Becoming "me"

[lighter]

Amber:

Be kind to yourself through the times of despair, lack of energy, sadness, lack of focus/direction..... things come in waves, then straighten themselves out again.

It's like walking through the abyss, and when we're in it, we're there till we get through it.  Difficult, exhausting, confusing, painful, but the only route to feeling better, IME.

When we come out, it's like we popped up from under the water, and we can see colors, and feel the seasons.  Again.

You're such an amazing person... your story, top to bottom, is inspiring to me.  It always has been.

I'm glad the party was comforting for you.  I'm glad you have supporters who love you and Mike.  People to shield and protect you.  That's a pretty good place to heal, and grow through..... even if it's painful. 

As for planning and shopping for food.... have you considered one of those delivery meal services that send out recipes and ingredients for you to prepare?  I've read some pretty good things about them, and it might be a short term fix for decision making around food?

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

WiseChild, you're welcome to traipse through the years of stuff I've shared while peeling off the things that were "stuck to me" by my FOO (family of origin) and figuring out just who my "self" really is... under what I've been told she is. Maybe something will help you? I've tried to find the link I was reading when I stumbled across this other "system" for describing the grief process - but I was working on the ipad at that time: different OS, browser, even though it was the same search engine... that link simply doesn't come up on my pc.

I may not have many face to face friends, but there is a whole crew that I'm comfortable with, that I can trust, and who have walked this with me, online. I think these same friends are all pretty close to the "extroverted introvert" type. The way of processing information, analyzing it, and perceiving things is something we have in common. I "talk" way better in writing than I do in person. Lots of INTJs in that mix, if you're familiar with Meyers-Briggs. Be glad to add you into that "crew"... there aren't any leaders... but stuff still gets done.

So the "have to" list of things is done (I still have garages to deal with; I don't think they're as bad as they look). I was going to load up the kitty and a lot more stuff, and spend some time at the cabin since I've really only been there one day -- and haven't even spent the night yet. Still no phone/communications of any sort there. But realized this is Easter weekend. And I'm still waiting on taxes to be delivered so I can turn the payments around to IRS. I don't want to be incommunicado, in case CPA has questions.

So.... I have some time to sit, think, write, ponder.... and see what trouble I can get into - LOL. There are a couple things I pushed to the bottom of the list that have more been "want tos", instead of have tos. Might be a good time to pull those up.

[sKePTiKal]

Needed more coffee... and picked up the ipad... this is what I was reading when I found this new (to me at least) description:

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1112778/

This is the full list of "states", that people wander in/out of before the rebuilding process:

The course of grief
Numbness
Pining
Disorganisation and despair
Reorganisation

This understanding of the emotional states isn't linear or sequential at all. The first hours after Mike died, I was big on reorganization -- cleaning up, washing bedding, doing dishes -- and making decisions. The busy bee syndrome, I guess. I was numb to any emotional reaction, for the most part, until I could get everyone out of the house. Dame Cicely Saunders, who founded the Hospice movement, is credited with defining the process this way.

There were several moments during that evening, that I was on the verge of surrendering to the emotions full on energy take-over. Because I wanted to fully experience them, the way I felt them... to let it all wash over and through me... I wanted total privacy for that. I didn't want anyone else's interpretation, or explanation, or sympathy or attempts to comfort -- my feelings were my own, that I shared with him and only him. I wasn't afraid of the intensity of the emotions and grief is that "difficult" old friend that even though I don't like spending time with, I understand the necessity. I think it was the next day, before I wrote down the narrative of events of those few hours for my online MD friend. Told him, too - that it was the last time I would tell that story to anyone. But a week or so later, I was moved to write it all in my last remaining Twiggy journal.

LOL, I was already second-guessing myself at that point. The silly mix-up in handing the paramedics my DNR, instead of his. Even calling 911; I knew he was gone and it was over. I could have just let that moment linger between us. I didn't HAVE to call his D right then, and destroy her day too. But I was already care-taking everyone else's feelings about his passing you see. She wanted to be in on it. That's her life as a nurse. I had already accepted, in the process of caring for him, as his condition deteriorated, that some things are simply beyond our control or ability to "fix". And I had told Mike, that it was all up to him... his decision; I would be sad & miss him for a long time... but he didn't have to stick around and be a science experiment for my sake. He could just let go.

Looking back over the months prior to the medical interventions, our relationship had been fading away... already starting that transition and changing. He may not have had direct evidence that he was dying, but he knew at that pre-verbal level. I've seen the evidence of that, as I've cleared up the piles of papers and put his stuff away. The things he bought for me that I found hidden in amongst his stuff. Even the decision to buy cabin was part of that. And I guess that's why I still have my half of his ashes; if I decide to move up there he wants to sit on a rocker on the porch.

