when memories attack

[Anonymous]

I have a problem.  My husband use to behave very narcissistically.  He was abusive... He has since improved quite a bit.  He can be kind and loving.  For me it can be hard to reconcile my different experiences of him. I know consciously that he is not going to hurt me, but my body is still trained to fear him.  For quite a while he really was a psychological terrorist, which was crazy-making.  Then, things got better.  I am back to myself for the first time in a few years.  Life is pretty good again.  I am still with him.

And when certain things trigger memories, I am horrified that I didn't take better care of myself.  How did I stay and let him do such things to me.  I can't believe I was abused (before I met him I was relatively strong) I just wouldn't have imagined I would be in this "type" of relationship.  Then I was destroyed for a while...
I am strong again, and when I remember, sometimes I tremble.  I can't believe how terrified I was, and how I was able to supress my fear and survive in such a situation. Some of the things I had completely forgotten about.  When I remembered them, I realized how terrible they were.  
I wonder what is happening to me.

But things are better now.  So, why can't I be over it?  Why am I still haunted by the memories?  What do I do, when I start thinking about those times?  How do I focus on the present?  How do I begin to recover from the memories. I wonder how involved with my healing process he has to be.  I wonder if I can really stay with him even though he has and is changing.

Sorry, this was pretty "flow of consciousness" ... any ideas?

[Dawning]

And when certain things trigger memories, I am horrified that I didn't take better care of myself. How did I stay and let him do such things to me. I can't believe I was abused (before I met him I was relatively strong) I just wouldn't have imagined I would be in this "type" of relationship. Then I was destroyed for a while...

When I got myself in this type of relationship (that lasted 6 years) I realized - over time and through other painful experiences - that the reason I stayed so long was because his treatment of me was family-iar.  And I naturally gravitated towards this relationship b/c I probably wanted to have the opportunity to reclaim my power and was hoping I could do that with him but I found out that it doesn't work that way.  I don't know if this is the case with you or not.  When certain things trigger memories, my suggested method is a) knowing that the memories are usually much deeper than I realize and, if it is too much to process, seek therapy as soon as possible.  b) concentrate on my breathing (vipissana) and nothing else and the memory usually fades - this is the method I use when there is no one else around to confide in...like if I am walking down the street alone or something.  (I also balance a book on my head and keep walking...crazy as it might sound...it works for me when I have a memory attack.

Some memories are very painful but, if we can deal with the pain, get support when necessary and air it out, it can be very, very helpful when you get *an attack.*  I would also suggest that when an *attack* occurs, that you develop some method (therapy usually helps with this) that will help you to see the attack as being less than what you now think it is.  Does that make sense?  I am not sure what kind of therapy would be good, however.  Maybe others have a suggestion.  Talk here too.  It helps.  

So, why can't I be over it? Why am I still haunted by the memories? What do I do, when I start thinking about those times? How do I focus on the present?

Well, you could find a couples therapist if he is open to that, seek out and go to a therpaist on your own or take some time off and go visit a caring person somewhere.  

It sounds like you need to clear your head so you can start living a more peaceful life.  Anything you feel comfortable talking about here is also a good way to deal with those memories.  

Just some suggestions.  Take care.

[Anonymous]

I've not tried it but am curious about EMDR http://www.emdr.com/ (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing). I've heard it can be effective with PTSD, acute and painful memories,  or 'attacks' of this sort.

Just a question: are things really that much better with your N? If so, how did this come about? I liked Dawning's suggestion about couples' counseling. Is this something you (and he) would consider?

[Anonymous]

Original Poster Guest,

Are you in love your husband, and do you want to stay in the marriage?

These things are important to know.

[Anonymous]

Hi, its me (original guest)

Thank you for those very caring and helpful ideas.

am I in love with my husband?  Well, my feelings towrd him are complicated.  I hate him and I love him.  It's more love than hate lately...
I am very attached to him.  He can be wonderful and very loving...

