Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Continued healing
Gaining Strength:
Thank you Hops and Lighter.
Lighter I appreciate the validation. I am so encouraged that I did not slip into darkness. It was a very dark experience with no escape for 5 days. This is certainly new for me. I did have dark dreams but in a half wake state I immediately went to focus on healing. It is clear to me that I am on a real healing path.
Gaining Strength:
Each level of healing brings with it more levels of wounded ness. And so the next level has presented itself to me. And it is a douse, one I would not be so easily able to face if I could not write about it openly here.
This is another level of stacked ness, of resentment, of childish tirade. Today, I am facing my own level of anger and resentment for having to take care of responsibilities that are mine. The resentment comes from an age when I was held responsible for things beyond my ability to deal with and for being saddle with responsibilities that I did not have the resources to deal with or that were never mine to begin with. Today I see how this resent,net is met with a stubborn, defiant child whose only power is to refuse to act. Funny that I did not do that as a child. This is all repressed stuff emerging. Perhaps I longed to refuse and turned the refusal to things that were self sabotaging.
This will be an interesting journey into this stuff. I do hate these periods of revelation but what awaits on the other side is more than worth it. Thanks to those of you who take this journey over the next few days with me.
Gaining Strength:
Entering this new phase is every bit as miserable as the one before. It feels so overwhelming, all consuming, extremely painful and debilitating, as though I won't survive it.
I am trusting in this process. I am allowing these feelings that feel as though they will,lol me to rise up and to no repress them. Some of the thoughts and memories of rejectors and failure are the same as the last round but I am allowing them anyway. Praying there is light on the other side. Praying there is functioning on the other side.
Gaining Strength:
My parents had a way of demanding that I serve them and my brothers. This was especially true around meals but not limited to that. I am now aware that I have repressed a resentment about having to do what others expect me to do. My resentment is directly connected to their demands. Later in life, My mother would directly demand and then refuse the help I offered. But she would also passively say something needed doing and not ask but clearly expect me to do it. But whatever I did would not quite be right.
Gaining Strength:
I remember becoming aware of my self-critical voice when I was 30. Someone asked me what I was telling myself about something I was trying to do. And I realized I was saying to myself, "You can't do it."
I am still learning ways in which my subconscious voice is putting the breaks on. As I continue in the Mindfulness meditations more and more of this is coming to the surface. And in doing so I am slowly able to change that voice. Still slow but clear progress.
Today, as I was listening to Jon Kabat-Zinn on YouTube I had an image, a memory of sorts of my mother asking me to do something and I was experiencing her passive aggressive criticism that at times was voiced, "You ruin everything." "Never mind, I'll do it myself." And I was able to step in, talk to myself and keep doing the task with a knowing smile and without the crushing shame and anxiety that has marked so much of my adult life.
Being able,to visualize this is a promising start. So thankful. So hopeful.
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