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Understanding People
Gaining Strength:
Twos penny, I too have thought there a double whammy fallout from a mother incapable of loving, a pretend kind of mother. Mine looked good from the outside but she was incapable of caring, loving, supporting, nourishing, nurturing. It left a hole for me, a deepest ache. As I look back, I see that those I encountered who had had that love soon ran tired of me, my distrust, dark side full of cyan sims and I found those who had been loved naive, surfacey and focused on the shallow. Only much later did I see it differently. I see both how and why I'm drawn to other broken beings, why I rejected those not so fully cracked open and how my own wounding kept me unwittingly angry and isolated.
Until very recently, my goal was to be "restored" to lost friendships and form of life. That will never happen, nor should it. But I can experience healing and loss of bitterness, perhaps even joy. In time it will be revealed.
After my husband died when our son was an infant, I struggled with profound depression and anxiety. I found myself and my child excluded over and over again and my heart was so hardened. Bit by bit I struggled to make friends, find some level of inclusion and slowly I had bits of success, but I never lost hope for restoration of lost friendships, a longing so deep and so painful. But as I started down this most recent path of healing I found all of that longing fall away, exposing raw pain opened to the air as if for healing of a sort I had not imagined. I have no idea what sort of relationships might come about but I do sense it will no longer be that I am perpetually drawn to the broken whose wounds are so familiar but whose wounds also make it easy to mistake some interactions for rejection. In our most wounded we can so easily misunderstand kindnesses and in our needs see rejection where none is or even need more than someone has to give. That was both true of me and of several whose friendship I sought. That brokenness can render such crazy longing and needs and perspectives.
I'm thinking of you and your precious son. -GS
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Gaining Strength on March 05, 2016, 10:55:33 AM ---Twos penny, I too have thought there a double whammy fallout from a mother incapable of loving, a pretend kind of mother. Mine looked good from the outside but she was incapable of caring, loving, supporting, nourishing, nurturing. It left a hole for me, a deepest ache. As I look back, I see that those I encountered who had had that love soon ran tired of me, my distrust, dark side full of cyan sims and I found those who had been loved naive, surfacey and focused on the shallow. Only much later did I see it differently. I see both how and why I'm drawn to other broken beings, why I rejected those not so fully cracked open and how my own wounding kept me unwittingly angry and isolated.
Until very recently, my goal was to be "restored" to lost friendships and form of life. That will never happen, nor should it. But I can experience healing and loss of bitterness, perhaps even joy. In time it will be revealed.
After my husband died when our son was an infant, I struggled with profound depression and anxiety. I found myself and my child excluded over and over again and my heart was so hardened. Bit by bit I struggled to make friends, find some level of inclusion and slowly I had bits of success, but I never lost hope for restoration of lost friendships, a longing so deep and so painful. But as I started down this most recent path of healing I found all of that longing fall away, exposing raw pain opened to the air as if for healing of a sort I had not imagined. I have no idea what sort of relationships might come about but I do sense it will no longer be that I am perpetually drawn to the broken whose wounds are so familiar but whose wounds also make it easy to mistake some interactions for rejection. In our most wounded we can so easily misunderstand kindnesses and in our needs see rejection where none is or even need more than someone has to give. That was both true of me and of several whose friendship I sought. That brokenness can render such crazy longing and needs and perspectives.
I'm thinking of you and your precious son. -GS
--- End quote ---
GS, so much of that really resonated with me and it is so painful, I'm sorry you're going/have been through it too. My mum looked great on the outside; she hid her drinking very well, the house was always immaculate, nice meals cooked, clean clothes, nice birthday and Christmas presents and so on. But all served up with catty comments and little put downs and days of not being spoken to because we'd done something wrong and having to constantly tiptoe around her in order to avoid making her angry, acting as her friend and confidante, all focus being on her and making her happy. We were just invisible. And I feel I've made a lot of friends who are like that over the years; if you're happy to listen to them and help them out and lend them money and so on everything goes well, but putting in boundaries or expecting a bit of listening from them in turn didn't go well and those friendships have fallen. It hurt enormously, I've struggled so much over the years but I realise now I have a small number of very good friends, very healthy relationships and I'm trying really hard to focus on them and them alone and not to keep worrying about not having 'enough' - I think I feel like I need to have dozens but really one good friend is worth a dozen scrappy ones. It does shape us, doesn't it, and takes such a long time to reshape! We can only keep trying :) Thank you for your thoughts, thinking of you and yours too :) x
Twoapenny:
Well today was my son's birthday, presents, birthday outing and pirate party all went very well despite a last minute disaster when we found the road we needed was closed and we had to go along a very lengthy diversion that was one long traffic jam but we managed to get there just in the nick of time and all was saved. He's in his room now with his new computer game and I've realised that today has been a pretty big turning point for me, too.