How did this come about?
Another good question.  I have been spending a whole lot of time doing my own things.  Not really spending much time with him. I am going through some stress (unrelated to this) with work.
Most recently, I was asking my body a question... why didn't it like sleeping with him anymore?  And then the memories that I had forgotton reminded me why.  Then I realized it was serious.  Since then, strange things trigger memories.  

Are things really different now?
I think so.  Because as I said I have spent very little time with him, it's hard to know what would manifest if we started spending more  time together.  He would very much like for me to stop neglecting him.  But this time to myself has been very good for my own health.  He is not really pushing the limits like he used to.  But I think I would be stupid not to acknowledge that there still is potential for abusive behavior.  

I will try the breathing exercise... I don't know about marriage counseling... we've been a few times. I guess first I should probably tell him that I am still struggling with the memories.  It's hard for me to be up front with him, because of the memories. But I guess next time he complains about whatever in our relationship, I should be honest.

[Anonymous]

I guess first I should probably tell him that I am still struggling with the memories. It's hard for me to be up front with him, because of the memories. But I guess next time he complains about whatever in our relationship, I should be honest.

Yes. I would agree that you take the step to tell him the truth. It is the only way both you and he can change whatever caused the dysfunctional "dance" for so long before.

I also think it would be better to choose a time in the very near future to sit down and talk about your feelings with him rather than just waiting until the next time he complains about the relationship.  If you wait until he is already upset about something else {complaining about your relationship} the conversation will begin on a sour note where things are already heated.   Also, waiting is just contributing to more distance, causing more hurt feelings and making the gap to close that much wider, with each passing week.

And the way he reacts to your truth about the memories will also tell you a lot about his ability for lasting change.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Hi Original Guest:

I hate him and I love him. It's more love than hate lately...

This statement really makes me wonder.  Look at the order in which you posted this answer.  Hate first.  Lately.....it's more love.  Lately??  As in now?  Wouldn't you be saying something like:

"I really love my husband but I have hated him in the past".

This is not to discount your feelings but rather.....point them out.  It sounds like there may not be a great and powerful love happening in this relationship and so you may need to ask yourself.......is this what I expect and accept?

I am very attached to him.

I was in an abusive relationship and I found this to be the truest statement.  I was habitually attached and wanting a good relationship and staying attached in order to try to achieve that.   I.....was attached to him.  He.....wasn't after the same thing or nearly as attached to me.  Attached isn't love.   Attached is a way of saying:  "I'm tied".  Just something to think about.

I have spent very little time with him, it's hard to know what would manifest if we started spending more time together.

If you have spent very little time with eachother then the relationship is not getting better......it's becoming more distant and possibly turning into a bit of a fantacy.   Isn't it necessary for you to know what is likely to manifest?  Don't you want a relationship that you enjoy and feel comfortable in?  Don't you want to be with someone whom you WANT to spend time with and who wants to do the same with you?

He would very much like for me to stop neglecting him.

And what would you like very much Guest?  Do you not deserve the same consideration and to have YOUR needs met?  Is he meeting your needs too?   Are you giving/sharing to/with eachother?  Who is communicating?  
Do you want a relationship in which both people share, give and communicate mutually and generously?

I should be honest

Do you want an honest relationship?  Do you want to be with someone who you feel comfortable being honest with?  Are you still walking on eggshells here?

I'm sorry Guest.  It just sounds to me that you are being cheated.  You deserve better.  Don't allow yourself to slip into denial about the true value/or lack of it in this relationship.  It's so hard ending it after being together for so long.  Especially when things seem better but are they really better?  Or are you just avoiding the real issues with eachother?  Pretending things are better because nothing bad has happened lately?

Maybe your memories are trying to tell you something really important.

"Don't forget".

(((((((((((((Guest))))))))))))).  That's hug for you.  Take care Guest.

[original guest]

wow! Whoever took the loving time to pay such close attention to my words, I thank you.  

You raised some important issues, and I recognized truth in your reflection.  
I attempted to separate myself from him initially, because somehow I knew that it was the only way for me to recover my own mental and emotional health. The distance has made me think that things are better.  But maybe because we are not really relating under the surface.  Avoidance and Denial are SOO much easier!

