone; safe enough to express emotions without being the emotion... and the crazy expectations of the holidays is a really powerful mix. My new "relationship status" is giving me a whole look from another vantage point on all that again.

I've never really lived alone. I tried once - and well, it was just much better to accept Michael's invitations than to face and deal with myself at that time. I was a hot mess with a dose of menopause on top. And while it wasn't a perfect relationship, it was by far the best one I've had to date. I truly felt loved most of the time; I felt confident loving back... and now, I wonder if I'll ever be in that kind of relationship again. It was something really new to me, to experience that. True, I needed time away from him and we weren't ever able to sort that out in a way that worked. So I just caved and we went almost everywhere together -- and he complained when I'd send him the mile to the grocery store by himself; he missed me and it wasn't as much fun as me going with him. When he was sick, I felt I couldn't be gone for any length of time - each moment was important; even if I was just watching him sleep. So many times, it seemed that's all he wanted of me, too.

People try to apply their blueprints of needs/wants to what you and I "should" want & need - thinking, I dunno - that because it's what they've always done or enjoyed, that it's normal and would "be good for us". Maybe it would be; sometimes. I've mostly just learned how to gracefully, but firmly decline invitations. But I've also realized that it's not really good for me to isolate myself so much -- even though right now, my emotions are still a tad volatile, unexpectedly. (Our club posted pictures of Mike on FB and that set me off crying and on a pain jag for 2 days; and I was angry too... but ultimately, it felt good to let all that out; it was a good thing they did.)

I am getting out and taking care of business. I'm not exactly pursuing anything "fun" at the moment - and maybe I should. I've remembered that it's OK to ask other people about themselves, their lives and feelings... that this is how people DO have relationships, duh... but it's hard for me to go where we'd both go and I can't tell another single person that he's died right now. I had to write to our old neighbors, that we were good friends with. And a school office mate that lost his wife in March.

I can't tell when I'm asking too much of myself, sometimes. Sometimes a person can just plow through that, and it's no big deal; but if the self-care has slacked off -- and hey, being a vegetable in front of a good movie can be self-care, there's no absolute definition -- even things you'd normally enjoy can be wearing. We have to learn to be as understanding of ourselves, give ourselves as much slack -- as though we're the people (real or fictional) who truly do love us. And just be there to watch ourselves sleep and keep ourselves safe.

True and wise words, PR, and at a time of such difficulty for you, and today has been spent pottering around doing a bit of Christmas baking interspersed with catching up on a box set that's been sitting there for months without me getting a chance to get into it.  I think part of my current problem is that I live in the area I grew up and the person I was twenty odd years ago isn't the person I am now so I just don't feel great with those old 'friends' any more.  My attempts to make new ones haven't gone too well; I seem to live in an area with a lot of racists and people who just generally have views very different to mine so day to day chit chat is fine but I really crave those long, lengthy conversations that go deep, and then funny, through to sad, bit too much wine, back to funny again, with someone that I really trust and can be me with.  I think that's a big thing, I often feel I can only be me when I'm on my own.  I'm still overly concerned with how I come across to others and I've tried so hard to get over that as the years have gone by but it's still there and it catches me out from time to time.  Really hoping we can move next year and that will help a lot, I feel, I still feel like I'm being watched constantly here.

Self care is different depending on what you need at the time, isn't it?  I think sometimes an afternoon curled up with a film, a box of chocs and the cat is exactly what the doctor ordered.  Love to you xx

[sKePTiKal]

Funny how it seems we are on parallel paths with different people, at different times - and yet that deep need for connecting persists. I was just thinking, last night and this morning, that:

I've always known myself as one half of a relationship with a guy... within that context; and I wonder how much his personality and the actual relationship impacted who I was - the old chameleon effect was strong for a long, long time with me...

and to find a time when I was not in a relationship; and yet was still my "self" - old enough to be one, anyway - I'd have to go back to when I was 16. Post-Twiggy; not a mom yet; old enough to be responsible for myself... but nothing was engraved in neural path stone about how and who I was.

Now, I might be able find traces of that self - but time and experience do mold us, like wind & water on even granite. So it wouldn't authentic to try to be that "me" from 16 again. Probably wouldn't be real attractive either! LOL Going on 60, and trying to just be a whole person by myself - without having a space in me for a relationship; someone else as part of my life - for the first time... is kinda scary and refreshing and an adventure. I keep trying to use more positive connotation words for the same feeling (still)... excitement, anticipation... over anxiety and dread... LOL.

So it's like a good kind of identity crisis. Just like the one teenagers have. Hopefully without all the drama!! And hormones!! 

The one thing I'm trying to do, during this phase of "adjustment" is to listen for and be open and to observe what characteristics and adjectives come up about who I am now. It's a discovery; not trying to fit into anyone's pattern - no imposition of "shoulda, woulda, coulda" - and that requires solitude. Other people have their own ideas about who I am, what I should consider and do. I have to listen for the beat of that "other drummer" that only I can hear. My rhythm.

