Author Topic: Becoming "me"  (Read 46453 times)

lighter

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Re: Becoming "me"
« Reply #105 on: April 25, 2016, 03:21:54 PM »
sKeP:

You're in a space where you can give your energy to yourself.... pick and choose what works for you, what you want more of, less of.

As you were saying.... I hope you do negotiate when the time comes to share your life with someone else.

About the Old Geezer relationship...... it might be that, it might not be.  I don't think you'll know till actual chemistry and face to face variables are added in.

Lighter

Hopalong

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Re: Becoming "me"
« Reply #106 on: April 25, 2016, 04:35:38 PM »
Quote
What I can say is that I will never willingly give over who I am to anything or anyone again.

TT, thank you.

(((((PR))))) What Lighter said, about ftf. Times 100.

Love to everybody,

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

sKePTiKal

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Re: Becoming "me"
« Reply #107 on: April 26, 2016, 07:16:55 AM »
Well, I've come to the conclusion that I'm not entirely ready to take any guy/relationship as something entirely new and completely different - yet. Still a really strong wish and longing for what is gone. While I'm pretty sure not even quantum physics can make that possible... and the only other ways it's possible aren't in my control whatsoever... it's not fair to have a specific set of emotional criteria to fill and then expect someone new to fill it the exact same way. Penpal is gone this whole week, and I feel a sense of relief at not having to deal with it... I have to do the processing I need to do, emotionally.

Of course, my mom seems to have psychic powers and knows just when to make a nuisance of herself and whine about needing to see me. Which sets off a chain reaction in my mind, about how fast I can I load up the mio-mio and what I need so I can go to the cabin where no one can find me. She wants to drop a drama she has no business interfering in, on MY doorstep... and is all of a sudden (50 years too late) thinking I'm susceptible to flattery. [This is all another desperate ruse to paint my brother & his wife as stupid, evil people... and then "need" me to step in and take my turn again to play that role. Ain't happening. I can completely disappear and she will not find me.] Oh and bad-D is also trying to drag me into one of her life consequences, with the "poor me, Mommy will fix it" strategy. [I guess the assumption is, that I'm "all alone" and therefore have all the time in the world to devote to these people that if you give them an inch... they'll suck you dry to within an inch of your life force. Because the fact that I just might have things to do that involve just quietly being me never seems to enter into their consciousness as a possibility.]

Time to stop answering the phone again. I have an invitation to go out west for a week in June to stay with friends, and it will also take a week of travel (at least) to get there. A couple more things to do on the house here, and then I can lock it down, alarm it, and just walk away... and HIDE. It might be different if these people would ever remember that I'm going through my own life transition and might not have any extra emotional/intellectual strength to deal with THEIR problems after I take care of myself. I know better than to expect them to care about me, what I'm going through and to lend support. (Ha... that'll be a cold day in hell...) Fortunately, I do have that support (thank y'all)... and I am doing just fine. But I don't have room, or energy, right now, to "carry" anyone else.

Told my mom, I may not be here - I'm not always here - and I don't always know when I'm going anywhere... when she said she wanted to come visit me. Not answering the phone is the next step. And no, she can't simply just drive up to my house. It's always been this presumptious assumption that I'm going to take care of everyone that drives me to isolation and to hide; it's the only way I know to take care of myself -- while not threatening to shatter the delusion the Ns have -- that they have a relationship with me. And no, I don't feel a shred of guilt or sadness. It's them or me... and I choose ME.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

lighter

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Re: Becoming "me"
« Reply #108 on: April 26, 2016, 07:46:38 PM »
I envy your clarity, Amber.

And hidey holes.

Lighter

 

sKePTiKal

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Re: Becoming "me"
« Reply #109 on: April 27, 2016, 09:08:15 AM »
LOL... the hidey holes are Twiggy's idea.

Boundaries or no... years of training, that I'm not always going to pick up the phone and be there for these people... they will persist until they have their pound of flesh. The old fixed idea of Twiggy's was simply trying to find someplace "safe". Not being "safe" at home, with her mom, was a damned serious issue and it still is. At least I don't feel guilty anymore, not being interested in those "other people dramas". If it's none of my business, it's none of my business - and I won't waste time listening to someone who feels justified in pronouncing judgement on the characters in the drama, nor satisfy their insistence on "what should I do?"... beyond telling them to mind their own business. Most of the time, my mom is seeing my niece & nephew as my brother & I... and even uses our names when talking about them. It's an instant-replay, probably a wish for a do-over, and for me: a fabulous study of what (in my mom) is so broken that it affected me. It's icky and weird... but useful information.

