Tips for Boosting Self Esteem

[Twoapenny]

I have realised over the last few weeks that my self esteem is non existent.  I have spent so much time dealing with all my problems, worrying about relationships and looking after my boy that I've just sort of disappeared inside myself.  I feel very conscious of getting in other people's way, putting people out, people having to 'put up with me' and generally just feeling apologetic for breathing.  Which is obviously not the way I should feel!  So I wondered what sort of things you have all done to improve your self esteem over the years?

[lighter]

You should look up tapping EFT and the self acceptance mantras that goes along with it.

You can do it in the car, in the tub, sitting at the table over dinner, or anytime.

Studies have shown it's effectiveness with returning vets in the US service for PTSD, and stress management.

Mantras can be anything you like...
"I accept myself fully and wholly just as I am, I accept my self without restraint, and am enough.  I choose to be happy, and have more than enough energy, I embrace my inner child, etc."

You can choose any message you need to hear, and speak the words out loud as you tap.

Also, the saying "don't postpone joy" is a wonderful thing.  Just DOING things you normally would put off, like potting a plant, or drawing, or journaling, or taking a bath and sluffing, doing toes beats the heck out of procrastination, Tupp.

How's your son doing?

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Two things come to mind, (((((((Tupp))))))))).

The most powerful personal experience was that unexpectedly transformational visualization I had on a sunny afternoon many years ago, that I've described here several times...when I intentionally tried to seek and connect to the sad little girl inside me. It was like self-hypnosis, in a way. But when I met her and saw her sorrow, and spoke directly to her, telling her that I was so sorry I hadn't been able to protect her or comfort her then, but that I love her and will never leave her alone again, and she put her arms around my neck... It was real. And one of the most self-healing moments of my life.

This never occurred to me before, but it was literally forgiving myself for not loving myself. Her acceptance and her trusting hug...was me, telling me, I love and forgive you. That was the core of it. Whatever the external forces had been that had hurt me, I now was whole. It took my inner child to show me the trust and tenderness I'd denied myself.

The most powerful community belonging experience, which has healed me in a different way, was when I embraced the first principle of Unitarian Universalism. It's just the Golden Rule, which is expressed in different ways at the heart of all deep faiths: The inherent worth and dignity of every person.

One day, it hit me that that includes me. It has to. Or it's not real.

When I pause and ponder that I have inherent worth and dignity, as I am and no matter what...that helps me turn back into the light. And away from the critical or cruel voices inside that are old tapes, from old experiences, that I don't have to listen to any more.

I do forget. I do struggle as you do... But the memory of that afternoon, and pondering that first principle, can ease me again.

(I'm not fond of the term self esteem, because I think people confuse it with superficial things sometimes. But I understand the yearning and need it represents.)

Love and comfort,
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Thank you, Hops and Lighter, I started writing a reply yesterday but my internet connection dropped and all was lost!

I will read up on/try out the things you've suggested.  Funnily enough I dug out a book yesterday that I read years ago and didn't get much from, it talks quite a bit about inner child work, visualisation, EFT, affirmations and so on.  Skimming through it yesterday a lot of it makes more sense now so I think perhaps I just wasn't ready however many years back that I bought it.

I think partly I have trapped myself in victim mode as well; GS mentions resentment causing self sabotage in her thread and I found that really resonated with me.  I think it might be partly to do with my family never acknowledging or validating what happened in the past but I can see now that I am just going to have to acknowledge and validate it myself and not keep waiting for someone else to do it for me.

A couple of people have got in touch over the last couple of days, my sister and another friend who I fell out with over my son's birthday.  I did find myself torn; I felt sort of obliged to respond and make things right (my thinking being well they have got in touch, they are trying).  But then another part of me thought, well, I don't really want to be around them anymore, even if they changed the way they do things I still don't really want to see them.  And that made me realise that I do need to make choices about who I see and how I spend my time, not just go along with people because they've decided they want to.

The weekend is here so I am planning to try and have a fairly quiet, restful one at home, to eat well, try and relax, do some gardening and just try and get over this bump I am in - I think it is the bump of realisation!  Yesterday was nice, I saw the doctor who has been lovely and very supportive and understanding, and someone came to do some work on the house and he was very sweet and kind.  I am trying to focus on these good people; I spend too much time ruminating over bad things!

Lighter, postponing joy is very apt; I have a whole life in my mind that I am planning to do at some point in the future - I need to get on with it now.  I think it comes back to perhaps punishing myself, I don't know?  But there are things I really want to do and I never seem to have time, I need to work on that and try and change things.  My boy is doing better now, thank you   We've seen a very good nutritionist and a big box of goodies arrived yesterday so I'm hoping this will help but he seems to be over the most recent hump as well.  I do wonder how much we rub off on each other, for good or otherwise so I am trying to get him out of his comfort zone a bit, too.