It's the only thing that keeps the restlessness, the OCDness, etc to a tolerable level. I feel like I'm bursting at the seams with energy, but it has no direction or purpose and it disperses itself and burns out... unless I throttle it down to a manageable level. Infinite choices gets me all amped up like that - an artist with an unlimited palette - but that way lies chaos and being at the mercy of life just "happening". This crazy stew of "me" needs more intention, discipline on some things... and more spontaneaity and carefree-ness on some others to find a balance that works now.

Any of that going on with you too?

[Twoapenny]

Funny how it seems we are on parallel paths with different people, at different times - and yet that deep need for connecting persists. I was just thinking, last night and this morning, that:

I've always known myself as one half of a relationship with a guy... within that context; and I wonder how much his personality and the actual relationship impacted who I was - the old chameleon effect was strong for a long, long time with me...

and to find a time when I was not in a relationship; and yet was still my "self" - old enough to be one, anyway - I'd have to go back to when I was 16. Post-Twiggy; not a mom yet; old enough to be responsible for myself... but nothing was engraved in neural path stone about how and who I was.

Now, I might be able find traces of that self - but time and experience do mold us, like wind & water on even granite. So it wouldn't authentic to try to be that "me" from 16 again. Probably wouldn't be real attractive either! LOL Going on 60, and trying to just be a whole person by myself - without having a space in me for a relationship; someone else as part of my life - for the first time... is kinda scary and refreshing and an adventure. I keep trying to use more positive connotation words for the same feeling (still)... excitement, anticipation... over anxiety and dread... LOL.

So it's like a good kind of identity crisis. Just like the one teenagers have. Hopefully without all the drama!! And hormones!! 

The one thing I'm trying to do, during this phase of "adjustment" is to listen for and be open and to observe what characteristics and adjectives come up about who I am now. It's a discovery; not trying to fit into anyone's pattern - no imposition of "shoulda, woulda, coulda" - and that requires solitude. Other people have their own ideas about who I am, what I should consider and do. I have to listen for the beat of that "other drummer" that only I can hear. My rhythm.

It's the only thing that keeps the restlessness, the OCDness, etc to a tolerable level. I feel like I'm bursting at the seams with energy, but it has no direction or purpose and it disperses itself and burns out... unless I throttle it down to a manageable level. Infinite choices gets me all amped up like that - an artist with an unlimited palette - but that way lies chaos and being at the mercy of life just "happening". This crazy stew of "me" needs more intention, discipline on some things... and more spontaneaity and carefree-ness on some others to find a balance that works now.

Any of that going on with you too?

Lots of similarities, Skep, and I still struggle a lot with what I want to do (or who I feel I really am) and what I 'ought' to do, or what I do to avoid other people criticising or judging and those are the bits that I really want to get on top of.  It's taken me years to figure out who I am as I was just a carbon copy of what my mum wanted, at least until my thirties.  I remember reading a book about narcissistic parents and there was a section about reclaiming yourself.  One of the exercises was to go through and list your favourite things, favourite food, favourite place to go, favourite colours and so on, and I couldn't answer a single question.  I could have answered every single one about my mum but not a single thing about me.  I didn't even know what kind of food I really liked to eat because I'd just been so disconnected from myself.  So the last few years have been a real journey of self discovery and you do need to spend a lot of time alone so that, as you say, other people aren't influencing you and you can really dig deep and find out who you are, but it has been, and still is, incredibly lonely at times and I really do want to start connecting with other people now.  I suppose the difference is I now want to spend time with people who have done a fair bit of soul searching themselves; I think you can sense it in people pretty quickly, how much they think, how much they ponder, whether they do things consciously or are just doing things out of habit.  I'm finding that hard, and I think when you've been in a relationship for your whole adult life, as you describe, it's a real new experience!  I love your way of describing it as an adventure

On a slightly more positive note I had a bit of a brain storm this morning.  I've effectively binned the rest of Christmas.  I've given gifts to people I love, the people I was making food gifts for are people that buy something for my son but never see him or spend time with him.  I always feel guilty if I don't do something in return but I realised this morning that's ridiculous; I'd rather they didn't get him anything if they can't be bothered with him for the rest of the year so either they'll give him something despite the fact they don't get anything in return or they'll stop doing it altogether (which would be better!).  So I'm doing no more now and the relief I felt was ridiculous!  Good to make decisions xx

[Hopalong]

Hope this isn't hijacky, Tupp--but your recent posts and dialogue with PR are moving to me.
It just made me think of something my T said recently. I was explaining that one reason for low mood was that I was depressed and having trouble finding motivation to do things that would take care of my life and moving it forward. (Financial planning, my own writing, etc.). Escaping nonstop into TV, etc.

[This was all pre-losing-job. Which has enlivened me like crazy. I feel excited again.]

Anyway, what my T said was that he believes I'm unaware that I have an unusually high tolerance for abuse. It was what I learned beneath the bullying from my brother and schoolmates without rescue, plus the hollowness of an Nmother who didn't see me and couldn't respond with affection. And then it was all repeated with my N/Sbrother and Nboss. So T says, I think you long ago accepted the idea that it was acceptable for you to be treated unacceptably.

That's been percolating in the back of my mind for a week and in some funny way, it restored my sense of being on my own side and caring about my own life. (As has the most recent exigency, but that's on another thread.)

love
Hops