[Meh]

Same sort of. I wanted to be alone.

[sKePTiKal]

<big deep breath here>

So, having gotten comfortable over the years I posted daily here... and was in the midst of working out a lot of complex and painful stuff... I was also learning that it was possible to have friendships through this online environment. Being open to hearing the emotion and intent behind people's words... and learning how to say the words to express mine. Yet, this environment also comes with a real large safety net. We only know what others have shared about themselves; people only know what we share about us. (And even then, we can sometimes intuit the self-deception from authenticity.)

It's an interesting "world". In my travels, I've participated on several other forums and learned a lot more about this kind of interaction. The closest "meat-world" equivalent I can think of, is writing letters. Some of us express ourselves so much more clearly in writing, than face to face. I just took another of those Facebook personality tests; I registered pretty high on reason, emotional stability... but the standout surprise was sensitivity. Not exactly the same as being chronically offended, or empathetic... I interpret sensitivity to mean I have a lot of psychic "nerve endings" around me that pick up a constant flow of data that is channelled into my brain... subtle smells, a minor cue from someone's facial expression or body language... and this is why new situations and large groups of people are unpleasant for me. My brain is over-taxed trying to stay on top of that in-flowing data. I don't focus OUT what I'm not focused ON. Or something like that. It was a survival skill, as a kid.

--------------------------------

So, in light of the above, I have to tell you ladies (and Dr G and Mud)... I was approached in a PM, at another forum, by someone who delicately expressed (if that's at all possible) that he was interested in getting to know me because he's looking for a life partner. My initial reaction was "OH BUGGER, just what I need right now...NOT." He isn't someone I had regular interactions with. But I had asked a question about the practical issues surrounding trying to homestead alone a couple months ago. It's still on the first page of posts - a lot of women have sharing ideas and tips; and the men are explaining some things that they do to cope with working alone, aging, etc.

After my shock that anyone would find me interesting enough to get to know me better (yep; that's still there)... I decided to tell him I wasn't actively looking, but that I hadn't ruled it out either. We agreed to correspond, in order to decide if we should meet -- yes, I know; public places and all that; I did this back in the 80s too; "personal ads" -- and well, y'all know how verbose I can be. LOL. Poor guy has a lot to read and think about, as I scatter clues about me throughout the reader's digest version of my 3 marriages. (That was all to be fair, when I asked him if he'd ever been married... I still feel asking questions of people is rude; damn those taboos!!) I also checked with a moderator who's a friend of mine, if there were any red flags... nope, in fact he'd been helpful to her on some forum projects.

So, I'm watching for my usual "scare them off" tactics or tendency to run the other way and quickly slam the door reaction. I'm also slow-walking this whole process, because I still have things I want to do; I explained how I really wanted this opportunity to just be ME, without someone else's needs or dreams or feelings to consider as I make decisions. It would be really NICE to add another male friend -- I have more than one, online. We care about each other as friends and there is nothing more to it. It's a level of security that feels right, these days. Without commitment into a relationship that could be awkward, for a number of different reasons.

There are a couple different ways to look at "how long it's been". It's been 4 months since Mike died; 9 months since he started seriously "fading out" - not having energy or participating in much of anything; and over a year since he started to withdraw into himself... and away from the relationship and me. And if I spend the time to look long enough, I could probably see "signs" going back several years to point at, and say "See? He wasn't there for me." Or, he was dependent on me more than I was able to be on him -- because he was asleep, physically couldn't help, or something. Mike's D and I both think he would've been diagnosed for treatment at the time we moved down here. That was 6 years ago. So, it's not too soon for me to think about getting to know guys at perhaps a more intimate level again.

I hate to tell these guys, though... the bar is set rather high these days and I'm pretty sure I don't swoon. (Altho, part of me wouldn't be upset if that happened again.... LOL). It's kinda hard for that to happen just writing online... but it's NOT impossible.  BTDT  

[lighter]

I don't know, Amber:

Maybe the possibilities are increased online?

It's not about anything but cerebral sharing.... I think EASIER to make connections when we're not pointing our toes, or worrying about chemistry... too much?  Oh dear... not enough?

Just stretch your emotional legs, be yourself, and try to relax.

You're allowed to make connections without assignig a label. 

Is this fellowship?  Romance?  Both?

You won't know till you do some research, and it's OK to go slow.  You don't have to tell him everything up front.  There can be levels and layers to this thing.  Trust is something he'll earn, and he doesn't automatically get to see the entire Amber show, bc he's asking. 

