Becoming "me"

[sKePTiKal]

I am so glad I'm documenting bits of this journey here.

One drawback of being alone, is I sometimes lose the perspective of where I am in all the processes. And now, there seem to be some new types of communication and boundary issues coming up to learn about. I get feedback from other people and often don't question how accurate it is. At the same time, I have absolutely no way to "measure" my own state all that accurately -- especially when something unexpected comes up. Sort of like what Hops was saying about being able to see how easy it would be to slide into really dark places, being too physically alone.

Only my problem is anxiety. Full blown panic attacks even. And they aren't happening up at the cabin (even locking myself out was dealing with real fear of the fix I was in; not anxiety) so far. They are happening down here at the beach. Hmmmmm. So, I checked with my online doc friend about whether anxiety could be part of the grief journey - in particular, relying on myself and adjusting to ONLY having myself to rely on ultimately for decisions and direction and choosing what I think I "want", etc. He confirms that it's possible that as I adjust - I don't get things exactly right all the time - and the recognition that I'm flailing a bit winds up that anxiety spring even faster & tighter.

Hahaha. I guess I terrify myself sometimes; too many what-ifs that I can think of -- a very underused imagination that sees an opportunity to run wild... and THEN, when I make the usual very human mistakes or "life happens"... Hello, total panic.

[So, I left for the cabin on June 6, my last post. Spent 10 days there. Got a lot of stuff done - but still no phone. That's a long story, but I think it's "fixed" now and I will get it hooked up next trip. Yes, I really do need a minimum of "connection" with people - the people I've come to trust and rely on for feedback, and new people too.]

Pardon the interruption; I was afraid I'd forget to update you all on that bit. Back to my doc friend. There were a whole flurry of messages that went back & forth last night, and re-reading them this morning I find myself questioning a lot of assumptions and perceptions about my emotional state at this point in time - and I'm wondering about motives for his invitation to come stay with him & his SO in a state out west.

I'm wondering if I'm not communicating clearly. Or how someone can be so confident about how another person feels... without specific descriptions and expressions of the same. And my first reaction is to strongly disagree with his "description" of what I'm feeling. He thinks I'm running away from grief, and turning anger into anxiety... and am essentially "stuck" in the grieving process. So, I'm here for a second opinion from the Amazons. 

I distinctly picked up what could be a bit of projection on his part. The garden variety kind, where someone assumes their experience is exactly what others experience. (I have been guilty of that myself, a time or two.) But I really have to take issue with the assessment that I'm in denial, angry about a loss of controlling a situation that no one controls, and am NOT accepting that Michael is dead & gone & isn't coming back. That I'm bouncing between anger & bargaining.

Uh... I think he's talking about someone else. But then, this is the basis of his "offer to help me" get to acceptance and move on. And he's indicating that it's his lady, who is (unusually) extending the offer and invitation to me, as well. As if I would be more comfortable with a female, just because of being female (LOL). She is bipolar, but on meds, but he is still expressing that some days are better than others for her. He did make a remark about his wish for a 3rd party "tie-breaker" in some of their disagreements. And I wouldn't touch that with a 10 ft pole. I'm not sure I need to be around "crazy" right now and yes I am controlling when, where, how and with whom I'm sharing my process. I figure that's a natural perogative. My right to choose.

And for me, the whole POINT of me going through this myself is to find out what does come up for me (like the anxiety) and deal with it and understand why and try to do other things instead. The panic attacks are pretty intense - but I'm still a functioning human being, regardless. I have to be and that side is also "who I am". This is how I prove to myself that "I can", even when part of me is terrified.

I know that the triggers are all intimately a part of what needs doing to finish taking care of all Mike's "stuff" that is simply taking up space (it's gradually shrinking). I working hard on reminding myself that it's "my stuff" now. My stuff; my choice of keep, donate, recycle or trash. The necessary paperwork of the estate tax return is daunting; but I have already done a majority of the tasks and gathering documentation and organizing it and distilling it down to what the CPA really needs. Yes, I still have some BIG jobs to get the ball rolling on and I'm resisting, because I KNOW it's going to be like losing him again. But it simply must be done. No ifs, ands or buts.

I don't have that at the cabin at all. And I even took a favorite picture of him to have up there, so I can talk to him a little. It's silly - but I'm allowed to remember him this way, aren't I? That's not a symptom of not accepting reality; rather, IMO, it indicates that I HAVE a measure of acceptance BECAUSE I can "talk" to him, without turning into a weeping blob. I KNOW he's not here and isn't going to be, no matter how good my memory & imagination are. The cabin is all me; Mike only spent part of a day there and then he slept almost the whole time.