Have a nice weekend everybody, I hope better times are coming for all of us xx

[Twoapenny]

I replied to my sister and I have been as honest as I can in as friendly and polite way as I can.  I have said how upset and disappointed I have been at the lack of effort she makes to spend time with my son and have told her how hard I find it to have so many people living so near to us that make so little effort to see either of us.  I've said that's the reason I've stopped calling and visiting and have pointed out that it isn't fair for me to do all the visiting and to drag my son around other people's houses despite the fact he's ill and most of the time is much better off being at home.  I've said I'm putting my efforts into making new friends now who will make more effort with my son and accept that he is disabled and he can't just be carted about like a handbag for other people's convenience (I've phrased that last bit much more politely but that's basically how I feel).

It was funny but as soon as I'd sent it I really wanted to eat loads of junk food.  I know I comfort eat but that was the first time I really directly linked it to how I feel, and noticed my feelings are very strong - dangerous, even - when I'm NOT DOING WHAT OTHER PEOPLE WANT ME TO.  I know my sister wants me to just tell her everything's okay and give her permission to carry on as she always does but I'm not doing that anymore.  I realised yesterday that I want people in my life who are kind and thoughtful, and respectful of others and willing to do something that suits the other person sometimes.  They don't have to be perfect but my boy and I both deserve a much better, richer, kinder life than the one we live at the moment and I can see now it really is up to me to change that.  I don't really think I've realised that before, I think I've always felt like I needed something external to change so that I somehow just drew nicer experiences and people to me.  But now I can see that I need to be more honest about how I feel and go out looking for these new things and people.

I didn't eat junk food, I made myself a bit tofu and vegetable stir fry instead.  I do feel very tired now, emotional I think, but I've done some work in the garden, my boy did a lot yesterday so a quiet day today is fine, I'm going to concentrate on resting and trying to keep myself off the sugar.  I really need to change the way I do things.

[Twoapenny]

My sister replied and basically said as far as she's concerned she makes enough effort.  It was funny that I got a really intense physical reaction when I read her message, like heat flowing over me and I found it hard to breath.  One of the family traits - whole family, including me - is this amazing capacity to avoid what is right in front of your nose.  I've told her how I feel and there's no acknowledgment of it - voiceless!  I've told her we'll agree to disagree and suggested we both just get on with our own lives now.  I want better than this for myself and my boy.  I feel sort of weighed down by people who are in my life but don't really contribute much to it.  I do struggle with this, part of me feels like I'm being a prima donna, issuing demands and insisting people do what I want.  But then I think, I want to be around people who care about us and part of caring is wanting to have contact - I'm easy going, it doesn't have to be frequent or done in a certain way, phone calls work well for me, as do evenings in/out, day time get togethers, doesn't have to be hours at a time.  But there has to be some effort on the part of the other person and that's what I feel is missing.  Her reasoning is that she has been round but we were out - missing the point that if you really want to see someone you phone them to arrange a time rather than just turning up when you're passing!  Had a panic attack in the supermarket this evening which was quite scary but I think it's a good thing, I'm starting to get these old habits physically out of the way.  Feel very tired, am planning an early night and a quiet weekend at home.

[lighter]

(((((Tupp))))))

You're in a tough place....but hopeful.  You told your sister how you feel, and you're dealing with her response.  It's not what you hoped for, but the confusion is clearing.   

I hope you find ways to embrace joy.  Just being aware to notice it, and stop for it is a great start, IME.

You're worthy, Tupp.

You are.

Light







+

[Hopalong]

I get it, Tupp.
I understand how hard this is.

It's like, imo, learning to set boundaries and also choose reciprocity (near-equal care/consideration) in relationships are two sides of the same coin. And these are both critical skills and very very painful to learn, for children of Ns.

NOT impossible to learn! Just painful to learn.

Setting boundaries is how you learn to sidestep or avoid inviting toxic people into your life, or disentangle yourselves from them if they are already there.

Choosing reciprocal relationships (after a lifetime of accepting a kind of one-way or over-giving pattern) for your life involves risking abandonment. Because if you've been okay with 80-20 relationships because over-yielding was your training, as you get healthier and discover assertive or self-loving feelings within you, you start to want (gasp) 70-30! Or you'll discover how great 60-40 can feel! (Nobody gets 50-50 because perception. And that's okay.)

Then when you avoid toxic people and realize you've been in 80-20s or 90-10s and begin to assert your choice or need for 60-40s, well then most of your 80-20s will likely cheerfully say, No thanks. I liked it the way it was. (Why wouldn't they?)

And it does not make them bad or evil. It makes them...not able to meet you where you now are.

So you feel you've lost some last rungs of support. And, in a way, perhaps you have. And then you have a completely understandable and emotionally logical reaction of anxiety (panic) and loss.

