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Continued healing

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Gaining Strength:
Thank you for your support.  I slipped into a dark hole briefly.

I continue to connect with the profound shaming and the small but vast traumas from childhood.  I am more convinced that I am processing them bit by bit.  I came across this piece by Peter Levine whose work has been helpful to me.  This piece supports my own experience of shut-down.  It further encourages me that I am on the right path.  It is slow - which I hate but I have no choice. I'm must keep pushing

http://www.nicabm.com/peterlevine-trauma/free-report/

Gaining Strength:
"The child learns that they must set aside the things that are important to them or the things that they would like to do, because it is only what the NPD parent wants that counts. The parent always places their own desires and needs before the child, often cloaking this with the altruistic statement that the parent is just doing what is best for the child. The child has no real choice not to buy into their parent’s plan for them, even if the child has no desire or any real talent for the activity that the parent is forcing them to do. Emotional blackmail is a given. On the other hand, some NPD parents will simply ignore any achievement that the child makes on their own, and may even belittle the achievement in private while taking full credit for the child’s accomplishment in public, if the accomplishment reflects the NPD parent as parent of the year."

Really struggling.  More and more bubbling to the surface.

Hopalong:
(((((((((((((GS))))))))))))))))))))

All I can say is, arms....
let it lift, let hope in for you.

love,
Hops

Gaining Strength:
Thanks Hops.

Gaining Strength:
I have spent my life trying to avoid this pain.  But for the past dozen years the way I have coped is to shut down.  I finally figured out that putting myself in action triggered painful anxiety anticipating the humiliation to come from my parents.  That is where I am.  Right in the middle of this pain, learning not to cover it up.  What I do to cover it now is zoning out for hours on the Internet.  But I am agreeing to let the big time offenders go for a while. 

I either function or sit still.  I may have to include unscheduled television as well. It is time to let the pain in and move through it.  I know I can do this.  I am stuck in young childhood, longing for the help I needed from my parents, the instruction and encouragement and support that was replaced with humiliation instead. 

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