Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Tips for Boosting Self Esteem
Twoapenny:
My sister replied and basically said as far as she's concerned she makes enough effort. It was funny that I got a really intense physical reaction when I read her message, like heat flowing over me and I found it hard to breath. One of the family traits - whole family, including me - is this amazing capacity to avoid what is right in front of your nose. I've told her how I feel and there's no acknowledgment of it - voiceless! I've told her we'll agree to disagree and suggested we both just get on with our own lives now. I want better than this for myself and my boy. I feel sort of weighed down by people who are in my life but don't really contribute much to it. I do struggle with this, part of me feels like I'm being a prima donna, issuing demands and insisting people do what I want. But then I think, I want to be around people who care about us and part of caring is wanting to have contact - I'm easy going, it doesn't have to be frequent or done in a certain way, phone calls work well for me, as do evenings in/out, day time get togethers, doesn't have to be hours at a time. But there has to be some effort on the part of the other person and that's what I feel is missing. Her reasoning is that she has been round but we were out - missing the point that if you really want to see someone you phone them to arrange a time rather than just turning up when you're passing! Had a panic attack in the supermarket this evening which was quite scary but I think it's a good thing, I'm starting to get these old habits physically out of the way. Feel very tired, am planning an early night and a quiet weekend at home.
lighter:
(((((Tupp))))))
You're in a tough place....but hopeful. You told your sister how you feel, and you're dealing with her response. It's not what you hoped for, but the confusion is clearing.
I hope you find ways to embrace joy. Just being aware to notice it, and stop for it is a great start, IME.
You're worthy, Tupp.
You are.
Light
+
Hopalong:
I get it, Tupp.
I understand how hard this is.
It's like, imo, learning to set boundaries and also choose reciprocity (near-equal care/consideration) in relationships are two sides of the same coin. And these are both critical skills and very very painful to learn, for children of Ns.
NOT impossible to learn! Just painful to learn.
Setting boundaries is how you learn to sidestep or avoid inviting toxic people into your life, or disentangle yourselves from them if they are already there.
Choosing reciprocal relationships (after a lifetime of accepting a kind of one-way or over-giving pattern) for your life involves risking abandonment. Because if you've been okay with 80-20 relationships because over-yielding was your training, as you get healthier and discover assertive or self-loving feelings within you, you start to want (gasp) 70-30! Or you'll discover how great 60-40 can feel! (Nobody gets 50-50 because perception. And that's okay.)
Then when you avoid toxic people and realize you've been in 80-20s or 90-10s and begin to assert your choice or need for 60-40s, well then most of your 80-20s will likely cheerfully say, No thanks. I liked it the way it was. (Why wouldn't they?)
And it does not make them bad or evil. It makes them...not able to meet you where you now are.
So you feel you've lost some last rungs of support. And, in a way, perhaps you have. And then you have a completely understandable and emotionally logical reaction of anxiety (panic) and loss.
You can weather this.
You are STILL constructing a healthier new life.
This is so very hard a transition, Tupp. But such a brave and necessary one. You do not have to be "right" or convince your sister or anyone else you are "right." Once you are in a new chapter/place/circle of chosen friends after some healing and settling time, you'll still be able to revisit a 80-20 person (or sister) ... and then you will see it as it is, and not be hooked by the longing for it to be otherwise.
I've gone through the same thing. It hurt for a couple of YEARS when a friend I considered nearly a sister who was 60-40 changed into 90-10 once somebody else came along (a neighbor) who met her needs (which I belatedly spotted as to some degree, "N"eeds)...more easily.
I almost dropped her completely. And I went through hurt and anger and muttering to myself. Multiple times.
Now I can respond to her occasional reaching out in comfort, if it suits me. And now I just see her as she is, and know she will never be a reciprocal friend. Because she can't. And it doesn't hurt any more. (I'm sort of astonished by that.)
It doesn't have to be permanent/total/annihilation of any connection ever with your sister.
Just keep loving yourself, even though you can't ever "win" a discussion with her about reciprocity.
You need lots of love and loyalty right now. You don't have enough. BUT YOU CAN GO FORTH AND FIND THOSE KINDS OF NEW RELATIONSHIPS AND PATIENTLY BUILD YOUR NEW PHAMILY. You will endure lonely chapters long the way. But remember these are chapters, not the book.
If you hold onto your new vision, and search out those 60-40 friendships and healthy community as you move on, your life in a few years can be so so so much more nourishing than it is now.
This is real, build-able, intentional, and I feel so sure you will get there.
Courage,
Hops
ann3:
Tupp,
This is Awesome!!
--- Quote ---I want better than this for myself and my boy. I feel sort of weighed down by people who are in my life but don't really contribute much to it.
--- End quote ---
I know it's hard when we (1) finally start feeling this way and then (2) we finally tell others how we feel.
I think that if we have to tell someone that we want better treatment, they are not going to take it well & they're going to have a hissy fit. But, what's the alternative?
Continue to be treated poorly or listen to their hissy fit?
I think there comes a point where we'd rather experience their hissy fit than continue to accept their poor treatment.
Sorry to hear about the panic attack, but it's GREAT that you realized it was a panic attack, so Yes, it's kind of a good thing.
You're really changing & taking action to improve the lives of your son & yourself.
Well Done, Brave Champion!! :D
PS: when an N has a hissy fit, picture the N as Dinky, the Great Dane: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KPbRyVUGoX0
Hopalong:
Oh I love Dinky. (((((((((Ann)))))))))).
Two more...uh oh, now I'm down the rabbit doggie hole...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iSu9mgGnkhk -- I laugh SO hard at this...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MlaDMcZRtJE
Awooooooooooooo!
Hops
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