I think I want to warn her: don't put me in a position where I feel I have to fight back, to defend myself. Pay attention to my boundaries and respect them. Because when I react, I will not be able to control the intensity of the reaction. Tactically, that's a mistake. And there are still ways to avoid the confrontation completely. I don't see any justice or karma or anything like that, that would be served well in such a confrontation. She still doesn't believe she did anything wrong - and completely denies reality, in some cases. She's still arguing about a change that was made to my Dad's surname; who made it and when. LIKE IT MATTERS now... sigh. Like the is the expert and is always totally right.

Yeah; I think it's time to let the phone go to voicemail. When she whines about having called my cellphone, I'll just have to explain there's no service some places I go. (It's not QUITE a cave... LOL.) I'm getting close enough to the point, where there won't be any more "mikey" stuff to take care of... and I'm expecting that to be another big emotional transition. I don't need OPPs (other people's problems).



We come into this life alone... and go out the same way. Mike remarked on that a lot - how alone he felt. I started taking care of myself (as well as him) almost immediately... or there would've been two patients. He couldn't really understand why I did that. What he was beginning to go through, he couldn't appreciate at ALL the impact on me. And I did understand that; I tried to be with him, as much as I could. But he was in his own "new space" and didn't understand. Even after I vented my frustration at him. It made me realize that he really did have a problem with being alone; he really did need other other people and interaction with them.

For whatever reason, I am OK with myself alone. I still think I'm pretty lazy when I don't work 10-12 hours a day like a teamster... LOL... but I have to remind myself how many years I was told to "sit down", "come talk to me", etc. I do have a tendency to become "chatty Cathy" when I have a captive "rent a man" around - LOL. And I'm talking about myself... more than conversing, having a dialogue. So there are impacts from being alone... and I suppose that has to end sooner or later. I am not self-destructive; I'm not going crazy; I'm not a prisoner of the house - I do make the rounds for shopping (although I still have to cross the bridge of going out to eat alone; just not ready for that yet).

But the hidey holes are true retreats and are meant to provide a space for all the "new" and "me" I can stand. And to REST too.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

lighter

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Re: Becoming "me"
« Reply #110 on: April 27, 2016, 10:17:06 AM »
Amber:

I agree that warning Ns is a tactical mistake.

 I wish I had your discipline where (one particular) flying monkey in my life is concerned. 


::sad nodding::

I have a soft spot for that little monkey.

::sad nodding::


About your being done with Mike stuff soon.  I think it's going to be there for a while.  At least a year, maybe longer.  Expect it to pop up, intensely at times, when you least expect it. 

And that's OK too.

Lighter


sKePTiKal

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Re: Becoming "me"
« Reply #111 on: May 03, 2016, 08:35:41 AM »
LOL... when you're Light... you're Right. LOL.
Don't you know, right after you posted that, I got slammed again? Well, yeah.

I've been busy again AFTER that. Washed 3 years of pollen off his truck, and it only took me a few hours - where he always told me it took a whole day. So, I started remembering all the times I could've taken care of stuff of stuff like this... if he'd only let me. But, he was going to get around to it - right after he had a nap, or something to eat... and well, now it's too late in the day to start. Better for it to just sit another month, or 12, getting cruftier. If I'd taken care of all of that too (on top of everything else) he'd never spend any time with me. And yes, he was "needy" that way. To the point where I'd finally have to yell at him that I needed some time alone to think - and get something done around here.

After awhile, it wasn't sweet anymore how he was "stuck on me". Even though I could appreciate that this is what he really thought it was, plain & simple. And I could even accept that, until it got on my last nerve.

It was a LONG time before the docs got involved, that he had started having problems. I've had time to think back now... at the all signs. I did notice them; I did suggest he go get checked out. And just like the truck - he'd get around to it. We all do, make time for the things we WANT to do... whether we admit that or not. Social stuff... for me... not so much. My D is afraid I'm not having enough "fun". It's real hard to get her to accept that looking down at my weed & leaf-free pool patio... and out to the short grass... is "fun" for me. It's not a "to-do" anymore... it's a "to-done". For awhile. It gives back, a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction; order and peace; control over my space... and the confidence that I CAN do a lot of things.

