Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Tips for Boosting Self Esteem
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: lighter on May 24, 2016, 09:16:31 PM ---Tupp:
Every time I shift into observation mode, I have this clear recollection of Hops explaining same, more than once I'm sure, and it helps me.
It helps me find comfort in the unfamiliar feelings, and discomfort of letting things be, and every time I do it I get more comfortable.
Thank you, Hops: ) You've been teaching lessons on this board for years.... so many, and they help. Some people say things so others can digest and absorb the message. You're one of those; )
Awww.... I suddenly miss CB.
((((Hops))))
Lighter
--- End quote ---
Yes, ditto that, Lighter, Hops is a very wise and caring soul, as are others on here. It's funny but I have very vivid pictures in my mind of what you all look like, how you speak, what your homes are like and so on, probably nothing like the reality! But it's funny how we create pictures in our heads of people, but I do hear your voices in my mind when things are happening, good and bad, I can hear the advice and words of support and it's really so good. I remember years ago when I first started therapy and I realised how surrounded I was by negative people, gossip, slander, malice, and what I found scary about trying to avoid it was that without that there was just silence. It's taken so many years to fill that void with better sounds and it's so easy (for me, anyway) to fall back into those old patterns when I'm struggling to cope. It does make me think it's so important to try and say something nice or constructive/supportive to people when you can, it might be the only good thing they hear all day, you just don't know, do you?
Twoapenny:
Have struggled a little bit the last couple of days but I think that is what happens when you are learning/practising a new skill, peaks and troughs and all that!
I've been worrying about getting some work done on my van. I went to a mechanic who had been recommended by a friend, who has turned out to be a terrible mechanic and has done a bad job on the van. My regular garage told me to take it back to him to get him to put right what he'd done wrong and it was booked in for today, and I have been worrying about it all the while.
I don't like confrontation and the thought of having to tell him he did a bad job and he had to put it right has been bothering me. I've also been worrying about the friend who made the recommendation feeling bad about referring me to someone who gives bad service and about the mechanic doing a bad job again and making the situation worse. It's also a difficult place to get to logistically and I have been worrying about my son having to cope with another long journey by public transport when we drop the van off and pick it up again, and that it might need to all be done again if he messes up a second time.
I think that's why I've been crotchety the last couple of days and I have realised that, for some reason, when I'm worried I don't consciously worry about the thing that's actually bothering me, I pick away at myself, my weight, my appearance, all the things I do wrong and so on. I hadn't really noticed that before so I'm going to have to work on that a bit and try and get to the heart of the worry rather than dismantling myself!
Anyway, I have cancelled the booking, I decided I would rather pay my regular garage, who are very good, to do the work again properly than risk messing about with this guy again in the hope of saving a few pounds so I've cancelled. Have nagging feelings of offending/inconveniencing him, my friend and the garage I will ask to sort it all out but I think with this sort of thing I will just have to keep muddling through and eventually one day I won't worry about everyone else so much?
Equally I've been contacted by all of the friends I fell out with over my son's birthday in the last couple of days. I think they all talk about me and make a group decision to get in touch, it just seems too much of a coincidence that I hear nothing for weeks and then they all contact me in the space of two days. It has left me feeling unsettled, as have comments about how they haven't seen me for ages and they have presents for my son. It feels manipulative and unhelpful; my point, as I've explained over and over again, is that they need to make the effort to come to me some of the time and none of them do and as that situation hasn't changed neither have my feelings. I've been polite, replied to their texts but explained I am busy and can't see them. I'm not getting drawn into going over it all again and I don't want them in my life any more; I don't want bad feeling but neither do I want to be around them. I've stuck to my guns but feel unsettled.
I got upset about both of my sisters yesterday; the one I have recently fallen out with because I do miss her and I do want her in my life, but I want us to be friends and equals, not the way things are which is I'm just there when she wants something. I don't think she can/will do anything to change that so I will have to let that be which makes me feel sad. Perhaps it will change in the future, who knows but for now I feel a bit empty and let down.
My younger sister was rushed to hospital, thankfully is alright now but I found myself getting angry about her partner; she's pregnant with their fourth child, very unwell and he does nothing around the house, won't cook, walk the dog, do laundry or anything like that. She sounded so ill when I spoke to her this morning and yet is telling me she can't rest because no-one else will do anything and I found myself getting angry and having to bite my tongue. I just see that legacy of 'I'm not good enough' being repeated and passed on to the children, no doubt. There's nothing I can do; practically I live too far away to help but I also feel it should be her partner who rolls his sleeves up (and the two older children) but I know my 'sticking my nose in' tendency isn't helpful so I am being careful about what I say. But food for thought and it upset me a bit.
Anyway - moving onwards. All of this has been going on against the backdrop of the internet dating and I noticed how differently I felt about that because I didn't feel so good in myself. Peaks and troughs, I am keeping on keeping on but feel tired today and could do with a beautiful beach and lots of lovely kind people around me :) x
Twoapenny:
Internet dating is revealing a lot of my insecurities, my need to please and my need to create a scenario in my head that everyone has to fit into. I have been chatting to one guy who seems nice; he asked if I fancied meeting for a drink, I said yes and gave him my number and have yet to hear any more. To me that seems odd; I'd have arranged something but I am having to remind myself that people do things in different ways but I find it really difficult not to read a million things into anything. Anyway - I would like to meet him, he seems nice but I am aware how disappointed I will be if he turns out to be very different to the way I imagine him; I think that's why I like to meet fairly quickly so that there isn't too much time to build an unrealistic picture in my head.
An ex boyfriend got in touch; I toyed with the idea of meeting him for a drink and then received a smutty text from him. There was a time I'd have responded in kind; I'd have felt obliged to and would have worried about appearing prudish if I didn't. This time I thought 'urgh' and deleted it. He's messaged again since and I've ignored him.
Other than that I'm finding very few men are approaching me and the ones that are want sex. I feel on the one hand that I want to wait and see how the one I like the sound of turns out; on the other I'm already feeling a bit bored that nothing else has happened there so feel I might want to cast my net a little bit. I'd like to have some fun. It would just be exciting to be planning a date and deciding what to wear and so on.
Twoapenny:
We went to a street market today just by chance as we saw it when we were driving somewhere else, had a bit of a wander round and then spotted a stall that was recruiting volunteers to help with a charity that supports homeless veterans. Homelessness is something that I feel very strongly about, particularly when it comes about through health problems as is often the case with members of the armed forces so I had a chat with the lady and there are things my son and I could get involved in. It was very nice, I've been wanting to find something to get involved with and this seems like a good opportunity so I'm looking forward to finding out more.
On a funny note, driving home there were lots of people out and about and they kept waving to us. I was waving back, thinking that the sunshine had put everyone in a good mood, before I discovered that there's a vintage vehicle rally on today and our van is so old everyone thought we were part of the procession :)
lighter:
What a lovely day, Tupp 8)
Finding a volunteer opportunity sounds like a wonderful thing. When my 15yo gets back home she'll be required to find something that appeals to her. I'm guessing she'll choose the Manna Food bank, which my neighbor volunteers at weekly, so she could go with her to take me out of the loop, in case there's resistance..... always thinking ahead.
I don't know anything about volunteering to help Vets in homeless situations. Our school used to put on shows at the VA, which is a very tame affair requiring no more than determining who had teeth enough to handle cookies or donuts, patting arms, listening to stories and thanking brave men for their service. The missing limbs, and sad eyes make me weak, and weepy. I'm not good with medical stuff. You're a giant, Tupp.
I guess you'd be working with Vets in shelter situations?
The journey continues,
Lighter
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