Take things in stages.  Observe how YOU feel, bc it's not all about how he feels.

No matter what, this is a learning experience, and you deserve to have this friendship. 

Lighter

[Gaining Strength]

I love reading about the party.  It is all so touching to me - from the very concept to the details you have written about; the food, exploding cheese, the music, Margaritaville Pirate Flag, the rain and afterparty. Your words paint such a vivid picture, like a beloved scene in a novel.

I  feel sustained though the powerful evocation of the cycles of life and love.

So thankful for your online presence in my life.

[sKePTiKal]

Well, Lighter... the online format can also be the source of many misunderstandings.

Before I went to the cabin, I'd given him my personal snapshot review of my 3 marriages in a longish letter and asked if he'd ever been married. (There is something on my radar that tells me, maybe NOT.) I didn't hear anything back for days... so I figured that much scared him off. And if that was the case - it's for the best. I can have a strong, overbearing, passionate energy about me sometimes, when I'm not hiding under a bushel basket pleading with the world to accept me. I need a friend/partner that can handle that without being embarrassed and also has enough energy to balance that.

So I get back, and he's quoting my last message and trying to surmise why I haven't responded to HIS response to the question (which doesn't exist in my inbox)... and assuming I don't want to correspond. Well, that's not very persistent, is it? Easily dissuaded, huh? Or maybe pleading with and accustomed to the world not being all that accepting of him. He hasn't told me ANYTHING about himself, which is why I asked the direct question. And I get suspicious, when a person won't talk about themselves at least in descriptive narrative biography form. So that's where it stands right now. I'm not encouraged to direct energy that direction right now -- I have big projects on my to-do list!! 

GS, sweetie... I'm happy you're here during this time I'm sorting out again, too. You journey inward to YOU - is quite the adventure, as you discover your real strengths - and the things you want to work on. I won't call them weaknesses, because really, what they are is your humanity. We can't ever be perfectly all things. And it may change depending on the day, the tides, and the moon too. 

That dream I had was ODD, in many ways. D#1 represented all the people who expect me fix their problems for them, I think... without ever offering me a thing in return. Yesterday's call from my mother was 40 minutes of her blabbing away with hardly a breath in-between and instantaneous shifts in subjects - if that was stream of consciousness, it's chaotic. And of course, she was talking AT me, not TO me, the whole time. I've gotten better at saying, I have to go now... (having done my good deed for the day; it doesn't bother me as much not having someone to talk to)... and then she lets on, that she had to have a rest for awhile but that she feels compelled to "do" something; a conflict she passed on to me. Well guess what? I've learned to ignore the "go do something" too. I can just sit and "be" a lot more than I used to. My mom is constantly seeking that parent-child duality of a relationship - it's the only one she's capable of - but she always wants to be the child in that duality. Just like D#1.

The contractors... well, I have a lot of irons in the fire. I've handed off tasks to various companies/people and they are to "get back to me" with estimates, quotes, ideas, etc. It's been 2 weeks... and well, I'm still not a patient person when I can clearly see what needs "doing". Even though I'm getting better at NOT seeing stuff, on purpose. It's all about choices. Maybe, too - the fact the guys were here working and I knew nothing about expecting them in the dream - was some kind communication issue. Maybe I'm not setting deadlines, being too accommodating. Too "nice". Time to dig out the drill sargent, where ever I put her. I've rationalized getting all this stuff started as contributing to making this property attractive to a potential buyer - or just to make it satisfy my sense of "order" for however much longer I stay here. Some of the tasks have been "on the list" since we moved in.

The yacht club people were having a meeting at my house (again, I wasn't privy to the planning or expecting them in the dream). There have been meetings here in the past -- and the comments about the house went a long, long way to meeting Mike's materialistic, status-symbol conscious sense of needing to "belong" in that group. I would always go hide, because I didn't want to get sucked into volunteering or coming up with ideas or anything... I wanted Mike to have HIS thing and HIS friends... so I could have a little breathing room and solitude. I simply didn't care for all of that... and truly, I've never been that "needy" for being part of a group. Sometimes the price is more than I want to pay, you know? And yes, I know that means I'm a bit of a control freak - I want to live my life on my terms and feel comfortable in my own skin doing it, without being tagged "anti-social", defensive or anything like that. I am just a little different than a lot of people in how much interaction I "need", even if I share the same need for connection, self-efficacy, and autonomy as everyone else.

I understand, too, that the world doesn't always keep what I "need" waiting for me, when I'm ready to participate. LOL... there's a price for maintaining this position, too.