You can weather this.

You are STILL constructing a healthier new life.

This is so very hard a transition, Tupp. But such a brave and necessary one. You do not have to be "right" or convince your sister or anyone else you are "right." Once you are in a new chapter/place/circle of chosen friends after some healing and settling time, you'll still be able to revisit a 80-20 person (or sister) ... and then you will see it as it is, and not be hooked by the longing for it to be otherwise.

I've gone through the same thing. It hurt for a couple of YEARS when a friend I considered nearly a sister who was 60-40 changed into 90-10 once somebody else came along (a neighbor) who met her needs (which I belatedly spotted as to some degree, "N"eeds)...more easily.

I almost dropped her completely. And I went through hurt and anger and muttering to myself. Multiple times.

Now I can respond to her occasional reaching out in comfort, if it suits me. And now I just see her as she is, and know she will never be a reciprocal friend. Because she can't. And it doesn't hurt any more. (I'm sort of astonished by that.)

It doesn't have to be permanent/total/annihilation of any connection ever with your sister.

Just keep loving yourself, even though you can't ever "win" a discussion with her about reciprocity.

You need lots of love and loyalty right now. You don't have enough. BUT YOU CAN GO FORTH AND FIND THOSE KINDS OF NEW RELATIONSHIPS AND PATIENTLY BUILD YOUR NEW PHAMILY. You will endure lonely chapters long the way. But remember these are chapters, not the book.

If you hold onto your new vision, and search out those 60-40 friendships and healthy community as you move on, your life in a few years can be so so so much more nourishing than it is now.

This is real, build-able, intentional, and I feel so sure you will get there.

Courage,
Hops

[ann3]

Tupp,
This is Awesome!!

I want better than this for myself and my boy.  I feel sort of weighed down by people who are in my life but don't really contribute much to it.

I know it's hard when we (1) finally start feeling this way and then (2) we finally tell others how we feel.  
I think that if we have to tell someone that we want better treatment, they are not going to take it well & they're going to have a hissy fit.  But, what's the alternative?
Continue to be treated poorly or listen to their hissy fit?  
I think there comes a point where we'd rather experience their hissy fit than continue to accept their poor treatment.

Sorry to hear about the panic attack, but it's GREAT that you realized it was a panic attack, so Yes, it's kind of a good thing.  
You're really changing & taking action to improve the lives of your son & yourself.  
Well Done, Brave Champion!!  

PS: when an N has a hissy fit, picture the N as Dinky, the Great Dane:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KPbRyVUGoX0

[Hopalong]

Oh I love Dinky. (((((((((Ann)))))))))).

Two more...uh oh, now I'm down the rabbit doggie hole...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iSu9mgGnkhk -- I laugh SO hard at this...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MlaDMcZRtJE

Awooooooooooooo!

Hops

[Twoapenny]

(((((Tupp))))))

You're in a tough place....but hopeful.  You told your sister how you feel, and you're dealing with her response.  It's not what you hoped for, but the confusion is clearing.   

I hope you find ways to embrace joy.  Just being aware to notice it, and stop for it is a great start, IME.

You're worthy, Tupp.

You are.

Light







+

Lighter, thank you   I feel okay about it.  It's not unexpected, really, and I had got to that point where I needed to say how I felt and I can/am coping with her response to that, which is what I knew it would be as I've been here with her before.  But it's okay, I can see that I have surrounded myself with people who I suppose, in a way, I don't have to get too close to.  I've had lots of very superficial relationships in my life and I can see that now, and I think as I've started to get better in myself and want more honesty and closeness - just something more real, I suppose - then those relationships have crumbled, they're just not built that way.  So I think it's a good thing, I think I'm finally starting to grow up (!) and be aware that relationships are warts and all, good bits, bad bits, imperfect, but that having people be more involved than just phoning when they want something is essential and is what I'm finally realising I want to have in my life.  So getting there, physically have felt a lot better today, tired but okay, feel calmer and less like I've done something 'wrong'.  Must remember to breathe

[Twoapenny]

I get it, Tupp.
I understand how hard this is.

It's like, imo, learning to set boundaries and also choose reciprocity (near-equal care/consideration) in relationships are two sides of the same coin. And these are both critical skills and very very painful to learn, for children of Ns.

NOT impossible to learn! Just painful to learn.

Setting boundaries is how you learn to sidestep or avoid inviting toxic people into your life, or disentangle yourselves from them if they are already there.

Choosing reciprocal relationships (after a lifetime of accepting a kind of one-way or over-giving pattern) for your life involves risking abandonment. Because if you've been okay with 80-20 relationships because over-yielding was your training, as you get healthier and discover assertive or self-loving feelings within you, you start to want (gasp) 70-30! Or you'll discover how great 60-40 can feel! (Nobody gets 50-50 because perception. And that's okay.)

