Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Understanding People
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: teartracks on February 24, 2016, 09:22:35 PM ---
--- Quote ---I've been thinking a bit over the last few days about relationships and how mine don't tend to be very successful and I wondered what, if any, tips others have used to improve their relationships and/or create new, healthy ones?
--- End quote ---
Your post has shown me that I've never defined (for my own personal use) what constitutes relationship. I can't define it from my own personal view or experience (which I think is for all practical purposes where a definition matters most). My comprehension of it is about as stable as a floater in the eye where it floats by from time to time, I know it's there but if I think of it at all, it's only fleetingly along the lines, ummm I still have that floater. So now I'm going to work at determining exactly what constitutes 'a relationship' for me. Is it the short chat I have with a cashier at the box store while checking out? Is it what transpires when an old classmate gets in touch for the first time since we took classes together to 'catch' up without ever calling again? Is it what lies behind the ability of me and one of my grandchildren to talk for an hour about a philosophical idea/belief? Is it aunt so and so whose advice is priceless, but to whom I only go when I want her advice? Is it my old college friend whose timing is so out of sync with mine that I considered abandoning our friendship years ago, but after much thought decided that I would commit to our friendship/relationship, clenching it for the rest of our lives? Is it the housekeeper with whom I chat casually and briefly once a week and who makes the house shine because she is dedicated to pleasing her client? Is it my Pastor who consistently turns out a great sermon regularly which impacts my life positively without any person to person, sit down and chat exchange? Is it a one night stand or is it a marriage that lasts for 50 years? Is it someone we hang out with in social media? I could go on and on asking these kinds of questions (I'm that ignorant about it all) but I think I get the point. I'm simply not able to express what constitutes 'relationship' to me personally at this time. I think what is at the forefront for me regarding your question is that I am positive that I have many good relationships and friendships, it's just that I've never analyzed the why and how come of how they came about. Twoapenny, hopefully your post will be the impetus behind my figuring this out.
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Hi TT, the whole 'what is a relationship' area has been a difficult one for me too (and still is), particularly because one thing I notice about myself is that I have different expectations of different people and I have struggled to work out why that is. I have struggled terribly in more recent years with two things in particular - one is friends who just go off me for some reason and just stop returning my calls and the other has been people who have stopped contacting me when I've put certain boundaries in place.
I think what I want in a friendship, whether a platonic or a romantic one, is for there to be honesty between the two of us that doesn't crush either person (ie, being able to say, I'm sorry I haven't got time to meet/talk/help you out at the moment but how about next weeekend?), to be able to have boundaries without that ending the friendship (I like spending time with you but I don't want to listen to you complain about your boyfriend for an hour again this week), to be able to have fun in a mutually convenient way (I can't get out because I don't have a babysitter but how about you come over here?) and I think an awareness or respect for each other's situation (I have a long list now of people who I have considered friends who have sat in my house saying unpleasant things about disabled people and people on low incomes when my son is disabled and I am on a low income).
What I've realised (and your post helped me realise this) is that I haven't done all of those things, even thought it's what I want to have. So I've not been honest with a friend who's been draining me with their problems and said I'm sorry, I'm too tired to listen to this at the moment, and I've not remonstrated with people who have made comments I've found upsetting and offensive (for fear of upsetting or offending them), I've been so hurt when people I love - like my older sister - have walked out of my life when I've put boundaries in place (don't keep turning up unannounced, you need to ring first).
I've also realised that I've outgrown a lot of people, at a frightening rate in recent months, and I feel bad about not staying in touch with people who have helped me out in the past. I have three friends I'm thinking of specifically at the moment who did a lot for me years ago when I was going through a particularly bad time but if I'm completely honest I just don't enjoy their company very much any more - a coffee every now and again is fine but more than that isn't enjoyable for me. And I feel terrible for saying that, I feel snobby and condescending and that I'm turning my back on people who've been kind in the past. And that's something I think I need to work on because I can see that I feel very obliged to people for being nice to me and I feel I owe them something for ever more. From the other perspective, I know I want people in my life who want to be around me because they enjoy my company, not because they feel obliged or like they owe me something, so I'm sure those other people would feel the same way so I really need to work on that (I've even muddled myself up now, it all gets very confusing!). But I think basically I have finally realised I need to work on myself more and then I think (hope) that the relationship thing will start to work a little bit better - fingers crossed! :) xx
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on February 24, 2016, 11:13:32 PM ---I am feeling great loss of the years when friends talked on the phone for frequent long chats, when letters were exchanged now and then. I remember adapting to email--at first suspicious--then delighted at how satisfying real correspondences were still possible, only faster.
But now even my email Inbox remains mostly empty of anything personal. People are tethered to their devices and even when present, I'm shocked by how many people keep checking their phones. It's disturbing and looks addictive and I loathe it.
