Becoming "me"

[Hopalong]

In a rush but this makes TOTAL SENSE to me, once I learned that moving (even for positive reasons) is #2 on shrinks' lists of Life's Greatest Stressors.

And the reason is exactly what you're going through. The psyche does not WANT to move. It wants what is familiar, already known, and therefore (to the psyche) safer.

It's not rational. It's that when you move, you have to be HYPER-FUNCTIONAL. That's literally the only way to purge/pack/decide decide decide and then actually go through the exhaustion of DOING it.

You have to suppress your psyche's desire to slowly say farewell, to undo its tendrils of familiarity one tentacle at a time (nice octopus metaphor, eh?) -- as how the hell else do you get it done? It's a huge undertaking and you've put out huge effort. Physical AND mental.

So you feeling drained, anxious and overwhelmed is... completely, entirely sane. The inner you is sane and it's objecting, that's all.

Moving is an externally insane process requiring way too much. You're enduring it and will survive it. But yup.

So...take that time. Don't worry about what other people think. Sell house AS IS, put a Free Everything sign on the sidewalk with everything you're sick of Making Decisions About...and let it happen.

You ARE okay, you WILL BE okay. This whole process sucks just as much as your psyche is screaming it does.

You are very sane to be so tuned into it. You will have wonderful rest, soon, in a new space you are going to love.

Hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

...undo its tendrils of familiarity one tentacle at a time (nice octopus metaphor, eh?)

Yep; I like this one quite a bit. The poet showing through... and so much behind it - unspoken; but understood. We have a poolhouse mascot. He's a purple inflatable octopus who goes by the name "Pepe". Pepe's been cloned recently (or maybe they're sycophants)... so there are 3 of them now, plus "Claude the Crab".

Pepe is sort of an aging, but still virile (but harmless) rake. He's full of mischief as well. He hitched a ride down here years ago with my D, after helping her tend bar... and well, like so many people and this place... he just stayed. Think aging Hugh Hefner type, except he's round and purple-striped with bug-eyes.

The 'Banks are very much like a Silk Road Caravanserai. Lots of Marco Polo's and soldiers of fortune (and opportunists) come through here; stay awhile; some settle. Artists and poets, musicians of all genres. The full time population tends to be higher educated and more broadly experienced than I've found anywhere else, except for the large cities. And very, very self-reliant.

I guess I'll need to pay a visit to the ocean soon, before I go. It's been awhile. Living where I do, I can completely hibernate away from that main attraction and the crowds of people who flock to it and the wrath of the storms that blow in. It's easy to forget it's there. Early in the morning, before service people are going to work, the breeze drops and the air is totally still and there isn't a sound of human activity anywhere and in the background, the softly breaking surf beats out it's pulse on an ever-changing beach, dropping it's gifts of shells, flotsam and even sometimes whales.

This place makes it's own music and art, all by itself.

[Hopalong]

Just make sure you give Pepe away, too. You don't need him because you have his memory. And he'll make some little kid happy.

The mountains have their own oceans of joy and beauty you'll engage with deeply. Attaching one tentacle at a time.

You will always have your ocean, it will never be gone.

Love, simplicity, and know you are not your location, you're not lost
You are already found.
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Been busy; can see the light at the end of the tunnel!

And I finally committed to a date for the movers - 10/27-28 - and they allow a couple days leeway too. Guy will come look to see how much I have to try to estimate (more closely) the weight on Wednesday. But thanks to the storm, the thrift store postponed their pickup until the same day - so I'm going to have to be in 2 places at once that day. Making sure the thrift guys know what they're loading... and the moving guy knows what they won't.

I think my realtor is a little taken aback by how much "stuff" I'm letting go. I seriously can NOT WAIT until it's out of the house - LOL. I'm so mad at this storm throwing my schedule off too... LOL. But I really wasn't ready for last Wed's original pickup date (I'm still wrapping glass shelves & art work that I don't want) and I was POOPED.