And that's how my few real-life friendships are too. They give something back. Social activity seems devoid of real thought, feelings, or concern. And I just don't "play"... even if I'm making something. I'm planning, imagining the process, looking at the complexity of the "doing"... and visualizing doing it from the place. Being in the "zone". Where one doesn't need to think consciously, watch oneself, or necessarily "feel" anything... one just IS and one IS "doing". That is what I think is "fun".

So, I've struggled with physical energy and stamina -- because I sat around so long, so Mike wouldn't feel "lonely" or miss me, while I worked. And that is something to explore about the putting down of my brushes & pencils... even though I haven't let them go: I needed that relationship enough that I was willing to sacrifice what makes me - me, for that. And having a relationship - and the time alone required for that "me" - were diametrically opposed. This was especially reinforced when he expressed feeling rejected when I would go do work. I felt all he wanted to spend time on was playing... and well, someone has wash & iron shirts, mow the lawn, do the dishes... be the grown up. I digress...

When we moved, I was in pretty good shape from tai chi. 5-6 years of not working, just playing and sitting... wore me out... added weight I've never ever had before... and made me pretty miserable. I wasn't being allowed the time to practice being in the "zone". I was more of a cabbage instead - vegetating. And indulging and seeking refuge back in my intellectual center... to the exclusion of most else, most of the time. This is what he directly said he wanted... and I wanted him to be happy.

So, I've gotten to the point of trying to unwind (realistically) the relationship. And all the various feelings involved in that.

The truck had been neglected - along with much else - for about 3 years. My online doc friend, pointed out (while I was still trying to understand everything I was dealing with, with Mike's care)... that I was doing a lot of "pre-grieving". Well, YEAH. It's not like the intuitive part of me didn't see this coming... while he & I did the head-game relationship dance. This had been years in the making and the relationship itself was cooling... flickering... each of us in our own corners wondering what the hell was going on. Me trying to talk and find out... him not saying anything except making re-assuring noises. Until it was so obvious, I couldn't sleep for crying, and then he'd give me his patent whiny line: "You never pay attention to me".

Arrrrrrggggggggghhhhhh.

I do, and I DON'T miss that... ya know? I could never get an honest straight answer from him about some things. He'd get a confused look in his eyes like he had no idea what I was even talking about... if I brought up how much he slept, for instance. And how it wasn't right; and it wasn't fair to me to just lay there on the couch until he died without finding out if he could get better. But he never did address it - if he knew - and I am not entirely sure he knew he was dying. Which led to the one statement that I'd like to take back, if I could. I was SOOOO angry; a full picture was forming in my mind of where he was physically - and it didn't have to be this way...

and I just came right out & said: If this is how you intend to leave me, you picked a really shitty way to do it.

That is exactly how I felt. That he couldn't be bothered or couldn't muster up the courage to go see a doc, while there was a possibility of treatment actually working, instead of fueling the downward cascade. That I didn't matter enough for him to do that; the relationship didn't matter. Years ago. When I'd begged him to. We were going to be geezers together... and he got there way ahead of me. That statement, I guess, was the declaration of the end of the relationship "as we knew it". At that point, it went full parent-child dependency on me. And I think he "gave up" the same day we first went to the doc and she sent him to the ER, who insisted on sending him right then & there to the big city hospital. Absolutely no fight, struggle or will to live. He just kept repeating how alone he felt... sigh. I didn't leave his side from that point on for more than an hour or two. I got up at 4 am to attend to him. But I simply couldn't drive in a nor-easter at 10 oclock at night for an hour and half, to someplace I hadn't been before... after being in med offices for 12 hours and only eating a cheeseburger. I had physical limitations too. And I needed to take care of myself... to be able to take care of him.

I know everyone has a choice about how they face death. But I intend to make that sucker work for me. And as long as there are post-it notes - or pencil & paper - I will always have a "to-do" list. LOL. Either for myself... or things I'm doing for others.

Things I didn't understand at the time, made sense now. Why he bought me a dozen pairs of jammies he thought I'd like, for instance. Things he thought I'd need after he was gone... because I'm the last one on the list to take care of. There just wasn't any figuring out his logic...


blather, blather
sniffle, sniffle

honk....

this is me letting go.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

lighter

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Re: Becoming "me"
« Reply #112 on: May 03, 2016, 10:55:44 AM »
(((Amber)))

This level of honesty is so painful, but epiphany, and release as well?

