Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Continued healing
Gaining Strength:
--- Quote ---For example often when we are in trauma, the stomach will begin to contract at a rapid speed. The immediate reaction is to make it stop or react to it. What if we fully feel that contraction and allow it to happen? If it is pushed away that moves the emotional pain from the surface and deeper to the core where it may cause more harm such as turning into illness, anger or even depression.
--- End quote ---
I came across this today. It is about yoga but it describes so well what I have been doing about my shame and anxiety. This is so helpful for me to read, an affirmation that is so encouraging.
I have begun doing more to help, using more therapeutic things tDCS, infrared light, plexus, now time to add exercise back in. That will be huge. Slowly I see myself emerge from this paralysis. You don't know how welcomed that is..
Like an I thawing after the deep freeze. It continues to be easier to recover from shame and anxiety flashes. They occur less frequently, now countless times a day rather than all day. But I am also able to focus on growing loving kindness and feeling my heart grow and that is so welcomed. I am beginning to be able to tackle responsibilities and that is such a relief.
So bit by bit, feeling the darkness and staying with it, concentrating on loving kindness until it passes it healing and freeing.
I am so thankful.
Gaining Strength:
I'm in a truly insane situation. That's the bad news. The good news is that I have completely controlled my anxiety. That gives me such hope.
I traveled 750 miles withy former sister-in-law to visit my 24 year old nephew. My nephew is not educated, doesn't work and lives with his non-working 26 year old girlfriend and her father. The girlfriend demands my nephew work but sabotages him when he gets a job. His truck only works in 1st gear. His phone is on his girl friend's father's account b/c he works for ATT. The girlfriend told my nephew to either get a job or get out by May 1. She is very abusive and he cries about it regularly.
My SIL planned this trip, scheduled vacation from work, worked it out with my nephew 4 weeks ago. But when we got down here he would not see us Monday night. Not until Ties afternoon and not today. He doesn't answer the phone and only occasionally responds to texts. When I hear her behavior it appears that she is exhibiting BPD like behavior. She tells him he is not welcomed there and demands he return. She demands my sister-in-law pay his share of the rent. When my sister-in-law contacted the father, whose name is on the lease he did nt answer the phone but had his daughter text my sister-in-law to ask how dare she call him when he was at work. We happened to know he was not at work but was off.
I could go on and on. But this behavior is all too familiar to all of us. Unfortunately my SIL won't draw a line in the sand, won't go on and head home even though my nephew won't communicate or agree to see her.
So we sit, hour after hour, in a Comfort Inn 100s of miles from home - waiting. And it is miserable and dealing with my nephew is completely crazy making but I am keeping my mind focused and staying even keeled. And that is something wonderful.
If I continue on this path I will find myself functioning well very soon. I can almost see it happening. I'm so thankful.
Gaining Strength:
Here is a short description of one mans hellish life living with cPTSD since his father blamed him for his father's suicide attempt.
It is so helpful to read this. I felt so connected and such compassion. It helps me be kinder to my struggling self.
https://medium.com/@otherlives/i-have-complex-ptsd-it-works-like-this-63ef1de35b2f#.rrimzp7q0
Gaining Strength:
This trip and my meditation are bring so much of the past into consciousness. It feels wretched but now I am able to hold it until it dissipates but only because I attentively call on my heart to tune into what it feels like to give and receive love.
We drove for 12 hours Monday and tried to see my nephew that night. He refused. Then on Tuesday he would not respond to texts or calls until 2:00. Finally after 30 minutes of waiting at the house he lives in he came out and went with us to get something to eat. Yesterday we waited all day and even though he said he would see us he wouldn't respond to texts or calls. We went by his house and knocked on his door, standing waiting at the stoop the rains began to pour, we got wet and he refused to come out. Late last night she picked him up at almost 10:00pm. But she keeps giving him money even as she has said she wouldn't. This morning she she tells me she is going to pay his rent to these people. Meanwhile the girlfriend is screaming and yelling at him because he is spending time or speaking to his mother.
She gave him $300 Monday night and it was gone Tues. morning. She gave him more money yesterday and then $50 last night for gas, oil and cigarettes. Today it's money for rent and back rent. Each time she says she is not going to give him money and each time she does. She is in recovery, 12 years sober. Total insanity. In 24 hours I will be out of here.
It is total insanity. This is exactly what would send me into a tailspin in the past. But now I can focus on transforming, staying out of depression and anxiety. That is what I have the ability to do.
Gaining Strength:
When I first started the heartscape meditation it was very difficult to tap into feeling what it feels like to be loved. I concentrated on the spot in the back of my neck where I fell a knot of anxiety and darkness. Over the weeks that has shifted. I now feel it in my heart.
But I also felt something else yesterday. I had a faint image of a memory of being offered love and feeling terror. Instantly I recalled how my parents both said, "I love you." But the love they offered was demeaning and demanded a form of servitude. The two became entangled within my being, even as I sought love from others. What it meant was twisted and contorted.
Almost daily, these insights and memories waft up. Some clear as bells other vague but each is attached to twisted feelings and with each I return to the Heartscape. It is now offering a healing sanctuary.
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
[*] Previous page
Go to full version