Lately he reminds me of the man I thought I was marrying!  I think, oh good! It's the real H, I always knew he was in there somewhere.  Oh I love this man.  And then very subtly manipulative things happen, then my body remembers things my mind has tried to forget.

I don't know what he is after.  I want so badly to believe it is the same mutually loving, supportive relationship I want.  But I can't always separate fantasy from reality.  Or his manipulative words from his actions.  I don't always know his intentions.

The word fantasy was the right one. I have gone to a therapist who described my relationship as a "fantasy bond."  I always thought he was the one with the fantasy... I was the one who understood the crapy reality of it.  But in order to cope, perhaps I have created my own fantasy.  The lines between fantasy and reality seem so blured to me right now! How does one change that?

In a couple of weeks we will both have some time off work. To be honest I am sort of dreading spending so much time with him. I'm afraid he is going to drive me nuts, at best. (obviously I am afraid of the worst case, that I will learn that our relationship has not really changed) I have some very good friends who I enjoy spending time with and they often seem nicer than my husband...less self-centered. But then we always think friends are nicer than family, don't we?

He would like me to stop neglecting him... and I would like an open, honest relationship in which no one is scared of the truth. I learned to be afraid of the truth with him (and participate in his fantasy) very early on because of his reactions.  It's a hard habit to break.  I want a realationship in which we really know each other, and celebrate each other. I guess there is not a whole lot of sharing or communicating taking place right now. I am just trying to keep the peace.

One reason I have cared more about peace than honesty, is because I think my work will suffer from the stress, as it has in the past. I guess I have to reconnect with him, with my healthier self, to find out the truth. I just hope and pray, that if it's abusive I will recognize it, and I will have the strength to get out.  (the strength I didn't have before).  
I have been very committed to "marriage" even to my detriment, and perhaps his too (if my staying with him enables).  I just know many couples go through hard times, and don't always love each other.  But, because we're married (however much I sometimes have regretted it) we must stay as long as we can, and try as hard as we can.... to stay together, and to grow together. I just won't give up.  It's that attachment thing too.  I don't know what is really best.  

You've got me wondering... I wonder if the memories are triggered by something that is taking place now.  These things can be insidious, I know. I have always been convinced its my fault, or it's nothing serious, when in fact it is serious and it's not my fault. The past is always clear, and the present is always murky.  Why is that?

sigh... pretending things are better because nothing bad has happened lately.  Wow! You know, maybe this is why it is so hard to reconcile my different experiences. I have a friend, who I have told, and whenever I say "things are better", or "its not that bad," she catches me making excuses for him.  You and she both know bullshit when you see it...  I don't always.

How does one sift through this myrid of feelings and experiences, to discern the truth?  There are my wishes, and there is his version of reality (which he tries to convince me of) there is his mother's voice... and the truth is lost... Because I cannot validate my own feelings.  

Thanks again for *listening* and giving me things to think about. Thanks again for the hugs  Your caring response was so helpful.

[Anonymous]

Hi again Original Guest:

I am so glad that you have taken my words to you with a loving intention because I did write to you with caring and I was really hoping not to upset you further.   Thankyou for your kind words back to me and for your honest reply.

You sound very confused.  Your situation is confusing because you have this history with your husband, that is hard to just throw away, and yet deep down inside...it seems like you're not sure that the future will be much different.   I don't like labels very much so I won't agree that you enable anything.  I prefer to think of it as tolerance.  It's all what we will tolerate and everyone has a limit.  You may not have reached yours yet?

I remember that confusion very well.  I thought of you quite a bit yesterday and tried to remember...what did I do?  How did I get to the point of deciding what to do?  What helped?

What I did was find a therapist for me.  Someone to speak about my feelings with.  Not someone who put labels on me but one who bothered to listen and who helped me to see my choices.  She was very good and she helped me very much to make up my mind.  It helped to speak with her.  One thing she told me was to make two lists.  One.....listing the reasons of what would be good about staying married to my husband and one listing the reasons why I didn't want to be married to him any more.  I thought the lists would be a couple pages long.  No big deal.