Then when you avoid toxic people and realize you've been in 80-20s or 90-10s and begin to assert your choice or need for 60-40s, well then most of your 80-20s will likely cheerfully say, No thanks. I liked it the way it was. (Why wouldn't they?)

And it does not make them bad or evil. It makes them...not able to meet you where you now are.

So you feel you've lost some last rungs of support. And, in a way, perhaps you have. And then you have a completely understandable and emotionally logical reaction of anxiety (panic) and loss.

You can weather this.

You are STILL constructing a healthier new life.

This is so very hard a transition, Tupp. But such a brave and necessary one. You do not have to be "right" or convince your sister or anyone else you are "right." Once you are in a new chapter/place/circle of chosen friends after some healing and settling time, you'll still be able to revisit a 80-20 person (or sister) ... and then you will see it as it is, and not be hooked by the longing for it to be otherwise.

I've gone through the same thing. It hurt for a couple of YEARS when a friend I considered nearly a sister who was 60-40 changed into 90-10 once somebody else came along (a neighbor) who met her needs (which I belatedly spotted as to some degree, "N"eeds)...more easily.

I almost dropped her completely. And I went through hurt and anger and muttering to myself. Multiple times.

Now I can respond to her occasional reaching out in comfort, if it suits me. And now I just see her as she is, and know she will never be a reciprocal friend. Because she can't. And it doesn't hurt any more. (I'm sort of astonished by that.)

It doesn't have to be permanent/total/annihilation of any connection ever with your sister.

Just keep loving yourself, even though you can't ever "win" a discussion with her about reciprocity.

You need lots of love and loyalty right now. You don't have enough. BUT YOU CAN GO FORTH AND FIND THOSE KINDS OF NEW RELATIONSHIPS AND PATIENTLY BUILD YOUR NEW PHAMILY. You will endure lonely chapters long the way. But remember these are chapters, not the book.

If you hold onto your new vision, and search out those 60-40 friendships and healthy community as you move on, your life in a few years can be so so so much more nourishing than it is now.

This is real, build-able, intentional, and I feel so sure you will get there.

Courage,
Hops

Thank you, Hops, that way of numbering friendships is a really good way to look at it.  I've really seen over the last few years that most of my friendships were 90% me and the ten % was basically the other person letting me visit or do something for them!  how funny to look back and see that now.  And I have wanted that to change so it does mean that a lot of people won't be coming with me but it feels alright, it feels good to have some space to let some good people in and get used to being around people that don't expect me to do everything all the time.  Feels a little bit weird but only in a 'new shoes' way, it will get easier, I think.  The thing that has made me sad is that if my sister and I are officially no longer speaking it doesn't make any practical difference to me anyway because I never saw her, which was the whole issue!  So if I'd said nothing the situation wouldn't actually be any different in one way. but I did feel I needed to say, for my son's sake as much as anything, I think (I am a lot better at insisting people treat him well than I am at insisting they treat me well!)

[Twoapenny]

Tupp,
This is Awesome!!

I want better than this for myself and my boy.  I feel sort of weighed down by people who are in my life but don't really contribute much to it.

I know it's hard when we (1) finally start feeling this way and then (2) we finally tell others how we feel.  
I think that if we have to tell someone that we want better treatment, they are not going to take it well & they're going to have a hissy fit.  But, what's the alternative?
Continue to be treated poorly or listen to their hissy fit?  
I think there comes a point where we'd rather experience their hissy fit than continue to accept their poor treatment.

Sorry to hear about the panic attack, but it's GREAT that you realized it was a panic attack, so Yes, it's kind of a good thing.  
You're really changing & taking action to improve the lives of your son & yourself.  
Well Done, Brave Champion!!  

PS: when an N has a hissy fit, picture the N as Dinky, the Great Dane:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KPbRyVUGoX0

Okay, now I'm in love with Dinky as well   What a funny, and very cheeky, pooch   Thank you, Ann, yes, you're right, I think when you have to tell someone that them visiting their sick nephew and remembering his birthday is necessary it really is time to draw a line under that.  One of the things that has made me sad is that my niece and nephews (when they were younger) were my priority every weekend, because I just loved spending time with them.  I used to spend ages buying presents because I loved the look on their faces when they got something they really wanted and we'd just do things like going for an ice cream after school sometimes.  I just loved seeing them and it makes me sad that none of them feel like that about my boy - and he's so lovely he absolutely deserves to have people coming round to take him out for an ice cream.  So yes, I think the hissy fit is better than putting up with things, but wouldn't it be great if all hissy fits were like Dinky's? Thank you x

[Meh]

"generally just feeling apologetic for breathing"  ....  yeah same here

[Twoapenny]

"generally just feeling apologetic for breathing"  ....  yeah same here

Yay, G, you're back!  We've missed you