Standing up for women

[sea storm]

I worked with abused children for twelve years. The girls were sexually abused as well as verbally abused and the boys were more likely to be verbally and physically abused. In the community I worked in it was cultural norm for girls to be sexually abused before age eight. It was actually dangerous to accuse a man of sexual abuse. It is like dropping a bomb in a family. Denial, denial, denial and then the poor kid who disclosed is seen as the enemy and they try to take back their disclosure. If I was the person to report the abuse, one tactic was to question my assessment and judgement.    I was fired for refusing to shut up about the sexual abuse in the school because it was often elders who were the purpetrators.

We are all guilty of having blinders on when it comes abuse of women and children.  Children are willing to tell their stories but I know one thing for sure. We live in an offender protective society . For example, if a little girl discloses sexual abuse in a school, the principal might say.... oh I know him and he's a good guy. I am sure you must be exagerating. Or they freak out at the ramifications and the lightning bolts of denial and attack that will ensue.
Something kept me fighting for these kids and I brought down the wrath of the patriarchy on myself. I don't care if you think I am exaggerating. I am not.
I am so sick of men not seeing how harmed women and children are by the constant war on women and children. I think it is shameful of men. Wake up. There is no excuse. Start standing up for women. God knows start watching to see if kids are safe and don't leave it up to mom's and grandmas.


I don't think I will ever get over working with sexually abuse children. No one wanted to hear their story and no wonder. You invite down HELL. You invite down the army of male  minimizers and disbelievers and they control the system.

I was in a 12step meeting today and a guy was smirking about his wife and the guys were going along with it and I just had enough. I spoke up for women and said that it the last time I am going to remain silent. I don't care about being popular. Women are still NIGGERS to many men. I mean that treating women  like garbage is akin to how treating black people used to be and is unacceptable.

I used to go into classrooms and deliver a program called Safe TOUCH.  Most teacher were afraid to do it because it usually results in at least one kid disclosing.  So a whole school could go for years without the program being done. My supervisor said, \You can't expect to go into a classroom and have five disclosures. Sometimes that happens. Sometimes it is about sexual abuse or being hit or yelled at . People are still silent and don't want to hear it, or stand up for kids.  Collectively we are all responsible. It is the only way that things can change. One person speaking up is more likely to get stoned or scapegoated.

I wish I could have changed things. I wish I could have saved kids I knew were living in hell. Who is there to blame? No one person. I notice men are peculiarly quiet about standing up for women and children.  The really battered and sexually abused kids.... it is as if men have no eyes or ears.  They have the power but the don't bother.

Sea

[Twoapenny]

Sea, I'm sorry again but you said yourself, you were working with boys as well as girls; it's not just women who are abused and it's not just men who are abusive and/or protect abusers.  I agree completely that abuse is covered up and abusers protected but I don't agree that it's about men versus women; here in the UK at least male rape is a very under-reported crime, as is male domestic abuse (when it's the man being abused by his female partner).  All victims need more support and as a culture we do very much need to deal with this problem but I feel very strongly it isn't an issue that comes down to gender alone; male victims suffer just as much and are affected just as badly x

[sea storm]

Ok i see what you are saying and of course I am supportive of males who are abused. 

[Hopalong]

People have to have both empathy AND courage to do the standing up.

In this culture those qualities are encouraged and supported in different genders to different degrees.

I think it adds up, if you pile on privilege and how painful it might be to dismantle one's own...to the
real picture you paint, Sea.

It's heartbreaking.

love
Hops

[sea storm]

For some ungodly reason bringing up the topic of child abuse or the abuse of women is socially unacceptable. Whether spoken with words of utmost delicacy or thundered from the hilltops.  There are dominant voices in our culture and they decide who will have power and who will not.
I felt broken after working with children who were abused. Not because of the ghastly things that happened to them in the most unfair ways but because there was no justice for them and no safety. Trying to  reveal the abuse casts the messenger in a dangerous situation. I must sound paranoid, delusional and overreacting but I'm not.

Here is an example..... I little girl who looked like a half starved, anxious waif and was therefore scorned by her peers in grade three came to see me because she was anxious and it was suspected that she couldn't learn because she was learning disabled. She was lovely to talk with, open, friendly, eager to please. All very well. After a few visits I asked her the big questions like "If a miracle happened and you could change your family, what would you like to see change?" She said I want my brother to stop touching my privates.
Before she had said he bullied her unmercifully. Now she was revealing the worst.
I was already in trouble with the principal for sending a notice home with kids in grades 1 to 3 about the high incidence of bullying by older siblings and how destructive it is. It was very understated and fact based.  This was for my little friend.
I brought the parents in and it was clear that the boy could do not wrong and the little girl could do no right. In the meeting I said outright that the bullying was going to stop. The boy was there with his parents. So was the little girl.  The parents were shocked and disbelieving. I repeated this " It is going to stop" " It is going to stop including touching your sister's privates" .  It was like dropping a bomb in the family. As far as I was concerned, I was going to protect the little girl and the boy needed help too. He admitted the abuse, and instead of comforting the girl the parents comforted the boy. He had been embarassed by the truth and of course he felt ashamed.  People just don't know the extent of the abuse of children.  A  couple of weeks later I asked the little girl if the abuse stopped. She said no, now her beats on me harder but the sexual things stopped. I spoke to the principal and he did not believe the little girl and said she was a pathological liar.  I think he said that because he is very ambitious but I just looked at him and was speechless. He added that he played hockey with the father , who was also physically and verbally abusive to the little girl, and thought he was much to nice a guy to ever do anything like that. That is the way of the world.  It happens a lot.
People who speak up about it get labelled nuts. It makes me so sad.