The first list was a couple pages long.  The second one was like a book.  It went on and on.  Pages and pages of reasons why I didn't want to be married to this person any more.  It helped me to see that I had more reasons to end it than not.  Once I made up my mind, she told me to keep that second list handy and if I started to weaken.......and I probably would at some point......to make sure I read that list again, to remind myself of what I was dealing with and why I wanted out.  This turned out to be a big reality check because I did, later, start to think...maybe we could try again...it wasn't so bad....and feel scared that I couldn't make it on my own, etc,  but once I read that list again, I knew I wasn't interested in trying again, because what I had dealt with was very bad, and that reminder helped me to stick with my plan.  

Maybe you are recovering mentally and emotionally and building up your strength by keeping this "distance" with your husband?  Maybe it will help you to decide what to do in regard to your future?  It sounds like you are taking small steps for you.  That is a really good thing!

Your husband knows how to behave well and when he chooses to do so...he probably thinks he is convincing you that he has changed, or that he is capable of maintaining that good behaviour (maybe this is what he is after...his way of keeping you?).   The reality is that unless he deals with his own abusive tendancies and seeks help for himself...he will probably revert back to past behaviour at some time in the future.  This is not easy to swallow when he seems ok for the moment, is it?  But it is more than likely what will happen, if he is not facing his own truth (which I am sure is not an easy thing to do either).  Who wants to admit such things?  My ex-husband still has not dealt with his problems and it is many years later now.   My heart still goes out to him, at times, but I am still glad I made the choice I did, or I know I would have sufferend that many more years of unhappiness, along with him, had I chosen differently.

"And then very subtly manipulative things happen"

" I don't always know his intentions. "

"I am sort of dreading spending so much time with him. I'm afraid he is going to drive me nuts, at best. (obviously I am afraid of the worst case"

"I learned to be afraid of the truth with him (and participate in his fantasy) very early on because of his reactions"

"there is not a whole lot of sharing or communicating taking place right now. I am just trying to keep the peace."

 "there is his version of reality (which he tries to convince me of"

All of these statements are very honest and show that you are reflecting on the real stuff that is happening in your relationship with your husband.  When I read them, it doesn't feel very safe.  It doesn't feel like there is very much of a comfort level or much mutual cooperation.  It seems like there  is little respect for YOU or YOUR wishes or Your feelings.  It suggests that you are holding onto a thin thread (I know that feeling too) and it looks like it feels very lonely there.  The fear you speak of...afraid of the truth...afraid of the worst (which I assume to be afraid that more abuse will occur), is something that is very serious and disheartening.  How can you work on your relationship with your husband if you are afraid?  How will it get better?  Tough questions to consider.

" The lines between fantasy and reality seem so blured to me right now! How does one change that? "

Maybe you need to make a couple lists for yourself?  Put it all down in black and white and count up the pros and cons?  Maybe that would help you to have something real to refer to?  It helped me to be around others whom I admired and thought of as having a good relationship.  I took note of how they treated eachother and how they spoke.  I added some of this to my lists....because it was missing and I wanted and needed it in my marriage.  You are being very honest about saying what you feel and how you see things.  Maybe this will help you to get a clearer picture of things?  Just writing it or talking to your friends about it might help you to hear what you are saying.  Keeping quiet won't help, that's for sure and I am glad that you are posting and reading here.  Another good thing you are doing for you!
 

"But then we always think friends are nicer than family, don't we? "

Sometimes, they are.  Family isn't nice simply because it's family.  Family is nice if family is nice and friends are nice if friends are nice and sometimes some of them are not so nice. That's my experience anyway.  A hard lesson to learn for me.

" I want a realationship in which we really know each other, and celebrate each other."

So is that what you think will evolve, if things just go along as they are?

You do deserve such a relationship and one in which you both honour eachother.  Ask yourself, is this going to happen?  Does it seem likely when I compare my lists?