The dental appt ramped up my anxiety to untold levels because the date/instructions were FUBAR'd from beginning to end. In the end, the placement of the anchor and the pain from it was nothing like what I had from the bone graft. I'll get stitches out next week - and then plan for months ahead for the last of the work to make a new tooth there.

I've finally started to get a full, good night's sleep again, but the energy levels still aren't up where I'd like yet. S'ok... I'll get there. Some of it is the early sunset; late sunrise - and it seems as though the October time change has been pushed into November, when I remember it used to happen before Halloween. It doesn't make a lot of sense to do that... but then the whole time change seems silly.

I've finally been able to let myself think about the new space a little. It's better if I know ahead of the move, where all the furniture is going to go, while I have movers to carry the stuff up/down steps. There is going to be a lot of stuff left in boxes for awhile, after I get there... while I assess the storage space and create what I need/want in different areas. Trying to decide where kitty food & box are going to "live" so that both of us are comfortable.

I think I'm at the point now, where the "lists" are irrelevant - I'm just "doing", "tossing" and "donating" as fast as I can.

Storm isn't going to bad for us - just wet; tomorrow might get a little windy - but I have most of the shutters down already because I just had the windows cleaned and I don't want the salty rain on them. I don't fear power outages like some people do. I've lived through so many of them, with only minor inconvenience that I never understand what all the fuss is about. And of course - I have a generator, batteries, and solar chargers. It's not a big deal to me.

The US has really lucked out with this storm; but poor Haiti! I saw news that said the US is sending the USS Mesa Verde to bring in relief and medical help.

[sKePTiKal]

The weather guessers were WRONG. The storm was way worse than they said it was going to be for us.

Actually, a hurricane still when it got here. I found out that a tankless HW heater - even gas powered - doesn't make hot, if there's no power. I coped, but I wished I'd taken a shower before going to bed the night before!! LOL. Yes, I have a whole house generator but the HW wasn't prioritized on it's support circuits. THEN, I made brunch - bacon & eggs - and indulged myself in a movie (on the ipad - cell service was iffy for a bit but it stayed up) and finished wrapping/packing the stuff for the thrift store pickup that was postponed from LAST Wed to this coming Wed... because they needed to prepare for the storm.

So, I've had to condense my schedule a week. I don't know if that's going to work or not -- and since the movers are flexible on the actual load date -- I'm going to have to keep telling myself it's not the end of the world if I move in November, instead of October. The office hasn't really been touched (and I won't have an office per se at the new place) and the main garage needs a lot of work. Then, it's just finishing up in all the rooms.

Realtor is breathing down my neck to list - because Oct is normally a really good month. But I have a feeling the storm might give some people pause... so I don't think it's going to hurt to let that fade a little from memory. My wall ovens still aren't fixed - waiting on parts (do NOT buy exotic appliances) - and they're sitting on floor jacks in front the cabinets still.

Right now, I can't remember what my LISTS were for - LOL. I'm too busy doing what's right in front of me. Except for the storm... where I obsessed over information - and whether it matched what my own weather sense was telling me. (It did NOT; and I took a lot of crap from people when I suggested the NHC & NWS might be wrong... HA.) People said I let my anxiety color my expectations and it wasn't going to happen. Right. I'm not the one with 3 trees on my house.

But, "I told ya so" isn't going to come out of my mouth. It was a pretty bad storm; felt like the earth was screaming - the wind howled that high-pitched rending wail - and even today, the wind is STILL roaring some times.

[lighter]

How scary, Amber!

So much to be grateful for, house still standing, and certainly everyone is going to need to push back schedules and regroup after this storm... not just you.

Breath...... keep moving, and don't forget to self care.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Whew.
I'm so glad you're okay Amber...and sorry you didn't have company for the storm.

Except brave kitty.

Having your house come through Matthew unscathed is a selling point, though!

Hugs,
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Thanks guys. I was so lucky in fact, that I didn't really appreciate how serious this is. Then I took a quick drive down to the mailboxes and dumpsters, to see if I could make use of them, to lighten my moving load. Maybe when the water goes down. The soundside neighborhood is a lake; the sound pushed all the way across the road on that side of the peninsula; and my road (which has better elevation) had water as far as I could see, starting about a block north.