I guess the assumptions and opinions that came from this friend have really confused me. And yes, it did function to send me into the "inserting a sharp stick in my eye" to force the weeping... but that doesn't seem healthy to me. When it happens naturally - I let it; I know it will pass. But I don't understand the reasoning behind prolonging feelings of grief and sadness and loss at that all-consuming level for days on end as some kind of "catharsis". That seems unnatural and wrong - and leads me to wonder about and be a little suspicious of - his "feedback" about me.

What do you all think?

[Hopalong]

Wow. You are so smart, Amber.

What I think is: Despite how very physical panic attacks are, they originate/trigger in the mind. I had them for a long time, they were awful and disabling, but they have been gone now for decades. And they led me to the help I needed.

I think your well-meaning friend is unconsciously, un-deliberately, sensing an opportunity for stimulation and interesting companionship for himself in your crisis. I think his own needs/ego are the driver and he's not owning/aware of it. (And is probably a wonderful friend with a wonderful spouse, both of whom you'll enjoy visiting, say, two years from now.) I wouldn't invite him deep into your psyche now.

(Maybe you are looking for a new man to trust/depend on. Since you haven't been alone long. Penpal Dude, and now male doc friend. It's contrarian, but I think you need a wonderful female therapist, easy to access. The imbalance for you is in trusting a woman, or mother figure. So that's where a huge amount of your healing could be.)

I don't perceive anything whatsoever "stuck" or "complicated" or "extended" about your grief, which is in fact in early stages, and will slip all over like a porpoise in your arms. And sometimes lie quiet. You are not doing it "wrong" and imo, even panic attacks don't indicate that you need some inadvertent friendgali to declare that he knows where and how and what to poke to "correct" your grief path.

I think the last thing you need is to take your rawness and vulnerability to a far-off state to stay with a couple, one of whom is mentally unwell, and the other of whom is playing guru/therapist to some degree out of conditioned overconfidence. Sometimes the intellectually/cerebrally brilliant falsely assume that this means they are emotionally and spiritually brilliant as well.

It really is daunting to be alone. And to feel it heavily. I feel it, even now there are cold waves of panic and a particularly frozen helplessness. (I know, you're one of the least helpless and most competent people there are...but panic attacks could be your psyche asking for another kind of help. You may need to be "helpless" in another way, so that you build a healing relationship with a wise compassionate female therapist.)

It really is daunting to be alone. Our culture is crazy and greatly discourages us from seeing that.

Some of what you're going through reminds me of a period in my life when I was having panic attacks and also battling depression. I was in a big city. I told myself--I need nature and to be farther away. So I moved a half hour away from the city to a rented cottage. (I could still see my friends, make it to doctor appointments.) Panic attacks worsened so I decided to move farther out still (45 minutes away). Depression got worse so I moved an hour and a half away...always to isolated cottage types of situations. Eventually I wound up in a tiny house on a mountainside in a part of Appalachia so remote I had to go buy a 4WD vehicle because I would not be able to get out, at all, in winter without it.

Because I kept responding to my panic attacks and depression with increasing self-isolation, believing the artistic process of "writing through it" alone would be enough, they continued to get worse. Eventually, I married the wrong person to create some stability. It did help for a time. But I think I would have healed more, faster, and earlier, had I not isolated.

Speaking of projection, of course all this is. But you know how to sift what's "bing-ing" for you in others' stories. Just offering it for whatever small pieces might be meaningful for you, if any are.

You get the picture. My emotional pain drove me to isolate. I did need to seek nature, most definitely, and I liked the adrenalin of starting the adventures, but I simultaneously discounted how much I needed help (emotional and therapeutic support in 3-D) and consistent, lasting community. And I did get worse.

But you know, I survived my cautionary tale. And you will survive too. I think you will find creative joy in just-enough solitude, in a setting that has the location balance that will give you a safe harbor to heal in. And when you are ready...helloooo, sailor!

love,
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Thanks Hops. A lot of your feedback did "bing"...   

The penpal thing is... different than I expected. I did meet him for lunch at a pretty busy nice restaurant for al fresco dining, about halfway between both our places. Nothing really "clicked" - and I still have questions about him too - but he isn't a bad person. Doesn't set off that radar at all. He seemed to be watching for my boundary signals - but without tip-toeing through a minefield nervousness and was perfectly happy to let me lead the way during our conversation, while making sure he got to tell me what he wanted me to know.