Thank you Hops. You are a good soul.

[Hopalong]

I completely understand how the horror and frustration of that work left a sharp edge on your sword, Sea.

I completely understand everything you expressed about this pain...and if not anger, then what do we have?
Resignation? Apathy?

((((((((((((((((((((Sea))))))))))))))))

love,
Hops

[Twoapenny]

For some ungodly reason bringing up the topic of child abuse or the abuse of women is socially unacceptable. Whether spoken with words of utmost delicacy or thundered from the hilltops.  There are dominant voices in our culture and they decide who will have power and who will not.
I felt broken after working with children who were abused. Not because of the ghastly things that happened to them in the most unfair ways but because there was no justice for them and no safety. Trying to  reveal the abuse casts the messenger in a dangerous situation. I must sound paranoid, delusional and overreacting but I'm not.

Here is an example..... I little girl who looked like a half starved, anxious waif and was therefore scorned by her peers in grade three came to see me because she was anxious and it was suspected that she couldn't learn because she was learning disabled. She was lovely to talk with, open, friendly, eager to please. All very well. After a few visits I asked her the big questions like "If a miracle happened and you could change your family, what would you like to see change?" She said I want my brother to stop touching my privates.
Before she had said he bullied her unmercifully. Now she was revealing the worst.
I was already in trouble with the principal for sending a notice home with kids in grades 1 to 3 about the high incidence of bullying by older siblings and how destructive it is. It was very understated and fact based.  This was for my little friend.
I brought the parents in and it was clear that the boy could do not wrong and the little girl could do no right. In the meeting I said outright that the bullying was going to stop. The boy was there with his parents. So was the little girl.  The parents were shocked and disbelieving. I repeated this " It is going to stop" " It is going to stop including touching your sister's privates" .  It was like dropping a bomb in the family. As far as I was concerned, I was going to protect the little girl and the boy needed help too. He admitted the abuse, and instead of comforting the girl the parents comforted the boy. He had been embarassed by the truth and of course he felt ashamed.  People just don't know the extent of the abuse of children.  A  couple of weeks later I asked the little girl if the abuse stopped. She said no, now her beats on me harder but the sexual things stopped. I spoke to the principal and he did not believe the little girl and said she was a pathological liar.  I think he said that because he is very ambitious but I just looked at him and was speechless. He added that he played hockey with the father , who was also physically and verbally abusive to the little girl, and thought he was much to nice a guy to ever do anything like that. That is the way of the world.  It happens a lot.
People who speak up about it get labelled nuts. It makes me so sad.

Thank you Hops. You are a good soul.

I am sorry but this makes no sense to me?  Why aren't you reporting abuse to the authorities?  Children's services, the police?

[sea storm]

I did report it and nothing happened. If you think that simply reporting will fix everything,.... it doesn't.
It is very difficult to penetrate the  complexities of abuse. It is often a he said, she said situation with no hard evidence. Just the disclosure of a child.  Imagine how hard it is for a child to get a parent into trouble. The child often retracts her story because no child can bear to tear apart her family.
This is very hard to talk about and I still feel the pain of it.
Of course I reported it. I mentioned the principal because he wanted to know if any reports of abuse were made to authorities. Parents are furious when this happens and challenges teachers and principals, including jumping over the front office counter and grabbing him by his shirt. He wanted a head's up so he could prepare himself.  Legally, I am bound to report if abuse is suspected and to report to Children's Services.  The police are not involved at first.
The world of child abuse and the systems involved including law is a labyrinth of darkness, fear and coverup.  It is pretty easy to shut a child up and reporting is not a miracle cure.
Sometimes just reporting can wake a family up to abuse in the family and the wake up call is headed and it actually helps the whole family.
I don't even know why I am telling this here.  It is impossible for the outside world to get the extent of the sexual abuse of children or to convert them to changing it.

I am not bashing all men, but I am saying that there are so many male offenders that it appears to be a cultural norm. Obviously, there are female offenders but statistically there are a lot  less. I mean by that that at least 90 percent are male.   On this Voicelessness board there are many people who have been abused and I would think that narcissists head the list of most likely to offend. Not sure though.