Neighborhood across the creek has water where they haven't had it, since the Ash Wednesday storm in the early 60's; trees blocking the roads, on houses, etc. Beach Rd undermined just SOUTH of where they've fixed it 3-4 time since Sandy, at the KH beach house. Everything between the highways is still under water although they've begun pumping in several places. The Belk shopping center parking lot was under water up to car windows. I've never seen it flood there since we've been here.

Emergency operations council restricted access for a day or two, to traffic across the bridges. Had to be permanent resident and/or PERMITTED business owner/employee or utility worker. I think they'll start lifting that restriction pretty soon and gradually work up to allowing visitors again. Power is mostly back on; still some areas that are waiting.

They are still doing water rescues, inland, as the rivers & creek flow and flood downstream. So far, everyone else I know affected by the storm has checked in OK. The wind is finally slowing down here; so I'm splitting my time between working in the garage (packing) and cleaning up the drive and pool patio. Landscape crew chief called yesterday and said as soon as their employees can come across the bridge, they'll be here to clean up and mulch. I'm on top of a hill, relatively speaking, compared to a lot of other people who live here. There are higher spots just east of me; between me and the ocean.

I have a funny feeling that stuff like this is going to happen on a more frequent basis and that is one reason for me to head back to the hills... and not own any property here. I imagine I'll be back for vacations again - like we did before we bought this place - it's that nice and peaceful in the fall (except for storms-LOL) but I really want to be on higher ground.

[sKePTiKal]

Quick update (because if I don't dawdle too much in the mornings, I seem to get more done)...

Another day, more work packing and tossing... and trying to decide if I need another week to be ready. Yes, I'm really tired and I need to find time to just slug for a day - but there isn't one in the schedule.

Yes, I'm "behind" - because the thrift store's truck broke down and trying to find a place to stack boxes (and keep making boxes) is getting harder & harder... and it feels like I'm losing this momentum because I don't have that space that this truckload of donations is taking up. Seeing empty space would really help propel me more hours of the day. And now, I'm second-guessing the whole project & my motivations... but hey! This place hasn't looked this good, since we moved in. LOL. Except for the piles of crap that is supposed to "leave".

[Hopalong]

You are moving a mountain one teaspoon at a time, PR.
No wonder you're weary. I hope today goes well and some oasis
of a moment slips in anyhow.

Don't ask your exhausted brain to convince you the new move
is right, just now. It will have plenty to say but not objectively
and not necessarily in your best interests. When you're THIS
tired, your brain gets even with you, with unhelpful thoughtstreams.

I would imagine for six months or a year after you move,
you might feel like living very very very easily....or I know
I did. More's the truth, it took me considerable time to
recover and even four years later I still work at that.

Moving really is hell. Moving right after losing your spouse
is Dante's idea of a fun weekend.

You will be okay, hon. And it will feel so good when stuff
gets picked up and you can see the space as space. Rather
than upset, as my acceptance of my move grew (while I
was selling the family place) I actually began to enjoy
visualizing new people in it, enjoying it. I had started
to move on even before the truck was loaded.

It was hard, though. Moving is like being transplanted
when you're a 50-year-old tree, and sharp shovels are
banging into your roots, half your familiar dirt is gone,
there's a hurricane while you're shivering in burlap
beside the hole so you fall over, and you don't like the
look of the truck at all.

But there's a lovely spot waiting for you, on a mountainside.
And soon enough, you'll remember that this was where
your species first found its strength.

love
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Thanks Hops.
The logjam is finally starting to open up and move freely on the current again. I might give myself 1 more week to be ready -- and to REST -- before the day of the move, rather than try to compress it all and run myself into the ground to be ready by a week from now.

Now, the bills are rolling in. <choke!!> My yard looks BETTER than the day I moved in here, 2 weeks after a hurricane. And while my neighbors are still waiting for the lakes in their yards to recede. I keep my head down and wear a hat, so I can't be recognized. My problems are so minor compared to theirs. The pitchforks and torches will be out... and they'll stand in front of my place... hollaring "witch!!!"