Saying to Mike,
 "If this is how you picked to leave me..."  wasn't nice, but it was your truth.  You're entitled to your feelings, the same as Mike was.  It's OK if you're not nice all the time.  Who said we have to be nice all the time?  They're wrong, IMO.

Mike was a kind man, and he'd want you to be whole and happy. 

I'm curious to see what happens when you dust off your art supplies, and find your zone again.

Lighter

Hopalong

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Re: Becoming "me"
« Reply #113 on: May 03, 2016, 11:26:57 AM »
WOW.
I am so so so impressed, Amber.

(Not to mention seeing for the first time very clearly how you best function in the world makes me think a homesteading partner or someone similar who is always, by definition, into DOING and COMPLETING...might be perfect for you!).

I don't think that thing you yelled at Mike was cruel or awful or terrible. I think it was honest, as well as true.

His clingy dependency would've driven me crazy too. And I'm an extravert. It's not a compliment to have someone so dependent on you that you feel smothered. Underneath his anxiety condition, he did, also, REALLY love you. Like a full being. But his most-frequent surface way of showing it must've made you feel like you were swimming through a kelp bed every damn day.

You loved him. He was weak. We all are weak in different ways. And it's okay that he was who he was. And who you were at the time was somebody who was used to fixing things, making things work, rescuing and advising messed-up kids, etc. To your own detriment at times.

How could you NOT have been frustrated by this side of Mike's otherwise-great nature? Of course that was hard to cope with! It's easy to understand why you let your own joys and self-care slide.

About his clutter and chaos and lack of cooperation in creating a home for you BOTH (not that anyone who loves perfection ever gets to dictate ALL the terms...but he really wasn't on the same page at all).... Those are very very very serious stresses.

Incompatibility in living standards is a biggie. With your orderly and aesthetic nature...plus his garage-sale man-cave happy-in-debris nature--these feelings were so so understandable.

I hope you ditch every shred of guilt when you feel anger looking back. You also have felt so much love looking back. One doesn't invalidate the other.

And I agree with Lighter. All this will rise and fall and surface and subside for a while more.

You are okay, and you are going to be okay.

Love,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Hopalong

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Re: Becoming "me"
« Reply #114 on: May 03, 2016, 03:20:14 PM »
TT--thanks very much for sharing that website.
Hugely helpful, and as you say, a great primer for folks stepping out!

hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

sKePTiKal

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Re: Becoming "me"
« Reply #115 on: May 09, 2016, 08:22:19 AM »
Thanks all.

It is most definitely a PROCESS with no map; there is just living it. About the time I think I have a grasp of the process - oops - surprise! LOL. So far, I'm able to surf those waves... adjust... and then re-focus. Nothing yet has come up, that I didn't already acknowledge (at least partially)... feel... and just try to compromise on. If anything, the biggest adjustment I see is going to be not having to do any of that - I don't have to court anyone's approval, or support or participation in my choices. I don't have to put myself in that position again, either. Holly is definitely trying to work that side, out her fear that I need help... or that I'm too decrepit or emotionally bogged down to "do" exactly what I feel like I want to do. I don't want her to have to make room for me in her life on that kind of basis, yet. Plenty of time for me to be "old"... I'm just not there yet.

Being "social" means I have to acknowledge and deal with other people's feelings - not just mine. I maybe can do this a little at a time; talked to one of Mike's buddies Saturday, at our favorite tavern. I just can't do it a lot of people at once, without feeing surrounded by what feels like people poking me with pins and needles to see what comes out... and I just don't have the right words/experience/personality to know what to say or do, without being real defensive. Or mean. I will indeed "meltdown"... and it won't be pretty. I do defend myself.

I'm definitely getting back in physical shape. I have another tooth, that's bugging me that I knew I would have to deal with sooner or later and it looks like sooner. The truck is inspected and a few things fixed; I need to sell it because it's too big and a beast to drive. Pick that up today. Motorcycle, too. Quarterly bug spray is today... and I've put a deposit on the storm shutters for the last 2 pieces of glass downstairs. I can escape a little... and that's just what I'm going to do. Kitty gets to go, too. Been sleeping OK... I'm not depressed - yes, sometimes I get sad - that is different. Yes, I still avoid doing certain things because either I DON'T WANT TO or it feels like another step away from the past and I'm not quite ready to move that fast. But nothing is really "falling through the cracks".
 
