Author Topic: Dear Friends, I'd just like your input on how I'm feeling.  (Read 5089 times)

Twoapenny

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Re: Dear Friends, I'd just like your input on how I'm feeling.
« Reply #15 on: March 25, 2016, 12:42:30 PM »
Well the last couple of days have been a bit of a revelation for me.

The male friend I mentioned, who sort of triggered this whole thinig off for me recently, came round last night.  We talked for several hours and it made me realise a few things.

1)  I really, really miss long, deep conversations with people I love, trust and can be myself with.  That conversation with him last night is the first proper conversation I've had in about six months.  In fact it's probably even longer.  My focus, once I've moved, I think, is to focus on regular get togethers, without children, with people I care about.  You can't have a proper conversation with children around, because obviously your focus is on them and you just can't get lost in the conversation and I hadn't realised how much I miss and how much I need that.  So I need to arrange conversation dates, adults only.

2)  It's really clarified for me that what I really want in a (male) partner is to be able to talk like that.  The looks, job, hobbies, all that stuff just doesn't interest me, it's being able to have long, comfortable conversations that really makes me want to be around someone, male or female.  I've often wondered why I find it so difficult and I think perhaps I've just been focusing on a checklist rather than just how I feel when I talk to someone.

3)  I've realised how incredibly judgemental I can be and how I set up a scenario in my head of what must be going on or what I think ought to happen.  My T used to say to me a lot that my need to control stemmed from fear and all of my mental gymnastics were a way of trying to keep safe and I can finally understand properly what she meant by that.  I feel ashamed now of the judgements I've made about him (and other people) because in my way I need to categorise people and put them into the good or bad column.  A lot of what I'd assumed about his current situation was completely wrong and very negative and I feel quite a lot of shame that I applied criteria to him (as I have to others) and that it was both wrong and unnecessary.  Although funnily it's also a big relief to realise that's what I've been doing and that I don't need to anymore?  Kind of weird.  But in a good way.

4)  I've realised I do still have feelings for him.  I think all those years ago I just buried them to save face and not let myself feel what I felt, if that makes sense?  I won't be acting on them.  It's time to leave the past where it is, move forward, but at least now I can acknowledge it, maybe even cry and say goodbye a bit?  And move forward into new territory.

Feel tired from all the revelation, but in a good way.  A real delivery from the universe, I feel.  A good life lesson.

lighter

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Re: Dear Friends, I'd just like your input on how I'm feeling.
« Reply #16 on: March 25, 2016, 05:59:26 PM »
What a ride, huh Tupp?

You're making connections, and accepting responsibility for habits you need to change.  Woo hoo!

That's some deep important work, that.

::nodding::

What you wrote about your childhood dreams, and passions......

one thing the KONDO book says is that lots of people don't know what brings them joy anymore.  WHen they clear out their houses, and keep only those things that bring them joy.... often they rediscover what they really want to do.  A shelf fulll of books on one subject, after 400 books have been given away, tells a story about oneself.

It sounds like you have interests that need attention.... and maybe that's a part of making new connections to people you want to engage with?  Maybe even find some male companionship that makes sense for you, and is very satisfying, bc they're based on mutual interests?

Not sure, but you sound wonderful my dear: )

I hope you're journaling so you can go back and revisit these revelations about yourself.  Sometimes it's hard to keep new information in focus as life unfolds, kwim?

Lighter


Twoapenny

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Re: Dear Friends, I'd just like your input on how I'm feeling.
« Reply #17 on: March 26, 2016, 02:00:12 AM »
What a ride, huh Tupp?

You're making connections, and accepting responsibility for habits you need to change.  Woo hoo!

That's some deep important work, that.

::nodding::

What you wrote about your childhood dreams, and passions......

one thing the KONDO book says is that lots of people don't know what brings them joy anymore.  WHen they clear out their houses, and keep only those things that bring them joy.... often they rediscover what they really want to do.  A shelf fulll of books on one subject, after 400 books have been given away, tells a story about oneself.

It sounds like you have interests that need attention.... and maybe that's a part of making new connections to people you want to engage with?  Maybe even find some male companionship that makes sense for you, and is very satisfying, bc they're based on mutual interests?

Not sure, but you sound wonderful my dear: )

I hope you're journaling so you can go back and revisit these revelations about yourself.  Sometimes it's hard to keep new information in focus as life unfolds, kwim?

Lighter



Lighter, funnily enough it's clearing out the house and packing up ready to move that's reminding me of what I used to love; old University essays, photos of friends from a drama group years ago and just remembering times when I really enjoyed what I was doing.  My need for approval from other people wasn't as strong once upon a time, because I had things I was good at and that gave me a sense of self worth.  I think all the child abuse accusations just made me feel so worthless, as did other people's eagerness to accept them without evidence.  I've just felt like I'm such a bad person for such a long time, but it's really starting to lift now.  Have been writing a lot more, which feels really nice.

And funnily enough I went to bed last night with these feelings for the man I've mentioned and woke up this morning to find they've gone.  I just needed to notice them, I think, and acknowledge them, and now they're not a problem.  I feel like I've got a friend back.  My sister texted for the first time since I had my blow up yesterday and I just didn't feel like replying so I left it.  And I don't really feel bad about it; I don't feel angry and upset like I did a couple of weeks ago but I also don't want to go back to that old situation.  But it feels good to be making those decisions rather than going along with things because not doing them feels worse.  Funny but nice.

lighter

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Re: Dear Friends, I'd just like your input on how I'm feeling.
« Reply #18 on: March 26, 2016, 10:19:43 AM »
Funny but nice......

