ticking time bomb

[LookingUp]

Hi everyone. I have been lurking here for a few months, but finally decided to register. I have an N mother and sister. I believe most of my family members realize my mother "has issues," but many seem to think my sister is the best thing since sliced bread. I think that sooner or later they will see the "real" her, but who knows when. In the meantime, I am viewed as someone who is cut-off and cold because I don't jump every time she snaps her fingers. Has anyone else here dealt with that type of thing? My sister is very hurtful and manipulative to her immediate family, but extended family members think she's just wonderful. I know it's just a matter of time before they see her negative side (frankly, I think the evidence is all around them, but they are blind to it), but it's hard to sit on the sidelines and be viewed as the heartless one. Any advice?

[bunny]

Hi LookingUp,

It's not possible to convince others of your sister's phoniness, and they are in denial about it.  So changing their views isn't an option. I see the issue as your discomfort at being perceived as heartless and cold. If you can minimize this discomfort and reframe it, that might help. For example, if you see it as, "Wow, these people are in deep denial. Thank God I know the truth and I'm not living that way," and, "They think I'm cold and heartless but they don't know the truth. And I do, and they can't convince me otherwise. And they can't ruin my day either."

Thinking like that helps me when I'm in the minority....

bunny

[LookingUp]

Thank you for your reply, bunny. I guess you're right about my having to reframe my take on things. I just wish I could take the blinders off these people. So frustrating.

[Judith]

LookingUp,
 
I like your Username!  

I'll respond with my own situation.  The family member who adores the N seems to share the same superficial values that the N does. I even wonder if she is an N herself. The N has lots of money and prestige.  Some of my friends who are not so impressed with this see the N's phoniness. Sometimes family members have their own agenda and can't see straight.
The N can be very (externally) impressive.  I have lots of mutual friends who think one of my N's is almost a saint! The N's often hide that they dont care (much or at all) about others. The perfect mask.
It's the fake sound of their voices that gives them away...
Easier to fake a facial expression than an authentic voice.

Judith