Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Continued healing

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Gaining Strength:
Twoapenny, the emerges of spring is life renewing isn't it.  I am counting the short days until extended light in evening.

Gaining Strength:
Tear tracks  - you are so kind and welcoming and wonderfully unforgettable as well.

Gaining Strength:
Lifelong, I've been gripped by a dread.  One step out increases the grip. Retreat doesn't relieve it but lessens the intensity.  Though in retreat more inaction piles up the failings which has its own set of tortuous grip. Across the years I have found techniques that chipped away at this predicament.

I have come to understand a significant portion of the psychology of how I got trapped in the first place and of course having narcissistic parents is an enormous portion of that.  Understanding their role opened the door but once the door opened there was a mountain to  climb and that climb has had pitfalls which exposed dangers and demands that caused indescribable pain.

As I enter a kind of final stretch, the downhill, I am finding that  the dread has  been softened, made permeable, seems contained rather than infinite.  And now I am able to penetrate it, to see something on the other side.  It takes pointed  concentration and the experience is fleeting but the difference now is that for the first time I know the other side can exist for me.

 While I see  how my own reactions have alienated me, stimulated rejection, how my own fear of rejection played a role in generating more and more of it for the first time I am seeing how I can exist without that or outside that reactive volatility.  I have been longing for this experience my entire life.  Of course I am thankful to be on this precipice but I cannot move forward with out experiencing the enormous grief of the decades of pain, loss, rejection, isolation that have been my life and through no fault of his own, my child's as well.

I cannot help but feel that inordinate grief and yet there is not gift in staying in it, no benefit.  I must move forward, committed to intentionally being aware of, present to the loving kindness existant in the world and available to us all. With intention, I can expand the feeling of the heart, grow it.  In the midst of that intention I experience peace and in time that sense of peace with shift something internal within me, within my soul, within my mind, within my brain and slowly it will become my norm.

Believing it will be, rather than taking shelter from the dread of failure and rejection  gives me just slightly more wiggle room than has been my norm and that is something too.

Day by day this grows as I feed it with intention, protected from inner and outer harm, experiencing ease of well being.

Gaining Strength:
The political situation today, along with my child's struggles with his  executive function issues is depressing to me. Along with my  life long norm of depression and anxiety, it can take a toll on me, not to mention the dull, cold, rainy weather. But I am finding that the Heartscape  meditation helps me lift above it, even for brief moments. 

It takes specific mindful recollection for now but in time, I expect to have as my norm, a place above dark, shamed paralysis where the norm is hope, and motivation and a spence of well being.

Gaining Strength:
The omnipresent sense of dread comes with a hyper vigilance in perpetual anticipation of attack and/or rejection. As as the saying goes, to a hammer, everything is a nail, so too goes the anticipation of rejection and/or attack.

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