Odd but refreshing.

New, but not a bad thing.

It takes time to get used to new, esp in the emotions department.

Keep writing things down so you don't forget what you want to change.

Maybe make a list of important habits you want to replace, etc.

Something you can look at several times daily to remind yourself.

When things get hectic, we sometimes revert back to old habits, and don't notice.

Lighter

Twoapenny

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Re: Dear Friends, I'd just like your input on how I'm feeling.
« Reply #19 on: March 26, 2016, 11:32:52 AM »
Yes, old habits are so easy to get back into and you're right, you often don't notice, particularly if you're busy and rushing around a lot.  I am finding I'm feeling very tired, but in a nice, relaxed way.  It just feels like I'm relaxing enough to let go, rather than forcing things out.  Keep taking naps, but I am working in between, the freezer is full of lots of healthy meals and snacks after a mammoth cooking session this morning, the house is pretty tidy, I am procrastinating a bit about decorating the sitting room because once the paint's out you've committed!  And I find painting so boring that I do keep putting it off but hey, if not today then I'll get on with it tomorrow :)

Gaining Strength

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Re: Dear Friends, I'd just like your input on how I'm feeling.
« Reply #20 on: March 28, 2016, 11:02:06 AM »
Twoapenny, I have nothing noteworthy to say and started to read and move on but I want to acknowledge,your posts on March 25. They are moving. Reading about your thoughts on what you used to love and your ideas about performing at festivals are so lovely and your meaningful conversation, was all so touching. So I just wanted to say how lovely it is to read.

Meh

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Re: Dear Friends, I'd just like your input on how I'm feeling.
« Reply #21 on: March 28, 2016, 05:12:31 PM »
Haven't read the whole thread. Only read the first post right now. I've cut off relationships, I've seen people I know do it, after a personal change occurs. My opinion is that it's something that seems to make sense emotionally in the short term but maybe isn't a good idea in the bigger picture. I'm not sure that needing to control our environment and everyone it in it is a sign that we have changed, its more like trying to control something we felt challenged by, threatened by. Especially if that friend hasn't contributed to your life any serious negative behaviors. Anyhow I haven't read your whole thing so it's a delayed response. I mean if something in your life is out of control and it radically needs to be changed then for some reason I think there is the tendency to react strongly in a sweeping sort of way. Literally just sweeping everything out. An overused cliche. Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater, or at least take some time in doing it to make sure it's the right choice.

Twoapenny

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Re: Dear Friends, I'd just like your input on how I'm feeling.
« Reply #22 on: March 29, 2016, 01:25:12 AM »
Twoapenny, I have nothing noteworthy to say and started to read and move on but I want to acknowledge,your posts on March 25. They are moving. Reading about your thoughts on what you used to love and your ideas about performing at festivals are so lovely and your meaningful conversation, was all so touching. So I just wanted to say how lovely it is to read.

Thank you, GS, I am enjoying going through a good phase at the minute, I must admit, I'm liking the things that are happening and the changes that seem to be taking place, there is pain as well, I think there always is with change but the good is outweighing the bad and I am enjoying it overall!

Twoapenny

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Re: Dear Friends, I'd just like your input on how I'm feeling.
« Reply #23 on: March 29, 2016, 01:27:06 AM »
Haven't read the whole thread. Only read the first post right now. I've cut off relationships, I've seen people I know do it, after a personal change occurs. My opinion is that it's something that seems to make sense emotionally in the short term but maybe isn't a good idea in the bigger picture. I'm not sure that needing to control our environment and everyone it in it is a sign that we have changed, its more like trying to control something we felt challenged by, threatened by. Especially if that friend hasn't contributed to your life any serious negative behaviors. Anyhow I haven't read your whole thing so it's a delayed response. I mean if something in your life is out of control and it radically needs to be changed then for some reason I think there is the tendency to react strongly in a sweeping sort of way. Literally just sweeping everything out. An overused cliche. Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater, or at least take some time in doing it to make sure it's the right choice.

Yes throwing the baby out with the bath water is a good phrase, G, I've been doing a lot of thinking, some people I do want around, others I don't, I think what's hard living where I do is that they all know each other so it feels a bit all or nothing when it comes to knowing them (they're all friends with each other for the most part and have been for many years) so I've been struggling a bit with how to move forward but I think I'm getting there slowly :) x

lighter

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Re: Dear Friends, I'd just like your input on how I'm feeling.
« Reply #24 on: April 19, 2016, 10:04:49 AM »
Hey, Tupp:

How are you doing?

Lighter

sKePTiKal

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Re: Dear Friends, I'd just like your input on how I'm feeling.
« Reply #25 on: May 03, 2016, 07:17:29 AM »
There must be an echo in here... Hi Tupp! How're you doing?

Been a week or three...   :lol:
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Hopalong

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Re: Dear Friends, I'd just like your input on how I'm feeling.
« Reply #26 on: May 03, 2016, 11:13:08 AM »
I'm thinking/hoping that campervan is parked near a beautiful cove somewhere, and when Tupp finally gets wifi, boy are we going to hear some stories!

I sure hope so.

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."