Now that almost everyone has migrated to ****ing Facebook, my phone is nearly silent, and if I didn't reach out very deliberately, I could spend days without speaking to another soul. I do have friends and I do host gatherings. But still I just HATE the way social media has taken over. I feel isolated and more alone, yet everything knowledgeable I read about FB says that, with the exception of catching up with far-flung friends (or for the homebound) -- for the rest of most regular users, FB use INCREASES loneliness overall.
And the only reason FB exists is to mine users' data and develop horrifyingly sophisticated algorithms that reduce everyone to a click. A profitable click. Its privacy invasions creep me out and so I have held off. But, I do miss out socially because of that stubbornness.
Anyway, just a rant. Ending!
Hops
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I've been astonished just this week at how difficult it is to buy writing sets now; there are lots of boxes of notecards that you can scribble something brief in but I wanted proper old fashioned paper with matching envelopes and in the end I had to look online as nowhere near us sold anything like that. I did try Facebook in the interests of trying to be more sociable but I found people ignore me just as much on there as they do in real life so I gave up. I'm like you Hopsie, I find the constant checking and faffing about on phones mind numbing, I do have a couple of friends I have long phone conversations with and they're like gold dust now. I think there's such a focus on everything being done very quickly, there's not as much depth. I was watching that CatFish programme over Christams; I don't know if you've ever seen it but it's about people who 'fall in love' online and the person they've fallen for turns out not to be who they claim to be. Some of the stories were really sad, kids who've been so badly bullied in school that online contact is the only friendship they get for example, but in a lot of cases I was astonished at the number of people who've been communicating for over a year purely by text and social media - they've never spoken on the phone or met up in real life and I just found that quite amazing (and quite sad, particularly as some of them had really fallen hard and finding out they'd fallen in love with a phantom was heart breaking for them).
I have found one of the reasons a lot of my friendships have broken down is because people don't have time to talk on the phone. Even catching people in is difficult a lot of the time.
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: lighter on February 24, 2016, 06:16:10 PM ---Tupp:
It IS time for change: )
How will it begin?
It gives me chills to think about the mindful cultivation of joy in your life.
It's your time.
::nodding::
Lighter
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Lighter, it's funny how these things are there all the time but we don't see them and then suddenly, BAM! It's so obvious. I've been hiding away, trying not to attract attention, not to attract criticism, not laying myself open to more abuse allegations by being 'seen' in anyway. Where money's concerned I find spending it on myself very very hard to do; clothes are usually from charity shops or if I buy new it's the cheapest I can find. I looked in my wardrobe and there wasn't a single thing in there that I wanted to wear, it's all just 'that'll do'. I went for acupuncture a couple of days ago and I realised when I came out that I'm wasting my money on things like that because my life style is so punishing that I undo all that lovely relaxation within a couple of days of the treatment and spend the next six weeks really uptight and exhausted again.
So - in the interests of coming back to life I have dyed my hair red - I used henna as I don't like chemical stuff and I went for a chestnut sort of red rather than bright red, if that makes sense? But I love it, my hair looks really healthy and you can kind of catch the red in it when the sun's on it so it looks quite natural (as much as dyed hair can anyway!). I ordered some new clothes online. I found that really hard - I just don't spend money on things like that - but I've gone for a few bits from companies that sell fair trade products and I've got a little corner of colour in my wardrobe now, it makes me smile when I open the door. I've decided to make meditating and yoga/exercise a priority in my day and try and do them first thing; usually I put the 'me' stuff at the end of the list and don't get round to it but I've put it to the front now and I do feel better for it already. I'm trying to clean up our diet and I was pouring over recipe books last night picking out the healthiest stuff and thinking of ways to get my son involved more; made me think of you with your D and all the sugar free cooking. We've delayed moving so my son can have some more tests done, only by a few months but it's given me time to slow down a bit which I think is good xx
Twoapenny:
I've just done a very short meditation I found on YouTube about healing rejection. This is something I have suffered with for so many years; I feel any kind of rejection so acutely and I carry it around for so long. It's such a heavy burden and I hate the way it makes me feel and think but I've really struggled to do anything with it.
In the meditation the chap quite simply says that when someone rejects you it just means that they are searching for happiness the same way that you are and that, for whatever reason, they can't take you on their journey. My initial pang on hearing that was rejection again: "Oh! They want to be happy and they can't be with me around. They don't want me." It was there for a second and then, poof, it all made so much sense and I literally felt that huge weight lifting from me, because suddenly it doesn't feel like it's personal or that it's because there's something wrong with me, it's just 'because' and that's okay. It's also made me feel better about leaving other people behind; it's something that I struggle with and feel terribly guilty about if I don't want to be around someone anymore because I've just gone off them a bit but I suddenly don't feel so bad about doing that.
lighter:
Tupp:
It made me feel very glad to read about your new spot of color in the closet.
I actually got chills reading about your practicing yoga and meditation on a regular basis. It's creating sacred space inside ourselves. I picture you doing it in a very tidy sunny place..... a sacred space for sacred work: )
I'm sending prayers for continued healing for you and your son.
You might put off your move for a bit, but it's coming, and you'll be ready for it.
Lighter
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