"One reason I have cared more about peace than honesty, is because I think my work will suffer from the stress, as it has in the past"

Original Guest, your work will suffer from stress if things revert back to what they were....maybe more so, right?  Your work will suffer from stress no matter what you do because no matter what you decide, it will likely be stressful.  The best thing might be to read about stress and ways to deal with it and develop some ways to relieve it and reduce it and combat it because stress is just part of life.  Even good stress is stress.  This does seem like a bit of an excuse for not getting real about your relationship and your life.  Sorry, I don't mean to hurt you by saying that.  You're stressed now too, aren't you?  Just keeping the peace sounds fairly stressful.  Walking on eggshells, being careful about what you say and do, avoiding your husband, distancing etc.  Aren't all of those things stressful too?

" I just know many couples go through hard times, and don't always love each other"

Count up the easy and the hard times and add those items to your lists.  Maybe put down the times you have felt loved by him and the times you haven't.  I was practically shocked when I did this.  It helped me to see the truth.

"The past is always clear, and the present is always murky. Why is that? "

My opinion is that it is because we are somewhat separated from the past.  It is over.  It's done.  It is easier to look back upon it sometimes because we forget some.  Sometimes we even re-write it a bit in our minds.  We have "selective" memories sometimes and that helps us to see what we can handle seeing.  It may seem better than it really was (and sometimes...worse).  We already made our choices of the past so there is no immediate pressure to decide anything and the emotions associated with it are not fresh.

The murky present is murky (and I love your choice of words here) because it is so clothed in emotion that we are feeling here and now.  We are in it.  Surrounded by it and maybe confused by it.  We are not simply trying to remember it or imagine it.  We don't know what will happen and we try to guess (sometimes the future might look better or worse than it ends up being).  We feel pressured to make choices, sometimes, and decisions.  Now is harder for us to see fully because we mix it up with what happened before and what might yet happen.  It is an interesting thing to think about.  You have helped me too.  Thanks.

" I just won't give up. It's that attachment thing too. I don't know what is really best.

"

Good for you!  You're not a quitter.  Take your time and try to focus on finding out what is really best.  Then you will decide what you are and are not willing to tolerate and what to do about it all.

I will keep you in my prayers. (((((Original Guest)))))

[Anonymous]

How does one sift through this myrid of feelings and experiences, to discern the truth?  There are my wishes, and there is his version of reality (which he tries to convince me of) there is his mother's voice... and the truth is lost... Because I cannot validate my own feelings.

Your friend has helped you cut through the confusion to the truth. You know the truth in your heart, we all do. I might tell myself: "Okay, if I were being truthfully honest, what is really happening here?" At least for that moment I would acknowledge the reality. Likely I'll return to denial but if I commit to having those moments, eventually I'll be less confused.

take care,
bunny

[original guest]

Thank you guest and bunny.
Thank you for being and thinking with me as I try to sift through all of this stuff... wierd, how when you think you have finally left something behind it finds you again. Your support and perspective means a lot... thanks for the prayers and the hugs too!

Thank you too for acknowledging the tiny steps I am taking.  I have a tendency to be overly critical of myself.  I wonder why I haven't taken better care of myself, why I allowed all of this to happen.  I have to remind myself that it wasn't my fault, and I have been doing my best.

Bunny, you said that we all know the truth in our hearts... Sometimes I think that's true... Sometimes I have thought there is no way this marriage is going to last... I can't tolerate it.  But then it lasted, and I did tolerate it... Now, I am confused again! I think I need lots of good friends to help mirror my truth.  But sometimes they project their stuff too... *sigh* I wish I could really cut through the confusion.  You are right, I think, about slipping into and out of denial...

One thing I worry about is, I wonder if my perception of the present is colored by my visceral memories of the past.  Wouldn't that render my current reflection inaccurate?  And if I could just recover from those memories, I would see how he is really wonderful and has really changed.
You are right! The truth is, I am still very confused!

I just wrote in my journal, and I read back over a couple of months... He can lay the sweetness on pretty thick, but there have been times in the past months when he has been manipulative (in my opinion).  I wish I knew what to expect from a healthy relationship.

