Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Continued healing
lighter:
When we view the sadness as a messenger, and listen for the message, it helps to avoid panic, IME.
It's difficult to rise up, assume that position of observer, and stay still without reacting, IME.
I think you've identified an opportunity also: )
Lighter
sKePTiKal:
--- Quote from: Gaining Strength on April 26, 2016, 03:31:30 PM ---Very bad day. Actually slipped in depression. Totally paralyzed - more than ever.
THEN, I realized that I have not fallen back into old ways or old stuff but more old stuff is bubbling up, like air in a liquid, bubbling up to be released, to allow me to turn repressed, unconscious into awareness. . This is an opportunity for further healing. No fear. This is hope..
--- End quote ---
Not totally paralyzed; you realized that this was old pain - leaving the body. That "knowing" separates you from the experience you had. And if you can observe quietly and patiently, you can start to "know" the "knower" too. That's the real you.
It's probably a silly analogy - but the process of letting go all of that kind of stuff isn't that much different than the "archeological digs" through years & years of accumulated "stuff". Our memory (most of the time) can place the details of how we acquired something, why we've kept it, and maybe even when it changed from a "thing" to an emotional symbol of times, places, people past. Things aren't the experience either - and they usually aren't "us" - they don't mean enough or serve enough purpose to keep them, when we're in the huge process of "lightening our load".
Whether that be emotionally, letting the past's hold on us go, or the accumulated "stuff" that someone just had to have, at the time... in the past.
I think you're doing wonderfully, moving through all this. Sure, some things will made us sad or feel like it's hopeless from time to time. It's only hopeless if you stop; give up; can't bear to choose, review, decide... one more thing. For me, that's a sign to take a break, and "take care of me". And with some of the bigger things, when it's really and truly gone you now have the problem of that big space it took up in "you". That's a really good problem to have... because you know enough, are whole enough, and strong enough... to just put you in that space. (Even if you simply guard it as "open space" while you're deciding - LOL.)
Hopalong:
Hitchhiking on the help...
Amber.
Thank you.
love to you both,
Hops
Gaining Strength:
I'm so appreciative of the support you give me. It is such sweet balm.
This is a very slow process but I do see minute progress. And each straw added will eventually break the camels back.
I am finding that imagining myself receiving loving kindness when I feel shaming anxiety is slowly chipping away at the pain and paralysis. As I progress I also see in more clarity how much there is of this dark stuff. I see the ways shame led to resentment and those two wired together in an anxiety response.
sadly, even attempts to improve my situation and my life are profoundly shamed. I have understood that for a very long time. But now I can continue to use the loving kindness meditation and the image of being loved and nurtured in my sadness and brokenness to begin to address the countless memories.
I have always had a system of repression. So when something triggered a shaming response my initial reaction may have benne resentment and then a flash of anger or irritation and my body tensed, especially my shoulders and back of my neck. The first thing that happens now is that I acknowledge what is going on and name it. I immediately feel a relaxation and release but that is like taking the armor off and it opens the flood gates for more shame and a flood of anxiety. And that's when I use the images. It may take a while to calm that down. But I believe that the more I do this the more it will become automatic.
That is my goal.
For so long I have not been able to face these memories nor the wretched feelings that come up and that repression is intimately at the para
Uses that I have experienced for decades..It started around one or two activities in my childhood but over time it spread to most everything.
Now I am able to be present to the feelings I have repressed for so long. I'm counting the days to healing.
Gaining Strength:
My mind scans channels to find the thing that I must be vigilant over. Reading David Kesslers new book Capture, I learn that this is a normal process from earliest man that evolution has not yet shifted. Mine unfortunately gets stuck. When my mind lands on shaming memories or people who cause me shame I am now able to hold that person in my memory and use the process to I shame it.
That is such relief.
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