Continued healing

[lighter]

Bones:

You're right, abuse is abuse, but it's helpful (for me) to assume everyone is doing their "best," which admittedly does sound wrong. 

Maybe it wouldn't sound so bad if it was re phrased.....

Everyone is doing what they're capable of?

The goal isn't to excuse or forgive abuse, IME.

The goal here is to make peace with it, myself, and leave it behind so as to limit the damage it's doing in my present, IMO.

I'm sorry if my post upset you, ((Bones.))   That wasn't my intention.

Lighter

[Gaining Strength]

You deserved to be cherished, protected and cared for as a child.

Thank you. 

A friend told me a story last week about a church friend who was profoundly shamed as a child.  When she recently told her psychologist he said to her, "I am so sorry.  You did not deserve that."  He meant it.  And she fell apart, dissolving into tears.  It touched her core.

[Gaining Strength]

Bones, it is true that abuse is abuse regardless of the abusers ability or even intention.  Plus, my mother had many opportunities to own her part, to apologize, to regret.  And she never did.  My father became so severely mentally ill after a successful, prominent  career that I never looked for any acknowledgement.  He was pathetic and I would cringe if I saw him out in public.  But my mother could have owned her part and chose not to.  At one point when I quit speaking to her she agreed to see a counselor and did admit to lying to me.  But the guy was weak and completely let her off the hook, following up,only by asking why and letting it go when she said, "I don't know." She copped out to admitting that she lied but not even giving a single example.  That was as good as it got. She knew what she had done but wouldn't own it.  Still hurts.  She died 3 years ago tomorrow.

[Gaining Strength]

Today, I was able to tackle several chores at the top of my list.  I felt the rush of shame flood me and the anxiety shoot out of the back of my brain, flooding my cranium, cramping my gut.  But I returned to the voice of loving kindness that I am growing through my daily meditation.  It sustained me. 

My work ahead of me is to continue growing this voice.  Facing the shaming work, growing the voice.  The stronger I get the less terrified I will be. The more willing I will be to face the shaming.  That is the key to progressing out of this paralysis.

I have another chore ahead of me early this afternoon.  Setting a schedule is shaming as well.  It triggers the, "you always say but never do" internalized voice.  I counter that with the helpful, encourager, " it is difficult but you can do it.  Just start. Step by step."

That's my goal.  Just start.

Step out of retreat.knowing the neurology shifts each time I step out of retreat within the framework of loving kindness.  At some point, the doing will be wired with the loving kindness.  That is the goal.

[Gaining Strength]

I did my afternoon chore.  I'm so relieved.

But more important, I was not shamed in doing it.  THAT is huge and that is what I have to process and remember.  I was not shamed in doing my chore. 

Could the log jam be breaking up?

No to get dressed and be on time - yet another life long shaming issue.

[BonesMS]

Bones:

You're right, abuse is abuse, but it's helpful (for me) to assume everyone is doing their "best," which admittedly does sound wrong. 

Maybe it wouldn't sound so bad if it was re phrased.....

Everyone is doing what they're capable of?

The goal isn't to excuse or forgive abuse, IME.

The goal here is to make peace with it, myself, and leave it behind so as to limit the damage it's doing in my present, IMO.

I'm sorry if my post upset you, ((Bones.))   That wasn't my intention.

Lighter

This sounds grumpy as I'm feeling grumpy right now.

If it's helpful for you, then clearly state that this is helpful for you only, using "I" messages.  When it's not clear, it feels like trying to "fix" others and it feels like my pain is being discounted and minimized.  The NWomb-Donor was NOT doing her best as she was NEVER a mother PERIOD!  She was a PSYCHO who didn't hesitate to justify child-rape!  I have to deal with the very real possibility that she was a pedophile herself.  I know you didn't mean to upset me.  The original posting just triggered a raw nerve.  PTSD does that.