I have tried to do pros and cons before, but I didn't know how to deal with it because each act has a different value.  Sometimes it was "quality" and sometimes it was "quantity"... I will try it again, and I will try to put pen and paper to some of my repressed wishes to be free.  Those feelings were much stronger a few months ago.  They seem to have abated a bit.  Probably, because I have found a way to tolerate my marriage, at least temporarily. (Even though part of me knows tolerating it is not the goal).

I wanted to write about an experience I had tonight.  We are going home for Christmas (a few states away).  We have already purchased our plane tickets.  Usually I stay longer than him (because his vacation time is more limited).  But this year he said he wants me home for New Years... He was feeling lonely, I guess because I have been so busy.  So I agreed to only stay a day or two longer.  Tonight I told him that I really wanted to see an old  friend and mentor, and she might not be available in our alloted time home.  I wondered how he would feel about me extending my ticket.  He said it was fine.  He said, "why are you so scared?"  (I was afraid this would upset him).  

I told him honestly that even though my mind knows things have changed, my body still reacts to the past behavior.  He said he understood.  He said he didn't like hearing it, but he understood.  
I thought this was a pretty good response!

But I realized I was essentially asking his permission! I hated that! Not only that, but asking me why I was so scared makes it seem like I am being irrational. When in fact my fear is grounded in a past reality... And maybe it's not so much in the past... I knew how he felt about me staying longer.  He really wanted me to be home for New Years... I felt guilty (because of my avoidence) So, I agreed.  It wasn't so much outward intimidation, but something as subtle as his manner caused me to feel guilty.  Is this my fault?

Well, goodness... thanks for letting me ramble again!!! This is so helpful, and so supportive...

[Anonymous]

I'm the same guest who has been speaking with you so far about your marriage but I'm changing my tone a bit.

Yes.......Original Guest.  I think you might be right.

If you would just please stop remembering (I mean....just recover from all those terrible memories will ya?); if you would finally rid your body of those awful, horrible, painful, terrifying memories; if you would just deny the real truth that they have recorded, that they are so determined to remind you of, that they are screaming out silently about......well then you

would see how he is really wonderful and has really changed.

I'm sorry for the sarcasm Original Guest.  I am trying to help you see that you are still blaming yourself.  That you are still making excuses.  That you are trying to believe YOU are mistaken about it all and that your husband is "really wonderful" and "changed" miraculously.   Is it your fault that you feel distrustful of the future with him, even though he is the one who destroyed your trust by behaving badly in the past?

It takes time to recover from abuse and it doesn't just happen instantaneously, the way your husband has magically corrected his behaviour, without seeking help, (or am I wrong?  Has he been seeking treatment?  I am assuming he has not because I think you probably would have mentioned that by now, right?).

I have a tendency to be overly critical of myself.

This is as a result of being abused.  Ofcourse it is not your husband's fault!  Ofcourse, it is YOUR fault.  He's been praising you and encouraging you and kindly loving you with gentleness and care and YOU are the one who has missed all of that and have put yourself down.  He hasn't tried to MAKE YOU THINK STUFF IS YOUR FAULT, you've done everything wrong and HE'S done everything right, right? Nope.

Take another baby step forward Original Guest.  You can do it!  Ask yourself if you really believe all the bs I've just written above about your situation?  That if you forget.....everything will be just rosey from now on.
That it's your responsibility to put the past immediately out of your mind and body because there is nothing wrong with your husband's behaviour now, therefore he is fixed.  That you have no right to remember or to feel the way you do.  That YOU are missing his great metamorphisis and that YOUR INSTINCTS are lying to you.  Do you really believe all this stuff?

I wonder why I haven't taken better care of myself, why I allowed all of this to happen.

These are important questions you are asking.  This is really important to work on.  Good for you for asking this!  Take better care of yourself now!  Stop taking responsibility for everything!  You didn't abuse you.  He did.  You are in charge of what you do now to take care of you.