It's only been 5 months - 7, if you count from the time I really did "know" what we faced. This is plenty of progress, I have "direction" for the future, I have a LOT of friends I can go visit in person - which entails some travel; another place to "land" that doesn't have the same history attached to it; and even a guy who wants to buy me a cup of coffee and a world-famous hotdog. I haven't scared him off yet. But I am also making sure he understands I might be going my own way and while I'm not opposed to having some company, I'm certainly not going to be clinging to HIM -- out of some rebound reflex or not being able to face myself alone situation. I'm kinda liking being alone, really. Companionship - that basic human connection - yeah, I do need some of that. Just not as much as other people.

I took one of those facebook personality tests that's making the rounds. Interesting results: I rated pretty high on the empathy side and all the "people-related" personality traits (extrovert)... but damn near off the charts for "sensitivity". Which is why I take so much personally, can't just "be" in groups of people and still feel comfortable, I guess. I'm sure a good portion of that is because even as a tiny little kid, I was isolated from other kids and simply wasn't "socialized" into that group. Being criticized for everything I said and did, didn't help either. (I didn't go to kindergarten). By the time I was in the 3rd grade... I'd already pretty much formed that hard crunchy shell around myself and that "inner marshmallow". By 5th grade - I'd finally made some friends - and then Twiggy went through her ordeals. And we moved.

Is there a how-to book for not interpreting people's comments and looks and concerns as a direct threat to one's well-being? LOL. I've noticed that a fair number of the people I'm close to are this way, too. Which is kinda interesting from a scientific point of view.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

lighter

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Re: Becoming "me"
« Reply #116 on: May 09, 2016, 02:18:49 PM »
Hi Amber:

I popped in for a second and saw the tooth problem. 

Here's information on anti inflammatory my bio dentist wanted me to have anti inflammatory supplement for tooth distress.
The name of this anti inflammatory is ASTAXANTHIN.

It's found in algae, crustaceans, and small fish like Krill.  Unlike most other oxidant scavengers, Astaxanthin can easily cross the blood -brain and eye barriers to benefit the brain and the eyes.

Excess sugars in the bloodstream cause inflammation and oxidative stress on cells throughout the body, including those in the pulp of a tooth.


The hippocampus is the part of the brain that stores memory and is particularly sensitive to glucose.  Excess glucose damages brain cells, leading to neurological sensitive glucose. Excess glucose damages brain cells, leading to neurological diseases including cognitive impairment, Alzheimer's and Parkinson's.

The Amygdala is part of the brain that controls emotions  Research results suggest that ASTAXANTHIN lessens oxidative damage and lipid peroxidation, thus preventing mitochondrial death inside cells.

The Journal of Clinical Biochemistry and Nutrition reported human studies demonstrating that ASTAXANTHIN provided a cognitive boost to the elderly.

In Dentistry, we have observed in the last few years that patients taking ASTAXANTHIN can sometimes reduce acute inflammation inside a tooth, helping it to reverse to a healthier, vital status, rather than progressing to the need of pulpal removal by root canal treatment or tooth extraction. 

Supplementing daily with ASTAXANTHIN benefits almost every cell in the body.  It's worth a try to help your tooth, and certainly to help your eyesight and brain.  Research is rapidly expanding about it's value for neurological function.

Astaxanthin is available at Earth Fare and on line at Mercola.com and Life Extension.com.

Articles
Astaxathin - Search Results

 
   
Astaxathin - Search Results
Read and learn more about Astaxathin from these Mercola.com articles.





Shopping
Astaxanthin (90 per bottle): 1 bottle - Mercola.com

 
   
Astaxanthin (90 per bottle): 1 bottle - Mercola.com
Help fight the signs of aging and support joint and skeletal health with Astaxanthin, an antioxidant supplement.


It won't fix the problem, but might calm things down now, and protect in the future.

Lighter
 

sKePTiKal

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Re: Becoming "me"
« Reply #117 on: May 11, 2016, 07:41:22 AM »
Well, for inflammation - curcumin seems to be doing the trick for me; the straight bio-active ingredient at 400 mg a day.