He is solicitous of my process without attempting to direct it, and kindly without forcing advice on me or smothering me. That's different, for me. He is authentically "eccentric" in some ways; mannerisms. So we're still emailing. Both our "rest of the summer" is going to be a little busy and he seems very comfortable retaining his independence and allowing me to explore mine.

Another huge thing that came up for me through this current process is "Daddy Issues". Security, strong protective types... etc seem to be my craving. Even though more often than not, that comes with a pretty good helping with them wanting to be dominant and real controlling. I was able to explain to penpal that I really didn't want to feel like I was dependent on someone right now; that I was really into this challenge of finding out new things I can do, rather than "can't" - or that I need to have a man for. He gets that and it doesn't bother him in the least. We don't "talk" every day.

Thanks for the reminder that emotional processes are seldom linear. And the idea about a supportive female therapist. It's crossed my mind a couple of times.

[Twoapenny]

Hi Skep,

There's such a lot going on in your life at the moment and yet you write with such clarity and insight.  I find when life is topsy turvy my mind follows suit and I can't explain, either verbally or in writing, how I see things, but you have an amazing gift for doing that.

My thoughts - for what they are worth - are that grief doesn't and shouldn't have a time limit or a set path, and neither does life in it's happier, easier forms either.  I have struggled enormously over the years with other people's perceptions of how I 'ought' to be dealing with something.  I've found that stages take as long as they take, and whilst there are things you can do to keep yourself ticking over during them - such as eating well, resting, exercising, having fun and son on - they do just take time to settle and process, and then you might well find another layer that needs dealing with as well and so it continues.  So you don't sound to me as if you're 'stuck' - you sound as if you're grieving, finding your own feet, dealing with the myriad of practical tasks that need to be dealt with when someone passes and building a new life for yourself.  And all of that takes time and sometimes will be one step forward, two back, and that's absolutely fine.

I have often seen myself at some point in the future living in the middle of nowhere with very little contact with people.  The idea appeals to me enormously.  I've got to the point now where I often feel that people are just interrupting my day, or filling my head with their nonsense when I want it filled with my own thoughts and those of people whose opinions I respect and trust.  I do find the constant outpouring of people's minds distracting and quite tedious, to be honest, and I find the world in general now too busy and with too much going on.  So the idea of living in a cabin somewhere would really appeal to me too.  And might be a really amazing opportunity for other forms of self expression - art or photography, or poetry and music, something like that?  I think the idea of a regular therapy appointment - even if just once a month - is a grand one.  Someone completely objective who can point out things that you might have missed and who can spot a slip if you are sinking into a dark place and not realising it (which I think is something that most of us can identify with!).  And I'm assuming that if after six months of the cabin you're sick of the sight of the place you could move back into town fairly easily? xx

[lighter]

Amber:

I'm sure your friend thought he was making a very nice offer..... to help you move through some of your trauma/grief, while offering you the chance to chime in on some issues he and his SO have.  Umm..... it struck me as not very helpful, or appropriate but well intended.

I'm glad you can share your anxiety somewhere... here, maybe a bit with the pen pal, friends.... a T at some point.  It's scarier when we keep it to ourselves, IME.  It's the ebb and flow, the slinky getting pulled all the way out, and slamming back, getting stuck for a while.  It;s a process.  Things get better for a while, and then they get dark, and we get through it, and we get stronger.  We go on.  We believe we'll feel better through the worst of it, and we always do, IME.

About taking Mike's picture to the cabin, and speaking to him.  I think.... of course you speak to him.  I can't imagine that you wouldn't.

I understand the part of you that wants to be protected.  I do.  I also get that you want to be independent, and stand on your own....  at least for a while.  Focus your energy on yourself.  See what's there.  What you really want, and work towards it without distraction,  I think it's healthy, and the right thing, no matter how odd or foreign or terrifying it might be at times.

I also think you're amazing, and so very strong.  You've overcome so much, and that wasn't easy.  Remember it.  Twiggy's journey.  You got through it, and you eventually stabilized, and you'll do that again.  This is another huge adjustment... a huge life change, but it's not a bad thing.

It's a


new

thing.

New things take getting used to.  They take time, and they take the kind of mindful problem solving you're doing right now.

Remember to shift into observer mode when the anxiety hits you.  Listen to it.  It will help you move through it more quickly, IME.

(((Amber)))

Lighter


 

[sKePTiKal]

AH... observer mode... yes, I had forgotten about that. When I questioned my friend's offer, I did sort of go there (albeit a little defensively; still an honest look I think).