Yesterday was a day of appts "out"... so my teeth have been cleaned, I've reviewed my investments, and I voted. From the looks of the lines, and the fact one of my acquaintances the poll worker, said that there were 50 people waiting to get in when she opened the door, there is going to be a historic voter turnout number from this election.

My main investment guy is originally from Canada, and still has a cottage he spends time at in the summers. He knows exactly what is attracting me back to snow-land right now and why the possibility that I'll only have dial-up speed internet is attractive. He's an intriguing guy, might as well get that out of the way. Very smart in the ways of the world and probably very married, too. OH WELL. The local investment guy is my friend - but he's my kids' age.

There were several impromptu conversations standing in line to vote. One thing I noticed is that NO ONE asked anyone else who they were voting for. I just love old-fashioned societies and communities.   It used to be it wasn't any more polite to ask that question than to ask how much money you made. We didn't care if our queue mates were liberals or conservatives - they were neighbors. I so enjoyed the 2 hours I waited for my turn to push the buttons.

Makes me think that people got swindled by an empty promise of "world peace & understanding" when Facebook and other things encouraged people to turn themselves, their thoughts & feelings inside out and share it all with the world. In fact, if I'm perceiving things accurately, it would seem the masses believe there's something WRONG with people who are more private and don't share every single activity and thought and bodily function with the whole world. I guess this is how we got to the world of micro-aggressions, "safe spaces", and treating normal human experience as it all were trauma.

<shakes head> If they only knew what people here had been through and WHY those terms were necessary... but then, I'm not sure a lot of the people who feel compelled to plaster themselves all over the internet CAN feel embarassment or shame... <shakes head, mutters to self, and walks back to hermit's cave...>

As usual, my planning experience allowed an extra week for having to deal with unexpected things, before my real drop-dead-line, which is Nov. 8th. - and this year election day falls on my birthday again  - and for whatever reason my intuition is telling me I HAVE TO, no excuses, be moved by that day. I still have to come back here. There are things the movers can't take - and I just don't think I'm going to be able to swing rounding up a couple of guys and renting a truck BEFORE we load up for the big move. I'm trying to be flexible and just accept things like this for what it is, and realize it's probably BETTER this way.

You are absolutely right about the 6 months after, Hops. All I want to do is watch the light in this new place, from sunup to sundown, say hi to the trees and the rocks, and start to absorb the energy of the place... while I keep monkeymind busy unpacking and arranging.

[sKePTiKal]

Hi. Process is "going"... and SOME of my thrift store donation has been picked up; they have to come back Friday to get the big stuff. I seem to keep running into the old "why are things harder than they have to be?" problem... or whole systems are broken and not working well (like the dentist appt communication/appt fiasco)...

I don't think I have enough boxes; need some bigger ones again for bedding and some packing paper for the remaining glass kitchen stuff.

I'm starting earlier in the day - and completely going brain-dead and immobile right after dark - dark to dark and lots of energy expended in between. And for all this over-caffienated analysis... I really AM starting to focus on room by room - git R done - and move on.

Other parts of my life - like the business, people, etc - have gotten neglected while I'm doing this, but there just isn't enough of me to go around. Mike's sibs had some legal stuff they needed me to provide, and couldn't seem to explain it to me - I thought I SENT them what they asked for - so I called in the probate lawyer to "make that go away".

I still have change of address/post office stuff to take care of too.

Time to get dressed and go to work and stop drinking coffee.

[sKePTiKal]

Another famous Amber "DUH" moment...

this morning I just realized that I have spent 3 months and will spend beaucoup bucks to move Mike's "stuff" that I'm keeping; CAN'T let go of it yet... or I see value in it...

and I have 2 days now, to pack "Amber's stuff" - important files, the sewing/art stuff that I've hauled around since 1988, my clothes, books, etc.

And I'm remembering how I was able to pack & leave hubs #2 in exactly 2 days... and it was about that same amount of "stuff" that I actually claimed as "mine". That was all there was and all I needed... and there really wasn't anything "more" to me.