[BonesMS]

Bones, it is true that abuse is abuse regardless of the abusers ability or even intention.  Plus, my mother had many opportunities to own her part, to apologize, to regret.  And she never did.  My father became so severely mentally ill after a successful, prominent  career that I never looked for any acknowledgement.  He was pathetic and I would cringe if I saw him out in public.  But my mother could have owned her part and chose not to.  At one point when I quit speaking to her she agreed to see a counselor and did admit to lying to me.  But the guy was weak and completely let her off the hook, following up,only by asking why and letting it go when she said, "I don't know." She copped out to admitting that she lied but not even giving a single example.  That was as good as it got. She knew what she had done but wouldn't own it.  Still hurts.  She died 3 years ago tomorrow.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((GS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Gaining Strength]

From Kabat-Zinn's Heartscape

"Drinking in the experience that you are unequivocally and unconditionally loved and accepted just as you are, without having to be different, without having to be worthy of their love, without having to be particularly deserving.  In fact you may not feel particularly worthy or deserving, but that does not matter. It is in fact irrelevant.  The relevant fact is that you were or are loved. Their love is for you, just as you are.  For who you are now, already, and perhaps always have been.  Allowing your heart to bask in these feelings, to be cradled in them, to be entrained into them. To be rocked moment by moment in the swinging, rhythmic beating  of the loving heart of another. And in the cadences of your own breathing, allowing your heart to be held and bathed in this way by the warmth of this radiant pulsating field of loving kindness"

See if you can imagine someone treating you this way. And imagining with great vividness the feelings of love and kindness and regard.  That can actually serve equally well.in this practice.

[Gaining Strength]

These words, this message forms my path out.  Though expressed so clearly and simply, the journey is indescribably rocky and difficult. 

Each good feeling described here triggers loss and rejection and failure.  Each misstep requires considerable concentration to get back on the path.  It is easier to retreat into numbed paralysis.  But that is accepting death over life and I have made a declaration that I can no longer do that, not now, not when I believe I have found the path out.

Retreating feels less painful but it is truly without hope.  Choosing to step into the pain and finding the way into the experience of loving kindness is difficult and paradoxically painful but I am certain that in time with repetition that feeling of love will begin to become the norm rather than the handful of seconds that come about with concerted, concentrated effort.  For now I must commit to the effort. 

[Gaining Strength]

From a page about healing from narcissistic wound:

4. Guilt, shame, and doubt are thoughts and feelings from elsewhere to be ignored. Ignoring your "inner critic" is hard to do because it feels like it's your "self" telling you these negative messages so you think it must be true. But these messages and feelings are not from your true self--they are incorrect beliefs from surviving your N parent which you have internalized! You can learn to recognize them and identify them as your "inner critic" which you must ignore. It is not the truth! Your inner critic is WRONG about you. Most often the exact opposite is true. When you become conscious of your "inner critic" you can over-ride your thoughts with positive affirmations such as "I love and approve of myself". Getting in the habit of catching yourself when you are unconsciously beating yourself up will change your life! When you can stop your negative thoughts and know and believe that they aren't true, your true purpose and compassionate self will begin to emerge. This is not easy and this leads into my next tip. Sometimes you must get help from a safe person you can trust fully to grieve and let out the pain from your abused inner child before you can begin to change these negative beliefs about yourself.

*****
I will say that for myself, I don't think ignoring works but the rest of this message is important for me to hear over and over and over again.  For me, the way to shift out of these intrusive thoughts is using Mindfulness practices.

[Gaining Strength]

This brief piece of Jon Kabat-Zinn about thoughts is so helpful for me. It gives me courage to allow myself to be aware especially today when the awareness is excruciatingly painful.


https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=LvLRheIPY90

[Gaining Strength]

Kabat-Zinn

Default mode of the mind is to be all over the place.  It's called approach avoidance.

Default mode - what's happening when you are not doing anything.  Your mind is wandering, an entire field in neurology studies mind wandering.  Aka narrative network.  Mindfulness is awareness cultivated by paying attention.  

Paying attention has to be learned.  Attending must be learned.  It is learnable.  People pay attention in different ways, auditoirly, visually, intuitively.  Orchestras first tune their instruments, first to themselves, them together and ultimately in a relational way.  

Mindfulness - Paying attention on purpose in the present moment, non-judge mentally.

There is more right with you than wrong with you.

You can't improve performance by trying to improve performance because
The kind of mind that is grasping for an outcome is precisely the kind of mind that gets in the way of the desired outcome.

[Gaining Strength]

At this stage in my process, being aware is like sticking my finger in the socket. With attentiveness I can close the circuit and the wretched feeling will attenuate.

[Gaining Strength]

The more I process the more other stuff comes up like an endless parade.

Tonight it is sorrow for all these years of so much loss.  It is a type of grief.  But grief is not eternal and there will be something more beyond this pain.  We are more than our pain, more than our worst selves.  I have focused on the worst.  I learned how to do that, was taught as a child.  But now I am unlearning it or better yet learning how to focus on the better parts of me.

[lighter]

((((GS)))))

No words.

Just hugs.

Lighter