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Understanding People

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sKePTiKal:
Something new is starting to make the rounds, by way of describing some types of people. The category is "Extroverted Introverts". LOL. A paradoxical contradiction in terms. But the description of the kind/style of relationship these types prefer kinda sounds apt.

Cocktail parties or any place that involves superficial chit-chat interactions is sheer hell for this type of person. Too much sensory overload, no attempt to really connect person to person, sort of emotional bumper cars is extremely exhausting... which causes the person to wish to retreat and "recover" back in their safe cocoon world of semi-isolation. The extroverted introvert is looking for a deep conversation, real honest expressions of real self - person to person; a more authentic connection and exploration of the other person. There is less of a need for that dominant-submissive or parent-child; giving-receiving duality in these people. That kind of emotional transaction isn't really necessary (altho can be nice at times)... it's more needing a longer time and bigger space for two people to "be" together, while retaining most of their separate individual selves, with boundaries.

The relationships between 2 people like this require a lot more freedom/flexibility from the "shoulda, woulda, couldas" of what we learn are the rules of relationships as we grow up. If a relationship develops between an E-I, and another type - a lot of times, they'll be described as "very intense" or even "withdrawn"... two opposites on the scale of sharing, you know? I find that 5 minutes of scrolling through my FB newsfeed is hypnotic... my brain goes numb... one more meme and my sarcasm reflex is going to bust from the pressure of trying to hold in my opinion about idiotic most of that stuff really is; it's 10 yr old level maturity (and I mean emotional not intellectual most of the time). But on the other hand, groups of live people in a space really wears out my force field batteries. Too much noise in particular - that is impossible to decipher because it's 30 different conversations - seems to be one clear example. (So noisy restaurants or bars? Thank you no; next time maybe somewhere quieter?)

Unfortunately, I am starting to see a lot of people (mostly under 30) as hungry little birds with their mouths open to be fed (exactly how much, what & when is very precise) some kind of emotional "gold star" just for "being" a special little someone. And when that's not forthcoming, because some of us believe relationships are a two-way street... they turn into the worst kind of spoiled brat. This kind of thing is spreading as society is telling adults to indulge their inner child, and expecting pre-teens to look, think and act like adults. Thankfully there are exceptions to that generalization. Very notable examples of something completely different.

I think we as individuals, have been browbeat by society's struggle with "identity rights" into accepting that there is something wrong with us if we don't accept bad behavior in a relationship or toward ourselves. And it's a conflation or confusion of respect for individuality with being coerced into accepting abuse from other people. I'm not buying that. But then, I've never confused the labels people claim for themselves with the people themselves. Society could use a whole lot more of that awareness, methinks.

Oh, and I'm starting to see what the criteria are for being a "grown up". Finally. At almost 60 - LOL. It's not real solid yet, there are a lot of "mature adults" I know who aren't grown ups... and a lot of kids who already are. But that's another topic and only diagonally is related to this one. Sometimes how grown up a person is, really matters to the type of relationship that can exist.

(Another random musing on a topic with today's fleeting and mutable perspective by the old PR...LOL)

Twoapenny:
I find I have a thing in my head about wasting time?  I'm not sure if that's the right way to describe it but things like social chit chat - I'm good with that for an hour or so but any longer and I need it to be leading somewhere or I feel like it's just a waste of my time and I could be doing something else I prefer to do (or something that needs doing and is bugging me because I want it finished).  And I wonder if that's where a lot of my problems with this sort of thing come from?  Deep connections are something I crave very deeply but I do find they are few and far between and I find I don't really want 'just a coffee' where I will spend yet another two hours listening to someone talk about things that I'm not interested in and I don't feel like I want to open up to people in situations like that?  So it seems pointless to do it at all.

I am struggling at the moment with a friend who blows hot and cold.  She's a very good friend in a lot of ways and I don't want to lose that friendship; our children are friends as well and I love that, but I do find it difficult to cope with no contact at all for weeks or months at a time and then a flurry of phone calls, emails, texts and requests to get together which all subside again and we go back to no contact.  I find I can't really manage my emotions and if I don't hear from somebody for a long time I find I sort of shut down and find it hard to want to spend time with them again?

Anyway - enough early morning musing!  Time to get up, I think :)

Twoapenny:
I'm astounded again at how much about myself I don't notice for years and then suddenly I see it and it's so obvious I don't know how I've missed it.  Nothing about my life is as I want it.  I don't live the way I want to live, I don't spend my days doing what I love to do, I'm not with people I love to be with, I'm not spending time in places that I love to be in, I don't even wear the sort of clothes I really love to wear.  And I can see so clearly - and why it's happened today I don't know - that I've never felt that I deserve those things in my life and so instead I live the life of a drudge, making do and putting up and tolerating and not rocking the boat or upsetting anyone or making any kind of demand or assertion about myself or what I want.  I don't know why I didn't see this before.  Anyway, time to change that.

lighter:
Tupp:

It IS time for change: )

How will it begin? 

It gives me chills to think about the mindful cultivation of joy in your life. 

It's your time.

::nodding::

Lighter

Hopalong:
I am feeling great loss of the years when friends talked on the phone for frequent long chats, when letters were exchanged now and then. I remember adapting to email--at first suspicious--then delighted at how satisfying real correspondences were still possible, only faster.

But now even my email Inbox remains mostly empty of anything personal. People are tethered to their devices and even when present, I'm shocked by how many people keep checking their phones. It's disturbing and looks addictive and I loathe it.

Now that almost everyone has migrated to ****ing Facebook, my phone is nearly silent, and if I didn't reach out very deliberately, I could spend days without speaking to another soul. I do have friends and I do host gatherings. But still I just HATE the way social media has taken over. I feel isolated and more alone, yet everything knowledgeable I read about FB says that, with the exception of catching up with far-flung friends (or for the homebound) -- for the rest of most regular users, FB use INCREASES loneliness overall.

And the only reason FB exists is to mine users' data and develop horrifyingly sophisticated algorithms that reduce everyone to a click. A profitable click. Its privacy invasions creep me out and so I have held off. But, I do miss out socially because of that stubbornness.

Anyway, just a rant. Ending!

Hops

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