The tooth however, had been root canal'd... oh about 5 years ago. Right through a crown even. And that's how I wound up at this dentist. Turns out I somehow broke the root canal - the bits to replace a tooth's root - and of course, it's infected. So, that tooth came out yesterday in a much more invasive and extreme fashion than other extractions. Amoxicillin for 10 days; bone graft is already in and will require 4 MONTHS to heal and "take"; stitches come out on the 24th. Nitrous oxide to get me through the procedure - and high doses of antibiotic/ibuprofen ahead of time. Once the nitrous kicked in, I noticed the tears started to run... and he hadn't even started in yet. When he did - he had to give me more local painkiller - because I about came out of the chair. I think the nitrous relaxed all those "gatekeepers" I have around my emotions. I sure didn't care about the tears; when you're in that much pain and can't sleep and are that tired... you JUST DON'T CARE as long as someone is addressing the problem to make it better. And I was truly grateful that there was someone I trusted to make it better.

After the bone graft is set, then there's a post and the same process to make an impression for a crown - only this time, it's an implant. Bionic tooth!  ;)

I've been itching to get to the cabin again - and planned to pack up this week. The universe has other plans - but I think I'm still going to get leave this week. I'm waiting on the pickup truck to be ready to pay for and bring home. Should've been ready Monday - but no call - so I made the dentist appt. Hurt like the dickens last night and ibuprofen wasn't helping; ice seemed to make it worse. So I'm still here messing around today - and have things to do to prepare to leave.

Going to make a date with penpal (who I asked to call me last night, so I could hear his voice - I needed a read on that while I was needy from the tooth.) while I'm up there. And also look at what appears to be a "move in ready" place, that attracted my attention online. And was about the only one out of thousands to do so. In both these areas, I'm looking for "kismet" -- I am not going to "will" or try to make anything that isn't right, happen. I'm not looking for romance out of a relationship, as much as I am, a "guy friend"; companionship. Someone to have my back, and vice versa. He isn't helping much in this "getting to know you stage" - but it's not that he's hiding anything - I think he's more shy than I am. And I think he has a pretty serious crush on me - LOL. I'll be kind, but I'll also be on alert. And I'll have a pre-set signal to get me out of the situation, regardless of how well it goes, or how spooky it is. Gotta love technology.

Yes public place of my choosing. I think I'm going to try for lunch instead of dinner - and work it around seeing this other property so that I have an easy topic to open conversation with. Since I ain't going to jump directly into -- is there an "us" and what is it like? JUST NOT THERE YET. I can't really get a read on this guy (there might be some aspie involved here) until I have a chance to read the look in his eye, how comfortable he is in public, how awkward (or not) the conversation is. He was truly flustered on the phone. Me, I just babble. It's something of Mike that's rubbed on me, and is a good thing - I can make conversation when I have to be in the presence of others. It just runs on, from one thing to the next with no pattern, though... LOL. And then I feel foolish later.

Nothing is set in stone yet, because I have other irons in the fire that might get scheduled and keep me from taking off. And of course, I need to be here to get my stitches out. And I'm not travelling ANYWHERE until the swelling goes down, I can eat whatever, and it stops hurting.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

lighter

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Re: Becoming "me"
« Reply #118 on: May 11, 2016, 12:39:05 PM »
Geesh, Amber... sorry about the tooth problem.

I so hate having dental work done.  I'm the kind that jams her fingernails into her hands to get through it.

See about a good probiotic while taking those antibiotics, maybe? 

I'll check out the curcumin and see if it passes through the blood brain and eye barriers?  That's what's good about the ASTAXANTHIM.... it goes where others can't.  My brain needs all the help it can get.  Same for what my youngest dd calls my "old lady eyes." 

Good luck to you during lunch with pen pal.  I wish you could skip to a second face to face, just in case his nerves get the best of him when meeting new people.

One thing I want to say..... some of the most dysfunctional men I've dated appeared to be shy types.....
but they weren't. 

They were imminently insecure beings, and once they perceived some measure of security in the relationship they began exerting crazy control tactics. Bleck blech blechity blech blech bleCK.

You sound great, despite the dental woes, btw.

Lighter




Hopalong

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Re: Becoming "me"
« Reply #119 on: May 11, 2016, 03:14:32 PM »
This is opinionated but I hope helpful, and truly not meant to offend anyone. I just am super-cautious about health fads. (Plus, I took my ADD Rx today which makes me obsess and go on and ON about things I get interested in. Sigh.)