Butter my buns and call me a biscuit... no WONDER I feel competing amounts of pressure from inside and out. Friday is load the truck day... Saturday is drive... and Monday will be unload day, unless the guys work on Sunday.

Remind me again how much I detest and am disrupted and completely thrown off balance by all Michael's "stuff".... I feel like such a dumbass.

Just had to mark this here so I don't lose it... no guarantee I have a cell signal at the new place and to organize getting communication services at the new place... wasted 45 minutes of Monday as I tried to overcome customer service's illiteracy... and belief that the computer is the master of all knowledge - look no further.

Apparently I'm going to an address that simply doesn't exist -- because it's not in her computer:

mispelled  (I spelled it 3 times for her, so it was also mistyped most likely)

old rural route address written in the wrong order

and don't you know she'll snail me a form at the address I won't be living at???? and couldn't comprehend that I need it send to the address that - according to the computer - doesn't exist.


Hahahahahahahahahahahahaa                  I am so tired I've decided I'm not going to do ANYTHING the first week there; just sit and stare at the boxes and look out the windows and walk around (if I have something bright orange to wear; it's hunting season).

[lighter]

Well..... I;'m sorry you packed and moved so much of Mike's stuff.  I so wanted your new space to have clear clean uncluttered space filled only with items that bring you joy......

at least for a while.

At least in the first months..... while you unfold yourself, and learn to breath on your own without it.

Just BEING in your space.  Sitting and doing nothing at first sounds like a solid plan to me.

::nodding::

Safe travels.... what a wonderful time to be in the WV mountains!  I've enjoyed the change of color so much.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

How long's it been since the last update? The interim has been a total BLUR and whirlwind and I now know what is beyond tired. Even Holly said, "You're being kind of a jerk"... and I had to explain to her that I was so completely totally drained of any more energy on any level - I couldn't even make decisions - and yet, the movers expected me to know where everything should go and what was in the box and I was at the point where I'd look at something and wonder what THAT was.

I guess that's why after a battle, soldiers have that empty, 1000-yard stare. I "needed" - not just thought I needed, really needed - physical rest & sustenance & a hug & someone who understood that there was a huge emotional cost involved in simply making a decision to something in a box or NOT.

The cat... oh, the cat sagas. At the beach house, I could contain her in the laundry room so the movers could keep the doors open all the time. BUT, that meant I had to catch her before they got there. That didn't always happen. The final loading day, she had a couple hours free to roam the house before I smooshed her into a cage and wedged her into the space I designed in the jam-packed jeep.

She is a "potty kitty", so the master bath was her "safe space" here, too. Except I felt so sorry for her (and truth be known myself) I made the mistake of going in to visit with her a minute... and Holly & I chased her to a tiny dark, dirty corner under the steps downstairs. I finally wrapped a towel around her and got her put back.

And just now, I heard a tiny noise... and she was out here on the porch. I don't know how she opened the door... but the deck wraps all the way around... and she has been making laps. She hasn't found the steps yet. I got her to walk inside, but she ran back out before I could get the door open. Then, she looked in the door... and ran off again when I opened it. SIGH. It's cold and windy out here and I STILL cling to this cat like a security blanket, but I'm going to have to go in and hope she comes to her senses and wanders in through the slightly open door herself. She is NOT an outside cat.

I want to go down to the little cabin today and turn the heat on before it gets any colder. And I was going to leave in a hour or two so I can get back this afternoon to get a room somewhat ready for Holly & Matt this weekend. And the cat has other ideas... I will be beside myself if anything happens to her, but she's apparently got her own ideas about what she wants to do and where she wants to be right now. I thought she'd forgiven me the trauma of the move and maybe she has - but she wants to explore as much as I do.

Oh, what to do... LOL.  Right now, I'm not chasing her - letting her explore the deck. It's too high for her to jump from and there is a cliff and koi pond out back that would NOT be good to fall into. But I'm not going to be able to get close to her until she's ready. There are things here that will EAT her, if she becomes an outdoor cat and I need my kitty... and of course, will blame myself too. Crap.