A while back I took one of those silly Facebook personality quizzes. There's been so much going with me, you know? I was curious what would pop up. I scored pretty high on self-reliance and empathy, but the one thing that was outstandingly high was "sensitivity". Bingo...

Now, this never came up working through Twiggy's saga... and these days, I consider myself to be pretty thick-skinned, willing to hear (if not accept) criticism, and not easily offended. But dang if I'm not what used to be called "overly sensitive" sometimes. And even though my intellectual center may be all those things above, my emotional center is a freakin' roasted marshmallow, sagging off the stick used to cook it. You know how the outer browned (or black sometimes) shell pops & crumbles?     It's like that, and then the ooey-gooey just runs all over the place.

So, sometimes I take things too personally; too much to heart and am more wounded than anyone would expect. There isn't any pattern to it either. Sometimes the Amazon shields are down (maintenance?) and things hit me all at once, and the only logical thing is to retreat, try to patch up the damage... and understand what's going on.

That's 2 different images. Funny, a Twiggy memory just popped up - connected to the marshmallow. I don't have a clue what the circumstances surrounding the memory are. Just remember being in a dark hallway, and my mom telling me that I was like Humpty-Dumpty... that all the king's men couldn't put me back together again. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. I sure don't like the message in that, and can document that it wasn't true, too.

Having all this old stuff come up again (I kind of expected it to happen; certain aspects of it) is kind of scary. Begs the question of "did I deal with ALL of it the last time"? or even "did I get it right last time"? But you know what? I think unless there is any long term, debilitating effects -- I don't want to dig up those old bones again. Too much else going on and that would seriously overload me.

My neighbors are here this week; they're trying to sell that house. Her hubby will likely go home early, and then she and I will find something fun to do. I missed my old neighbors, from where we moved from. They came down for a week - the very week I went up to the cabin. And I've been BUSY outside. It's been overcast and not as hot so I've gotten a lot of weeding on the patio done... still need to work out front too. And a few other bigger jobs. That kind of physical stuff really helps; helps to simply empty my brain... add another bit of evidence of "what I can do"... and makes another little bit of "order" in my universe.

[lighter]

Amber:

It helps me shift into observer mode to remember that my thoughts are just a story.... and not at all real.  If I feel my mind wondering into distracted negative territory, I simply  remind myself those thoughts aren't real, and I pop back inside my head, centered, and then the moment I'm actually standing is what's real.  Not scary.  Not overwhelming..... just calm and present.

If I have to go a step further, I can ask myself what is real? 

What I can touch IS real. 

My thoughts are just stories, and the truth could be completely opposite whatever it is I'm thinking.... fear of court stuff, fear for my children's futures, what others believe about me, fear of not finding a personal passion to enjoy for the rest of my life, etc. 

Those thoughts aren't real, and just remembering that brings serenity back in focus....

 like alchemy.....

"Those things aren't real."

Poof!

 Serenity restored....my ooy gooy center of the marshmallow vanishes for me.

I can remember breadcrumbs Hops left on previous threads through the years, but I'm just now processing this in a way that makes sense, and that I can actually apply in my life. 

I don;t think you have to revisit Twiggy's journey either, Amber.  I think she's riding this wave with you, and she'll help you ask the  question....
"what is real?"
Lighter

[Hopalong]

We marshmallows have to stick together.

The most valuable friendships for me are the precious ones in which I can say, I am needy/scared/anxious/sad/overwhelmed any time I need to say it. The gem friends who say, well that's understandable. Or, of course you are. I would be too. Tell me about it. (And then I often go into apologetic-mode, because on some level I still think I'm supposed to be a cowboy, or am not deserving of uncomplicated love, or whatever. And a friend like that goes, no, you forgot, it's fine with me that you are just what you are. So tell me about it.)

I saw a lovely indie movie last night on Netflix called The Fundamentals of Caring. It's wonderful (and funny). It was about a caregiver. And a road trip. Highly recommend.

A close friend here lost her elderly mother recently and the funeral was last week. The whole dynamic family scooped me in and it was very comforting to me to be part of the whole day. Winding up at a dinner for 20. The memory I shared with most of them was from when I'd gotten to know her a little in the last few years of her life. (She was a brilliant internationally-known scholar, still teaching at 92, but I didn't really know that part.) What I cherished was how one day we were both at the mother's house, and my friend had to go do something online, so I made her mom a cup of tea. She asked a little bit about me and I was in a fairly bad way (combo of estranged D and Nboss) so I just made a brief remark. When I gave her her tea and sat with her, she leaned forward and took my hands in hers and looked straight into my eyes with the warmest, kindest expression and said, "Tell me your troubles." (It felt like a blast of compassion from her old face. What troubles? They seemed to have lifted away...)