I spent most of my career in consumer health publishing and was trained to take special care with internet or TV doctors who evidence a lot of excess hostility (not that some isn't well deserved) toward modern medicine. Particularly when many of those same sources are selling unregulated dietary supplements and raking in mega-millions. Your local dedicated, well-educated MD may be well off, but not like that....

There is a LOT wrong with allopathic or "Western" medicine, including corruption from unacknowledged special-interest influences including big pharma, inadequate nutrition and prevention education (though that's changing) and without question, over-prescribing. On the other hand, it's made extraordinary progress, and is for the most part evidence based. I have a lot of respect for science overall (partly because I worked in a research university medical setting for years), and when push comes to shove--I trust the dedicated and underpaid scientists within mainstream medicine over supplement zillionaires. That said, I also like research and take several specific supplements. I always look up new supplement fads.

A good site is this one: http://www.berkeleywellness.com/supplements/other-supplements/article/astaxanthin-hype. It's calm but factual.

I've got nothing against chiropractic, and it was very helpful for my back pain. But personally I believe that the overblown claims and overreach of some who promote chiropractic or osteopathic or naturopathic medicine as the cure for everything--particularly while selling supplement products at the same time--are unethical. Homeopathy is hooey except for flu remedies which do have some evidence of efficacy. People who can barely afford to get by have spent billions on heavily-promoted supplements and "cures." I understand the mind-body connection and that belief-based cures can work. Placebo works very well too in many cases. Homeopathy is popular in the U.K. because the royal family uses it.  

"Believing" in a doctor or clever marketing is no substitute for believing in science overall, imo. I am particularly skeptical of Mercola for trashing mammography, which has saved the lives of many women I know. I sniff enormous hubris. I even sniff narcissism.

All that said, this (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/25995739) indicates virtually no evidence for significant health claims. SLIGHT lowering of glucose levels, and zero effect on lipids. What's valuable about this type of study (a meta-analysis) is that it combines and validates from multiple well-controlled studies. So, in essence, it's a summary of the reputable evidence.

Between Dr. Oz, Mercola, and others who've gotten extremely wealthy pitching the view that they have "secret, insider or NEW discovery" knowledge that goes beyond un-exaggerated evidence (what's available) from the scientific community....people are credulous. The frustrating thing is that the scientific community COULD provide more reliable evidence con or pro for supplements, but lack of funding or governmental authority makes it completely impossible for them to keep up with the marketers. So consumers are stuck in the dark and become prey to hucksters with incredible promotional engines. It's a mess.

Antioxidants are very good things, when you get them from eating a variety of whole foods. This one is mostly a colorant added to animal feed. But taking it in pill form is unlikely to do anything special for health that a healthful diet can't do, and there may be risks--it also reduces calcium levels and alters the body's hormone levels. http://www.wisegeek.org/what-are-the-most-common-astaxanthin-side-effects.htm If you want some extra, imo, it'd be wiser to eat more salmon.

(Speaking of carotenoids, people gobbled high-dose beta-carotene supplements for years, which were pushed on the public in the very same way...until science found that these supplements increased lung cancer risk. Whoops.)

Europe is way ahead of the U.S. in caring about supplement/nutrient safety. One key observation they made in reviewing this one as a food additive (e.g., in animal feed) is that the recommended dose of the same antioxidant by supplement sellers of 4 mg/day is a three- to four-time higher intake than what's known to be safe from consuming foods that have it added. http://www.efsa.europa.eu/en/efsajournal/pub/3757  There are NO long-term safety studies of high-dose astaxanthin supplements. Given the history of unregulated supplements (such as beta-carotene, contaminated l-tryptophan, many dangerous herbs, Chinese ingredients, etc.), long-term safety studies are important.

If you're going to risk it--here's what's known to be safe so far:  0.034 mg/kg bw per day. "Kg bw" means "per kilogram of body weight." Of course, since it comes in oil form in gel caps, how are you going to get a safe dosage...? And since many of these algae-based oils go rancid from oxidizing either in the capsule or due to careless processing (a rampant problem), you wind up consuming the OPPOSITE of an antioxidant--oxidized oils.

[Hope this helps too...it's more intelligent, comprehensive (and balanced) than what I wrote above:
http://www.chicagomag.com/Chicago-Magazine/February-2012/Dr-Joseph-Mercola-Visionary-or-Quack/].

Love--
Hops
« Last Edit: May 11, 2016, 04:01:52 PM by Hopalong »
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."