[lighter]

Golly, Amber.

You certainly gave this guy your honesty. 

Considering his response....
maybe it's better that he didn't get your letter?

I'm less concerned about his lack of initiative than I am about his negative blaming assumptions.

Red flags all over the field for me.

And the lack of humor....
::shaking head::

Those might very well be deal breakers for me.

I'm hoping they'd be deal breakers for me.

Sorry that happened. 

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Oh, he got got my message. He's tried several times to reply - and I haven't gotten his responses. We have moved on to email and I was promised an inbox goodie this morning. One of the moderators at that forum, vouches for him... so I'll give it a chance. I can always use more friends. even if the other angles don't work out. I'm sure there will more to come on this front.

Meanwhile, I noticed I don't have nearly the same motivation to deal with this big old house here that I did before going to the cabin. I truly think I could just walk away and not look back. (She says, now...)

And I heard that another of Mike's racing team buddies has died (Monday) from the same thing. Stevie was only 55. There's enough of them now in heaven, to have a party.

[lighter]

Amber:

The internet thing is a pleasant distraction, if nothing else for you.  Good practice too.

About the house.... it takes so much energy, time, and money esp a house  at the beach.  Maybe you need a break from the constant grind of house maintenance?

Maybe it is time to do something else.

You don't have to make any decisions up front.  You could consider leasing out or renting, just to see how it feels?

It would be a huge motivation to finish up projects, that's for sure. 

Lighter

[Gaining Strength]

It is crazy how technology works to help us communicate, except of course when it doesn't.  .

About the house v the cabin, remember the wise adage about not making major decisions until a year has passed.  You have time.  And from what I have read across the years, you have reason to trust your judgement on such I,portent decisions.

I'll end by acknowledging how I understand your post about your mother.  My mother was always in need of my mothering.  Here's to you sense of boundaries!

[Hopalong]

Ever thought of a lovely condo in a quaint small town in a nature area?

Seems sorta in between ocean and mtns, I guess.

You could have your introvert space but when you do need people,
find the cafe...and hear some good gittar.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

   Hops

Possibly. Lots of "possibly s" right now. I drove past coming down Afton Mtn. I'm looking for a "sign"... another roadside attraction... some place that needs to be "filled" with what I can bring to it.

Another dream this morning:

A bunch of people including me and mine, were rounded up and evaluated by people who spoke some slavic language. I was deemed "safe" to release, and given papers, a bag of food and some money and sent on my way... and when I asked if I would be rejoined with Mike, there was only the shushing, and hurrying to send me off. And I woke up hollaring his name in my dream. He was no where to be found.

SIGH.

[sKePTiKal]

Well, I'm not rushing ANY major decisions... but that doesn't mean I can't start exploring some of those possibilities.

As they say in the financial world: past performance is no guarantee of future returns. And that goes for me, too. I am definitely different than I used to be -- back when I was chomping at the bit to immerse myself in "life", and conquer all the challenges it could throw at me. Back when I wanted to sample everything, to make that call for myself - like? don't like?

Something wacky has happened to my social persona however. Telling the story of my first night at the cabin, there is some other "character" in me waking up. The one without a bushel basket over her head, peeping out through the slats to see if it's going to be OK to be me. One who CAN talk, CAN negotiate, CAN set boundaries with other people... and without being too awkward about it. Just more, honoring my own little spot on the path I'm on. It's actually been good that people laughed at how I solved my problem. I can definitely see the humor in it... despite my own angst and (hops: I need a word here... for exasperation, disbelief, and mild disapproval)... at myself.

But I'm also really aware of how I feel here back at the beach. It's not that there are ghosts; that it's too big and empty; or that there is still so much left "to do"... I'm OK with all of that. I think. It's part of the process. I am dealing with pollen season - and it's everything at once this year - so I'm hoping in another week most of it will be down. It's almost like this place was always a "way station" in my mind; a resort hotel where the guests tend to stay a little longer. A place to cut loose, have a lot of disreputable fun in a safe, controlled environment where no one else will be disturbed. But it's like junk food; empty calories; nothing nutritious to really connect me to "place". People, I'm more connected to here... and even in that case, I've stayed at arms distance a lot. This place is very much a caravanserai -- an oasis on the silk road of life; an intersection of different cultures of people who stay awhile... before moving on again. Very FEW come and really stay.

It's funny how things become "I can'ts" too... because you know the partner in the relationship wouldn't approve or wouldn't like it. How one steps back half a step, and lets them step up into the spotlight or to be the "voice" for both of you.