At her service person after person stood up and talked about her radiantly loving personality. It was memorable and I keep pondering it. Later I told one of her sons about our kitchen moment. He said to me, "She loved me like that 24/7, always, throughout my life. And that's why I'm not afraid of anything." I loved his story, I believed him. It wasn't macho lack of fear, it was I will be okay lack of fear.

She was interviewed on video a couple years ago by another scholar, who kept trying to get her to focus on meaningful things about death and dying, but she was bored with that and kept going back to research, and her hopes for the next generation of students. But eventually they got onto faith, and even though she was of a traditional religion, when it came down to it she said she described her source of faith was believing that inspiration and intuition are all from something like god, although she added ferociously that she wanted "nothing to do with any god that doesn't want women to be priests!" And when he finally succeeded in getting her to talk about mortality, asking what she expected about death, she just gave him a big smile and said, "It's going to be interesting! And it's going to be okay." Most of all she didn't want "a lot of tears and fussing, because it's okay."

She had a picture of a laughing Jesus that she loved, and they hung it above her bed. Though she did have a fall and concussion at 94 and a short unhappy rehab, soon after there was a stroke, and she had the immediate gift of unconsciousness and died gently, without pain, in the beautiful hospice house here shortly after her 95th birthday. Her granddaughter said her last words to them were, "I love you I love you I love you I love you!"

I mean, dang. I'm so grateful I met her. There's lots of time to become whole. It's going to be interesting. And it's going to be okay.

love,
Hops
PS--I know Jesus was very dark or black but couldn't find an appropriate image. Laughing will do....

[sKePTiKal]

What a great story Hops! Such a lovely person. They are becoming so rare in this day & age, maybe we should aspire to those traits?

Well, I ran the same request for feedback with another friend - who's walked with me (online) on some of my worst nights of this process. He is very smart and skilled - and astute about people. He also knows a great deal about some of things we all have survived; he could be one of us. Boy did he hit the nail squarely on the head:

he said it sounds like I'm seeking external confirmation (validation, in other words) for the decisions I'm making; the choices I face. Well, that's a big "DUH-HUH", good buddy. Plain as day; right in front of me and I still tip-toed around it. I've been "not thinking" almost all day - but simply looking at it. There was a quick blip of a glimpse that zipped through my attention, to go along with it.

Yes, I'm agonizing over my decisions about the future. Yes, I desperately want a lot of "stamps of approval" for what I think I want to do. It is simply not enough, that I think I want to do these things - I'm afraid of getting it wrong; making a poor choice (and having to choose again). What I "want" isn't nearly as important as making a wise, long-term choice (nothing like a little pressure).

Under all that is the old "I don't matter", too. Therefore, trusting my own choice and judgement... well that doesn't matter. I finally had the curiosity to wonder: well, WHY don't I matter? What in the world created such a strong feeling and pattern in my brain in the first place. Only thing I know of that is that powerful is toxic shame. And of course, that loops back into parts of Twiggy's story; sort of full circle.

As long as I depend on external validation for these kinds of decisions - what I want: to do, be, do, be, doooo - I get out of the task of facing that shame, shredding it's bogus arguments, and kicking it's butt to kingdom come. There weren't any real awful consequences for not really facing it the past 10 years. And I was busy making other people happy with those choices. Absolutely no necessity to face and conquer the shame... I could carry on, thinking that since it was quiet, it's just died on it's own. How comforting; and how wrong. That is the real impetus behind the anxiety attacks.

To do what I'm faced with doing now, requires a cage-match with this issue. Two enter; one leaves. Once that's settled, then I can salve Twiggy's emotional wounds and we can limp off into the sunset together, looking for adventures. This is unfinished business. (or at least another spiral up toward breaking free of the pattern)

I'm very sure this is the key.

[Hopalong]

I think I understand.

It's all about balance, imo (not being very good at it myself but sometimes pretty okay at spotting issues outside of my own...).

IOW, to seek external validation for choices might sound "bad" or "weak." Then again, it's smart to seek information, perspective, wisdom, and sometimes even advice. It'll vary. You collect it until you have a good sense of which way your own choice is leaning, influenced by various info you've taken in. You can TRUST that if you breathe, and steady yourself (with help when you need it), the seesaw will tilt down again and your feet will wind up stable on the ground.