I got dressed in my new, colourful clothes this morning and immediately felt so self conscious and daft that I took them off and put my old, tatty clothes on. I thought about it a little and realised that I think I am trying to avoid taking responsibility for things, in order to avoid criticism. If my clothes are old, donated by friends or from charity shops, mismatched etc I can just say I can't afford anything else or I'm too busy, I just chuck on the first thing I come to (which is what I usually do). Wearing new clothes, specially purchased and in bright colours, means I've made decisions and picked things out, which means people can criticise my choices. So ..............I put the new clothes back on and of course, no-one paid any attention to what I was wearing anyway because - and I am slowly starting to realise this - not everyone in the world sits on their bum critiquing other people's outfits - most people have better things to do. So I wore the new clothes and everything was lovely.
My 'friends' and sister, who all live ten minutes up the road, haven't even bothered to phone for my son's birthday, let alone brought round a card for him or to wish him a happy day. Usually this would upset me enormously but today I realised that we actually have a nicer day without listening to the latest family drama or the gossip from the pub or whatever other nonsense they all go on about. So instead of feeling upset I actually felt quite pleased; I feel I have escaped that yoke somehow and have no need to contact them or feel bad about not seeing them. All good.
Lastly there was a letter from the hospital when we got home and another false claim has been made about me. It isn't a big one and it's easy enough to deal with but, none the less, very unprofessional and the latest in probably about two dozen now that we have had to deal with. They tend to do this when one of the doctors has made a mistake regarding my son's treatment and they shift the focus from their shoddy work onto my parental capability. Why they still think this will slip past me unnoticed I don't know but anyway, usually this would be very triggering for me. I did feel angry and if the woman had been here at that moment I would have given her a right mouthful but that passed quickly, I feel calm again now, I'm going to tidy up, cook dinner and then start drafting a correction letter. It's annoying but hasn't caused anything like the tsunami of emotion it usually would so that is really good.
One thing did happen today that annoyed me and it is something that I want to start working on. I was decorating the van with all our home made decorations (very lovely it looked too) and my neighbour came for a look, she's one of those people that seems nice on the surface but always manages to get a little dig in. I was telling her about our plans for the day and what we were going to do and she was oohing and aahing and saying how lovely it all sounded and then added "It's just a shame he doesn't have any friends to enjoy it with". These are the sorts of comments I want to start dealing with; my default response is always to not upset the other person by putting them straight. So I really need to work on that, it was rude, inaccurate and completely uncalled for and I need to find a way to respond to those sort of things immediately rather than letting them by and then being cross with myself afterwards.
So a good day all round, feeling very happy and looking forward to my bed later :)
Hopalong:
I just wanna smack that neighbor. UGH.
Very Happy Pirate Day to Tuppkid, and kudos to Tuppflower for sporting her new togs!
love,
Hops
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on March 05, 2016, 01:37:07 PM ---I just wanna smack that neighbor. UGH.
Very Happy Pirate Day to Tuppkid, and kudos to Tuppflower for sporting her new togs!
love,
Hops
--- End quote ---
Ha ha, Hops, I was on the phone to a friend when the same neighbour came around with a present for him, I told my friend what she'd said and her response was the same as yours :) (and he has got friends, they just don't live on this estate which is the sum total of our neighbour's knowledge of the world). Thank you for birthday wishes and I've bought some new pyjamas so I can carry on the new clothes theme in bed tonight xxx
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