Is he taking responsibility for his past behaviour?  Is he showing extreme remorse?  Is he seeking help for himself, to correct HIS thinking and examine his past?  Is he offering to do anything and everything possible to make up for the harm he has caused you?  If so, then he will have no problem going to treatment.  What is HE doing to ensure that he will NEVER  behave like this again toward you?  Is he facing his own truth about what he has done and how it has hurt you?  Has he dealt with his own guilt and shame and other feelings?   Is he being honest and speaking about what he has done to harm you?  Does he even know how much he has hurt you?  Have you told him?

I truly believe people are capable of changing their behaviour.
I also believe they must face their behaviour first and take steps to correct it, before that change will ever occur.   Do you think so?  If not, how do you think the change has just happens?

 

I wonder if my perception of the present is colored by my visceral memories of the past. Wouldn't that render my current reflection inaccurate?

What?  You don't think you should base your perception of the current situation on what you have learned from the past?  You should just......forget all of that past?  As if it never happened?  What?  Your current reflection's inaccurate because you have memories of what has already happened?  You think it's inaccurate because you remember what happened before?  Is the current situation setting bells and alarms off?  Are you ignoring the warnings?

I wish I knew what to expect from a healthy relationship.

People do not constantly manipulate eachother in healthy relationships.
People acknowledge eachother's feelings and have respect for them, in healthy relationships.
People do not abuse eachother in healthy relationships (not viscerally, not seriously, not frequently, and not repeatedly, anyway).
Healthy people take responsibility for THEIR OWN behaviour and face the consequences.

I will try to put pen and paper to some of my repressed wishes to be free.

Orginal Guest, I'm not suggesting that you need to end your relationship with your husband (which is my perception of what you are saying with these words).  I'm saying that there is a need for repair and that that won't happen until you are both being honest with yourselves and eachother.  He behaved badly and you're taking the blame for the pain it caused you.  He's convincing you that all of his stuff is suddenly corrected and you're buying it because you are afraid to express your fear that nothing is corrected, just buried.  Am I close?  You both need to be in therapy, imo, separately and as a couple.  That would be a safe environment to deal with these issues.

I told him honestly that even though my mind knows things have changed, my body still reacts to the past behavior.

This is good.  Another step toward being truthful.  Good for you!

He said he didn't like hearing it, but he understood.

Did you take his response to mean that he feels badly about the past?  Is that why you thought it was a good response?  Or did you take his words that he understood to be empathetic and caring?  Did you guess why he didn't like hearing it?  Why didn't he like hearing it?  Why?

Did he say he was extremely sorry, that he doesn't want you to feel afraid of him, that he feels really badly about behaving so horribly in the past and causing that feeling in you,  and that he doesn't blame you to feel afraid and that he will do whatever it takes to help you trust that he won't ever hurt you again?  Did he express guilt or shame?

If so, you could suggest he seek counselling to explore what's already happened and why it happened and how to make sure it doesn't happen again.

...but asking me why I was so scared makes it seem like I am being irrational

Yet you thought this was a good response?  Or are you saying you later changed your mind and decided it was not a good response?  You are re-examining this event and your feelings about it and trying so hard to be honest and reflective.  That is a really good thing!  Keep doing that.

...something as subtle as his manner caused me to feel guilty. Is this my fault?

Have you learned to feel guilty when he presents a certain manner?
Are you trying to take the blame for detecting a certain manner that you have learned it is necessary to feel guilt next or else....something really bad will happen?  Is it fear of what will happen next that is causing you to do what has been safe and self-preserving in the past--feel guilty--take the responsibility?  Has this response in you stopped him from abusing you in the past, sometimes?

You are welcome for the hugs.  Here's another ((((((Original Guest)))))).

I wish I could just agree with you but I can't.  I think your memories won't go away for a very good reason.  They are trying to warn you.  I'm not projecting anything.  I wonder about that comment and my guess is that it is another form of denial.  A way to ignor reality.  I'm so sorry for these blunt words.  I'm bothering to be blunt.  I'm risking that you'll really dilike me after this.  It doesn't matter.  What matters is you and your growth and especially...your safety.