Taking in info from others is what people do, who learn they're not alone in the world. And that process, which is all it is, is nothing to be ashamed about. Sometimes you need it mildly and other times more intensely.

You (Twiggy) were taught that alone and armed was the deal. And even then, you had no backup. And even then, you were betrayed where you should have been safe. That was her and that was then.

When it comes right down to choices, you'll make them. And you want to make the right, long-term-sound ones. So, you have a good mind, good resources, and good options. But you don't have to make your choices in panic. (Probably not the best idea. Getting help for the anxiety attacks is probably Job One, rather than choosing your next property.)

Your chances of choosing a sitch that will support you for health and happiness are excellent, even if it doesn't feel that way. It doesn't mean the transition will be easy even if you make the best choice you can, that feels right not only from a trauma perspective, but also from a reasonable hope perspective.

To shift your balance away from trauma toward reasonable hope, could be a good goal.

To gently steer yourself away from all-or-nothing, do-this-perfectly-or-it's-disaster/failure, might be a good goal. Because that's just an interpretation of the same reality. You can make a choice and enjoy the outcome. You could make the very same choice and not enjoy the outcome. But either way you will still be okay. The perfectionistic interpretation, though, assures your misery throughout what could otherwise be healing and discovery. Same choice, same situation. How you interpret it.

You're very hard on yourself. If ever you were going to practice self-compassion, this would be a good time. If you give yourself permission in advance to choose even if you might decide to choose differently later (which is very different from framing it as a "mistake")...you'll be okay. And you might not decide to choose differently later, it might turn out really really well. That's a reasonable hope.

Even with anxiety, which bubbles on the surface of the psyche...there's a solid adult woman in you, too. She just needs you to work on her confidence. Her ability to trust life itself, not just various opinions.

I think your confidence in life itself has been shaken. Confidence in life itself is another way of describing faith. Not necessarily anything theological, but faith that good things come. In the mystery, peace came for Mike. Meanwhile, in living--after pain, does come relief. After losing, does come finding.

You can't force it, and it's always in the present, but it's rational to be open to good possibilities. That's all faith is. You can't control every aspect of life even if you aren't grieving and scared. Even if you were preternaturally calm, you still couldn't control it all.

We're all in this boat. Panic attacks absolutely suck, and blaming yourself or being critical of yourself for not being able to control the ocean you're riding on is mean.

Just keep rowing, but take breaks. Notice there are other sailors in the boat. Be part of the human crew. You don't even have to be the captain, for a change.

love,
Hops

[Hopalong]

Hmmm.

"Facing"

"Conquering"

"Cage-matching" the shame.

(More opinion, here...grab your salt shaker....)

I don't think that works. You really wanna be a ninja warrior?

How about loving the tired woman who's carried all that shame.
How about comforting her, getting her some chamomile?
How about kinding the shame away?

Toxic shame is cruel. Violent. Aggressive. Conquest and cage matches are the same and just do brain damage. No glory.

But see your future self as some peaceful old lady, who has love and patience for herself, for life. Find that kindness for yourself. It's way, way more ninjy.

Shame can roar on the porch all it wants. It'll blow away, stupid things always do. You're just at the table, gently drinking tea. Thinking compassionate thoughts with sincerity. About yourself.

Eh?
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Thanks Hops.

Digesting those posts....

[Hopalong]

I am sure there's lots of insoluble fiber in there.
 

Remember that it's just your luck that I started taking my ADD meds again, which makes me very focused on writing and like a dog with a bone. (A small, cute dog. But still...)

love,
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

LOL... That's just GREAT, HOPS... LOL... no escape for me this time, huh?

ROTFL.... we're made for each other - maybe there's a drug to make me LESS obsessed and tenacious about problem-solving...

Seriously, I think there's a "high-level, expedited, turd-polishing" process really going on. Lessons already learned -- but not given their proper due, nor "corrections" put into proper practice. I know, I'm being cryptic again. Whatever I think I "grok", this time, still isn't quite organized enough for words yet.

All I know, is the anxiety attacks have vanished as quickly as it dropped on me. All because of that kick in the pants about compassion, and validation. The combo has properties that the individual things do not. Still LOOKING... w/o thinking about it too much.

And looking for the senna tea...

[Hopalong]

Ummm...received insight about compassion as a kick....   

Okay...we work with it...trying....compassionate kicking...

Just can't. Woman's already down.

(But I'm glad you're feeling it!)

Maybe you showed yourself some mercy.

Hugs
Hops